for Dimension -Removed-8/12/2013 c13 J. Mercer
I don't know ... a thousand suns would be pretty hot!
That was a pretty powerful intro, and well done for the most part (aside from some straying literary melodrama here and there, but who can resist that in the throw of things?). It's like a morbid poem to death by Auschwitz and Alderaan combined. I'm afraid to read on and ruin the moment.
You ruined it! Why isn't she DEAD? You got my hopes up and ... Damn you, Kiya, you win this round!
I think you could extend that initial wakeful response out a bit (if you want). Make it take longer for her to realize it wasn't real, since it was so traumatically vivid and all. I think I've been scarred for life by proxy, personally.
Mohawk? Since when did Boone have a mohawk? Why doesn't anyone tell me these things!
Is this the first time you mentioned their haircuts? It seems a little abrupt and out of place for that reason. I think you might have not spent enough time sowing descriptions of them throughout to not make this part seem a little forced.
I got it. SHE was the bad guy all along. Why else would she be so at home with killers? She's really a murderous psychopathic monster deep down inside. I knew it.
Thank him with a kiss, you trumped up harlot from beyond the stars! He's going to die soon! And without ever knowing true love ...
Hating on Kiya - rated T for Team. Come on, Deo, let's do it!
Spoiler alert: Mazayus IS his father. They can destroy the Emperor, and rule this dying galaxy as father and son!
She's hiding something, Mazayus. She's a tricksy little Cipherses. I'll hold her down while you beat it out of her.
The Underworld? Under WHAT world? This one? That one? This is a galaxy, Kiya. Treehugging nonsense ...
I don't know ... a thousand suns would be pretty hot!
That was a pretty powerful intro, and well done for the most part (aside from some straying literary melodrama here and there, but who can resist that in the throw of things?). It's like a morbid poem to death by Auschwitz and Alderaan combined. I'm afraid to read on and ruin the moment.
You ruined it! Why isn't she DEAD? You got my hopes up and ... Damn you, Kiya, you win this round!
I think you could extend that initial wakeful response out a bit (if you want). Make it take longer for her to realize it wasn't real, since it was so traumatically vivid and all. I think I've been scarred for life by proxy, personally.
Mohawk? Since when did Boone have a mohawk? Why doesn't anyone tell me these things!
Is this the first time you mentioned their haircuts? It seems a little abrupt and out of place for that reason. I think you might have not spent enough time sowing descriptions of them throughout to not make this part seem a little forced.
I got it. SHE was the bad guy all along. Why else would she be so at home with killers? She's really a murderous psychopathic monster deep down inside. I knew it.
Thank him with a kiss, you trumped up harlot from beyond the stars! He's going to die soon! And without ever knowing true love ...
Hating on Kiya - rated T for Team. Come on, Deo, let's do it!
Spoiler alert: Mazayus IS his father. They can destroy the Emperor, and rule this dying galaxy as father and son!
She's hiding something, Mazayus. She's a tricksy little Cipherses. I'll hold her down while you beat it out of her.
The Underworld? Under WHAT world? This one? That one? This is a galaxy, Kiya. Treehugging nonsense ...
8/12/2013 c14 Thomas Saboy
Once again another amazing chapter! Can't wait to see how these developments turn out :)
Once again another amazing chapter! Can't wait to see how these developments turn out :)
8/12/2013 c14 Gemma Sundry
Ok so I went and checked out that new chapter way back at the start, and HOLY MOLY it was amazing! It had a real epic punch and I think I stopped breathing at one point because when I finished I was short of breath XD I clicked pretty quickly that it was just a simulation and they were training, but it was still a thriller to read, plus with the fact that they still feel the pain and can die. POOR DEO! He was noble in saving Boone, but then it backfired :( I wish I could give him a big hug XD
WE FORGOT OUR CYBER CONDOMS!
