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for The Necromancer and the Clockwork Wheel

7/2/2013 c1 Ann4L0v3
It's good.. and (referring to your request for criticism) it's amateur. The third person persona is a good idea if you want to span the focus and point of interest on more than one character but the beginning was not a catcher. It was not a good beginning for this nor to catch interest of your readers. It was too simple. "A young woman and her brother" automatically out. Instead you could have started out describing the building in a cinematic way and more detail or a foreshadowing climatic moment that will give readers insight to what is to come if they stick around. The way you started out was sort of unnecessary in a way. You could have showed some personality and invoice of one of the characters and then went on to introduce her brother in dialogue.
You have great vocab as the story progresses and the detail starts to show but you may have rushed into the dilemma a little early. Normally, authors use the beginnings to establish personality and show the relationship between characters. You know, try to get the reader to know the characters? Maybe introduce some low-level problems that can span out throughout the story and solve itself in the end. Then in Chapter Two or so the major dilemma is shown.
There is great potential but it does need some work. I do feel your pain though. With some of my stories I get so frustrated with them and they turn out sounding like my little sister wrote them. After taking a break, reading aloud, and looking it over with fresh eyes I can easily spot mistakes I didn't see before and make the story better.

*One final tip, you can never go wrong with too much detail. If you are in a spot where it feels incomplete and you don't know how to fix it, try to add some detail like the surroundings. The sky or the landscape or some of the people around them. Or even describing what the characters is feeling or thinking. This way the reader/audience can get into the characters and bond with them more efficiently and quickly.

-Sorry if I sound too harsh or something. I saw that you asked for Criticism and I gave it to you. You won't grow your abilities in writing if people just sugar coat everything and make it all rainbows and flowers. I believe the point in my life where my skills increased dramatically was where my mentor, peers, and teachers were being harsh on me and my writing. At the time it sucked but now I am grateful for it.

Keep working hard and don't give up!

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