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for Amira

8/10/2013 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
I don’t know why, but I kept expecting him to betray her. This is a really interesting opening, and you do a good job of drawing the reader into this world and connecting with these characters. Not always easy to do, so good stuff. I would suggest changing the first couple of words; [The small girl] doesn’t seem to fit with what we find out about her later on. It makes her sound like a child, rather than…well, I’m assuming she’s slightly older than that, at least. Nice balance of description and dialogue, making it easy for the reader to imagine the surroundings. Good stuff, keep it up.
5/21/2013 c2 Girlinblue24
I loved the imagery and the personification you used in your opening. The aroma moving like a virus, and the flowers just blooming. It sounded so serene, yet a bit off since I don’t really view beautiful things moving like a virus. But, then again, it does effectively get the point of the aroma flooding the area across. Who knew one whole opening sentence could be so lovely? I tip my hat to you.
Eep. Not too sure I understand the end... But, if I do, which I think I do... kind of. I cannot wait to read your next chapter.

The third paragraph, when the girl is decorating her hair with the flowers, it was beautifully written. It seemed so real, so sweet. And then, to have her ask her grandmother if she looked like a warrior princess, I smiled. It was so cute. I can just picture the little girl doing this. When I found out the grandmother was no longer alive, I felt my heart clench. So sad.

The dialogue itself flowed quite nicely. I had a good feel of the character’s personalities as I read their dialogue. However, for a twelve-year-old boy, he seemed to talk a bit too proper. That might just be me though. I only felt that way when he said “headstrong attitude”.

I like Amira now that I get a feel of her personality. Her twelve-year-old version was so cute. I liked Augustus too. He reminded me of a friend I once had.
Daniel seems like a cutie. I also pity Rebecca.

“Wrapping her arms around the trunk, she soon climbed up and concealed herself among the foliage, her eyes curiously awaiting the person that had interrupted her.” I think it should be more like: “Wrapping her arms around the trunk, she climbed up the tree and concealed herself among the foliage. Her eye curiously awaited to see the person that had interrupted her.” This is just a suggestion.
The first sentence after the time-skip seems a little odd to me. I think maybe you should make into two sentences.
“...her eyes rested on the faint online of her rosemary plant...” Should be outline.

This chapter was a major improvement. I loved it. Keep up the good work! :)
I like how the setting is in the 1200’s in Lithuania. You don’t see that too often
The quote you used at the beginning is not only an great quote, but I feel like it fit this chapter nicely.
5/19/2013 c1 5Max Sorrell
I absolutely love the opening quote! :D
This is really interesting I really like the fantasy world you have created and the main character seems really interesting :)
5/16/2013 c1 Guest
you have to update now! I want to read on. :(
5/18/2013 c1 9Highway Unicorn
I liked your descriptions in the first half of this chapter, you know, about the battle zone and the death and stuff. It was nicely done, and I could easily envision it; however, it seemed like the description kinda died down the second half. :( Maybe adding a little more detail of the scenery and facial reactions of the characters will do the trick?

I didn't like the quick change of mood/things from the first half to the second in regards to Amira's condition. I mean, in the first half, she's all dramatic and dying/ready to die, but then later on, she seems okie dokie and making snide comments and stuff. To me, it just didn't flow right and it was an abrupt change.
5/18/2013 c1 SupaSaiyanGamer
Great work here.
I really like the names you've come up with and I'm curious now to see about Horatio.
Also on the subject of this being too dramatic, It makes sense if you think about it.
Can't wait to see what you'll do with second chapter. Update soon!
5/17/2013 c1 1Fire and Thorns
I really liked your descriptive words! Especially when you described the forest around Amira and Augustus. That was really nice. Also, I liked the dialogue between the two characters. Amira is quirky and really loyal, from what I see. Augustus is laid-back. I also love his name (Augustus.) You picked good names, eg. Amira, Augustus, Horatio... it fits with the scene.

I would say you should sort of not make it dramatic but I kinda see it from Amira's point too. If my kingdom was about to be attacked by this evil king, I'd start breaking down too. Nice job on your story! Overall, you're a good writer.
5/17/2013 c1 4lookingwest
Opening - When I first started reading I did have a little trouble visualizing where exactly Amira was on the ground in juxtaposition to the soldiers that were marching and everything. I wasn't sure if she was really close by them, or if she was far away, or where exactly she was even (at first I even wondered if she was inside some sort of dunegon with a dirt-floor). Perhaps a little more grounding there would be cool - describe maybe some trees, or bushes that hid her from sight, or anything in that regard. You do do a good job with describing the stars though, so I did pick up that we were outside and everything, but I'd urge to go a little further before Augusts does come and we get the description of the "Seas of tall grass..." paragraph.

Relationship - I like how you show the relationship between Augustus and Amira. I think you have a good technique to show their relationship through their banter when Amira gives him an order and he kind of chides her for it. I thought that showed a bit from their past relationship too, and where they are now. I did get the sense that they were a couple, though at first I found Augustus's actual standing in the kingdom a little ambiguous. I was even reminded a little bit of the Princess Bride and felt that he could've been anything from a knighted knight to a farm hand that she just grew up with, though I lean towards knight because he is wearing the armor. But it's also the enemies armor - so I wasn't sure if he was just on some sort of secret mission, etc. But good job anyway, showing their relationship through their interactions with one another and body language!

