for The Zilos Chronicles: Rise of the Crimson Ravens10/15/2022 c24 JaveHarron
Okay, the geopolitical elements shift towards a criminal element in this chapter. I feel the geopolitical elements are stronger and more resonant with Richard as a character and his overall origin, although you've established ties between the two. It would be like if Bruce Wayne and James Bond swapped jobs for a day (although that is a neat idea). Once more, I feel this saga would be stronger with some 'show, don't tell' for character interactions and scenes.
Okay, the geopolitical elements shift towards a criminal element in this chapter. I feel the geopolitical elements are stronger and more resonant with Richard as a character and his overall origin, although you've established ties between the two. It would be like if Bruce Wayne and James Bond swapped jobs for a day (although that is a neat idea). Once more, I feel this saga would be stronger with some 'show, don't tell' for character interactions and scenes.
10/12/2022 c23 JaveHarron
Okay, I did like the setting of the peace conference, with the action from each of the 3 factions. It shows off the capabilities of each faction, how the heroes deal with them, and a bit of foreshadowing as to the political subplot. However, the scene descriptions could use a lot more work. What does each character feel like or react, not just through dialogue? What posture, facial expression, etc. do they all have? Though the Empress, for instance, is masked for much of it, she still has posture and physicality in the scene she's present in. Use that.
Okay, I did like the setting of the peace conference, with the action from each of the 3 factions. It shows off the capabilities of each faction, how the heroes deal with them, and a bit of foreshadowing as to the political subplot. However, the scene descriptions could use a lot more work. What does each character feel like or react, not just through dialogue? What posture, facial expression, etc. do they all have? Though the Empress, for instance, is masked for much of it, she still has posture and physicality in the scene she's present in. Use that.
10/12/2022 c22 JaveHarron
The fight had some cool beats to it, and some creative use of abilities, but the monologue towards the end killed the excitement. Sure, a supervillain breaking speech can be effective, but it seemed more like a lengthy cutscene then a mocking, final beat.
The fight had some cool beats to it, and some creative use of abilities, but the monologue towards the end killed the excitement. Sure, a supervillain breaking speech can be effective, but it seemed more like a lengthy cutscene then a mocking, final beat.
10/12/2022 c21 JaveHarron
Once more, there's far too much talking and far less action. Pacing, lack of attention to details, and the implications of your own world often get overlooked. For example, magic is a whole plot element largely relegated to second string superpowers instead of being integrated into your world's day to day existence. A good example of incorporating them into the setting more organically might be Sanderson's Steelheart or Correia's Grim Noir trilogy.
Once more, there's far too much talking and far less action. Pacing, lack of attention to details, and the implications of your own world often get overlooked. For example, magic is a whole plot element largely relegated to second string superpowers instead of being integrated into your world's day to day existence. A good example of incorporating them into the setting more organically might be Sanderson's Steelheart or Correia's Grim Noir trilogy.
10/11/2022 c20 JaveHarron
I had fun this chapter. The pacing and dialogue matched, at least towards the end. There is a good set up and pay off, though the other issues I mentioned remain. There's some cool concepts, especially with the Rakthian angle, but they are dragged down here sadly.
I had fun this chapter. The pacing and dialogue matched, at least towards the end. There is a good set up and pay off, though the other issues I mentioned remain. There's some cool concepts, especially with the Rakthian angle, but they are dragged down here sadly.
10/11/2022 c19 JaveHarron
Okay, I liked the Tarantino reference, but a few points. The problems from earlier, like the talking heads and lack of creative writing, make this a slog at points. There's some cool ideas, but it takes a long trek to find them. That said, I think you might enjoy an anime called The Big O, if you ever heard of it.
Okay, I liked the Tarantino reference, but a few points. The problems from earlier, like the talking heads and lack of creative writing, make this a slog at points. There's some cool ideas, but it takes a long trek to find them. That said, I think you might enjoy an anime called The Big O, if you ever heard of it.
10/6/2022 c10 
11TamariMizu
Hi DZ!
[1] Prince Richard will definitely make a good king someday. He has the ability to relate to
commoners, knights and nobles with equal deftness. Few nobles would see the inherent value of gang members, but Richard is no ordinary noble.
[2] The Rycroft Asylum is definitely giving me Diclonius Research Facility vibes from Elfen Lied. A place where the staff is ruthless, amoral and inhumanly sadistic.
