for A New Order7/6/2013 c23 
7Fakety Mcfakename
Duuuuuuude that was so much fun to read. I got seriously gripped, and couldn't stop once i started. Your action sequences were smooth, realisitic, and thrilling. My heart reeling got going. You really got some promise. You even managed to sneak in some characterization, Akeera did develop a little bit, mainly as someone who really is snarky and sarcastic in any situation. Imagery was great, dialogue was snappy. Very few factual errors, which is impressive for political stories, as those use many facts. I would love to see Akeera some how become involved in the greater picture of the invasion, so that we get a better picture of just what's going on, and why. Favorite character, Nataly/ or Keenan.
Go superchick!
Heh, Silly North Korea.
Iran just got a new president by the way. he doesn't have much power, but he does hold a much more positive view concerning America. That coupled with what's happening in Egypt... maybe things are changing. I suppose it's always possible. Excellent Story.
7Fakety McfakenameDuuuuuuude that was so much fun to read. I got seriously gripped, and couldn't stop once i started. Your action sequences were smooth, realisitic, and thrilling. My heart reeling got going. You really got some promise. You even managed to sneak in some characterization, Akeera did develop a little bit, mainly as someone who really is snarky and sarcastic in any situation. Imagery was great, dialogue was snappy. Very few factual errors, which is impressive for political stories, as those use many facts. I would love to see Akeera some how become involved in the greater picture of the invasion, so that we get a better picture of just what's going on, and why. Favorite character, Nataly/ or Keenan.
Go superchick!
Heh, Silly North Korea.
Iran just got a new president by the way. he doesn't have much power, but he does hold a much more positive view concerning America. That coupled with what's happening in Egypt... maybe things are changing. I suppose it's always possible. Excellent Story.
7/6/2013 c14 Fakety Mcfakename
hey, not cool... You're making me grow attached to all of the characters! But, the last time that happened, you killed them all, so i'm not falling for it! No way!
Also, about the air defenses. A very significant portion of our antiair is grounded. Either in stationary installations, but also a lot of our military power is in submarines.
seriously, are you just going to kill everyone again? not cool
hey, not cool... You're making me grow attached to all of the characters! But, the last time that happened, you killed them all, so i'm not falling for it! No way!
Also, about the air defenses. A very significant portion of our antiair is grounded. Either in stationary installations, but also a lot of our military power is in submarines.
seriously, are you just going to kill everyone again? not cool
7/5/2013 c23 3TriSX
I have this story red to it's very end, This is a great one you have made. I'll be looking out for that sequel.
3TriSXI have this story red to it's very end, This is a great one you have made. I'll be looking out for that sequel.
7/4/2013 c6 9katayoku.no.tori
Did I tell you yet that you're really good at getting your character's personalities down and using them for the story? Well, if for some reason I didn't, there you have it. :) Good job with the chapter, and good character building too. I love how you can make us sympathize with Allen so easily.
Though, there were a few things that I noticed while reading.
For one, the transition between the discussion between the political leaders to the conversation with Allen and Akeera kind of confused me. Had to re-read it to understand it. Maybe you could make a little break in the chapter to show the change. I always use 'XXX' to show a break.
Another thing I've noticed is that, when you write dialogue, you don't end it with a comma. Here's an example, because I'm terrible with words XD
""Oh. I'm sorry." He said. "That's probably hard."" - You should have a comma after 'sorry', but you can keep the 'He' capitalized.
Anyways, great job! Will read the next chapter sometime soon!
9katayoku.no.toriDid I tell you yet that you're really good at getting your character's personalities down and using them for the story? Well, if for some reason I didn't, there you have it. :) Good job with the chapter, and good character building too. I love how you can make us sympathize with Allen so easily.
Though, there were a few things that I noticed while reading.
For one, the transition between the discussion between the political leaders to the conversation with Allen and Akeera kind of confused me. Had to re-read it to understand it. Maybe you could make a little break in the chapter to show the change. I always use 'XXX' to show a break.
Another thing I've noticed is that, when you write dialogue, you don't end it with a comma. Here's an example, because I'm terrible with words XD
""Oh. I'm sorry." He said. "That's probably hard."" - You should have a comma after 'sorry', but you can keep the 'He' capitalized.
Anyways, great job! Will read the next chapter sometime soon!
