for A New Order8/21/2014 c1 
1EgilMaster365
I know I'm a little late for chapter one, but I wanted to review it. Your introductory chapter is absolutely amazing! You set the tone for the rest of the story, and immersed the reader into this new apocalyptic world. I liked how you pointed out that the protagonist no longer cared to obey the speed limit, and that law enforcement was absent. It really drove home the idea of a US invasion.
I do have a question regarding when you wrote "I was home that day, or I would have died for sure." Did you mean to say "If I wasn't home that day, I would..." or "If I was home that day, I would..." I'm just slightly confused on what you were trying to impart to the reader. Otherwise good story so far. I will try to read more later.
1EgilMaster365I know I'm a little late for chapter one, but I wanted to review it. Your introductory chapter is absolutely amazing! You set the tone for the rest of the story, and immersed the reader into this new apocalyptic world. I liked how you pointed out that the protagonist no longer cared to obey the speed limit, and that law enforcement was absent. It really drove home the idea of a US invasion.
I do have a question regarding when you wrote "I was home that day, or I would have died for sure." Did you mean to say "If I wasn't home that day, I would..." or "If I was home that day, I would..." I'm just slightly confused on what you were trying to impart to the reader. Otherwise good story so far. I will try to read more later.
5/17/2014 c1 64MethodlessMadness
Of course it would be the Iranians. Duh.
Though I think they'd try destroying Israel first, THEN America...
Or maybe America would be first. America supports Israel. At least, we used to.
*sighs* Obama.
...
Politics aside, this first chapter is pretty good! The mystery element to it, especially in the second-to-last paragraph, is a nice touch.
I'd say more, but I'm a bit short on time here. Great job, and keep writing!
- Mad
From the R4R Community
64MethodlessMadnessOf course it would be the Iranians. Duh.
Though I think they'd try destroying Israel first, THEN America...
Or maybe America would be first. America supports Israel. At least, we used to.
*sighs* Obama.
...
Politics aside, this first chapter is pretty good! The mystery element to it, especially in the second-to-last paragraph, is a nice touch.
I'd say more, but I'm a bit short on time here. Great job, and keep writing!
- Mad
From the R4R Community
2/14/2014 c1 22Ready-To-Begin
This story seems really intriguing. It's not usually the type of story I would read, but I'm going for a whole new look this year and I figure what I read should change too. I found the whole scene almost believable and I kept imagining the whole scene in my head. What if America really were to be bombed or something like that? What if your whole family was dead. This chapter is a really great start! I wondering how she will cope with all of the chaos happening around her. I can just feel the plot heating up and all the wild action that could happen. I also liked the mention of James, as to say she is not alone and has a friend. This story has got me thinking about how America would act in a national crisis. Great job with this! I know you already completed it, but I still hope my comment is something worth reading.
22Ready-To-BeginThis story seems really intriguing. It's not usually the type of story I would read, but I'm going for a whole new look this year and I figure what I read should change too. I found the whole scene almost believable and I kept imagining the whole scene in my head. What if America really were to be bombed or something like that? What if your whole family was dead. This chapter is a really great start! I wondering how she will cope with all of the chaos happening around her. I can just feel the plot heating up and all the wild action that could happen. I also liked the mention of James, as to say she is not alone and has a friend. This story has got me thinking about how America would act in a national crisis. Great job with this! I know you already completed it, but I still hope my comment is something worth reading.
12/8/2013 c23 9katayoku.no.tori
Noo! The last chapter!
Put dumped :P That's what you wrote in the first sentence. It sounds kinda funny, haha.
Wow, it's nice to hear the back story. Now I can have a better understanding of the story, if I really think about it... Hm. Anyways, I can't believe I finally finished this! You're an amazing writer, you know? I can't wait to see how much better the sequel is going to be!
9katayoku.no.toriNoo! The last chapter!
Put dumped :P That's what you wrote in the first sentence. It sounds kinda funny, haha.
Wow, it's nice to hear the back story. Now I can have a better understanding of the story, if I really think about it... Hm. Anyways, I can't believe I finally finished this! You're an amazing writer, you know? I can't wait to see how much better the sequel is going to be!
12/7/2013 c22 katayoku.no.tori
For sick people. Or hurt people. Or dying people. Wow, so optimistic there Akeera XD
There's a teacher at my school who we call Dr. Shultz. Haha, very interesting! Haha, now I'm picturing him in this kind of story. *a moment passes* Nahh. Can't see it. At all. Oh, and in the next paragraph you said "I replied choked" and I don't think that's right :P
Rhy! *bursts into tears* And you didn't list Keenan... Well, specifically.