And this chapter was a teaser, hinting at Rockland's past again and some sort of resentment of the Paragons, and I liked the revelation that Morrison is slightly insane XD I wonder what exactly happened to their crew? and what is a distortion event? obviously something traumatic, so that will be interesting to find out. I like Lander :) and I laughed at that drip, Freeman XD
Ok so I went and checked out that new chapter way back at the start, and HOLY MOLY it was amazing! It had a real epic punch and I think I stopped breathing at one point because when I finished I was short of breath XD I clicked pretty quickly that it was just a simulation and they were training, but it was still a thriller to read, plus with the fact that they still feel the pain and can die. POOR DEO! He was noble in saving Boone, but then it backfired :( I wish I could give him a big hug XD
WE FORGOT OUR CYBER CONDOMS!
And this chapter was a teaser, hinting at Rockland's past again and some sort of resentment of the Paragons, and I liked the revelation that Morrison is slightly insane XD I wonder what exactly happened to their crew? and what is a distortion event? obviously something traumatic, so that will be interesting to find out. I like Lander :) and I laughed at that drip, Freeman XD
8/12/2013 c13 Gemma Sundry
I was wondering when Kiya would have another vision. That was nothing short of amazing, I felt like I was there and seeing it through her eyes. I love how you transition into first person perspective, or when you do flashbacks you change to past tense. I really hope Olympus isn't going to be destroyed :O I've kind of fallen in love with it, it sounds so beautiful :D The descriptions were great too! I think you've captured Nathanael's coldness perfectly, and Boone's dorkiness. As you know, I have a soft spot for your Deo ;) so the information about him in this chapter had me intrigued, especially since Kiya knows something about his father.
I was wondering when Kiya would have another vision. That was nothing short of amazing, I felt like I was there and seeing it through her eyes. I love how you transition into first person perspective, or when you do flashbacks you change to past tense. I really hope Olympus isn't going to be destroyed :O I've kind of fallen in love with it, it sounds so beautiful :D The descriptions were great too! I think you've captured Nathanael's coldness perfectly, and Boone's dorkiness. As you know, I have a soft spot for your Deo ;) so the information about him in this chapter had me intrigued, especially since Kiya knows something about his father.
8/8/2013 c13 WellywoodR
I'd say the possibility of getting recognised on FictionPress are slim to none, unfortunately. I'm sure agents and publishers have enough submissions to go through already, and I doubt they would be out looking. But this is a good place to polish your work and hone your skills.
I'd recommend staying here for a while longer before publishing to Kindle. I'm not really sure how the process of advertisement works over there, though. Could be just as slim to get recognised there as FictionPress.
Anyway, Forerunner of Distortion... that title gives me mini goosebumps.
But wow. Kiyatera's vision was mesmerizing in a horrid, violent, explosive way. Your detail, attention to her emotion, visualisation, and exquisite yet simple writing gives this scene a powerful memory. I find myself envisioning this and it's staying with me. Your execution was gripping, and we have that poetic feel again which brings in that spiritual touch you like to emphasis.
When she woke and took a moment to survey the Paragons while trying to calm down, I felt that was very well done, a subtle way to take the time to describe them while still remaining in the setting of the story. You're getting better at that.
The individual descriptions were intimate and nice, kind of giving us time to wind down after that dreadful vision. It's like you were taking us back to reality, which made me feel closer to Kiya as she was in that situation. I'm also glad that you mentioned that they were getting smelly and messy lmao XD That keeps things real, and its nice to know that even the beautiful, elegant Cipher gets BO too XD
Intriguing, about Deo's father and the connection between him and Mazayus. So does Mazayus see Deo as a son-figure, or a younger brother? I think there wasn't a huge age difference between the two, so its an unusual superiority. Although Mazayus does fill that leader role, so perhaps you just meant that he views Deo as someone under his command, but with that personal bond.
What has miss Kiya hidden up her sleeve this time, I wonder. More secrets, typical, lol. I'm interested to see where this goes.
