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for Children of the Sky

4/4/2018 c1 lalamisra
5/26/2013 c1 Romantic Hazard
Ha lol, I love Penguin_Glory! "Haha, erected..."

My only problem is that a) the chat room thing is kind of hard to read and feels more like a script, and b) If I was telling someone something over a chatroom I wouldn't write it like "He eyed me suspiciously." becasue it sounds like he's writing a story. Presumably that was your intention but it feels unnatural. If you'e gonna write it in chat format then do it normally or don't do it at all, because it all seems really odd. Other than that the plot sounds good and I've always liked doomsday cults and things in lit so that'll probably be interesting. I'll keep an eye out for the next chapter. Cheerio!
5/21/2013 c1 TheOneAndOnlyBangBang
Hi, I just thought I'd stop by and REVIEW!

The format is really weird, I get that you were going for a chatroom approach, and hopefully it won't last for more than a couple of chapters, because in all honesty I find it very off putting. At first glance a reader may also mistake it for a play or script, and you'll be hounded for not putting it in that category.

The overall premises of the story seems okay. It is intriguing, the mysterious cult that seems to be emerging hooks the readers interest, specifically when you said [Psychotic cults don't tend to go well] which I'm presuming is a prelude to something much bigger later on in the story.

As I said above, I don't think chatroom-esque style is the best way to convey the story, and can be a little distracting at times. It also leaves little room for actual character development. All the people evidently know each other, and therefore they cannot be used to introduce a character with a sort of 'hello, tell me about yourself' way, and the fact that it is shown within a virtual online chatroom also means we cannot see their physical reactions to things. The confident sounding [SilentWings] could be wetting his/herself over the recent news rather than how she is depicted through her message.

However you have conveyed SOME of their personalities which I congratulate you for. We know [Penguin_Glory] is the oldest but still immature. We also know [Wings] is a joker with the [friendly neighbourhood Spiderman] line, but as said before, that could be a mask for how they are really reacting BEHIND their computer alias. Physical reactions are just as important when story-telling as reactions through dialogue, so hopefully the chatroom-esque style will not be permanent.

Good luck with the story!

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