Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Too Far Gone

7/20/2014 c2 11Tenacious Archangel
There's something so nonchalantly delightful about the sentence "He had to admit those 'demons' did look dodgy." I don't know. It's just so casual. Also a bit strange we get Alex questionng the good intentions of demons before freaking out about being dead. I mean, kinda relaxed about the demon monsters, huh?

Is Charon a real name? I don't want to google this, I just want to know if there are real people named Charon still left in the world. Or if there ever were any to begin with. Gabrielle is just like 'Holy hell you're the ferryman of the afterlife' immediately and right away and I kind of laughed at that. Then again, if you were just attacked by demons, you'd be leaping to expectations too.

I had a sort of pausing moment when I recalled I didn't recall if the location we were in was described yet. At all. (it may have been and I just sort of missed it. That happens.) So when we hear the place isn't as 'dark as thought' I was confused since I was imaging it as being dark. So what is it then? A white haze? Is there even a floor.

I wasn't nearly as bothered this chapter by missing commas or any other grammar things, meaning it's either better or I'm becoming immune to pain. Only time will tell.
7/20/2014 c1 Tenacious Archangel
Alright, I have this to say: I wish this site let me work on the review as I was reading. I know it sounds a bit weird, but wow, it would help me order my thoughts in a more relevent manner. Oh well.

As I read through, I came to notice you don't use as many commas as I feel you should. Then again, maybe it's personal taste. But still, there's a lot of sentences that are just *long* and cover too many thoughts in a single breath. If I could copy paste, I'd be able to bring you a few examples. Still, I can't really stop here and screech about how AWFUL it is that you don't have as many commas as I'd prefer. God knows I hate intensive proofreading, and even when I do, I always miss things.

There's some sentence and paragraph word repetition, including one very odd example-
"Though her intentions were good Gabrielle forgot about the bite on her calf in her relief to see Alexander and as soon as she put weight on her right leg to walk towards Alex, Gabrielle collapsed."
Here we get that long sort of comma-less sentence I was speaking of earlier, as well as Alex getting called two different names in the sentence. And Gabrielle's name is also repeated, when you probably could have stuck to just a 'she' in this scenario.

other notes:
-Also, about Gabrielle's appearance- I mean, C-cup isn't small. Like. It's maybe a bit above average I want to say? So that kind of struck me when I was reading.
-When Gabrielle first sees Alex, she describes his hair, including the point in the front. Then we learn he wasn't facing her.
-That area of paragraphs also has Alex's body be described as maybe good for sports, and then the next sentences sort of repeats the idea with slightly more detail. It reads sort of weird.

UH. I don't mean to like gargle insults or anything towards you here. It's just easier to point out problems than boons ya know. I quite like how we just sort of leap into the scene. At first I wasn't sure about it- it doesn't read much like an opening, more like the middle of the story, but I think it's a fine beginning. I also enjoyed that you kept the descriptors pretty brief. That's more of a personal preference for me, but it's nice to see these details get hammered out short and sweet.
Oh, I also like how vague everything is. Make me hopeful about the next chapter, when this weird fighting is over and we can start to explore.

e_e
bye
7/6/2014 c2 7heatheatheat
For your title issues- Since you meant the title to actually be 'To Far Gone', I would leave it that way and put a note at the end of your story summary saying something like that is supposed to be the name of the story and that all of your readers will get it eventually.