[3] Richard's heroic persona reminds me of a great animated Batman story called 'Mask of the Phantasm'. In it, Bruce Wayne initially effortlessly fights off toughs in tactical gear, but realized that they don't fear him. The bats in his secret cavern give him the idea to create a costume to provokes fear in his opponents.
[4] Richard has watched WAY too many Wagner operas!
Keep writing!
TM
11TamariMizuHi DZ!
[1] Prince Richard will definitely make a good king someday. He has the ability to relate to
commoners, knights and nobles with equal deftness. Few nobles would see the inherent value of gang members, but Richard is no ordinary noble.
[2] The Rycroft Asylum is definitely giving me Diclonius Research Facility vibes from Elfen Lied. A place where the staff is ruthless, amoral and inhumanly sadistic.
[3] Richard's heroic persona reminds me of a great animated Batman story called 'Mask of the Phantasm'. In it, Bruce Wayne initially effortlessly fights off toughs in tactical gear, but realized that they don't fear him. The bats in his secret cavern give him the idea to create a costume to provokes fear in his opponents.
[4] Richard has watched WAY too many Wagner operas!
Keep writing!
TM
10/4/2022 c18 JaveHarron
The chapter's pacing requires some substantial improvements. The beginning, while it has the cool resolution to the standoff, could be more easily done. Have us watch each speaker's bodily postures and gestures. Show the undecided neutrals' faces as they track or align with and against each point. A social battle can be just as exciting as a physical one, especially in a fantasy adventure series. Similarly, I feel the exposition near the end of the chapter could be streamlined substantially, and made more concise. That would work wonders, since you have cool ideas, but the meandering dialogue is the hardest part for me to follow.
The chapter's pacing requires some substantial improvements. The beginning, while it has the cool resolution to the standoff, could be more easily done. Have us watch each speaker's bodily postures and gestures. Show the undecided neutrals' faces as they track or align with and against each point. A social battle can be just as exciting as a physical one, especially in a fantasy adventure series. Similarly, I feel the exposition near the end of the chapter could be streamlined substantially, and made more concise. That would work wonders, since you have cool ideas, but the meandering dialogue is the hardest part for me to follow.
10/4/2022 c17 JaveHarron
Okay, I am liking Fiona. She's a bit more ambiguous of a character, as formidable and wily as she is. I like the fact we get some non-direct combat magic here as well. Still, as far as we can tell, the Dragoons do not mention briefings from local law enforcement or intelligence. Presumably, a special forces unit might also do such research on internal criminal activity or rebellions on their own if local law enforcement or other government departments were considered unreliable. You could have the particular individuals here briefed but preferring to do things themselves, since they may anticipate the opposition is aware of more conventional tactics.
Okay, I am liking Fiona. She's a bit more ambiguous of a character, as formidable and wily as she is. I like the fact we get some non-direct combat magic here as well. Still, as far as we can tell, the Dragoons do not mention briefings from local law enforcement or intelligence. Presumably, a special forces unit might also do such research on internal criminal activity or rebellions on their own if local law enforcement or other government departments were considered unreliable. You could have the particular individuals here briefed but preferring to do things themselves, since they may anticipate the opposition is aware of more conventional tactics.
9/30/2022 c16 JaveHarron
I am really liking Voltaire here. That said, the fight scene started to drag. At risk of a pun, a lot of the blows could have had more impact if you used more vivid language, especially with some of the creative spells being used (Iron Mud being a fav of mine). Instead, it feels like the characters are pulling abilities out of no where. It may work for a frightening foe, but against the heroes, it seems less desperate and at worst silly. It makes it harder to appreciate novel use of spells and powers when they are not detailed first, or even hinted at.
I am really liking Voltaire here. That said, the fight scene started to drag. At risk of a pun, a lot of the blows could have had more impact if you used more vivid language, especially with some of the creative spells being used (Iron Mud being a fav of mine). Instead, it feels like the characters are pulling abilities out of no where. It may work for a frightening foe, but against the heroes, it seems less desperate and at worst silly. It makes it harder to appreciate novel use of spells and powers when they are not detailed first, or even hinted at.
9/30/2022 c15 JaveHarron
Okay, I enjoyed the intro of the Ibis Corps, but a minor point: you later refer to them as the Iblis Corps. Both might be thematically fitting, as one is a scouring bird and the other is an Arabic reference to Satan. While I appreciated the action scenes and set up, a few potential issues: Richard is well aware of ranged weapons, yet he does not incorporate combined arms ambushes like a trained, elite soldier might. The Ibis Corps are a group with more elite capabilities than the gangsters they think they are facing, but the opening salvo of an ambush is often intended to maximize the shock and surprise of a target before they can react. Even in universe, a few Nitro Arrows or area of effect spells, plus conventional long range weapons, could work wonders there.
