Just In
for Wyatt

8/21/2013 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
Interesting story, and I think you build well on the sort of feelings on unrequited love. However, I do think the ending is a little unclear; what makes her so certain he doesn’t see her as ‘important’? I get how she’s feeling, but I think you could show other things as well to give the reader a stronger indication, one way or another, of how he felt.
6/6/2013 c1 90Timbo Slice
I thought this was a very sentimental piece, as it seems like its the small things in the characters lives that were the most important in the end. I also liked how it you included the specific moments of nostalgia, making them more relatable to readers (stoners like meeeeh). This also seems like a very personal piece, like your recounting your experiences and emotions, which is why the writing feels so fresh. Good job!
6/5/2013 c1 9boona
Hello this is a pretty enjoyable read for a one shot. I felt bad for the narrator of the story because he/she thought they were important to the other person. The flow felt sort of like poetry style to me which wasn't bad, but at the same time I was asking my self is this a story or a poem in disguise? If this sounds like I'm being rude sorry. Now back to the review what did you want to edit? You have good characterization which made it easy to connect to. The flow was good despite my earlier comment, and the ending was good as well. If anything I didn't get it was the last two words but I am trying because I want to know what they mean.
6/5/2013 c1 12Skye Hawthorne
I loved how you have the main character both love and hate Wyatt at the same time. As in the sentence, "Oh, boy, I loved you and your slimy heart right from the beginning." There have been people that I have continued to like no matter how much I hate them. A little off topic, but I like to say Schnauzer too.

I thought it felt a bit sudden when it was like "And then you disappeared". I know it was meant to bring up the suddenness of life, but it still felt a little too fast for me. It was like the plot jumped the tracks and changed directions too fast.

But I liked it a lot. You are great at evoking feelings in the reader, a skill that is hard to get. Good job.
6/5/2013 c1 9Highway Unicorn
Howdy Howdy Howdy! :DDD

Oh man, this was great. :D Just. Damn.

First, great opening there. [Oh, boy, I loved you and your slimy heart right from the beginning.] Ah, that sets the voice perfectly, obviously hinting at a love-hate relationship. It ties into the rest of the story nicely. :3

I liked the normal daily routine of the two characters; it was simple, believable. They were just two people passing time together, even if one had stronger feelings then the other.

[And I fell for it.] This is pretty much were I figured/affirmed that things didn't turn out so nicely for the narrator in regards to the friendship. It's a good line to have, to help affirm these sort of things for the readers.

[Minor character...] To me, that's such a blow to the self-esteem/emotions when realization of it's meaning hits ya. I mean, I totally get how somebody can *ignore* such things, you know, not realize that when somebody says something bad, they mean it, especially when emotions like that are invovled. (I guess a person becomes rather naive in a sense when dealing with these emotions). And then after everything is said and done, and the only thing a person is left to do is think back to what went wrong, things like "minor character" are one of those "OHHHHH" moments, and usually they hurt. But it's good that you added that to this piece.

[Schnauzer] I feel dumb now because I don't know what this is referring to DX I know that it is a type of dog breed buttttttt, I don't think that is what was meant in the letter. ;-;

Anywhos, this was really good. :D I rather enjoyed it a lot. I'm a sucker for endings that aren't so...happy. I wish you luck in the WCC! :DDDD
6/5/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
I immediately loved the strange connection that you created between these two "lovers" (there were hints of that, but it was never SAID) I liked your description of "slimy heart" because I think it hints passively that the narrator always knew that Wyatt would break hearts. I also liked the description of "oily skin" I liked it because it alters from the normal language used in a "love story" such as this. Creating story and capturing characters in under 2k words is soooo hard but I think you captured a strong framework here and your creative choices were strong. Both beginning and ending were top notch, but I would suggest cleaning up the edges of the center section just a bit to tighten all those plot hooks up.

6/3/2013 c1 1snaggled
A very interesting piece indeed! You can really feel the love and resentment of the narrator coming from almost every paragraph, so props on your excellent choice of words and style!
This is one of those pieces which would really benefit from a little extra padding; if you allowed the reader to spend just a little longer in each of these moments, maybe having the narrator reflect just a little more on their memories, then it would give it that little extra boost into a very immerse piece.

Both the opening and ending to this are also very well written and chosen, with the opening having just the right amount of intrigue to hook the reader into wanting to read on, and the final little bit- discovering what was written inside the note- leaving the reader satisfied and resolved. In short, a nice little set of bookends for your story.

Hope this helped!
6/2/2013 c1 28Nitzer
I hope you'll take this as a compliment (because it really is) this reminded me so much of John Green and feels so human and real.
6/2/2013 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
I really like your first sentence because I think it sets the narrator's tone for the rest of the story. There's obviously anger and love from the very beginning, and I think you keep that tone throughout the entire story, really driving home that complicated mixture of emotions with the ending. The second sentence, however, I'm not sure if it really fits into the story. You mention how Wyatt would get mad if someone did something as minor as mispronounce the narrator's name, but you never really show an example of that and how protective he might be over her. So I think maybe taking that sentence out or following through with showing an example might be something to consider.

Also, while I feel like this is a wonderful first draft, I think if you slowed down and stayed in each moment and memory a little longer it would make this more immersive. The pacing is rather fast, and that's fine if that's what you intended, but I feel like this story is over before I really get a feel for the narrator or Wyatt. I know this is WCC and there's a 2k word limit, but that's just something to keep in mind if you intend to do something more with this after WCC is over. I think the average length for a published short story is between 3.5k - 5k or something, I dunno. Not that yours has to be within that limit or anything, but I feel like some more flesh and meat in each scene will help give the story more depth, because we'll see more of why Wyatt is so important to the narrator. There's not even any mention of the beach until near the end of the story, so following through with a lot of these details and planting seeds earlier on before you bring them up and go more in depth with them later on will make everything more fulfilling.

I really like that image of the narrator and Wyatt lying on the grass and smoking pot. I think their characters really shine when I see examples of when they're together, and the image of their words twirling around each other is really cool. Not to mention that thing about the schnauzer - that's a great example of planting a seed of their relationship early on in the story so that when it comes back again it leaves a greater impact. I really like how the ending ties back into their pot smoking sessions. I also like that you didn't kill Wyatt off, because my first thought was "dead?" too, but I'm glad you didn't take that route because then there would be all sorts of sentimentality and all that stuff. It's just nice to see you broke away from what I expected and took the story in a different direction.

Good luck in WCC!
6/2/2013 c1 Arette
Short, but so elegant and sad... Loved it!

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service