7/2/2013 c5 katayoku.no.tori
Awwwwww! TTTT I can't believe you killed him. And right after stating that he was my fav character. TTTT Everyone kills my favorite characters... Why...? :'(
Anyways *deep breath* I guess it was good chapter. Other than what I just mentioned. Allen seems interesting at the moment. 0.o Did he undress her!?
Found a few misspellings in your chapter, but that all. Going to read the next once I... get over the fact that you killed my favorite character...
"The voice asked, as the gnetly hands probed my body in search of wounds or breaks."
""Put arn arm around my neck.""
"His voice wasn't teasing or mocking but nutral."
Awwwwww! TTTT I can't believe you killed him. And right after stating that he was my fav character. TTTT Everyone kills my favorite characters... Why...? :'(
Anyways *deep breath* I guess it was good chapter. Other than what I just mentioned. Allen seems interesting at the moment. 0.o Did he undress her!?
Found a few misspellings in your chapter, but that all. Going to read the next once I... get over the fact that you killed my favorite character...
"The voice asked, as the gnetly hands probed my body in search of wounds or breaks."
""Put arn arm around my neck.""
"His voice wasn't teasing or mocking but nutral."
7/2/2013 c4 katayoku.no.tori
I love Rhy! Best character yet! Though, I have to say, the main character is probably my second favorite. Love how you've made their personalities and incorporated them into the story. This chapter kept me intrigued the entire way, and now I'm wondering what's going to happen next. Can't wait to find out!
Only saw one thing that is in need of editing:
"I asked looking at the desolation that lay before the building Bodies were strewn limply about like some crazed Halloween joke gone wrong." - There should be a comma after 'looked', and a period before 'Bodies'.
Other than that, loved this chapter! The cliffhanger at the end makes me really want to read the next chapter. Well, I'm not waiting.
I love Rhy! Best character yet! Though, I have to say, the main character is probably my second favorite. Love how you've made their personalities and incorporated them into the story. This chapter kept me intrigued the entire way, and now I'm wondering what's going to happen next. Can't wait to find out!
Only saw one thing that is in need of editing:
"I asked looking at the desolation that lay before the building Bodies were strewn limply about like some crazed Halloween joke gone wrong." - There should be a comma after 'looked', and a period before 'Bodies'.
Other than that, loved this chapter! The cliffhanger at the end makes me really want to read the next chapter. Well, I'm not waiting.
6/25/2013 c3 32cam1121
"The next truck was our next target." The two 'next's' are too close together. maybe get rid of the first one? I love the intensity of these chapters. I can just breeze through them and they take almost no effort. It's really fantastic to see that as a reader. Again, I'll give you more reviews later :D
32cam1121"The next truck was our next target." The two 'next's' are too close together. maybe get rid of the first one? I love the intensity of these chapters. I can just breeze through them and they take almost no effort. It's really fantastic to see that as a reader. Again, I'll give you more reviews later :D
6/25/2013 c1 cam1121
Hey, I really like the opening chapter! It really amps you up for the story! I also love that your sentences are short, almost like a mind racing, the thoughts coming at top speed. I am definitely going to read more of this tomorrow! The only thing that I would comment on is when the radio person says for people to go to government buildings. Wouldn't the government buildings be the first places they bombed?
RFR? It's kind of a short review, but I promise I will give you a better one tomorrow haha.
Hey, I really like the opening chapter! It really amps you up for the story! I also love that your sentences are short, almost like a mind racing, the thoughts coming at top speed. I am definitely going to read more of this tomorrow! The only thing that I would comment on is when the radio person says for people to go to government buildings. Wouldn't the government buildings be the first places they bombed?
RFR? It's kind of a short review, but I promise I will give you a better one tomorrow haha.
6/22/2013 c1 2chibilover28
The writing style is one that would certainly keep the readers captivated in what's about to happen next. Keep up the good work!
2chibilover28The writing style is one that would certainly keep the readers captivated in what's about to happen next. Keep up the good work!
6/21/2013 c22 Terra Booma
Nice ending(ish bit), I want more!
I really like Wren, and no problem for coming up with Allen. I really liked the bond that Allen, Akkera and Wren have, sort of a close knit family. Even in the bigger family picture. I can't think of anyway to improve it either, so keep up the good work!
Nice ending(ish bit), I want more!
I really like Wren, and no problem for coming up with Allen. I really liked the bond that Allen, Akkera and Wren have, sort of a close knit family. Even in the bigger family picture. I can't think of anyway to improve it either, so keep up the good work!