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for Oh Anton

6/16/2013 c1 76The Autumn Queen
I like how that first line just rushes out without pause or even a capital letter to signify it's the start of something; it really gets me into the poem, as if I've been in there for awhile, sliding down a water slide or something like that. And I like how that continues in the third line, and then later on in the second half of the poem, as it seems to set the pace for the poem and highlight the sense of ink gushing out and all it represents.

The second line, "those sounds spilling" seems unnecessary, as you've got the image of that from the first sentence and this becomes a weak inneration. I think you could have worked "spilling" into the third line, and then the second line wouldn't be necessary at all. At the moment, it seems to be hindering the fast tumbling pace of the first line; it's tripping me up a little. I think the same, just less pronounced, of the line "unleash the metaphor".

Interesting imagery with the dove there; a lot of different imageries thanks to its context, partially the childhood innocence, partially something of a larger purity, partially an omen and partially something I can't seem to put my finger on. Funny how one word can sometimes have that sort of effect.

[burring ] - did you mean burying there, because I'm not really sure how burring fits in the context.
6/7/2013 c1 387tolerate
The first line started off the poem in a fast pace and soon it gave me the imagery of black sound (that looked like ink) spilling out of someone's mouth. It was like a sponge that contained too much liquid and eventually overflowed. 'The gauze of your expression in the unbearable summer heat' made me think of how thin one's face is, like some people might have facades, but this one is a see-through one. Summer heat comes with the sun, of course, so it's like sunlight shining on their face and you can see who or what they are within. The previously mentioned spilling out of sounds, like ink, gives off the impression that the expression of someone is like a clear bottle and there is a hole in it. It's all spilling out.

The way you arranged the words in stanza two gave it a good rhythm, like it had a melody of its own. The person's hand in yours isn't an escape (because you mentioned flightless, but also 'prophetic dove' which gave me the feeling of assurance and confidence). It's more of stabilizing and wanting something.

'peels verse from my mind before I think of its conjecture'. It's a strong feeling of wanting to make it happen quickly even before it happens, like trying to solve a crime that hasn't been committed yet. It all happens quickly, and the subsequent lines also follow and emphasize that thought. It becomes a want to stop and prevent what's going to happen before everything becomes unreal and closes that door on you. The mood of the poem slowly sinks into a panicky scared mood (the mentions of tremble),

and there is another mention of quick. But this time it's not spoken in a fast pace. It's a weak and soft 'quick'. A little bit of worry. I like the repetition of 'those sounds' in the last two stanzas but I'm not sure you really meant 'burring'. I thought that maybe you meant 'burying' because that makes more sense, though I might be wrong.

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