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10/12/2020 c1 7Alyce Reide
I'm not sure I entirely understand this, but I understand enough to be terrified. I'm not sure I'll sleep tonight! (Which is bad b/c I have work early tomorrow morning!)

I think it would have been very easy to make Cinzia one of those absent narrators- you know, the first-person narrators that never have any dialogue and don't seem to be part of the plot? She (?) has that kind of feel to me, but she's clearly there in the story. I can't decide whether to like or dislike this. Oddly, I'd be scared stiff of Cinzia in real life, but I rather like her as a narrator.

The bones breaking is going to haunt me for days- that sort of thing always does. I imagine it happening to me, and...yeah.

The first eight paragraphs are in present tense, then you switch to past for seemingly no reason, then back to present for a few paragraphs, then past again. This sort of thing irritates me beyond belief; I think this story would be so much spookier completely in present tense.

Scaramouche? Just wondering, did you get that from the song?

I usually don't read horror; it makes me stay up till 3am worrying that I'll be eaten. But this one might be worth a reread on the 31st...
6/8/2013 c1 1GillaGilla
I refuse to finish reading, excellent work some seriously dark stuff. What made you think of this?
5/15/2013 c1 6Michodell
I found this to be very interesting. The descriptions are well done and the idea is really unique. There is a lot of emotion in this which I found captivating considering how short it is. The beginning and ending lines really grabbed me. I love a really punchy last sentence or two and you did a great job with that.

I did find this story a bit confusing. I didn't truly understand why they were breaking the bones or how Scaramouche has the ability to control the dead. Other than that, I did enjoy it for what it was. I guess I just wished there was a tad bit more background information so I could really grasp the story.
5/13/2013 c1 13VelvetyCheerio
Character: I love the fantasy of these characters. I think you capture the spirit of whimsical, scary, but fleeting excellently. I'm jealous, actually, haha. It's something I've wanted to do, but have trouble with. The players in this world, Scaramouche and Cinzia, they're like those beautiful drawings of things that only lurk in your nightmares. Definitely very inspiring.

Ending: I thought the ending was twisted, but I liked it mostly for Cinzia's involvement. I got this sense that she was the tender side to Scara's sadistic evil, but then she ends up needing the death of Pia and her lover just as much as Scaramouche needed to control Pia in a dance of death. I don't really know if that's the intended thing to pick up on, but I liked how Cinzia turned out to be just as dark as her own lover when she first appeared so kindly, "like a mother".

Enjoyment: On one end, I found the concept of the story very enjoyable, but on the other end, I didn't really understand what was going on, so I don't know if that's a dislike so much as confusion. I'd like to know why it's always young women who die, and not men. I'd like to know if Scara and Cinzia were once human and alive, or if they're just soul-sucking demons. I'd like to know why Pia had to die. I feel like in this way, I wonder more about the inner workings and the why's, than anything else, and it kind of makes the story hard to enjoy as a whole. I guess as an overall statement, it was hard for me to enjoy this piece because I found myself asking too many questions.

Writing: On the flipside, I loved the writing. The visuals were amazing, and I usually find it hard to imagine descriptions of people dancing or playing music or things like that, but I think you did a wonderful job here. I especially loved the description of the base of her skull touching the backs of her heels. Just thinking of the human anatomy and how much flexibility that would require helped me visualize it. And speaking of anatomy, the popping of cartilage and the looseness of bones was gripping and disturbing, but it definitely worked in your favor. I could almost feel Pia's pain.

Good luck with WCC this month! :D
5/12/2013 c1 1SincerelyNaila
I love how you created such a creepy, intense atmosphere that revolved around Scaramouche and Pia. When I read the first few paragraphs, I was immediately drawn in by the eye-catching details and visuals you providing by taking the extra step and describing the way the leg was cracked and and how Cinza broke her ribs. Although it was gruesome, it set a descriptive atmosphere.

The one thing I would advice you to do is explain and describe how the boy's, Abram's, lifeforce entered Scaramouche. It was a bit confusing for me. Otherwise, I enjoyed your piece entirely.
5/12/2013 c1 12GossamerSilverglow
This was creepy as hell.

One of your reviews compared it to the movies Saw, but I actually didn’t see the comparison. If it was all blood, guts, and murder then maybe, but I saw more of a Tim Burton-esque to it (maybe with a side of Saw II), especially the description of the leathered patch of skin under her eyes. Of course the whole dancing as well, brought from death to just dance…definitely Tim Burton. Was he an influence in writing this?

