for Monsters5/18/2013 c1 
4Lolitroy
Like everyone else said, good beginning. Strong, and awesome.
Good imagery.
Just noticed you switch from third person to first person in the middle of the flashback, which is kind of odd. Also, I'm wondering one thing: if he's so small, how can he remember that?
This is a long story, I suppose, because the ending was like POOF! the end. Am I right?
Nice story. If there are more chapters, I'll read.
4LolitroyLike everyone else said, good beginning. Strong, and awesome.
Good imagery.
Just noticed you switch from third person to first person in the middle of the flashback, which is kind of odd. Also, I'm wondering one thing: if he's so small, how can he remember that?
This is a long story, I suppose, because the ending was like POOF! the end. Am I right?
Nice story. If there are more chapters, I'll read.
5/17/2013 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
[Kano grimaced quietly.]
Grimacing is more of a gesture than a noise, so the "quietly" feels unneeded.
["I know I'm a liar," He murmured, voice soft; sounding fake even to himself.]
The "he" after the dialogue needs to be lowercase. Also, you sometimes use your semi-colons incorrectly. The proper use is to have them linking two independent clauses together. "Sounding fake even to himself" isn't an independent clause, so just using a comma instead of the semi-colon would work.
["Look at you, can't even smile without my power. You can't function without me." Kano glanced away from the mirror quietly, ashamed.]
Is this Kano talking, or the voice inside his head? Because since Kano's actions come right after the dialogue it gives the impression that he's the one speaking. But it doesn't sound like something a person would say to themselves, so I wasn't sure.
[The unfortunate child, who had come in with nothing but scruffy old clothes (if they could be called that; they were more like a servant's loins,]
Missing an end parenthesis here.
I really enjoy your beginning because I think the scars and the burns leave a really strong first impression and picture inside the reader's head. It's a really cool image, and I'm glad you paused for a moment to build on it before you moved on.
I'm not too convinced with the stuffed rabbit, though. I feel like I need to know more about Kano and the relationship he had with the stuffed animal to really feel any sympathy for him. I know it's mentioned that the rabbit was there for him when his parents weren't, but that's a pretty broad explanation. I think narrowing in on a certain scene where the stuffed animal helped him face his fears or get over a certain event when his parents weren't there might make the relationship between them more believable and concrete. But I wouldn't really go *that* into it unless this stuffed animal becomes important to the story. My first impression is "it's just a stuffed animal, so why is this kid freaking out so bad?" I just think answering that question might help the reader understand Kano's mentality better and how this one memory out of all his memories is so important.
5Dr. Self Destruct[Kano grimaced quietly.]
Grimacing is more of a gesture than a noise, so the "quietly" feels unneeded.
["I know I'm a liar," He murmured, voice soft; sounding fake even to himself.]
The "he" after the dialogue needs to be lowercase. Also, you sometimes use your semi-colons incorrectly. The proper use is to have them linking two independent clauses together. "Sounding fake even to himself" isn't an independent clause, so just using a comma instead of the semi-colon would work.
["Look at you, can't even smile without my power. You can't function without me." Kano glanced away from the mirror quietly, ashamed.]
Is this Kano talking, or the voice inside his head? Because since Kano's actions come right after the dialogue it gives the impression that he's the one speaking. But it doesn't sound like something a person would say to themselves, so I wasn't sure.
[The unfortunate child, who had come in with nothing but scruffy old clothes (if they could be called that; they were more like a servant's loins,]
Missing an end parenthesis here.
I really enjoy your beginning because I think the scars and the burns leave a really strong first impression and picture inside the reader's head. It's a really cool image, and I'm glad you paused for a moment to build on it before you moved on.
I'm not too convinced with the stuffed rabbit, though. I feel like I need to know more about Kano and the relationship he had with the stuffed animal to really feel any sympathy for him. I know it's mentioned that the rabbit was there for him when his parents weren't, but that's a pretty broad explanation. I think narrowing in on a certain scene where the stuffed animal helped him face his fears or get over a certain event when his parents weren't there might make the relationship between them more believable and concrete. But I wouldn't really go *that* into it unless this stuffed animal becomes important to the story. My first impression is "it's just a stuffed animal, so why is this kid freaking out so bad?" I just think answering that question might help the reader understand Kano's mentality better and how this one memory out of all his memories is so important.
5/17/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
I think you did a really good job at showing Kanos internal struggle with the demon. I liked how you constantly utilized the monster as a device to build the character and the plot.
The story feel incomplete for me though. It seems like something is missing. I'm not sure if this will be a multi chap story or a one shot but either way it appears to lack a clear theme. I feel like you have characters and a scene but nothing else.
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietI think you did a really good job at showing Kanos internal struggle with the demon. I liked how you constantly utilized the monster as a device to build the character and the plot.
The story feel incomplete for me though. It seems like something is missing. I'm not sure if this will be a multi chap story or a one shot but either way it appears to lack a clear theme. I feel like you have characters and a scene but nothing else.
Juliet.
5/17/2013 c1 1SincerelyNaila
I really liked the beginning and how you described his scars and body. I think it was a pretty nice start and that you have a way with words. It just seems to ... flow right, ya know? I especially liked your wording in paragraph four. You had a lot of nice, descriptive words there.
I'd recommend inserting some line breaks. Especially when you're switching from the monster's dialogue or actions to Kano's dialogue and actions. It'll help your story be a little more clearer.
I also don't understand this part of your story: '(if they could be called that; they were more like a servant's loins, and a dirty old rabbit was about to lose his only reliable companion.' I don't see how it relates. I'd say you should cut it out or reword the sentence.
In paragraph seventeen, you have a mistake. You're writing in third person yet you randomly switch to first person. You should change 'beg' to 'begged.'
The ending was a bit odd to me. It randomly cuts off with Kano punching the mirror. I understand he doesn't want to see the monster anymore, but I'd emphasize on the point or include something else.
1SincerelyNailaI really liked the beginning and how you described his scars and body. I think it was a pretty nice start and that you have a way with words. It just seems to ... flow right, ya know? I especially liked your wording in paragraph four. You had a lot of nice, descriptive words there.
I'd recommend inserting some line breaks. Especially when you're switching from the monster's dialogue or actions to Kano's dialogue and actions. It'll help your story be a little more clearer.
I also don't understand this part of your story: '(if they could be called that; they were more like a servant's loins, and a dirty old rabbit was about to lose his only reliable companion.' I don't see how it relates. I'd say you should cut it out or reword the sentence.
In paragraph seventeen, you have a mistake. You're writing in third person yet you randomly switch to first person. You should change 'beg' to 'begged.'
The ending was a bit odd to me. It randomly cuts off with Kano punching the mirror. I understand he doesn't want to see the monster anymore, but I'd emphasize on the point or include something else.