for The Zilos Chronicles: Rise of the Crimson Ravens9/21/2022 c3 JaveHarron
This chapter had some nice worldbuilding in it, although there's a bit of a contrast between the beginning and end. You do some enjoyable 'show, don't tell' with the Zaitron frame, but a lot of info dumping describing the geopolitics. Perhaps a short paragraph or museum or intelligence briefing might do the same. That said, this world is a love letter to a lot of JRPG and anime tropes, and you've clearly established that. However, a bit more creative writing and metaphors would greatly help your project.
This chapter had some nice worldbuilding in it, although there's a bit of a contrast between the beginning and end. You do some enjoyable 'show, don't tell' with the Zaitron frame, but a lot of info dumping describing the geopolitics. Perhaps a short paragraph or museum or intelligence briefing might do the same. That said, this world is a love letter to a lot of JRPG and anime tropes, and you've clearly established that. However, a bit more creative writing and metaphors would greatly help your project.
9/20/2022 c9 
11TamariMizu
Hi DZ!
[1] Hammertime! Too legit to quit...
[2] Players as the pinballs.
[3] Richard as Ironman? Great fight scene.
[4] I love that smarta** kid!
Keep writing!
TM
11TamariMizuHi DZ!
[1] Hammertime! Too legit to quit...
[2] Players as the pinballs.
[3] Richard as Ironman? Great fight scene.
[4] I love that smarta** kid!
Keep writing!
TM
9/17/2022 c2 JaveHarron
So a bit of action and a heap of new characters introduced. My comments regarding this setting involve a seeming lack of spells involving social interaction, or at least that potential. We see these characters can use raw destructive arcane power or defensive powers in combat, but what about non-combat use? Making a better first impression? Arcane images or holograms? I am not sure that works in this world, but a lot of the circumstances in this chapter might've been handled otherwise. Then again, Richard is not a diplomat, but trained to more intense combat standards.
So a bit of action and a heap of new characters introduced. My comments regarding this setting involve a seeming lack of spells involving social interaction, or at least that potential. We see these characters can use raw destructive arcane power or defensive powers in combat, but what about non-combat use? Making a better first impression? Arcane images or holograms? I am not sure that works in this world, but a lot of the circumstances in this chapter might've been handled otherwise. Then again, Richard is not a diplomat, but trained to more intense combat standards.
9/10/2022 c1 JaveHarron
You certainly have both a hefty opening and a hefty appendix. I enjoy the worldbuilding, although a few notes. If these soldiers have ranged weapons, do they not have any form of close combat training with rifle butts, bayonets, or combatives? Or the ability to call for artillery or drone support? Such tactics could easily be used for the sort of brutal missions of that sort. Also, for magic, can it grant defensive shields, which may be more useful? Also, how about deploying combined arms units (e.g., equipped with laser and plasma weapons, in conjunction with magic and melee troops, if those are major parts of combat in this world)? They may not be a match for a Dragoon, but they have numbers and the ability to flank, lay down suppressive fire, and break into smaller teams (if only to distract their enemy long enough for reinforcements to arrive). That said, a lot of action, and definitely enjoyed it!
You certainly have both a hefty opening and a hefty appendix. I enjoy the worldbuilding, although a few notes. If these soldiers have ranged weapons, do they not have any form of close combat training with rifle butts, bayonets, or combatives? Or the ability to call for artillery or drone support? Such tactics could easily be used for the sort of brutal missions of that sort. Also, for magic, can it grant defensive shields, which may be more useful? Also, how about deploying combined arms units (e.g., equipped with laser and plasma weapons, in conjunction with magic and melee troops, if those are major parts of combat in this world)? They may not be a match for a Dragoon, but they have numbers and the ability to flank, lay down suppressive fire, and break into smaller teams (if only to distract their enemy long enough for reinforcements to arrive). That said, a lot of action, and definitely enjoyed it!
8/3/2022 c8 TamariMizu
Hi DZ!
[1] I'm sorry I'm reading your story so slowly. However, I must say that this kind of swashbuckling space opera is right up my alley. It feels like a cross between Star Wars and Traveler (an awesome tabletop space fantasy RPG).
[2] I knew there was a spark between Kristen and Richard from the first time I saw them interact. If they both survive this trial by fire, I will assume there is a royal wedding in the future. She's a keeper, IMHO. :)
[3] I love how Voltare just casually shoots the c*** out of Richard with an overpowered crossbow. Definitely a great comedic scene.