I love gore, the more blood and guts the better. House of 1,000 Corpses, Saw, bring them on, but this was just plain old creepy. So of course I loved it! Now after that…the helplessness of Pia and Abramo when they saw each other, but remained separated was heartbreaking. So Scara’s sucking in the essence of their youth to remain young? Did I follow that right? He’s hijacking their souls and doing it for youth? How messed up is that! Who was he sharing it with? Cinzia? Awesome job! Thanks for taking the time to write and share!
5/11/2013 c1 1Vagrance
Opening: now that was attention grabbing. I can't help but think that you have an unusual attraction with the macabre and the morbid (in a good way?).

Theme: reminds me of the Saw series. You've chosen a rather unusual topic.

Style: very direct and brutal. I can picture most of it too, which was at times unpleasant.

Ending: short, punchy and consistent with the rest of the story. It's a strong conclusion to a somewhat eccentric piece.
5/9/2013 c1 17amavian
this is really, really good
5/8/2013 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
Characters: I'm not really sure I understand Scaramouche's character. I get this type of puppetmaster vibe from him, maybe even a hint of being a necromancer...but it's never really explained. And then near the end he kinda pushed Abramo back without touching him, like using force powers or something, and then he eats his soul. I understand this is under the supernatural genre, but I feel like a little explanation is needed with Scaramouche's character and origin for me to appreciate the story more. Since it starts with him and seems to end with him, he's obviously an important figure. So maybe going a little more into him might be something to think about. I was just so distracted with trying to figure him out that I feel like I missed out on some of the story or the meaning behind the story.

Beginning: I really enjoy the beginning. That little detail about breaking the ankles made me cringe - and I'm cringing now as I type about it. There's just something about ankle injuries and feet injuries that really creep me out. But yeah, a very nice visceral image that draws me in immediately. And since this is horror, I think you wonderfully deliver that whole horror aspect from the beginning, making me uncomfortable from the first sentence.

Scene: I think the way you describe Pia dancing and the ballerina moves she uses is really powerful. I like how you take the time to describe it in such detail, because I'm able to picture it perfectly inside my head. There's a lot of emotion in that scene, both from Pia's part and the narrator's part. I think my favorite was when it's mentioned how Pia touches her foot to the back of her head - having seen ballerinas do that before, I knew right away what you were talking about. And then later on when Pia is dancing on Abramo's body, again I think you handled that really well and helped me picture it with some great details.

Writing: There are a lot of little technical errors, like run-on sentences and some of the wrong words. Also, you go from present tense to past tense about halfway through the story - I wasn't sure if this was intentional or not, but it really threw me out of the narration.

Theme: I'm having some trouble really piecing together what this story is ultimately about. Lost love? I got a sort of Romeo and Juliet vibe from it, considering there's a lot of emphasis on love from Scaramouche's dialogue, but I'm not really sure what this story is trying to say about it. Maybe exploring that more and bringing it closer to the surface will help with a reader's understand of the overall story. You have some lovely images in this, and the underlying idea is really unique and cool and morbidly fascinating. but I'm still a little stumped as to what I'm supposed to be taking away from it. Or what it's trying to tell me.
5/8/2013 c1 1SleeplessTuesday
I really enjoyed this story. It was almost classical in nature. The narrator's position between the Victim and Scaramouche is wonderfully pictured. The story was very well told, but could be polished into perfection.
I may be bias in liking this story because I have a strange fascination (and fear) of clowns. Scaramuccia is a fantastic clown to use and suits this story well. I do wonder who his helper is though and I had hoped that it was possibly a take on Zanni. Anyway I'm getting off my main point. Great work, really enjoyed this creepy, classical style horror. Keep up the good work!
5/7/2013 c1 4lookingwest
Before she wakes Scaramouche will break each ankle with careful precision. [This first sentence is confusing. I think there should maybe be a comma after "wakes" because I thought at first that Scaramouche was "she", and that she was breaking her own ankles "with careful precision"]

Scaramouche has never recovered a male, they are always females.

When she awakens it's my job to break her ribs. [Another confusing line - I wasn't sure if "she" was referring to Scaramouche or the character. Then I figured out it was "the females", a suggested edit for clarity might be, "When the females awaken it's my job to break their ribs." or something to that effect - you do say "they" in the sentence after the dialogue too, so keeping that parallel will make sense]

Scara flicked his wrist... [Stay consistent in your narrative names - would use the full name, not Scara, that's just a nickname it seems is only said during dialogue, don't drop using it, or call him Scara the whole way through in the narration and then say the full name in dialogue, either way]

Stylistically and writing-wise, this is one of the most poetically prose-like pieces I've read from you and I really love that about it. I like the atmosphere you create with using such great scenes, like the bathing scene, and the end dance, to create the story, and I think you have a wonderful poetic cadence to your descriptions. This is by far one of your strongest pieces I've read for prose, really really love it, lots of good stuff happening here.

