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for Bang the Doldrums

6/24/2013 c1 wisedec4u
I really liked reading this. I found it very relatable, innocent and sweet. I liked how you conveyed the your feelings about your unrequited crush. Who hasn't felt crushed when they find out their feeling aren't reciprocated by the object of their affection. And young first love, is always so appealing because it makes us all reminisce about our first loves. I also liked how you described the open area around the house. You gave a wide, whimsical feel. Too bad you couldn't enjoy it, know the boy you had crush to didn't see it the same way. Well done!
5/22/2013 c1 Shall We Continue
Oh my... This one really got to me, as I currently have a dizzy crush on a boy two years older than me. I know the feeling of just wanting to stay in that perfect moment forever.
I think it would be interesting if you told just a few little things about exactly what endeared him to your narrator. It doesn't have to be anything excessive, the dimples are a good example, but maybe making it a bit more than just implied.
Overall I really liked it, even with the saddish ending, which usually ruins stories for me, but you handled it well. Excellent work.
5/21/2013 c1 13GossamerSilverglow
“We were the reigning monarchs of summer.” What an awesome first line! Honestly it really sets everything up perfectly.

“…house for thirty minutes at thirteen years old.” Why is this character only allowed out of the house for thirty minutes? Is there abuse in this?

I really love the way you described this new character and the way he absorbed the hug that was given like a leech. The way you describe how they sit together really helps illustrate the relationship the two have. It shows how comfortable they are together.

“He wanted to be an assassin.” I could totally see this guy being a wannabe assassin with the hints you dropped about him leaching from the hug and the sinister smirk he’d been practicing for five years.
“He is immortalized in every oak tree, every dimpled smile, every fake Scottish accent, and every single black-haired boy I see. He's everywhere. He's my summer.”

What a magnificent ending, it completely overshadows the awesome beginning too. I absolutely love this, it even made me a little teary eyed. There should be a sequel where she finds him, but I think if there was a sequel this story wouldn’t be the bittersweet impact it is. Great job and thanks so much for taking the time to write and share it!
5/21/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
I think you have a lot of really great concepts going on here. Your opening line was just perfection. It set the stage, but you also implored a lit of bittersweet subtlety with it as well which I really enjoyed. I really lived the parallel of the assassin vs. King Arthur. I loved the layering effect of how she saw him mirroring with how he saw himself. Really great work overall. I do think you could have expanded in a lot of this and added length because I was enjoying it so much that I did not want it to end. Keep up the good work.

Much love
5/20/2013 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
I'm sorry if this review comes out completely unreadable because i'm kinda drunk right now. Feel free to ask me to clarify about anything. :)

You know when I was growing up I had this friend that was like a brother to me, so I can really relate to the content of this story on a personal level. And I really like that, because I feel like a lot of people can probably get that sort of connection, too. I haven't seen him in forever, and I sometimes think of him and wonder where he is. My relationship with my friend wasn't a crush, though, it was more like a brother/sister thing, but I can still relate and understand what the narrator is feeling. And I like how relatable she is because i feel like I can put myself in her shoes really easily.

I also like some of the images you provoke, like the smile in the beginning and where they're lying on the hill later on with the fireflies. I think they create some really nice concrete, specific images that really put me in the moment and help me picture what's going on. There's also a lot of emotion in the subtext, which I really like. And I think you handle the mention of the narrator crying really well without it coming off as being sentimental.

I like the relationship between these two characters because it feels so real and personal. Although this is a rather short story, I feel like I learn a lot about them regardless. Which I think is mostly thanks to the subtext.
5/20/2013 c1 lifeisabook
Terrific imagery, and wonderfully balanced dramatics. Very few grammar/spelling mistakes that I noticed, which is kind of incredible 'cause I'm a grammar hawk. This is really great. Keep up the great work!


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