Problems (by paragraph):
1 - I'm not a big fan of the word 'generally' being used to describe how the strange man looks like a giant, nor am I happy with his 'shape' being described as a giant. I think the reader can understand that he is huge based on his height being eight feet.
2 - In your first set of quotation marks, you forgot to capitalize the W in 'who'. Here, you being writing the man as 'man', which I am not too fond of. Maybe refer to him as a giant instead- until he shrinks to a less intimidating size and introduces himself. As far as discussing his shrinking to a 'human size', there are humans aka basketball players that are over seven feet tall. I would suggest changing this to a size such as six foot five inches or something like that since you mentioned he was eight feet before.
3 - There should be a comma before the word 'but' in the first and third sentences. In the third sentence, I would also change that her leg began to burn once more to something that describes it as a feeling, like it felt like it was burning. I would eliminate the 'and' in the last sentence and create a new one describing how she held onto Alex.
4 - When you say "..Gabby had broken her leg and the bone was sticking out the side of her leg she never cried." it sounds a bit repetitive. I would just change it to "..Gabby had broken her leg and the bone was sticking out, she didn't cry." After 'golf', I would end the sentence and begin a new one with 'she'. Again, I would put a comma before 'but' in the last sentence.
7 - I believe you meant that she was wiping away the ooze from the wound, not would. I would put a comma before 'the skin had healed over the deep wounds'. Also, I would just eliminate 'the deep wounds' from the end of that sentence- it makes it sound too repetitive.
8 - A comma should go after 'pain' in the first sentence. I really like commas, they are a good way to insert a pause in the sentence. I would eliminate the word 'and' from this sentence after Alex and create a new one- 'As he was about to to apologize, Gabrielle spoke up.' Please check for areas in your writing where commas are needed for pauses. I am finding many of these errors. Here, I would mention how Gabrielle knows so much about Greek mythology. Like maybe she took a course, such as Humanities, where she learned this information. Or maybe she was just a geek about it. If you didn't want to do that, you could tell the reader about Charon in the narrator's voice, just so the reader really understands who Charon is and what he's all about.
9 - In the quotation marks, the beginning word needs to be capitalized, unless it is a continuation such as in the last paragraph.
12 - You used 'you're' instead of 'your'- which is the correct version here.
15 - Isn't Charon more of an indifferent creature? All of a sudden, he sounds like he is disgusted by them, but that is not how he was previously described. Also it would be 'weirdos' if you choose to keep the conversation that way.
18 - If you are going to discuss religion beliefs and how some people think that they are all right, then I would suggest doing some research on Omnism. This is actually the religion that I choose to identify with, so if you have any questions, please PM me for advice or I could send you a link to a reliable website that best describes what it means to be an Omnist.
28 - I would change 'interjected Charon' to 'Charon interjected'. I would alter the following sentence to this suggestion 'If they left, his task was terminated.' Since he wouldn't really be completing his task if they left, I would change it from 'done' to 'terminated'.
34 - Charon's dialogue seems a bit run-on. I would break it up into a couple of sentences.
36 - The word 'its' in Alex's dialogue should be 'it's'.
37 - I don't understand the Commander Shepard reference- maybe try explaining where this character is from outside of Gabby's dialogue.
39 - Gabby has two b's, right? Here you only put Gaby. Does Charon only have one eye? Or did you mean she stared him in the eyes? Lets should be changed to Let's.
40 - There should be a comma after 'Sighing heavily..' I would also change this sentence to something similar to 'Sighing heaving, Charon reached up and pulled back the sky like a curtain, revealing a dark grey area. Gabby and Alex thought it was nothingness, but perhaps having Charon as their guide wouldn't be so bad after all.' Again, it should be let's instead of lets.

Plot and Characters:
I think Charon is a great character to add and I love your character development. Unfortunately, for people who don't really know what Charon looks like, they wouldn't really be able to picture him in their heads just from reading your story. They should be able to do this, so I would suggest adding in a paragraph describing how he looks instead of just simply stating that he is a giant when they first come into contact with him.

I would edit the discussion about religion to follow the guidelines of Omnism. It would make more sense if you discussed it in the fashion that Omnists (such as myself) believe.

I have noticed that you change the characters' names up quite a bit. Since you introduced them as Gabrielle and Alexander and wish to call them by their nicknames, I would keep it that way and refer to them as Gabby and Alex for rest of the story following their introductions. Don't be afraid to refer to them as 'he' or 'she' or 'her' or 'him'. If you've already mentioned that they are who you are talking about in that paragraph, the reader will be able to catch on.

Seriously though, I am really enjoying this story and I hope you write more soon!
7/4/2014 c1 heatheatheat
Is your title supposed to suggest that they are 'too far gone', or going to a place that is called 'Far Gone'?

Grammatically (by paragraph):
1 - I would change the first sentence to something like "As Gabrielle opened her eyes slowly, she was confronted..." In the second sentence, I would also change how it was written, maybe to something like "The young woman swore violently and jumped..."
3 - In the first sentence, I would suggest replacing one of the 'way's with a different word- it sounds repetitive when you use the same one too often.
5 - The word 'too' should be used as follows '...Gabrielle was too scared to take her hands off her ears...'
8 - The last sentence discusses Gabrielle attempting to choke the beast to free her leg from its jaws. You use the word 'allow' which I would not. I probably would have chosen a more assertive word such as 'force'.

To my surprise, I found many areas where I would prefer different wording. I also think you start too many sentences beginning with verbs, i.e. opening, swearing, looking, covering, cracking, slowly, reaching, etcetera. There were also many places in which I would insert commas. Try looking for areas where a pause needs to be taken in your sentences and enter a comma in each one.

Plot and Characters:
The beginning of your story starts out so interesting- in a fight scene. I couldn't think of a better way to catch your readers' interest!

I really love the imagery you are able to portray, but I would really like to see more descriptions of Gabrielle early on. You keep referring to her as 'the woman' which makes it sound a little impersonal. I would try being a little more intimate with the character when you talk about her to make it really seem like you care about her story.

I'm a bit confused in paragraphs 5 and 6. In 5, you said that the creature had summoned others of its kind to inspect her, but in 6, you said the one creature was now at least a hundred small creatures. Was the initial creature still present, but with friends? Or did it break itself up into a hundred little creatures?

