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5/28/2013 c1 12Skye Hawthorne
I love how you describe the action sequences, not once are the enemies mentioned by name. That's how it must feel to be a soldier, you really don't care who you are fighting. I also like the state of denial he goes into when she doesn't arrive. Although maybe it's justified, because Erin might be still alive.

I feel the beginning could be more tied in with the rest of the story. It feels sort of like two separate stories, connected only by that moral her dad taught her. Great work though!
5/28/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
Really great work with this so far. I really enjoyed what I read. Despite the terminology - thank you for the directory, BTW - I really didn't have a hard time understanding any of the lingo. You made your actions and descriptions very smooth and it was easy for me to follow along.

I do have some criticism: first off I feel like your opening storytelling moments were too bland and not engaging enough. Although this is a great moment for character development I don't think your first scene is the best place for it because as a standalone its not strong enough to carry the reader into the action sequence that follows. I also found Elijah's sudden conviction that Erin was alive to be a bit hasty. I would have liked to see the emotion behind his loss more clearly, really let the moment sink in and then have him come to the conclusions that she had to be alive.

Again though, I really enjoyed what I read. Keep up the good work. Update soon.

5/1/2013 c1 5Author-K-J-Lee
"A yellow pencil twirled between thin, pale fingers as a teenage girl leaned into her kitchen table, intent on focusing on anything other than algebra homework." - that sentence tripped me up a bit but overall I enjoyed reading this.
It's not like any story beginning that I've ever read before, I'm interested in watching his attempts to find and save Erin.

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