Just In
for The Graveyard Shift

8/28/2013 c1 13IronicPuppies
One thing that really stuck out to me: I think this would work much better written in first person rather than third. There's really only one main character, not too much action, and the majority of the piece is her reaction to what she sees around her, all of which work well with a first person perspective. Plus the use of profanity would work much better first person; I can easily imagine a character cursing at this kind of experience but to have the narrator do so just feels jarring and out of place like you're yelling at her that she should feel pissed off about everything. For me it just made Etta less of a character and more of some faceless girl in the middle of a narration.

I like the idea of the elevator, especially the pacing going up and down. I thought the whole dropping down into hell perfectly matched that sinking feeling of knowing you can't stay in heaven.

A few notes on some wording: I like the line describing her memories coming back "almost like when you wake up after a night out..." This may be my own weird preference, but I love these kind of oddly specific, extended metaphors because they usually seem to describe whatever you're talking about that a straight up description.

On the other hand there are some cliched expressions, especially the "and the body of Channing Tatum on steroids" line. To be fair, I suppose it could be a relevant description since Channing Tatum on steroids would have the sort of 'godly' muscular body that I'd imagine you are getting at, but the phrase "on steroids" has been so incredibly overused that even an appropriate use of the phrase sounds incredibly cliche and could be easily improved upon.

Also, for some reason I don't like the phrase "You have not been moral enough to get off the elevator at this level." I mean I love the idea that a strange robotic voice says this, I just don't like that specific wording, not sure why. Sorry I can't be more specific than that.

As for the character of Etta, you do a nice job of revealing her character through behavior that she thinks she could have done before dying. One thing that was a tad confusing is the "Etta tries to make words that aren't 'fuck me' come out of her mouth" line. Not sure if the 'fuck me' is supposed to be more of her being confused and disoriented and cursing again as a result, or if it's a "this Zia woman is very attractive and I'd like to have sex with her" kind of 'fuck me' though I guess it isn't too much of a problem as I could see either interpretation working out in this story.
6/24/2013 c1 4lookingwest
It's about three minutes before the elevator gets to his feet... [Unsure what this means]

Heyy I remember Ash & Blood! I like how you slowed down the description and everything of the hell-descent and I like the description of the elevator concept and stuff. I don't remember that getting as much description-time, so I thought you did a good job showing the different levels of where people might end up when they die.

I think for the reader, the moment when they know something is up is when the elevator stops and says she isn't moral enough to get out of the elevator at that time. It makes me wonder what might happen if she tried to get out there, and if it would stop her in any violent way. I liked the feature of the elevator being glass too, and making her dizzy, because I thought that reflected the dizziness of her descent really well and it paired up with the disorientation of just learning something is severely wrong.

I like how you worked in the possibilities of what might have happened to Etta, and a little bit about her own life. This version seems a lot darker character-wise from the first with the implications of heavy drug use, maybe even rape, and alcohol poisoning. The darker route creates and interesting character insofar is that I wonder what her reaction to finding out she's in hell might be.

I think you ended it in a good place, and as always I'd love to see you go further with your projects but then, as someone who rarely finishes theirs these days, I understand. I think you've worked in fresh ideas into this story in a good way though, and I look forward to how you might re-write the different groups that Etta potentially comes across. I see there's already a "hell rebel" group that is mentioned and I liked that bit too. This is a great concept, as always!
6/18/2013 c1 3elie
I liked this. It was an interesting read, and I do hope you get around to writing at least one more chapter. (:
6/18/2013 c1 wisedec4u
I liked the opening of this. The way you've written it makes me as curious as Etta as to her current situation. I also liked the use of the elevator to symbolize her descending into hell. It was very fitting to the story. My only criticism is wished you could be a little more colorful with your descriptions so we can get better idea of your characters. Trying using more descriptive words than big ass and big thighs—a flat nose, big eyes, and small lips. Thanks for sharing.
6/18/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet

I think you did a great job at releasing the storyline slowly and letting the reader ease into the motif. I understood that Etta (love that name BTW) was dead just a hair before you revealed it. The pacing of this was good. I knew something was *off* but I wasn't confused.

I wish that you had given Etta a bit more characterization throughout. I don't dislike her, or anything like that, but I don't have anything from her that makes me feel one way or another about her plight. I think a bit more back story and personal it will make this pop.

P. S. I WANT to see chapter 3 of sommeetthhiinngg from you LOL you can do it. I believe in you :)


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