In paragraph 9 where you say that the blood sprays everywhere, however, in the event in which you were describing, blood would not spray, but simply run down her calf. When you discuss the event of the creature biting her calf, you say that there are no arteries present, however, there are. Maybe try to change the sentence around so it says that she got lucky that none of her arteries were damaged. Also, what were the other hundred or so of the small creatures doing while she was attempting to fight off this one?- why were they idle whilst one of them was attacking?

Although I said that I would love more descriptions of Gabrielle in the beginning, there is too much for me towards the end. I don't think it is at all important to label her as having a couple extra pounds, but not being fat. The best way to describe her there would be to call her average. Her boob size doesn't really matter too much unless you're planning to write in some kind of sex scene. C-cup boobs also don't constitute minimal sex appeal. Here, again, I would call her average. I don't think that having bright blue eyes and a nice smile would help her at all in a fight.. If you're getting into a fight with someone, it isn't because you looked at them the wrong way or had a face they wanted to change. It is probably because an argument occurred or the one initiating the fight just simply wanted to fight.

I love your plot- it really makes me want to read more. The introduction of Alex seems interesting to me; I can't wait to see where you go with it. I'd really like to see more character development down the road so I could understand the characters personalities more. I look forward to reading more of this story, but please revise, revise, revise!
6/26/2014 c2 2lilymarie96
Oh this was such a cool idea! I really hope you continue with this! I'm particularly interested in how and why they have a splice between their soul and body. Maybe they were in a car crash? Maybe something even crazier than that? I like all the potential this has and I hope you update soon :)
6/26/2014 c1 lilymarie96
This was a great start! I could envision those creepy monsters very well, you used some pretty good description there! I also am interested to learn more about the dynamic between Alexander and Gabrielle, like if they are brother & sister, friends, or maybe potentially boyfriend/girlfriend. Also the concept of the strange white room they find themselves in is very cool (the first thought I had was that maybe it is some sort of simulation/training room, a lot like in Xmen?) At first I wasn't sure if it was a dream, and even though you jumped right into the action I think it worked. Also, just because I like to share random thoughts I've had haha, your creature kind of reminded me of the Frilled Shark that was first discovered in Japan as a creature from the deep in 2007. It is one of the creepiest real creatures I have ever seen! Nice writing overall too :) On to the next chapter!
6/12/2014 c1 2Anne Redwood
Yikes! Those creatures sound creepy. This is building into an interesting plot.

There are a few grammar errors when it comes to commas. Otherwise, not bad. You may want to mention how Alex and Gabrielle know each other and maybe their ages.

Hope this helps.
Anne
6/11/2014 c1 1OmegaFicPress
There are some mistakes here and there with grammar and spelling, but my main complaint is that for a opening it comes off very rushed. Stuff happens way too quickly and falls off without much fanfare. And the way you describe things is very telly, not showy. Like how saying shes's a kind person instead of showing it.

It's not bad, but could be way better for it's premise.
6/2/2014 c1 4CUintheair
This is really different. I love how it jumped right into the middle of things, leaving the reader as confused as the character. It's a tactic that doesn't always work, but you pulled it off well. Your description of the little mob of biting monsters was wonderful, and it made me think of some evil Cheshire Cat. It set the stage very early on for an off-the-wall setting and story.
There were a few drawbacks. Firstly, I hate to tell you, but your title is grammatically incorrect. You made the same mistake (the wrong usage of "to") in the chapter as well. "To" with one "o" is used when someone is going from one place to the other, or giving something to someone. When you are talking about quantities you should use "too" instead, like saying it is too warm or too cold. Someone can be too close for comfort, or live too far away to visit. It is an easy mistake, but the two words have very different uses.
There was also this sentence, "Searching through his pockets with one hand was frustrated to find that he must have forgotten it some where." Searching for what? You never stated, and it made the the whole sentence a little too confusing. Even just adding "searching through his pockets for something" would have made it flow better.

As I said though, it was an excellent, wonderfully creepy introduction to what I expect will be a fantastic story.
8/14/2013 c2 2N.D.Iverson
I like this story, despite what Mr. Troll (look down) says about it's editing. This sorry has promise and I hope you keep at it (also keep at your Skyrim story if it's not too much to ask :P). Shameless, I know...
8/1/2013 c1 Wendy Thompson135th
To Far Gone-

two large cat-like eyes peering back at her with great interest. Swearing violently the young woman jumped to her feet to escape the bug-eyed beast. -so does the beast have bug-eyes or cat-eyes? Or are there two beasts, and she's trying to get away from the bug-eyed one, not the cat-eyed one?

Looking up at her with great intrigue the creature -Intrigue-I think you'd better check out the definition.

made her kind of useless in a fight. -how, exactly, would a B or D cup size help in a fight?

This mostly reads as if you haven't read it over before posting.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service