[4] Uncle Nathan is a great guy. I just hope he evades Mr. Steel's evil clutches.
[5] I like how Richard is still making rookie mistakes. I can only imagine that gets far more bada** as time goes on. Great stuff.
Keep writing!
TM
Hi DZ!
[1] I'm sorry I'm reading your story so slowly. However, I must say that this kind of swashbuckling space opera is right up my alley. It feels like a cross between Star Wars and Traveler (an awesome tabletop space fantasy RPG).
[2] I knew there was a spark between Kristen and Richard from the first time I saw them interact. If they both survive this trial by fire, I will assume there is a royal wedding in the future. She's a keeper, IMHO. :)
[3] I love how Voltare just casually shoots the c*** out of Richard with an overpowered crossbow. Definitely a great comedic scene.
[4] Uncle Nathan is a great guy. I just hope he evades Mr. Steel's evil clutches.
[5] I like how Richard is still making rookie mistakes. I can only imagine that gets far more bada** as time goes on. Great stuff.
Keep writing!
TM
7/22/2022 c7 TamariMizu
Hi DZ!
[1] Richard in the early scenes sounds like someone who was disillusioned after living in a cult all his life.
[2] I loved Greymont the pogo-draco!
[3] The lovable rogue Voltaire is a nice foil to Richards straight-arrow personality...a bit of a Luke Skywalker/Han Solo vibe.
[4] I thought the piano scene was very nicely executed. It was a sweet reunion between childhood friends (whom I'm sure had childhood crushes on each other). Despite all the trauma Richard went though he is still, at heart, a dorky teen boy. :)
[5] I'm sure we'll see Mr. Steel around (cue the FFVII Shinra theme with the finger snapping).
Keep writing!
TM
Hi DZ!
[1] Richard in the early scenes sounds like someone who was disillusioned after living in a cult all his life.
[2] I loved Greymont the pogo-draco!
[3] The lovable rogue Voltaire is a nice foil to Richards straight-arrow personality...a bit of a Luke Skywalker/Han Solo vibe.
[4] I thought the piano scene was very nicely executed. It was a sweet reunion between childhood friends (whom I'm sure had childhood crushes on each other). Despite all the trauma Richard went though he is still, at heart, a dorky teen boy. :)
[5] I'm sure we'll see Mr. Steel around (cue the FFVII Shinra theme with the finger snapping).
Keep writing!
TM
7/11/2022 c6 TamariMizu
Hi DZ!
[1] Finally back from my hiatus.
[2] Richard comparing himself to garbage...oof!
[3] I half expected the gang members to start dancing like in 'West Side Story'. The Hammer leaders are far more educated and intelligent than they let on. I'm curious if they will cross paths with the 'martyred' prince again. My guess is yes.
[4] I loved the museum scene, as it is quite different from a typical action setting. I love your world building in your stories.
[5] Voltaire is quite an interesting choice for an ally. It promises to be an entertaining ride.
[6] Greymont is entertaining, as always. I love his deadpan snark about the filthiest bathroom in Los Midas not looking like a museum! I've come to see him as part mascot, part symbol (Dragons coming back from the dead just as Richard surely will).
Keep writing!
TM
Hi DZ!
[1] Finally back from my hiatus.
[2] Richard comparing himself to garbage...oof!
[3] I half expected the gang members to start dancing like in 'West Side Story'. The Hammer leaders are far more educated and intelligent than they let on. I'm curious if they will cross paths with the 'martyred' prince again. My guess is yes.
[4] I loved the museum scene, as it is quite different from a typical action setting. I love your world building in your stories.
[5] Voltaire is quite an interesting choice for an ally. It promises to be an entertaining ride.
[6] Greymont is entertaining, as always. I love his deadpan snark about the filthiest bathroom in Los Midas not looking like a museum! I've come to see him as part mascot, part symbol (Dragons coming back from the dead just as Richard surely will).
Keep writing!
TM
6/26/2022 c30 Allfather-Ford
After monthly delays, I finally wrote this long overdue final chapter review. It shows what happens to the characters in wrapping up the story, starting off with Claire finding pinpoints of someone named Professor Fraction.
Dan is living in his apartment, doing the usual endurances of struggles (it’s rent, like who struggles with rent, everyone like us…). Los Midas, I see it’s based on Los Angeles. And damn, his alcoholic father is a bad person, that good thing that Dan cut ties with him. Voltaire is just reflecting of the Magna Centurions of being a realist. There’s the part of Zandoris and keeping these Dragon Helix Emeralds secure.