Aww! It's almost over? Only ONE more chapter? Wha... Tehe, at least you have a sequel uploaded XD I think you already know my favorite characters, hahaha. Favorite part? How could you ask such a thing! The whole story was my favorite part. Accept for where Rhy passed. That definitely wasn't, even though I've re-read it a few times. Cried every time. And you're fine with your characters! They're great! All of them were amazing!
For sick people. Or hurt people. Or dying people. Wow, so optimistic there Akeera XD
There's a teacher at my school who we call Dr. Shultz. Haha, very interesting! Haha, now I'm picturing him in this kind of story. *a moment passes* Nahh. Can't see it. At all. Oh, and in the next paragraph you said "I replied choked" and I don't think that's right :P
Rhy! *bursts into tears* And you didn't list Keenan... Well, specifically.
Aww! It's almost over? Only ONE more chapter? Wha... Tehe, at least you have a sequel uploaded XD I think you already know my favorite characters, hahaha. Favorite part? How could you ask such a thing! The whole story was my favorite part. Accept for where Rhy passed. That definitely wasn't, even though I've re-read it a few times. Cried every time. And you're fine with your characters! They're great! All of them were amazing!
12/6/2013 c21 katayoku.no.tori
Poor Akeera. She's gotten knocked out so many times in these past days.
*Squeal!* Keenan! You're alive! Gosh, I almost cried in relief :')
11 paragraphs from the end of the chapter I found a confusing sentence. Maybe you could change it :) Don't feel like typing it up, haha.
Aw! That last sentence was so sad! Poor Allen, he must be feeling terrible, and in more ways than one.
Poor Akeera. She's gotten knocked out so many times in these past days.
*Squeal!* Keenan! You're alive! Gosh, I almost cried in relief :')
11 paragraphs from the end of the chapter I found a confusing sentence. Maybe you could change it :) Don't feel like typing it up, haha.
Aw! That last sentence was so sad! Poor Allen, he must be feeling terrible, and in more ways than one.
12/6/2013 c20 katayoku.no.tori
Ahg! Another cliffhanger! And you never really said if Keenan died or not... Hinted at something about him, but to be honest I'm not sure what to believe. :'(
Anyways, Dom is a cool character. He seems sweet.
Though, I'm curious just like Akeera is. Why aren't they using their own supplies, and why don't they knew the layout? That sees very unorganized to me. Hm...
Well, of course you're making me read more to find out!
Ahg! Another cliffhanger! And you never really said if Keenan died or not... Hinted at something about him, but to be honest I'm not sure what to believe. :'(
Anyways, Dom is a cool character. He seems sweet.
Though, I'm curious just like Akeera is. Why aren't they using their own supplies, and why don't they knew the layout? That sees very unorganized to me. Hm...
Well, of course you're making me read more to find out!
12/6/2013 c19 katayoku.no.tori
Okay, now I'm gonna read the next one! Sorry for taking a month and 6 days :/
""That's a hundred yards of open ground" he said as he shut the door." - It was something like that. But I don't know where the door came from. I looked back, but I couldn't really understand where it came from.
I love Keenan's humor. Both of theirs. Really changes the mood of the story :)
In the paragraph where Keera was tied up, you said that she was tied up, and then continued the paragraph as if she didn't realize it. Maybe you could change that a bit.
Haha, I had to laugh when you said her last name "Dustcatcher". I dunno why, but I think it has to do with her lying on the dirt. :P
No! Keenan must not be dead! :'( You better keep him alive all the way through the third book. Please? Pleeaaasseeee?
Ah, now I have to read the next chapter. You're so terrible! You couldn't have killed him! He's the best character besides the guy you already killed :( What's with author's always killing my favorite characters? It always happens! Wha...
Okay, now I'm gonna read the next one! Sorry for taking a month and 6 days :/
""That's a hundred yards of open ground" he said as he shut the door." - It was something like that. But I don't know where the door came from. I looked back, but I couldn't really understand where it came from.
I love Keenan's humor. Both of theirs. Really changes the mood of the story :)
In the paragraph where Keera was tied up, you said that she was tied up, and then continued the paragraph as if she didn't realize it. Maybe you could change that a bit.
Haha, I had to laugh when you said her last name "Dustcatcher". I dunno why, but I think it has to do with her lying on the dirt. :P
No! Keenan must not be dead! :'( You better keep him alive all the way through the third book. Please? Pleeaaasseeee?
Ah, now I have to read the next chapter. You're so terrible! You couldn't have killed him! He's the best character besides the guy you already killed :( What's with author's always killing my favorite characters? It always happens! Wha...
10/30/2013 c18 katayoku.no.tori
Took me a bit to understand that last part, but I ended up laughing once I figured it out, haha. For a moment I was scared for Keenan! Completely forgot that he was wearing the vest. Scared me. I thought you killed another awesome character. So glad you didn't. Though, who were the snipers? Where'd they come from, and why did they only start shooting then? Stupid people with guns!
