for A New Order6/17/2013 c3 
9katayoku.no.tori
Ooh, like this chapter a lot. Though, the first set of children were a little scary, haha. But, at least they made it out alive, even if they had to undo their shoes and strangle a grown man. A very creative idea. :)
At the end of the chapter Rhy was very useful, haha. It's nice to know that they made it though.
There were a few places here and there where you could have used a bit of different wording, and/or added in a couple commas. But, in times of action, I honestly don't care about commas. Commas slow it down, so I can understand why you left them out.
Good chapter, and I'll read the next when I get a change
9katayoku.no.toriOoh, like this chapter a lot. Though, the first set of children were a little scary, haha. But, at least they made it out alive, even if they had to undo their shoes and strangle a grown man. A very creative idea. :)
At the end of the chapter Rhy was very useful, haha. It's nice to know that they made it though.
There were a few places here and there where you could have used a bit of different wording, and/or added in a couple commas. But, in times of action, I honestly don't care about commas. Commas slow it down, so I can understand why you left them out.
Good chapter, and I'll read the next when I get a change
6/14/2013 c2 9katayoku.no.tori
Ooh, very interesting chapter! (Decided to comment after I read the chapter, so that it wouldn't be that long XD) Like how you made the main character stay (I just can't seem to remember her name... Hm. I need to work on that.) It made the chapter turn in a different way. But, if she had still gone with all the other women, I could see it turning into a survival story. Still really like the say you're taking this so far. I wonder if they'll get all the children back. I hope they at least get half of them. But, knowing war stuff, that's most likely not going to happen. Well, who knows. She may be a really awesome main character with the ability to get them back.
"All those army movies I had watched with my dad- the Navy SEAL documentaries, Act of Valor, Blackhawk Down, and all the countless others I'd watched over the years-never really caught all the tension you felt when you stepped out onto a roof with hundreds of guns pointed in your direction. Something about the knowledge that you have a group of fifty plus soldiers trained to kill with more bullets than you had at their disposal makes you suddenly very aware of how mortal you are." - I love! how you wrote this sentence, it really places a mood on the situation they are in.
There is something I would suggest. Maybe you could put in a few more emotions or thoughts. That will definitely add onto the mood and the tension of the story.
Really like how this is written, and you now have another dedicated reader ;)
Will read the next chapter in a little while!
9katayoku.no.toriOoh, very interesting chapter! (Decided to comment after I read the chapter, so that it wouldn't be that long XD) Like how you made the main character stay (I just can't seem to remember her name... Hm. I need to work on that.) It made the chapter turn in a different way. But, if she had still gone with all the other women, I could see it turning into a survival story. Still really like the say you're taking this so far. I wonder if they'll get all the children back. I hope they at least get half of them. But, knowing war stuff, that's most likely not going to happen. Well, who knows. She may be a really awesome main character with the ability to get them back.
"All those army movies I had watched with my dad- the Navy SEAL documentaries, Act of Valor, Blackhawk Down, and all the countless others I'd watched over the years-never really caught all the tension you felt when you stepped out onto a roof with hundreds of guns pointed in your direction. Something about the knowledge that you have a group of fifty plus soldiers trained to kill with more bullets than you had at their disposal makes you suddenly very aware of how mortal you are." - I love! how you wrote this sentence, it really places a mood on the situation they are in.
There is something I would suggest. Maybe you could put in a few more emotions or thoughts. That will definitely add onto the mood and the tension of the story.
Really like how this is written, and you now have another dedicated reader ;)
Will read the next chapter in a little while!
6/12/2013 c1 katayoku.no.tori
Will be writing this as I read, since you wanted me to give you everything (well, almost everything XD) I thought about while reading the chapter ;) Sorry if it sounds harsh in the beginning.
Love how you started the chapter, it captures you instantly!
"I was home that day, or I would have died for sure." - I feel like something is missing in this sentence.
You seem to use the word 'it' a little too much in the beginning of the chapter.
In the fourth paragraph you seem to have a few too many sentence fragments. Not only that, but I feel like you could describe a bit more about the explosion. Even if you were wanting to keep it vague, you could have at least described at least a shaking or a sound that made the main character's ears ring. Another thing, I don't think that would be a valid reaction.
"I spun the truck around and went back to the house, picking my way through the smoking debris till I got to the gun-safe my dad had. Using my hoodie to protect my hands, I opened it and took out what weapons I knew were loaded. I was going to go prepared." - I thought he already had a gun in his hands... Why would he need more? I would understand if he grabbed ammo though.
The way you were describing the scenes at the national guard seemed a little bland, but they worked. I really liked the way you described the melted semi, that gave a good picture, but I'm not so sure about the rest.
The last sentence was a good one to end the chapter with, and the whole chaos of events definitely makes you want to read onto the next chapter.