So now, they start to pick up the pace, and we get into that urgency that was missing before. No more dawdling. You did warn that it would take a while to wind up, but with the wait, it does bring that natural turn of events that most stories lack just to make the story action-packed.
I'm also liking Mazayus more now. The only character that is still lacking for me is Nathanael, even though I think you intended for him to stay more in the background. I want to know his thoughts about his wife.
Keep it up!
I'd say the possibility of getting recognised on FictionPress are slim to none, unfortunately. I'm sure agents and publishers have enough submissions to go through already, and I doubt they would be out looking. But this is a good place to polish your work and hone your skills.
I'd recommend staying here for a while longer before publishing to Kindle. I'm not really sure how the process of advertisement works over there, though. Could be just as slim to get recognised there as FictionPress.
Anyway, Forerunner of Distortion... that title gives me mini goosebumps.
But wow. Kiyatera's vision was mesmerizing in a horrid, violent, explosive way. Your detail, attention to her emotion, visualisation, and exquisite yet simple writing gives this scene a powerful memory. I find myself envisioning this and it's staying with me. Your execution was gripping, and we have that poetic feel again which brings in that spiritual touch you like to emphasis.
When she woke and took a moment to survey the Paragons while trying to calm down, I felt that was very well done, a subtle way to take the time to describe them while still remaining in the setting of the story. You're getting better at that.
The individual descriptions were intimate and nice, kind of giving us time to wind down after that dreadful vision. It's like you were taking us back to reality, which made me feel closer to Kiya as she was in that situation. I'm also glad that you mentioned that they were getting smelly and messy lmao XD That keeps things real, and its nice to know that even the beautiful, elegant Cipher gets BO too XD
Intriguing, about Deo's father and the connection between him and Mazayus. So does Mazayus see Deo as a son-figure, or a younger brother? I think there wasn't a huge age difference between the two, so its an unusual superiority. Although Mazayus does fill that leader role, so perhaps you just meant that he views Deo as someone under his command, but with that personal bond.
What has miss Kiya hidden up her sleeve this time, I wonder. More secrets, typical, lol. I'm interested to see where this goes.
So now, they start to pick up the pace, and we get into that urgency that was missing before. No more dawdling. You did warn that it would take a while to wind up, but with the wait, it does bring that natural turn of events that most stories lack just to make the story action-packed.
I'm also liking Mazayus more now. The only character that is still lacking for me is Nathanael, even though I think you intended for him to stay more in the background. I want to know his thoughts about his wife.
Keep it up!
8/5/2013 c12 Gemma Sundry
Is that Deo on the cover? I think it is :) He looks pissed but still sexy ;)
This chapter really opened up the universe with the new information, and it also made us connect with the characters more. Deo was so adorable! how he was trying to please Kiya but ended up making a fool of himself haha! and was that the beginnings of Kiya being attracted to him with how she was watching him skin the Canterpaw?... maybe? But then he ruined the moment XD I also thought Boone was cute here too, he is so derp that he's lovable. Your characters are really coming to life, and I feel like I'm getting to know them more and more as the story goes on.
Kiyatera is wise in her youth, and I really like that you've given her this ethereal way. The fact that she trusts the Paragons enough to tell them about her Nefnala was touching and sweet, but I cant help feeling bittersweet about it because the Paragons are going to die at the end of the mission :(
Mazayus hung around in the background here and popped a few lines in, which worked since he does only seem to speak when needed. Same with Nathanael, though I don't think he spoke at all in this chapter lol. I'm wanting to get a little more inside his head, if you wouldn't mind? :) Maybe in later chapters we will start to see Nathanael unfold more.
So fav characters would go, Deo, Kiya, Boone, Mazayus, Nathanael. :)
I told myself to only read one chapter at a time so I could take my time and process, but I can't help myself, I want to know more!