Sorry... for taking so long to comment.
Took me a bit to understand that last part, but I ended up laughing once I figured it out, haha. For a moment I was scared for Keenan! Completely forgot that he was wearing the vest. Scared me. I thought you killed another awesome character. So glad you didn't. Though, who were the snipers? Where'd they come from, and why did they only start shooting then? Stupid people with guns!
Sorry... for taking so long to comment.
10/19/2013 c23 Drierwor
Inkfngrz,
Great story so much action packed its not even funny. At first I thought I was going to be reading another version Red Dawn. How funny you mentioned it in the story itself. However, A New Order is a wonderful read. I've been looking for an action packed read and I'm happy to say I found one. Now on to A New Nation.
Sincerely,
Drierwor
Inkfngrz,
Great story so much action packed its not even funny. At first I thought I was going to be reading another version Red Dawn. How funny you mentioned it in the story itself. However, A New Order is a wonderful read. I've been looking for an action packed read and I'm happy to say I found one. Now on to A New Nation.
Sincerely,
Drierwor
10/19/2013 c23 30Black Trinity
Nice... I really can't say anything about it... you really are an awesome writer... Gonna read the sequel now.
YA ROCK!
30Black TrinityNice... I really can't say anything about it... you really are an awesome writer... Gonna read the sequel now.
YA ROCK!
10/11/2013 c17 9katayoku.no.tori
". . . but Allen yanked his arm away and feel to teh ground." - The sentence may or may not be right... but you did write 'teh'. Kinda thought that was funny, haha.
You better not kill Allen! Please? Don't let him die of some infection... He's becoming a really lovable character - same with Wren, even though this is only the third chapter she has been in. They're so cute. Allen would be a wonderful big brother to her.
If you kill any of them... you might make me cry. Honestly. Though, because it's a war story, I think I might be crying soon. :'(
9katayoku.no.tori". . . but Allen yanked his arm away and feel to teh ground." - The sentence may or may not be right... but you did write 'teh'. Kinda thought that was funny, haha.
You better not kill Allen! Please? Don't let him die of some infection... He's becoming a really lovable character - same with Wren, even though this is only the third chapter she has been in. They're so cute. Allen would be a wonderful big brother to her.
If you kill any of them... you might make me cry. Honestly. Though, because it's a war story, I think I might be crying soon. :'(
10/11/2013 c16 katayoku.no.tori
Tehe XD I didn't think that Allen was a hair obsessed girly. He'll probably kill me for calling him that though 0.o Okay, just don't tell him I said that.
". . .they were cops and SWAT team bodies as well." - I think you mean 'there', not 'they'. :)
". . .that they United Invaders. . ." - I think you mean 'the', not 'they'.
Also, maybe you could use the word 'bodies' a little less. Someone next to me in class read the first sentence and... well... Haha, funny story. Maybe I'll tell you later. Or.. nah. I'll tell you now, because it's kinda funny. She yelled at the teacher and said, "Red flag! Red flag! Look what Hope's reading! It's not school appropriate yada yada" The students stared at me, along with the teacher. It was uncomfortable. Then someone said a snooty comment that made everyone in the class laugh. If it was appropriate to post on FP, then I would. But it was interesting XD
Anyways... yeah... um. Yeah. Okay, I'll just go ahead and post this now.
Tehe XD I didn't think that Allen was a hair obsessed girly. He'll probably kill me for calling him that though 0.o Okay, just don't tell him I said that.
". . .they were cops and SWAT team bodies as well." - I think you mean 'there', not 'they'. :)
". . .that they United Invaders. . ." - I think you mean 'the', not 'they'.
Also, maybe you could use the word 'bodies' a little less. Someone next to me in class read the first sentence and... well... Haha, funny story. Maybe I'll tell you later. Or.. nah. I'll tell you now, because it's kinda funny. She yelled at the teacher and said, "Red flag! Red flag! Look what Hope's reading! It's not school appropriate yada yada" The students stared at me, along with the teacher. It was uncomfortable. Then someone said a snooty comment that made everyone in the class laugh. If it was appropriate to post on FP, then I would. But it was interesting XD
Anyways... yeah... um. Yeah. Okay, I'll just go ahead and post this now.
10/11/2013 c15 katayoku.no.tori
A bit confused... this chapter is exactly the same as the last one. Maybe it was an accident? Well... anyways, I'll read the next chapter in about an hour or so. :)
A bit confused... this chapter is exactly the same as the last one. Maybe it was an accident? Well... anyways, I'll read the next chapter in about an hour or so. :)