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for Death Valley

5/19/2013 c1 12ahorizonforthenewbirds
Wow, I really like this poem. It feels very powerful, though I can't say I grasp the meaning of it.

Constructive Criticism:
- At first, the lack of punctuation made it hard to read with any sort of rhythm. I think repeating some lines fixed this problem for the most part, though some punctuation would be nice as a guideline. It would probably sound better if it was slowed down too.
- It's hard to tell what point of view the narration is from. It's always first person, but in the first three stanzas it's plural ('our matching green eyes'; 'our dear'; etc) and the last two there's a singular pov as well. I'm not sure who's talking, and I think the poem should try to be a bit clearer about that - is it a group of people and then one person from within the group?
- I love the repetition of "outlive ourselves in death valley", though as the last line, I think it needs punctuation to really work. It seems awkward, the way it comes after "and I walk away" without even a comma.

Positive Criticism:
- I love the vocabulary in the poem. I had to look up some words; that's how you know your wording is good ;) It really does set the mood for the poem. The poem has a sad, melancholy, depressed feeling to it, as though the people narrating it are stuck in a dying land by choices they made.
- I've mentioned this before, but the repetition of certain lines really works. I enjoyed the carefully structured way those lines were repeated as well - the first and third lines in each stanza used again. It made the last one even more powerful because of how each line in there has already been used, but put together, they create very strong emotions.
- The lines "I cannot define a man who cannot even define himself" and "outlive ourselves in death valley" are especially moving and I would say those are my favourites from the entire poem. They reach much deeper than I can understand.

Overall, I really enjoyed the poem. It makes me think of the barrenness in one's heart after one loses a love, or a loved one. The man (or woman) feels like he's in a deserted landscape, surrounded only by others as broken as he is. They try to forget and move past their grief, but it's hard because they can't escape the memories of the past. Then, the narrator begins to think he's lost himself and decides to try and leave the death valley - the heartache he feels. That's just my opinion though; yours might be completely different. If it's not too much to ask, could you please PM me with your thoughts on the poem? :)
5/14/2013 c1 3riverstardust
I like the line 'I cannot define a man who cannot even define himself' your poem feels like it has deep meaning to it, but its not really rhymy (sorry, im a sucker for poems which rhyme!) Still, nice job! )

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