Is that Deo on the cover? I think it is :) He looks pissed but still sexy ;)
This chapter really opened up the universe with the new information, and it also made us connect with the characters more. Deo was so adorable! how he was trying to please Kiya but ended up making a fool of himself haha! and was that the beginnings of Kiya being attracted to him with how she was watching him skin the Canterpaw?... maybe? But then he ruined the moment XD I also thought Boone was cute here too, he is so derp that he's lovable. Your characters are really coming to life, and I feel like I'm getting to know them more and more as the story goes on.
Kiyatera is wise in her youth, and I really like that you've given her this ethereal way. The fact that she trusts the Paragons enough to tell them about her Nefnala was touching and sweet, but I cant help feeling bittersweet about it because the Paragons are going to die at the end of the mission :(
Mazayus hung around in the background here and popped a few lines in, which worked since he does only seem to speak when needed. Same with Nathanael, though I don't think he spoke at all in this chapter lol. I'm wanting to get a little more inside his head, if you wouldn't mind? :) Maybe in later chapters we will start to see Nathanael unfold more.
So fav characters would go, Deo, Kiya, Boone, Mazayus, Nathanael. :)
I told myself to only read one chapter at a time so I could take my time and process, but I can't help myself, I want to know more!
8/5/2013 c11 Gemma Sundry
Oh god, you had me going at the start there thinking Deo was hunting the UEU! But naughty Deo, killing an endangered species. Tsk tsk :P Boone with "shotty a UEU in the balls" haha! The following fight with the Bezun was intense, it kind of just came out of nowhere. I wasn't expecting that at all.
I like how even though the Paragons are these big tough supersoldiers, you still show their weaknesses. Deo's struggle with handling the Bezun was great. I was like GET OFF HIM YOU STUPID ANIMAL! I felt his struggle and anger and it hyped me.
"If you want to starve, be my guest lady cipher" burned haha. Those two really don't like each other do they?
Oh god, you had me going at the start there thinking Deo was hunting the UEU! But naughty Deo, killing an endangered species. Tsk tsk :P Boone with "shotty a UEU in the balls" haha! The following fight with the Bezun was intense, it kind of just came out of nowhere. I wasn't expecting that at all.
I like how even though the Paragons are these big tough supersoldiers, you still show their weaknesses. Deo's struggle with handling the Bezun was great. I was like GET OFF HIM YOU STUPID ANIMAL! I felt his struggle and anger and it hyped me.
"If you want to starve, be my guest lady cipher" burned haha. Those two really don't like each other do they?
8/4/2013 c13 
4AnabellaHunter13
I would keep it on FictionPress for awhile. Unfortunately, the likelihood of Dimension being found by many is slim. Polish it for as long as possible, and maybe it will be discovered.
As for the chapter: I really liked the description of the dream. I fear for the future of the characters and for Olympus. I am left wondering what Kiya knows of Deo's father's death. And how Deo would react if he know Kiya knew something. Fantastic chapter.
4AnabellaHunter13I would keep it on FictionPress for awhile. Unfortunately, the likelihood of Dimension being found by many is slim. Polish it for as long as possible, and maybe it will be discovered.
As for the chapter: I really liked the description of the dream. I fear for the future of the characters and for Olympus. I am left wondering what Kiya knows of Deo's father's death. And how Deo would react if he know Kiya knew something. Fantastic chapter.
8/3/2013 c10 Gemma Sundry
The info about the weapons was over my head, but that's just because I don't know anything about weapons :P I sense that this is going to get very action packed later on, with all the details on their weapons. Can't wait! I'm still also liking Rockland, he seems very real and human, and I like how you took us into his mind here. It is kinda weird how the faction that's more into nature is actually more advanced than the faction that is more into technology XD I like that you acknowledged that and pointed out its irony.
The info about the weapons was over my head, but that's just because I don't know anything about weapons :P I sense that this is going to get very action packed later on, with all the details on their weapons. Can't wait! I'm still also liking Rockland, he seems very real and human, and I like how you took us into his mind here. It is kinda weird how the faction that's more into nature is actually more advanced than the faction that is more into technology XD I like that you acknowledged that and pointed out its irony.
