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for Heading For Sun

6/29/2013 c1 1Hauviette
Greetings from The Lounge. :)

I liked the characterization that was shown in this story. You did a really great job by bringing out the details such as Tara's friendship with Agnes in elementary school and how they'd grown apart in middle school. I also liked the way that you've brought up Tara's illness and how everyone in school had thought of her.

However, in terms of grammar this story could've used a little work and the sentences should be mashed into paragraphs instead of each having its own line. Despite these few minor flaws, your story has really good potential.

Keep it up :)
-Zeta
6/29/2013 c1 5Whirlymerle
Hey! :)

I really like how you characterize Tara’s father. The detail about how he was the kind of person who let her win is such a simple yet effective way to portray to his personality.

Actually, I think the entire family scene is done very well. It was very sweet and heartwarming. Like Casey and Tara fighting over the music and everything. I think, because you’re writing a story where the main character is a cancer patient, the “normal” things almost make the story sadder, when we realize that Tara might die soon and can’t take those things for granted.

Some technical things:
[Disney world] World should be capitalized because it’s part of the time.

[And gross. She was scared to put something in her eye.] I can totally relate to that.

[her won best friend, Agnes Miller] “own”

[talking in a consent sing-song] do you mean “constant”?

["Okay, then." Tara mumbles.] One thing about punctuation for dialogue, when you have a speaker tag, it’s the same sentence as the dialogue. So for example, format would be {“Yes,” he said.} {She yelled, “No!”} and in this case, {Okay, then,” Tara mumbles.”}

Also, I’m not sure if you mean to write in present or past tense, but you should look it over and stick with one tense, especially since you’re writing in the third person.
6/29/2013 c2 2Marguerite Grimmett
Well. This chapter is as good as the last one, maybe even better! I really quickly adapted to Sammy's way of thinking. My favorite sentence was, Now was not the time to point out that she was eighty years old. It's really funny!

Keep on writing!
6/29/2013 c1 Marguerite Grimmett
I loved this!

Your description was awesome, and this sentence was really funny: And Tara would have an overwhelming urge to pull away and gasp for air.

Keep writing!
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