A character named King Andross, sounds like it's based on the main villain from Star Fox. Him and Nathan are making public and political arrangements. Then Nathan interacts with Greymont and Richard. Looks like they seem to get along just fine. And so, Richard and Greymont depart for their next journey.
Overall thoughts. It’s an interesting (and long paragraph chapters) story and premise that you recommend me to read. Like reading an original story is a different experience and something in getting use too. Richard being the main character is shown a lot of development from working with his father’s empire to being himself. There’s these Magna Centurions remind of sci-fi robots/mechs at first at times, the gangs, and all that connects to kingdoms and family heritages last centuries. Steiner is a love-to-hate villain of being the bane of Richard, and seeing him being defeated (but not before becoming a giant ape) makes the experience cathartic. Zandoris could be the next potential Big Bad. With the aftermath leaving fates of what the characters have.
After monthly delays, I finally wrote this long overdue final chapter review. It shows what happens to the characters in wrapping up the story, starting off with Claire finding pinpoints of someone named Professor Fraction.
Dan is living in his apartment, doing the usual endurances of struggles (it’s rent, like who struggles with rent, everyone like us…). Los Midas, I see it’s based on Los Angeles. And damn, his alcoholic father is a bad person, that good thing that Dan cut ties with him. Voltaire is just reflecting of the Magna Centurions of being a realist. There’s the part of Zandoris and keeping these Dragon Helix Emeralds secure.
A character named King Andross, sounds like it's based on the main villain from Star Fox. Him and Nathan are making public and political arrangements. Then Nathan interacts with Greymont and Richard. Looks like they seem to get along just fine. And so, Richard and Greymont depart for their next journey.
Overall thoughts. It’s an interesting (and long paragraph chapters) story and premise that you recommend me to read. Like reading an original story is a different experience and something in getting use too. Richard being the main character is shown a lot of development from working with his father’s empire to being himself. There’s these Magna Centurions remind of sci-fi robots/mechs at first at times, the gangs, and all that connects to kingdoms and family heritages last centuries. Steiner is a love-to-hate villain of being the bane of Richard, and seeing him being defeated (but not before becoming a giant ape) makes the experience cathartic. Zandoris could be the next potential Big Bad. With the aftermath leaving fates of what the characters have.
4/22/2022 c29 Allfather-Ford
Yes, Mega Flare Buster is a name tribute to a certain king of dragons in Final Fantasy.
All these resolutions tie up the story alongside what’s going to happen now. Richard is clearly feeling trust with his comrades, shows how far he's come since his character developments.
With one more chapter left to read after this, it’ll be a look back of the reading experience throughout these past months.
Yes, Mega Flare Buster is a name tribute to a certain king of dragons in Final Fantasy.
All these resolutions tie up the story alongside what’s going to happen now. Richard is clearly feeling trust with his comrades, shows how far he's come since his character developments.
With one more chapter left to read after this, it’ll be a look back of the reading experience throughout these past months.
4/22/2022 c28 Allfather-Ford
Battle between Richard and Steiner continues. It is that intense for a climatic final boss battle in the story, Richard is using every equipment he’s got such as Greymont’s armor for defensive maneuvers. They pretty much scream in anger and determine at each other to see who gets the first kill to one another.
Well, it’s more of Steiner having a furious breakdown of how such a ‘weakling dog’ (Richard) manage to surpass him and his animosity becomes this personal. Then oh shit, Steiner uses some serum to have another boss phase.
Greymont makes his personal move to strike back at Steiner. Steiner give another speech of the weak loses and the strong survives. He thinks Richard is a rat, but Richard proves his wrong that he is a true warrior. Oh shit, Steiner has transform again into King Kong. :O
Steiner attempting to crush his enemies slowly with his bare hands reminds me of Oozaru Vegeta does that to Goku back in the Saiyan Saga. Then another surprise, Greymont has transform into a much stronger form that this becomes a giant monster battle. This is just awesome.
After a tough battle, Steiner finally dies. Finally. Richard and Greymont stand tall as they are victorious.
Battle between Richard and Steiner continues. It is that intense for a climatic final boss battle in the story, Richard is using every equipment he’s got such as Greymont’s armor for defensive maneuvers. They pretty much scream in anger and determine at each other to see who gets the first kill to one another.