I like the opening that you've described with the breaking of the bone, perhaps with the exception of that unclear line. The character of Scara and his full name reminded me instantly of Bohemian Rhapsody, haha, I couldn't get that song out of my head, and at first I was skeptical of it for that reason, but as I read on I think that overall it does fit the story. The rest of the names all appeared to fit so nicely into this world, perfect for it. Really liked that, and the dialogue that Scara gives when he's first positioning Pia, that was a very darkly beautiful moment.

The choice to narrate this from the character of Cinzia was a good choice, I think, it was very clear and I thought getting an outside more learned perspective on this situation and the kind of odd and bizarre death-moments was a great tactic to organize the story. Cinzia's observations of both Pia and Scara worked well to characterize them, and overall all of these characters became very haunting. Big strength through her perspective for sure.

Best of luck on the WCC this month, this is definitely a super unique and strong take on the prompt. I like what a unique turn and setting it took. Wonderful!
5/7/2013 c1 4Lolitroy
Whoa. Strong piece of writing we have here, girl.

Amusing introduction, first of all. So... graphic. The story itself is all horroresque and stuff... wow, it gives off such a powerful effect. Most other stories lose that awesome effect from the first paragraph, but yours remains as awesome.

First pro. Second one: Description. It's not the usual "She had pink hair and scales" stuff. It was all depending on imagination, which I think is awesome.

Now again, the effect your writing had on the story made it awesome. Epic. Plain and simple. And the end... I was rooting for Pia to escape! I know it wouldn't happen, but I'm not one for tragic endings hahaha. Next up: mistakes.

Sorry, I'm not good at finding mistakes unless they're rrreaaaally visible, but here's what I found:

Nothing. Aw. Except for the part when you suddenly switch senses. Is that part of the spooky effect? Because if it is, I find virtualy no other typo.

Awesome story! Creepy and awesome at the same time! Kind of like the movie Mama
5/7/2013 c1 1Blueberry Neko

It was beautiful :) Dark, twisted, poetic and beautiful. I loved how the introduction began in such a uniqye way, like a poem. The imagery was also beautiful. I loved how you described Pia, "Her skin is translucent like watery milk. Veins have broken or rotted and red plumes across her cheekbones and the naked balls of her shoulders." not the usual purple prose you see, but descriptive nonetheless.

The plot was another thing that caught my attention. So mysterious and horroresque, not with much action but yet with so much things within.

I'm so sad the end was like that... haha, but I guess not all stories end happy :)

P.S. Sorry for not reviewing before! There were problems with my server...
5/7/2013 c1 14Shampoo Suicide
I love the opening sentence. Very jarring from the get-go, sets up the tone for the rest of the story. The rest of the opening is almost uncomfortable to read, you described it so well.

The scene in the beginning where Cinzia is breaking the bones is very well done. I loved this line: "I have seen girls recovered after half a year in the bygone, everything else lost to them but their names, and the meaning of that sound, so akin to their souls, remains." And when she tells her to close her eyes and likens it to a nightmare, the description of her skin so vivid. It all makes for a really excellent scene.

I love the description of Pia's hypnosis and the dancing. Though I fail to see how it all works (I suppose through some form of magic, heh), it was written beautifully. The description of her assuming the positions was nice, and I like that Scaramouche taps his staff to create the beat and to control her.

Overall, I found it to be enjoyable to read. It's got an interesting an unique plot, and I like the connection you've made to the the theme. Assuming I've deciphered it correctly, anyway. But yes, the descriptions made it especially enjoyable to read, your writing is quite lovely (probably an odd word to use for this particular story).
5/7/2013 c1 9Infected Beliefs
Ooooh, so dark and twisted. Me gusta.

On the actual writing though, I love how succinct all of your sentences are, and yet how much each one says. [Scaramouche snaps his staff down again, the sound causing Pia to jump. When he does it a third time she assumes the first position of the dance. As he continues I watch as she lifts herself up onto her toes.] - None of these are particularly long or arduous sentences, and yet you manage to retain the beauty of much more flamboyant prose. Fantastic. ( I am not sure if I am expressing what I am trying to say, but hopefully you understand or at least get the gist). Also, your concept as a whole was quite original, or at least if you borrowed it from somewhere else I had/have never heard of it. Eternal youth through a corpse medium? Quite good.

I was a little confused by some of the physics of the story though. In a story about/including magic, worrying over the physics might seem strange, but when you tell me that they break both of her ankles, I then wonder how the hell she is standing and dancing? Even a zombie, as an animated corpse, will fall over if you break it's legs. And I don't understand why they are breaking all her bones in the first place.

Any way, good luck with WCC!
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