Okay, I enjoyed the intro of the Ibis Corps, but a minor point: you later refer to them as the Iblis Corps. Both might be thematically fitting, as one is a scouring bird and the other is an Arabic reference to Satan. While I appreciated the action scenes and set up, a few potential issues: Richard is well aware of ranged weapons, yet he does not incorporate combined arms ambushes like a trained, elite soldier might. The Ibis Corps are a group with more elite capabilities than the gangsters they think they are facing, but the opening salvo of an ambush is often intended to maximize the shock and surprise of a target before they can react. Even in universe, a few Nitro Arrows or area of effect spells, plus conventional long range weapons, could work wonders there.
9/29/2022 c14 JaveHarron
This story took a while to get into a good pace, but this is what I was hoping it would start off as. Interspersing how Richard begins with his background may be an alternative structure, if you ever re-edit this. I enjoyed the city and gang elements for worldbuilding, plus the action scenes. A bit more vivid breakdown of blows, like the coldness and heat of the brothers' swords here, would make the battle a lot more memorable. That said, the tail end of the chapter (after the fight) dragged. Pun intended.
This story took a while to get into a good pace, but this is what I was hoping it would start off as. Interspersing how Richard begins with his background may be an alternative structure, if you ever re-edit this. I enjoyed the city and gang elements for worldbuilding, plus the action scenes. A bit more vivid breakdown of blows, like the coldness and heat of the brothers' swords here, would make the battle a lot more memorable. That said, the tail end of the chapter (after the fight) dragged. Pun intended.
9/29/2022 c13 JaveHarron
I enjoyed this chapter quite a bit. The concept of your kaiju/kanjiu as bioremediation systems is a really awesome idea. Perhaps developed through merging an animal into symbiosis with a radiotrophic fungi, something like Cladosporium sphaerospermum, Wangiella dermatitidis, and Cryptococcus neoformans or their fantasy cousins. That said, I like Voltaire quite a bit here.
I enjoyed this chapter quite a bit. The concept of your kaiju/kanjiu as bioremediation systems is a really awesome idea. Perhaps developed through merging an animal into symbiosis with a radiotrophic fungi, something like Cladosporium sphaerospermum, Wangiella dermatitidis, and Cryptococcus neoformans or their fantasy cousins. That said, I like Voltaire quite a bit here.
9/29/2022 c8 JaveHarron
I have to say, I liked the introduction to Voltaire. Nice to read about a fictional arbalist. A few thoughts on his crossbow: Perhaps it could integrate a WAND into it to facilitate different effects on projections. It might also use a mechanical or magical draw system to recock itself, using materials far stronger than a human could draw. As such, it could also have a magazine of short, stubby bolts. Not sure if you ever seen Joerg Sprave's Slingshot Channel on Youtube, but he designed a number of cool repeating crossbows. That said, a lot of the criticisms I'd had from prior chapters are here.
I have to say, I liked the introduction to Voltaire. Nice to read about a fictional arbalist. A few thoughts on his crossbow: Perhaps it could integrate a WAND into it to facilitate different effects on projections. It might also use a mechanical or magical draw system to recock itself, using materials far stronger than a human could draw. As such, it could also have a magazine of short, stubby bolts. Not sure if you ever seen Joerg Sprave's Slingshot Channel on Youtube, but he designed a number of cool repeating crossbows. That said, a lot of the criticisms I'd had from prior chapters are here.
9/28/2022 c5 JaveHarron
I enjoyed the introduction of this chapter, where Richard meets Greymont. However, that scene would be greatly enhanced with a few creative flourishes, like metaphors or similes. You paint a lot of interesting ideas here, but they are not as vivid or memorable as they could be. The dialogue could also be a bit more streamlined here, since I found myself skimming through it. Sad, because I know you are capable of writing a few memorable scenes. That said, continuing to see where Richard's journey goes.
I enjoyed the introduction of this chapter, where Richard meets Greymont. However, that scene would be greatly enhanced with a few creative flourishes, like metaphors or similes. You paint a lot of interesting ideas here, but they are not as vivid or memorable as they could be. The dialogue could also be a bit more streamlined here, since I found myself skimming through it. Sad, because I know you are capable of writing a few memorable scenes. That said, continuing to see where Richard's journey goes.