Okay. Now I'm done with all that, and onto the good parts.
This chapter was very interesting, and I can tell why so many people read and reviewed on your story so far. I liked how the main character went straight into worry, and then into survival mode. It shows that they know what they may have to do, and that they aren't scared to do it.
Love how you actually show the full impact of the bombs being thrown down onto the city, and how you wrote about the planes flying in the sky as well. A few stories that I had read don't seem to understand that bombs can't just randomly fall from the sky, nor the true destructive ability of them. A dry, smoking crater is not something that appears often. Melted semi and shards of houses laying around the city is something that appears often.
Good starting chapter, I really enjoyed the read, and I will go and read the next chapters when I get the time. :)
Will be writing this as I read, since you wanted me to give you everything (well, almost everything XD) I thought about while reading the chapter ;) Sorry if it sounds harsh in the beginning.
Love how you started the chapter, it captures you instantly!
"I was home that day, or I would have died for sure." - I feel like something is missing in this sentence.
You seem to use the word 'it' a little too much in the beginning of the chapter.
In the fourth paragraph you seem to have a few too many sentence fragments. Not only that, but I feel like you could describe a bit more about the explosion. Even if you were wanting to keep it vague, you could have at least described at least a shaking or a sound that made the main character's ears ring. Another thing, I don't think that would be a valid reaction.
"I spun the truck around and went back to the house, picking my way through the smoking debris till I got to the gun-safe my dad had. Using my hoodie to protect my hands, I opened it and took out what weapons I knew were loaded. I was going to go prepared." - I thought he already had a gun in his hands... Why would he need more? I would understand if he grabbed ammo though.
The way you were describing the scenes at the national guard seemed a little bland, but they worked. I really liked the way you described the melted semi, that gave a good picture, but I'm not so sure about the rest.
The last sentence was a good one to end the chapter with, and the whole chaos of events definitely makes you want to read onto the next chapter.
Okay. Now I'm done with all that, and onto the good parts.
This chapter was very interesting, and I can tell why so many people read and reviewed on your story so far. I liked how the main character went straight into worry, and then into survival mode. It shows that they know what they may have to do, and that they aren't scared to do it.
Love how you actually show the full impact of the bombs being thrown down onto the city, and how you wrote about the planes flying in the sky as well. A few stories that I had read don't seem to understand that bombs can't just randomly fall from the sky, nor the true destructive ability of them. A dry, smoking crater is not something that appears often. Melted semi and shards of houses laying around the city is something that appears often.
Good starting chapter, I really enjoyed the read, and I will go and read the next chapters when I get the time. :)
6/6/2013 c14 3TriSX
Awesome! so what happens next? I can't wait for it!
One thing: Can you add more groups that fight the invaders? I'm sure that will work out.
3TriSXAwesome! so what happens next? I can't wait for it!
One thing: Can you add more groups that fight the invaders? I'm sure that will work out.
6/2/2013 c13 AV1987
I like this story so far and can't wait to see how it ends. This story gets better and better by the chapter and your writing is wonderful, keep it up. If you want to try a action story I have one and I'm up for a critique. But overall your story is good.
s/3129604/1/The-Dying-Breed
I like this story so far and can't wait to see how it ends. This story gets better and better by the chapter and your writing is wonderful, keep it up. If you want to try a action story I have one and I'm up for a critique. But overall your story is good.
s/3129604/1/The-Dying-Breed
6/1/2013 c1 2GluttonyFang
Very engaging, despite the shortness of the chapter, the author constructs a very fascinating exposition. The brevity and accuracy of the description is admirable, though I would preferred a little more description on the appearance of the characters to enhance characterization.
Following*
2GluttonyFangVery engaging, despite the shortness of the chapter, the author constructs a very fascinating exposition. The brevity and accuracy of the description is admirable, though I would preferred a little more description on the appearance of the characters to enhance characterization.
Following*
5/30/2013 c11 3TriSX
Great, I want to see what happens next. I advise using simple tactics and their age and appearance for doing collateral damage for the Iranians like sneak attacks/ambush, bombings, and infiltration.
for now, keep up the good work!
3TriSXGreat, I want to see what happens next. I advise using simple tactics and their age and appearance for doing collateral damage for the Iranians like sneak attacks/ambush, bombings, and infiltration.
for now, keep up the good work!
5/25/2013 c10 166BetrayedByJustice
this is really interesting and the plot line is great. i love how realistic your main is, shes not too tough and still cries like a normal person would but is tough when needed!:) great charactor development!:)
love the story line too!:)
166BetrayedByJusticethis is really interesting and the plot line is great. i love how realistic your main is, shes not too tough and still cries like a normal person would but is tough when needed!:) great charactor development!:)
love the story line too!:)