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8/13/2013 c1 12GossamerSilverglow
Freebie Review Won by ohdaughter in The Review Game:

The first three sentences should be a paragraph. I think it would look better at first glance if instead of three single looking sentences, it was grouped together. That’s just personal preference, but I thought I’d suggest it.

“She's growing up much faster than she'd like, and he's not the mystery he used to be.” The comma after like isn’t necessary.

“She used to clap her hands to his beat every night because she believed in him, believed he would hit it big and take her on trips to Neverland every weekend.” I’m really enjoying the childlike flare you’ve given this drug addiction. Taking a page out of Peter Pan was extremely creative in describing this without it getting over the top or too detailed about how bad the addiction was. I’m not saying it lacks detail, by the way, I’m saying the way you chose to give the detail was pretty damn genius.

“…spins stories out of thin air like he used to…He's a lost boy and he's never going to grow up.” I’ve seen this happen a lot. People grow up while others don’t and it causes that rift that makes people want to cheat because they feel trapped. You describe this very well. I notice you use ‘and’ a lot though. Are you ohdaugter? Is this just a different penname for you? Your writing styles are pretty similar. I have two different pennames myself. Gossamersilverglow is my real name through a fairy generator for my original fiction and Aya8 (also sometimes gypsybaby21) is for my fan fiction. Did you do it for different genres you wanted to keep separate? Or if I’m wrong, sorry!

The imagery in this piece is fabulous. I’m assuming the dust is like coke or something? I’ve never been clear on what drug you actually snort.

“He's a lost boy and he'll never be found.” I loved this sentence too. It seems to just re-emphasis that stagnant quality of her life caused by her own personal choices influenced by what she thought was love. The ending carried a more subtle impact than what I normally see in one shots. Usually it’s large or nothing at all, that go big or go home thing, but I really liked the ending and I appreciated that subtly more than I thought I would! Great story!
6/29/2013 c1 2Marguerite Grimmett
I like how the emotions were clear, and the last few sentences gave a nice touch to it. I also like how you managed to make it easy to connect to the characters, even though the names are revealed.

Er... But I didn't like how I had no idea where they were, who they are, things like that. But that's probably why I prefer reading stories than one-shots, and I guess the mysteriousness is the point, but I didn't like it that much. :)

Happy writing!
6/27/2013 c1 1ChaChaChicka
Um- It's pretty good, the only thing I'd say is that if they'd been together 3 years she'd probably know his name. I used to have a crush on Peter Pan when I was 3...
6/23/2013 c1 4lookingwest
Elric. You gotta do something for me if you haven't already read this book. Go to Google and type in "The Blue Mirror" by Kathe Koja and go to the Amazon and read a bit about it. I think (if you haven't read this book) that you would really like it. I read it when I was a teenager and it changed my style of writing and had a big impact on me writing-wise. The story is also kind of cool, and the cover is obviously pretty badass, haha! You should look this up if you haven't read it and see if a library has it or something. It isn't cyberpunk or anything, but the writing style is really cool and sometimes when I read about your characters, especially even here, it kind of resonates and echoes with the mysterious and not-all-that-great-of-a-guy Cole (the MC guy of Blue Mirror). Also the style is very one-sentence-at-a-time powerful in some parts, which I see embodied in some of your style too.

So, anyway, onto your review. I thought the characters in this were very dynamic in the sense that their relationship is kind of crumbling and our MC Darling is, well put in the story "disenchanted" from the charms of Peter. I really liked that quality and how you're writing about something that isn't ideal, and the breakdown and decay of something that's supposed to be happy and carefree. You twist this story on its head, I think.

One of my favorite things you've added into it is the Fairydust. I liked that because I haven't seen an adaptation do that before, and I thought it was cool how that worked into both their lifestyles and is the "magical" element that kind of wears them both down, in that sense. Likening it to drugs and creating those parallels was inventive. It makes me wonder what the Fairydust does too - like if they imagine that they can fly and stuff, I think elaborating into that might have been a cool moment for some visual fun and maybe poetic imagery fun too, but at the same time, I think we can gather than on our own as readers who are familiar with the source material.

A cool little piece, I enjoyed it!
6/23/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
I loved how tangled this story was. It was such a dark and hopeless (in a good way) retelling of J.M. Barrie's story. I really enjoyed that.

First off I found your Wendy character very relatable (she could have also been Tink, though.) I think you did a great job with showing her youth and her hunger for Peter. I think in a lot of ways *she* brought on a lot of her own heartache bit that's what makes her interesting and gives her depth. I also enjoyed how you made it clear that Peter was not a good guy. It adds to the plot of the story that the reader knows that right away. I also thought it was interesting how you incorporated the "fairy dust" into the story. This was a very clever parallel to the original. Great job :)

Juliet.

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