Well, it’s more of Steiner having a furious breakdown of how such a ‘weakling dog’ (Richard) manage to surpass him and his animosity becomes this personal. Then oh shit, Steiner uses some serum to have another boss phase.
Greymont makes his personal move to strike back at Steiner. Steiner give another speech of the weak loses and the strong survives. He thinks Richard is a rat, but Richard proves his wrong that he is a true warrior. Oh shit, Steiner has transform again into King Kong. :O
Steiner attempting to crush his enemies slowly with his bare hands reminds me of Oozaru Vegeta does that to Goku back in the Saiyan Saga. Then another surprise, Greymont has transform into a much stronger form that this becomes a giant monster battle. This is just awesome.
After a tough battle, Steiner finally dies. Finally. Richard and Greymont stand tall as they are victorious.
4/22/2022 c27 Allfather-Ford
A new combatant named Roxanne makes her debut, when she and Dan have a fight. Oh man, Roxanne is using ice magic from her tonfas.
Nice move technique of Hado Fang to opposing enemies. More Zaitron types are getting involved here in being part of the combatants. It’s like fighting second phases of boss battles, and learning to evade and strike like KH’s reaction commands.
Dan has pretty much pushed his limits to defeat Dick. Yeah, this is pretty much cathartic that Dick is pretty much dead.
A new combatant named Roxanne makes her debut, when she and Dan have a fight. Oh man, Roxanne is using ice magic from her tonfas.
Nice move technique of Hado Fang to opposing enemies. More Zaitron types are getting involved here in being part of the combatants. It’s like fighting second phases of boss battles, and learning to evade and strike like KH’s reaction commands.
Dan has pretty much pushed his limits to defeat Dick. Yeah, this is pretty much cathartic that Dick is pretty much dead.
4/22/2022 c26 Allfather-Ford
Here we are, this is the start of the gauntlet of vengeances in the climax battles of this story.
Mission debriefing here, that this is going to be a very intense one. Going to lay siege on Magna Obelisk and settle things with Dickberry.
We’re off to the fortress, the fight goes forward, and Voltaire takes his time to shine. These Centurions are making their descent.
Heh, Troy’s group are cornering Steiner. Funs just beginning bro. Both of them are fighting of letting them have it. Wow, Steiner hates stubborn looks so much that it conflicts his viewpoints to the world. Then, Richard arrives and gives his lecture to his enemy about guilt and people dying. Steiner remains furious at this. Richard is Steiner’s requiem of vengeance for sure.
Here we are, this is the start of the gauntlet of vengeances in the climax battles of this story.
Mission debriefing here, that this is going to be a very intense one. Going to lay siege on Magna Obelisk and settle things with Dickberry.
We’re off to the fortress, the fight goes forward, and Voltaire takes his time to shine. These Centurions are making their descent.
Heh, Troy’s group are cornering Steiner. Funs just beginning bro. Both of them are fighting of letting them have it. Wow, Steiner hates stubborn looks so much that it conflicts his viewpoints to the world. Then, Richard arrives and gives his lecture to his enemy about guilt and people dying. Steiner remains furious at this. Richard is Steiner’s requiem of vengeance for sure.
2/19/2022 c25 Allfather-Ford
It is a prelude to Richard's showdown with Steiner. Steiner thinks he has it all, but he's in for a big rude awakening when Richard is planning his game of vengeance.
Greymont is dreaming about his race and wonder if his memories are slowly returning.
It is a prelude to Richard's showdown with Steiner. Steiner thinks he has it all, but he's in for a big rude awakening when Richard is planning his game of vengeance.
Greymont is dreaming about his race and wonder if his memories are slowly returning.
2/19/2022 c24 Allfather-Ford
Cheer up Greymont, size doesn’t matter as long as you’re a reliable character taking part of the story.
A Magna Obelisk, that sounds like a powerful machine of some sorts.
Cheer up Greymont, size doesn’t matter as long as you’re a reliable character taking part of the story.
A Magna Obelisk, that sounds like a powerful machine of some sorts.
2/19/2022 c23 Allfather-Ford
Battle wages on to the point the protagonists scattered and back off, to the point that Greymont is injured.
Of course Richard is not going to give up and not letting Are's justice win.
Battle wages on to the point the protagonists scattered and back off, to the point that Greymont is injured.
Of course Richard is not going to give up and not letting Are's justice win.