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for Teenage Geniuses: Prison for the Criminally Inclined Teens

1/7/2014 c2 Lasgalendil

Let me just say I loved the last line. Loved it. It really gives us a sense of who her character is. I think the sarcasm here demonstrates her personality and her knack for stealing/causing mayhem better than either the attempted break out or the mouthing off to the security guard did. If I were you, I'd emphasize more of her snarky personality in the narration to help us get to know her more.

I read your other reviews, and I do agree somewhat with the idea of the lock system not being well defined. How did she get out? By typing in codes? How did she go through so many thousands in just a few minutes? And why-if she's a maximum security prisoner-did they leave her hands free? I'd prefer to see a Sherlockian girl, who's quiet and menacing with her smartness, recognizing that 'there's x amount of combinations, and only so much time, making it physically impossible to calculate the code; the restraints are made of carbon-forged steel and physically impossible to resist in their current state; I am confined in a helicopter in secure conditions, making the Chastise Islands the most likely course, and I will soon be released from my bonds by my transporters wishing to disembark me to my sentence. My best plan of action for potential escape would be to wait until I was uncured then seize control of the situation and helicopter' rather than outwardly crass. Save her snark and sass for moments when it's useful to her, not just antagonistic to the 'bad guys'. For instance, would her using the 'My Lady' comments as a way to anger the guard and get her to do something stupid (like get to close in order to slap her) as a way of getting the keys from her make her seem more badass than just mocking the bad guys for no reason other than she doesn't like them or think's they sound funny?

…how does she wrench her arm free if she's being held? Why does she scream so loud and long? I think going back and considering both the realisticness of the situation she's in as well as the character development will help you make this first chapter catch our interest more and really pop. I think a stoic smartalec who can keep her cool-and her cries of pain-to herself would seem more intimidating and interesting than this sort of typical teenage attitude.

Keep writing!
1/7/2014 c1 Lasgalendil
Pst: it's me!

Thought I'd give one of your chapters a quick read before starting in on your favs.

The first thing I'd say is that your summary is succinct yet funny, with just enough information/attitude (I love the abrupt, short last two sentences. It definitely sets us us for the romance/humor vibe) to let us know what is going on. The title…hmm. Not so much. While it's completely informative, it doesn't capture my attention or funny bone the way the summary does. The title and summary are the first two things that people see-think of them as the trailer to a movie. Now think of this movie with an awesome sounding trailer…but a really boring sounding name that people forget so they can't go home and look it up on the internet, etc. I think that *might* be what's happening with your story. The title might not catch people's interest enough to draw them to read the summary to get hooked.

What about: Life of the Criminally Inclined? Escape from Chastise Isle? Kiss, Kiss, Code, Code? I know these are pretty rubbish, but they're more suggestions to get you thinking than any actual concrete 'use this' recommendation.

Also, author's notes…author's notes belong at the bottom of the first chapter. I know you've probably seen many first chapters as 'please review' or first chapters that begin with 'please review' but it's a bad habit because it will probably lose the reader's interests, making them LESS likely to review. Your best bet for reviews is to start off with a bang and make us hold on for dear life so when we finally reach for the 'next' button, we see a small, short, one sentence (even from your protagonist's POV if you want to be cheeky) that reminds us to review. FP. net gets a lot less traffic than FF. net, and even on FF. net, less than 10% of your readers will ever leave a review for you, and after a week or so, that number dwindles down even further. Your best bet for reviews (every chapter? That's going to be tough!) is to reach out to other readers and consistently leave good, encouraging, constructive comments on their stories.

For funny, whimsical ideas on how to ask for reviews, go read 'Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality'. I know you're not a Potterhead as much as I am, but the disclaimers that the author leaves are hilarious and nonsensical and completely fantastic. You should try to model a 'please review' post at the end of each chapter after his disclaimers. He's a guy who gets reviews on how funny his disclaimers are (in addition to 15,000 for having the best fan fiction out there).

The information given so far makes it sound like this story is incomplete, so if it is, hopefully you'll be encouraged to keep it up and/or be able to use these suggestions to make your next one even better.

10/3/2013 c2 Clarisse Baker
So, I was searching my name on Google and came across this. Made me laugh. It has a quite odd storyline, no offense, but keep working on it because it looks good! (its good that my name is in it, by the way, its an awesome name you choose) LOL :P
5/3/2013 c3 3TheClosetWriter16
Yay! Thanks for the update ;) amazing chapter!
4/28/2013 c2 TheClosetWriter16
Sounds interesting so far! ;) I'm excited for the next chapter! :D
4/28/2013 c2 the unknown anon
nice! a badass girl! love it!
4/28/2013 c2 2muddling
Exactly how did she "crack" the codes to whatever locks had her strapped in place? If it was electronic, what tool would she have used to get at it and reprogram commands? Did she break it open and rewire some circuitry just using her hands? Or were they combination locks of some kind, which don't take a genius to design?

I'm skeptical of any story that has genius themed super powers. If they were a genius, their abilities should be based on reality. What they make should make sense. Her self unlocking seemed nonsensical to me.
4/28/2013 c1 muddling
I'm going to level with you. You probably won't understand why I'm reviewing your story, and the view is sort of nonsense. There's only one reason I opened that story, and that is because I'm ok with crime.

#crime #Oscars

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