for What Dreams May Come3/16/2014 c1 
9Highway Unicorn
[...who were laying on {a} sandy ground looking up at {a} blue sky...] [this was a{n} usual summer day {*remove* when living} in Tipa.]
[In Tipa the autumn and spring were hot during the day{,} yet freezing at nighttime,] ... [{winter was freezing even though if it's was morning time}.] This doesn't make sense.
[This orphanage {was} named Chematic.]
[The oldest among the twins was Chase making Claire the younger twin.] I really don't see the need for this statement. It's out of place and doesn't serve the plot as of now.
[For starters let's tell a little about the twins before starting the story. You see Claire has long red hair that reaches floor of ground below but her hair is always either up into a loose messy bun or into two pigtails. Her eyes were green as leaves from a tree. Now, her brother, Chase had same hair and eye color except his hair had a mind of its own since no matter how hard he tries to comb his hair into variety of hairstyles it always seems to defy the law of gravity making his strands of hair sticking out from every direction.] Cut this out. It's unneeded information. Don't tell; show. If there are important character features that *need* to be addressed, then weave it in creatively into the story; just don't tell it to the audience.
[...and it {is} said there were orphans who lived there {and had} been abused {by the owners}.]
[however everyone has forgotten all about ] If everybody has forgotten about the orphanage and the children then who are the people who say the tale to begin with? Earlier in the paragraph, you stated: [said there were orphans who lived there], which implies that there are people who do in fact know of these kids. Instead of saying everybody forgotten all about them, say that most people forgot, implying that there are some who still know.
I'm not going to list out any more grammar errors because there's a lot and it would take me a long time to list them all out. That would be something I didn't like about this chapter/piece. There's a ton of mistakes in here and it makes it hard for the reader to connect to the story.
I like the idea of the orphanage. It sets up a nice background for this story and keep the plot interesting. :)
9Highway Unicorn[...who were laying on {a} sandy ground looking up at {a} blue sky...] [this was a{n} usual summer day {*remove* when living} in Tipa.]
[In Tipa the autumn and spring were hot during the day{,} yet freezing at nighttime,] ... [{winter was freezing even though if it's was morning time}.] This doesn't make sense.
[This orphanage {was} named Chematic.]
[The oldest among the twins was Chase making Claire the younger twin.] I really don't see the need for this statement. It's out of place and doesn't serve the plot as of now.
[For starters let's tell a little about the twins before starting the story. You see Claire has long red hair that reaches floor of ground below but her hair is always either up into a loose messy bun or into two pigtails. Her eyes were green as leaves from a tree. Now, her brother, Chase had same hair and eye color except his hair had a mind of its own since no matter how hard he tries to comb his hair into variety of hairstyles it always seems to defy the law of gravity making his strands of hair sticking out from every direction.] Cut this out. It's unneeded information. Don't tell; show. If there are important character features that *need* to be addressed, then weave it in creatively into the story; just don't tell it to the audience.
[...and it {is} said there were orphans who lived there {and had} been abused {by the owners}.]
[however everyone has forgotten all about ] If everybody has forgotten about the orphanage and the children then who are the people who say the tale to begin with? Earlier in the paragraph, you stated: [said there were orphans who lived there], which implies that there are people who do in fact know of these kids. Instead of saying everybody forgotten all about them, say that most people forgot, implying that there are some who still know.
I'm not going to list out any more grammar errors because there's a lot and it would take me a long time to list them all out. That would be something I didn't like about this chapter/piece. There's a ton of mistakes in here and it makes it hard for the reader to connect to the story.
I like the idea of the orphanage. It sets up a nice background for this story and keep the plot interesting. :)
3/16/2014 c1 20Ventracere
Alright, I think you have something decent going on for you, but watch your beginning. Your opener is a little long, and I think it reads a little like a run on sentence. I know you're trying to explain what the place is like - hahah, I have the exact same problem - but that might not be the most interesting hook for your readers. You already have a relatively long chapter, and one way to pull readers in is to bring out a short pithy statement - or a sentence is filled with a bang.
Another note, I think while you were aiming for something fun and amusing, repeating the "no," "But-" portion five times over was a little bit of overkill. Funny yes, but it got a little too redundant, good technique though! Same thing with the part where you went on with the "no!" "Yes!" for a little bit. Make sure you're not over applying the bathos when you're going for the "But I love you!" portion. A little too much would make it toe the line of reality.
You also have a few mistakes here and there, where I think a quick proofreading would catch them. They are spelled correctly like "why is he so tick off?" where it should be ticked instead of tick.
20VentracereAlright, I think you have something decent going on for you, but watch your beginning. Your opener is a little long, and I think it reads a little like a run on sentence. I know you're trying to explain what the place is like - hahah, I have the exact same problem - but that might not be the most interesting hook for your readers. You already have a relatively long chapter, and one way to pull readers in is to bring out a short pithy statement - or a sentence is filled with a bang.
Another note, I think while you were aiming for something fun and amusing, repeating the "no," "But-" portion five times over was a little bit of overkill. Funny yes, but it got a little too redundant, good technique though! Same thing with the part where you went on with the "no!" "Yes!" for a little bit. Make sure you're not over applying the bathos when you're going for the "But I love you!" portion. A little too much would make it toe the line of reality.
You also have a few mistakes here and there, where I think a quick proofreading would catch them. They are spelled correctly like "why is he so tick off?" where it should be ticked instead of tick.
7/4/2013 c2 13alltheeagles
Ok, things are progressing fast. And a whole lot of new characters! Phew... that's quite taxing on the poor 'ol brain. Wait... *Confused look* What happened to Cecil? I kind of like Chase a little right now, I have a soft spot for clueless guys. :D
Not sure which direction you're taking this story in, but I trust that the plot will get more focused as you continue writing. Check out "A Trap of Strings" and "I don't break the rules" (links on my profile) - I have a feeling you'll find them to your taste.
13alltheeaglesOk, things are progressing fast. And a whole lot of new characters! Phew... that's quite taxing on the poor 'ol brain. Wait... *Confused look* What happened to Cecil? I kind of like Chase a little right now, I have a soft spot for clueless guys. :D
Not sure which direction you're taking this story in, but I trust that the plot will get more focused as you continue writing. Check out "A Trap of Strings" and "I don't break the rules" (links on my profile) - I have a feeling you'll find them to your taste.
7/4/2013 c1 alltheeagles
The story is interesting, but there's just way too much going on, which might turn some people off reading more of it. Maybe you could slow down a little on the relationships and do one pairing at a time. The dialogue is quite natural, but the chains of Yes-No exchanges were a bit much. Anyway, it was entertaining and very true to the description of yourself on your profile.
The story is interesting, but there's just way too much going on, which might turn some people off reading more of it. Maybe you could slow down a little on the relationships and do one pairing at a time. The dialogue is quite natural, but the chains of Yes-No exchanges were a bit much. Anyway, it was entertaining and very true to the description of yourself on your profile.
6/10/2013 c2 Funni Neko
Hey good chapter keep up the good work. Those Soilder were creeps! they got what they deserved
Hey good chapter keep up the good work. Those Soilder were creeps! they got what they deserved
6/6/2013 c1 Funni Neko
Interesting story I really enjoyed reading it. I think it was good but you should fine beta to do grammar edits
Interesting story I really enjoyed reading it. I think it was good but you should fine beta to do grammar edits
6/6/2013 c1 Bookworm
I really like your story it was interesting can't wait for next chapter
I really like your story it was interesting can't wait for next chapter