for The Final Rectitude9/20/2013 c1 Absent Pulse
I enjoyed it! Got the kind of hopeless romance I like so much, mixed in with a bit of action, tragedy and horror. Atmospheric!
I think there is too much detail being crammed into the first paragraph. Let the action spread, maybe. It's like you've made a sandwich with too much filling in one part.
After typing that note, I read on to discover that a number of your paragraphs are a little too meaty for my taste, but chalk that up to my writing style's difference from yours. I think that all those details, stated with so many sentences and words, bog down the text a little bit. You can have way more impact with punchy sentences.
'The ones that had eluded the gunfire eventually *succumbed to the deadly fumes circling the air, dropping like flies, then gruesomely steamrolled by the invaders.*'
-Woops! Switch in tense, there. You start in present, but here swap gradually into past. This plagues your otherwise awesome oneshot throughout.
'I don't quite know why we're running.'
-Probably because the narrator says a second later "our lives are in eminent danger". I thought that was kinda cute, thought you definitely weren't intending for that effect.
'"What did you manage to get, Kurt?" *She whispers to me.'
-Should be lowercase. Also, why mention a gun (I think you mentioned a gun) when they never get to use it? I would've had her shoot him out of mercy, personally, only to discover there was but one bullet /foreveralone/.
'Geniene's green eyes stand out like emerald's in the barren scene'
-Emeralds. Careful of the apostrophe s. Gorgeous image, though.
I love the mood this dialogue sets:
'"It was the Russians."
I struggle to maintain a sense of coherence. "What do you mean?"
"Maybe...maybe it was the North Koreans."'
It's so... not relevant. She's really not quite settled in herself. Nice.
And the ending line is superb:
'We embrace passionately in the dark, for that one lapse in time, we grow in life as the world decays around us.'
I dunno how to say it, but it makes me tingly.
Overall, a smashing oneshot.
I enjoyed it! Got the kind of hopeless romance I like so much, mixed in with a bit of action, tragedy and horror. Atmospheric!
I think there is too much detail being crammed into the first paragraph. Let the action spread, maybe. It's like you've made a sandwich with too much filling in one part.
After typing that note, I read on to discover that a number of your paragraphs are a little too meaty for my taste, but chalk that up to my writing style's difference from yours. I think that all those details, stated with so many sentences and words, bog down the text a little bit. You can have way more impact with punchy sentences.
'The ones that had eluded the gunfire eventually *succumbed to the deadly fumes circling the air, dropping like flies, then gruesomely steamrolled by the invaders.*'
-Woops! Switch in tense, there. You start in present, but here swap gradually into past. This plagues your otherwise awesome oneshot throughout.
'I don't quite know why we're running.'
-Probably because the narrator says a second later "our lives are in eminent danger". I thought that was kinda cute, thought you definitely weren't intending for that effect.
'"What did you manage to get, Kurt?" *She whispers to me.'
-Should be lowercase. Also, why mention a gun (I think you mentioned a gun) when they never get to use it? I would've had her shoot him out of mercy, personally, only to discover there was but one bullet /foreveralone/.
'Geniene's green eyes stand out like emerald's in the barren scene'
-Emeralds. Careful of the apostrophe s. Gorgeous image, though.
I love the mood this dialogue sets:
'"It was the Russians."
I struggle to maintain a sense of coherence. "What do you mean?"
"Maybe...maybe it was the North Koreans."'
It's so... not relevant. She's really not quite settled in herself. Nice.
And the ending line is superb:
'We embrace passionately in the dark, for that one lapse in time, we grow in life as the world decays around us.'
I dunno how to say it, but it makes me tingly.
Overall, a smashing oneshot.
3