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for The Nightshade Conspiracy - An Angeles Creid Mystery

7/11/2013 c1 1CappyWag
Of course, these are my opinions.

Too much vague setting description in the beginning. It meant nothing to me and was difficult to comprehend, so I skipped it. While I appreciate spanning worlds that are extremely detailed, throwing any large background all at once is not easy to comprehend (particularly with non-relatable words. "Green Hill of Riverdale" is much easier to remember than "Yrdith".) I would suggest integrating more background when it becomes necessary. Alternatively, maps are always nice (if sometimes random, haha.)

On that same note, throwing a bunch of names that the readers are unfamiliar with is a quick way to lose them. "Duan" "El'shi" (whom I assume are races, and are described later), pha'eerist, trinitarian, gaia spark, (and on, and on) on top of all the locations. Also, not sure what the sun spheres are and they are referenced multiple times.

"moping reverie" seems contradictory. He hadn't so far seemed pleased to be lost in his dismal thoughts, and now you are saying he is both happy in his thoughts and moping? Not sure what the effect here is.

Okay, upper Haven is cleaner, nicer looking... but it conceals 'blacker passions.' I'm confused as to whether upper Haven is actually darker or not then the Undercity (are people just trying to get by in the Undercity, or are there more criminals and such there?) The description is making me unsure.

"all but hidden hi above" should be high, and Nick is uncapitalized in "even though nick's shoe". Couple small grammar things.

Drugs and alcohol, woo. Lol.

Overall, though I like the storytelling, descriptions, and general writing, there is definitely too much specific unexplained wording and background for this to be easily understood. It's setting up for an in depth world, which is great, but it's losing me, and I have to push to continue. In other words, too much thrown in all at once. Perhaps other readers will like this storytelling more, but I have a hard time with it.

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