8/2/2013 c13 Thomas Saboy
This chapter to this day still gives me chills beyond belief. You've done a supreme job in creating maybe the most terrifying fictional nightmare ever. Along with that the immediate threat of the world around them exploding just makes this chapter amazing! :)
This chapter to this day still gives me chills beyond belief. You've done a supreme job in creating maybe the most terrifying fictional nightmare ever. Along with that the immediate threat of the world around them exploding just makes this chapter amazing! :)
7/30/2013 c12 J. Mercer
Uhhhh, shut up, Kiya! I hope they run out of food so Deo can prepare YOU for dinner next!
I like the description of Deo butchering the Canterpaw. It was interesting in an oblique way until it came back to that hippy, Kiya, and her tree-hugging shamanism.
I still have a hard time with their relationship after seven years together in that ship. It feels like they got thrown together just a few weeks ago.
I'd like to see Boone given a more personal feel, since I think it would round him out better. Sure, he talks to Kiya - but his entire character is still wrapped up in her. I'm hoping he'll break out at some point, because he's just a the goofy little brother for now. There's potential there.
I'm not sure about that blurted out question of Boone's after Kiya admits being an acolyte too him. I can't decide if it works just right or if it's too off to make sense. Your conscience be your guide.
You'd think these Paragons would know more about themselves. They almost come off like children in this scene, and I wonder if that's intentional.
I'm starting to hope the UEU wins ...
I was a little late with this read. Apologies, my star warrior.
Uhhhh, shut up, Kiya! I hope they run out of food so Deo can prepare YOU for dinner next!
I like the description of Deo butchering the Canterpaw. It was interesting in an oblique way until it came back to that hippy, Kiya, and her tree-hugging shamanism.
I still have a hard time with their relationship after seven years together in that ship. It feels like they got thrown together just a few weeks ago.
I'd like to see Boone given a more personal feel, since I think it would round him out better. Sure, he talks to Kiya - but his entire character is still wrapped up in her. I'm hoping he'll break out at some point, because he's just a the goofy little brother for now. There's potential there.
I'm not sure about that blurted out question of Boone's after Kiya admits being an acolyte too him. I can't decide if it works just right or if it's too off to make sense. Your conscience be your guide.
You'd think these Paragons would know more about themselves. They almost come off like children in this scene, and I wonder if that's intentional.
I'm starting to hope the UEU wins ...
I was a little late with this read. Apologies, my star warrior.
7/29/2013 c12 WellywoodR
A gorgeously crafted chapter, filling in gaps with luscious information, yet it's all entertaining to read because of the dialogue set up. I was really enthralled, and this chapter wizzed by for me.
With Deo skinning the Canterpaw, that was well done. You didn't get overly graphic, which could be seen as both a good or bad thing, but it was a nice survivalists touch. And the whole thing with him and Kiya, that was great lmao! I certainly wasn't expecting Deo to attempt to appeal to her culture and religion, but you spun it with comedy and it just melded perfectly. The story is deep and touches on serious subjects that we face today, yet there is humour and light here, which is welcoming.
Slowly, this world these characters live in is unfolding, and I'm loving every bit of it.
The connection between Boone and Kiya was again present here, giving us even more understanding of how their contrasting personalities form friendship.
The knowledge about the Ciphers and Paragons was interesting, yet I still want to know more about what role the Paragons fill in this universe? Did you intentionally make their definition vague as to reveal later, or is that something you could make clearer? I'm getting a sort of jedi-ish impression, mixed with greek spartans, archangels, and terminators XD
It's strange to think that we only use a fraction of our brain power. Why not use it all? What's the rest for? Kiya bringing that up sparked a fascination on the topic for me.
The topic of humanity overpowering nature is thought-provoking. A miracle or a flaw, indeed. But as Kiya said, "Nature is not always explainable."
