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for Daddy's Little Girl

9/6/2013 c2 1Writy
Hi,

Well, after reading those two chapters, I have one main question: When and where are we? I wasn’t too careful, and I actually read the first chapter before the prologue which lead me to believe that this was something post-apocalyptical (where hitting children is more common, especially if they slow you down on the road).

I have to say, this is a cruel story for the reader… My primary incentive to read the prologue even though I had read the first chapter was that I wanted to see a glimpse of hope that Gracie will be, ok. Too bad, my guess would now be that this is a very dark story that ends with either her growing up to live a miserable life, or her dying an orphan or something. But you keep reading because you WANT things to be better for her. Well, this is probably my paternal instinct but… poor girl. I have to say that you did a good job with that, there are some stories that are about miserable children where I sigh and just roll my eyes (especially movies).

I was a little thrown off by the way you narrate the story at first, but you get used to it. I am not sure this would be the best choice if you actually want to publish it as a novel, though, but I am not the best counsellor when it comes to writing books, haha!

Anyway, courage, writing a novel requires a lot of stamina.
8/29/2013 c2 13Dark.Silver.Flower
Wow, I'm so glad you decided to add a second chapter to this story. I liked the break from the darkness of the plot when Gracie meets Bo. It's rather bittersweet. Once again, I like the vulgate in which this story is written and I feel that it helps the reader develop a better understand of the dynamic between Gracie and her family as well as between Gracie and Bo.
One thing I didn't get, though, was Garcie's thoughts about whether or not she has a back door to her house, but maybe I just missed something.
I enjoyed it!
Alyssa
6/17/2013 c1 4lookingwest
Real quick - that last line last clause feels tacked on, especially because you have "Daddy" capitalized in the line above it, but not in that clause. I think it might read better and not as repetitious with the above one if it was like this: "She don't know where they're goin', but she trusts 'im." Or even "'em" maybe if you also wanted to include trusting Ori, which might make sense. I think that gives the last line a stronger punch cadence-wise.

I've always thought these Gracie vignettes have been some of your strongest in narrative voice, and I'm very curious to see if this will work as a longer planned novel. One of the things I'm worried about is that the dialect might wear down on the reader because it is so slang-centered. You've always done an excellent job with it, however, so I think you have a strong case for this working in a novel, and I'd love starting the journey with you review-wise on a chaptered story more than just a few chapters long, so keep going, for sure!

This is very similar to the opening of "Gracie", if I remember correctly, although I remember perhaps there was a little more resistance and confrontation between Gracie and Gage in the last section that I don't see here this time - but maybe I'm also just imagining things. The narrative feels like it gets a little thin right there at the end regarding Gracie's actual perspective - it becomes more straightforward with only dialogue and action queues, save for the last line, and perhaps feeling a little more inward tension there with Gracie would be cool, but honestly I think we might see that as the story continues into the second chapter, so I'm interested to see where you'll go from here. Especially if you'll skip far ahead into their futures, or if you'll stay close to a narrative timeline. Lots of speculations!

Per usual, I liked the rhythm of Gracie's narrative voice and I think you have some nice poetic moments, especially with the "beating hammer" line with the heart, and also the entire bit regarding princesses and how that makes Gracie feel different in some ways because she doesn't relate to them. It's interesting that her life is so sheltered away from other children her age too, and since they're leaving home here, I also get this sense like Gracie's own perspective on life is about to really expand, so I really liked that feeling!
6/14/2013 c1 13Dark.Silver.Flower
I think this is a very powerful story, especially because of the diction used in the vulgate. It works in third person, although I feel you may have been able to better play off of Gracie's innocence in the first person. It's short, dark, and somewhat disturbing, but I found it very intriguing. The POV of a child is always interesting because it always shows, rather than tells, the story (she recounts the events and the reader puts its together). I like it. I don't know if this should be an extensive story, but it deserves a few more chapters. Keep writing!
6/9/2013 c1 Guest
I really liked this, it was ambiguous. I hope you continue. :)
6/8/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
I think that you immediately made Gracie a sympathetic figure here, which helped the overall story. Her anti-princess attitude and the fact that is disobeying the rules and waiting up for her father are both strong factors in her characterization. You can’t help but feel for this little girl, and I think you did a good job planting hints about the rest of the characters through the eyes of a child. The reader can tell that her father, and even Uncle Ori are not what they appear or may seem to be, and something dark is lurking under the surface. As to the style of the narration: I thought you handled the ‘itchin’’ and ‘bitin’’ well, it’s really hard to maintain that kind of focus and control when you write but I think you did a great job handling it here.

I do think that the chapter felt short. You spent a lot of time on the build up, and introducing your cast, but I feel like it ended on a flat note. I care for the characters, but I’m not sure if I were reading this in a paper form book I would have enough hook right now to keep going. Keep up the good work. Update soon.

Juliet.

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