Plot - Sooo Amira was reaching for this amulet on the ground as part of her destiny or some such - and then all of the sudden Augustus comes and she kind of never mentions the amulet again... What was that about? It was a little unclear I suppose if she was seeing that amulet in like, some sort of vision, or if it was physically there. In which case, she seems to put a lot of importance into it and then just forgets it as soon as her boyfriend shows up. It was perhaps ambiguous, which is fine, but I found it a bit strange she didn't mention it again.

Character - Amira seems headstrong and interesting. I like that we get dropped hints that she's usually very strong willed and she's just not on her A game right now. I also liked that at the end she turns her thoughts away from a more perhaps secondary love story that might emerge throughout the novel, and back to saving her kingdom, which appears valid and also shows her strength that she's able to push those thoughts away, I think. I'm interested to see where her character will start in your first chapter, as I'm guessing since this is one of the end scenes, you're going to backtrack with her. It will be cool to see you develop her characterization so we get to this point, which is a fun trick with the prologues are the endings. The flirting with Augustus in the middle of war(?) or panic was also interesting of her - I felt that showed a bit of her personality, and I actually got the sense that she was more care-free and lighthearted than Augustus was supposed to be during their banter.

Anyways, good luck with this! I think you've got a beginning that definitely starts in medis res and that's great!
5/16/2013 c1 Girlinblue24
I must agree with lolitroy, I seriously love the name Augustus! I also love Amira's name.

And, sadly, I must admit that I did not really get a feel for the characters. It seemed a tad bit melodramatic to me. I feel like I am supposed to feel a connection with Amira or something... like seriously care for her. But, I can't bring myself too. Maybe in the next chapter there will be more character development for her. Because, I want to like her... But, I can't.

However, I do love how you started with the ending first. It makes me very excited to read your story because I want to know how certain things came to be. Not to mention I love the whole prince/princess love thing.
I'm a sucker for romance and it has fantasy to boot, so I will be waiting for your next chapter.
I also do like the atmosphere you created. I could almost feel what was going on. The flow of the story, structure wise, was pretty good to. I do LOVE your imagery and details.

To end a rather long review, I can't wait to read more.
5/16/2013 c1 4Lolitroy
Eeeeh... okay. Lemme start.

Before going to the actual review: Augustusssssss I love that nameeeee! Just like Augustus Waters! Yaaaaaay!

*End fangirling*

Soo I agree with the review below me (Dr. Self-Destruct I think?) that says you're being a bit melodramatic. I mean, she's dying (that's what I got) or isn't she? It sounds like she is, so anyway. Point is, you're trying to make readers root for a character they don't know. I really didn't care if Amira died, to be honest. Just... no.

And starting with the ending is a bit peculiar, but still good. Halfway in the story I will wonder "how did they get there?" and stuff. I think it was a good idea.

As with the prose, it's fine! It's your style of writing, so don't change it. It brings personality to the story :3
5/12/2013 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
Some of the general word choice in this prologue seems to be melodramatic. This is entirely personal preference, but I find it's best to try and stray away from melodrama because it cheapens the general story. Words like "engulfed" or phrases like "the turmoil clouding her mind and soul" come off really heavy-handed, so I'd suggest holding back on the more dramatic vocabulary. But other than that, I think the writing is really well done. I really enjoy the descriptions you open with, like when you address the setting of the bushes and the orange sky. I think it really helps ground the reader and it gives me a setting to picture when Amira is interacting with Augustus.

You may want to Google a dialogue punctuation guide, because I noticed a lot of your dialogue is punctuated incorrectly. I know it's a rather minor thing, but it really helps with the rhythm of the dialogue. For example:

["Let us be on our way, then." Amira stated,]

The period after 'then' needs to be a comma because 'Amira stated' is enhancing the words that were spoken. You'd use a period at the end of the dialogue when it's an action tag, like this:

["Hello." He smiled.]

But yeah. Googling a dialogue punctuation guide might be something to think about because I'm sure it'll explain it a lot better than I did.
5/11/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
I really enjoyed the world/atmosphere that you set up here. I could not only get a clear sense of danger but also a good sense of the scope of this world. I think that by showcasing what you did allowed the reader to feel how high the stakes were. I also thought that you handled the pacing very well. The story flowed smoothly and the narration was very consistent. I did notice a few phrases like "evil clutches" which to me felt a bit cliche, and felt awkward. I think my only critique would be to edit those out. I think it will help the prose in the long run. Can't wait to read more!

Much love,
5/11/2013 c1 Azelae
Ooh! This is really nice. I'm a sucker for prince/princess stories anyways, but... yeah! I can't wait til you update. Augustus is like... perfect. *swoon*
And Amira is practically a female warrior. I can't believe that she's a princess, but I guess I really like that about her. I want to know who Prince Horatio is and what he did to her. Again, nice work and I really can't wait for the next chapter! :D

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