Also, I'm curious as to the significance of the earthquake. You tend to leave foreshadowing hints in your writing, so my eyes and ears are pricked lmao!
And yes, we are taken back to the issue of Deo's cooking at the end here XD I would laugh if you wrote a sub-plot where he is being taught how to cook properly!
Great work, you keep growing and improving, so keep it up!
A gorgeously crafted chapter, filling in gaps with luscious information, yet it's all entertaining to read because of the dialogue set up. I was really enthralled, and this chapter wizzed by for me.
With Deo skinning the Canterpaw, that was well done. You didn't get overly graphic, which could be seen as both a good or bad thing, but it was a nice survivalists touch. And the whole thing with him and Kiya, that was great lmao! I certainly wasn't expecting Deo to attempt to appeal to her culture and religion, but you spun it with comedy and it just melded perfectly. The story is deep and touches on serious subjects that we face today, yet there is humour and light here, which is welcoming.
Slowly, this world these characters live in is unfolding, and I'm loving every bit of it.
The connection between Boone and Kiya was again present here, giving us even more understanding of how their contrasting personalities form friendship.
The knowledge about the Ciphers and Paragons was interesting, yet I still want to know more about what role the Paragons fill in this universe? Did you intentionally make their definition vague as to reveal later, or is that something you could make clearer? I'm getting a sort of jedi-ish impression, mixed with greek spartans, archangels, and terminators XD
It's strange to think that we only use a fraction of our brain power. Why not use it all? What's the rest for? Kiya bringing that up sparked a fascination on the topic for me.
The topic of humanity overpowering nature is thought-provoking. A miracle or a flaw, indeed. But as Kiya said, "Nature is not always explainable."
Also, I'm curious as to the significance of the earthquake. You tend to leave foreshadowing hints in your writing, so my eyes and ears are pricked lmao!
And yes, we are taken back to the issue of Deo's cooking at the end here XD I would laugh if you wrote a sub-plot where he is being taught how to cook properly!
Great work, you keep growing and improving, so keep it up!
7/27/2013 c12 2KTF
I really liked this chapter. It's probably my favorite so far, just because of the intimacy of the subject matter :) The information about the Ciphers and Paragons was very comprehensive, and I liked that you used dialogue to provide the information. (I remember in a few of my reviews mentioning the amount of description, despite it being necessary) It felt more natural than descriptions in the past, and being able to relate to the characters is becoming easier. This chapter was a little longer than some of the past chapters, but I still stand by my suggestion from my previous review for the last chapter that I might combine that one with this one.
Anyway, this is the last time I will bring up the subject of descriptions, promise. I feel like I dwell on that topic too much in my reviews haha. But I try to be more critical of the subject matter from the standpoint of a casual reader, and not look so much at the style of writing (since that's different for every writer) or anything technical like wording, spelling, etc. I hope that is at least helpful!
2KTFI really liked this chapter. It's probably my favorite so far, just because of the intimacy of the subject matter :) The information about the Ciphers and Paragons was very comprehensive, and I liked that you used dialogue to provide the information. (I remember in a few of my reviews mentioning the amount of description, despite it being necessary) It felt more natural than descriptions in the past, and being able to relate to the characters is becoming easier. This chapter was a little longer than some of the past chapters, but I still stand by my suggestion from my previous review for the last chapter that I might combine that one with this one.
Anyway, this is the last time I will bring up the subject of descriptions, promise. I feel like I dwell on that topic too much in my reviews haha. But I try to be more critical of the subject matter from the standpoint of a casual reader, and not look so much at the style of writing (since that's different for every writer) or anything technical like wording, spelling, etc. I hope that is at least helpful!
7/26/2013 c12 Thomas Saboy
Awesome job bringing a calm, character driven moment in all the chaos. I also love how you brought everyone together and had some nice campy moments around the fire. Keep up the amazing work!
Awesome job bringing a calm, character driven moment in all the chaos. I also love how you brought everyone together and had some nice campy moments around the fire. Keep up the amazing work!