Just In
for Day of the Dead

5/20/2013 c1 lifeisabook
This is absolutely fantastic! A couple of grammar/spelling errors, but nothing that takes away from comprehension. I love the point of view- is it second person, with 'you' as the pronoun? I don't know, but whatever it is I love it. This is completely terrific. You've got great style. Good work, keep it up!

5/19/2013 c1 29YasuRan
I really enjoyed it. Despite it being second-person, or because of it, the narrative flowed crystal-clear and cohesive thanks to the use of description to further the protagonist's motives and some aspects of his personality. Also, I like how you managed to convey a lot in brief, concise sentences. That says a lot about your choice of words and how they affect the story's atmosphere. For example, I find that the simple vocab reflects the age of the narrator and his background.

There's also quite a bit to be said about the sparse prose. Rather than boring me, it kept me interested with the sense of mystery it created with the two characters' interactions. It seems to hint at more to come in the future for them and I look forward to watching it all unravel :)
5/13/2013 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
[Her fingers find their way from your hand to your dick pretty quickly, but they run over the Aether on the way, and she reaches her hand into your pocket, extracting the bag of Aether.]

I think you need a "would have" before the "found" because her hand doesn't seem to make it to his dick if it stops to get the Aether, and they kinda go from there.

I really like this concept of the whole "fake punk" thing the narrator is going through. I think it says a lot about that clique, how there are so many punk-rockers who are only concerned about being "punk" and not coming across as posers. I think you also address the concept of wanting to fit in really well with how the narrator thinks about leaving and going to do something else, but he stays anyways. It really builds on the character, and it's a great way to show the narrator's personality.

I also really like the colors and sounds at the end. I think that's a great example of synesthesia, and I think it's also really effective in pulling the reader into the story so they can experience what the characters are experiencing. Plus it creates some really awesome visuals inside my head. Very Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas-y.

I'm not too sold on the ending. I feel like there should be some punchy final line since there are some really nice poetic lines through the rest of the story. Maybe something more open-ended...I knew the girl gives him her number, but eh, I don't know. I wonder if having her say something witty as a final line might be something to consider. Right now I was a little let down, considering you go from the narrator's really cool experience with the drugs to him being like, "well, I guess I should go home now." Maybe even just removing that last line might help.
5/12/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
There are really great things going on here. I loved the otherworldly aspects of this. All at once you can't tell if its a real world, or an alternative reality and the sane can be said about current time or sometime in the future. I also liked the anti social vibe of the character. I got a lot of bravado from him but also a lot of fear and insecurity behind that mask. I did think that the opening was a little bit slow, and it took a while for things to get going, but that was just a minor thing. I hope you decide to continue with this. Update soon.

Much love,
5/11/2013 c1 2Jalux
The setting is strong in this piece, it's especially good because of the way you described it. All the descriptions of what's going on makes the story more immersive, especially the 'desert'. The voice of Ransom is also very strong and all the insight we get into his character gives this piece strength.

The ending is well done and leaves the reader with a kinda 'lost' feeling I suppose, kinda felt sad for Ransom in some ways.
5/11/2013 c1 4Lolitroy
May I ask why on earth is this called the same way as my poem!?
5/11/2013 c1 4lookingwest
Hey, cool piece. I like the atmosphere of this one and your main character Ransom really intrigued me because of the sexuality bit and the whole idea of playing into a certain scene even if you don't really believe in it - kind of like, being aware of the "fake" and stuff. I liked the different dimensions, he comes off as very complex and I like how you compliment that with the drug Aether and everything, especially towards the end when him and the girl take it instead of having sex. That kind of reminds me of V in TrueBlood when Jason takes it and thinks he has sex, but he really didn't, he was just super high, haha. Good scene.

I really liked the setting of this story too - you do a good job contrasting city with desert, and I liked the attention to the actual show with Dex and stuff, and when they leave him and he watches them go. There's something sad there that I liked. The mixing of the senses with colors was really well done in that regard too - I loved the attention to the color purple and then the dark blue towards the ending. I got all these really great visuals. Sometimes they weren't completely concerete visuals, but I never mind that, and I think it leaves more up to the reader's imagination too.

Overall, big strength in this I think is the character of Ransom and his narrative voice, plus the end scenes and the point where we go from the show to the ending. I really also loved the Day of the Dead imagery, the skulls - especially the sugar skull line, that was a favorite. There's some really great stuff in this piece! Enjoyed it for sure!

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service