for Checked Out8/17/2013 c6 
2Kicks-and-Giggles
Good chapter! I have to admit I skipped the racier portion of it, but I think that was only about two paragraphs or so. I liked the short snippets of internal dialogue you gave for each of the characters to set the mood as to what they were feeling at that time. I particularly liked how the passion at the beginning was mixed with an emotional connection between the two: with him remembering a dark memory and her trying to comfort him. I haven't read other romance stories before, so I don't have anything to compare it to, but I liked it all on its own! )
As for things to improve, this was clearly a scene (couple of scenes) that were focused around feelings of passion, and you did a great job delivering that. There really wasn't much to improve on, except for maybe talking more about what Frieda thought about what happened the previous night. I know you mention she's shy about it, but we don't know if she liked it/didn't like it/wonders if he liked it or not, etc. Or perhaps keeping track of whose perspective you're writing from. There's a point at the beginning where you switch flip flop between their views (saying "he could be patient", then "she noticed something in his eyes" etc.) Just being picky, but reading would have been a bit smoother if there was clear transition between their POVs.
2Kicks-and-GigglesGood chapter! I have to admit I skipped the racier portion of it, but I think that was only about two paragraphs or so. I liked the short snippets of internal dialogue you gave for each of the characters to set the mood as to what they were feeling at that time. I particularly liked how the passion at the beginning was mixed with an emotional connection between the two: with him remembering a dark memory and her trying to comfort him. I haven't read other romance stories before, so I don't have anything to compare it to, but I liked it all on its own! )
As for things to improve, this was clearly a scene (couple of scenes) that were focused around feelings of passion, and you did a great job delivering that. There really wasn't much to improve on, except for maybe talking more about what Frieda thought about what happened the previous night. I know you mention she's shy about it, but we don't know if she liked it/didn't like it/wonders if he liked it or not, etc. Or perhaps keeping track of whose perspective you're writing from. There's a point at the beginning where you switch flip flop between their views (saying "he could be patient", then "she noticed something in his eyes" etc.) Just being picky, but reading would have been a bit smoother if there was clear transition between their POVs.
8/14/2013 c6 3handna95
So I didn't read any of your previous chapters because you said you wanted number six read. I hope that's ok with you. Matt, Matt, Matt. He's an interesting character. He seems like a sensitive guy that is interested in more than the physical side of things. He wants to make Frieda feel good as opposed to just having a good run of her. That made him instantly like him more as a character.
When describing the mounting bills and lack of time, I didn't feel the emotion I think you intended. You told me more than you showed me about her distress. Maybe use short, choppy sentences to emulate an overwhelmed thought process. Also the bit about her mom and paying bills was confusing. I almost thought that she had to pay her mom rent before I got to the caretaker part. That must be a sad thing to take care of your mom though. Build off of that because it has the potential to be another load of tension in Frieda's life.
The sex scene, while not really my thing, was pretty good. You left a lot of it up to the reader's interpretation, but still gave a clear image of what was happening. I also like how you included Matt's thought process. That gave it a personal touch. That monster of a paragraph is a little jarring though. It'd be more ascetically pleasing if you broke it up. This was a pretty good chapter though. It makes me want to read more definitely. Keep up the good work!
3handna95So I didn't read any of your previous chapters because you said you wanted number six read. I hope that's ok with you. Matt, Matt, Matt. He's an interesting character. He seems like a sensitive guy that is interested in more than the physical side of things. He wants to make Frieda feel good as opposed to just having a good run of her. That made him instantly like him more as a character.
When describing the mounting bills and lack of time, I didn't feel the emotion I think you intended. You told me more than you showed me about her distress. Maybe use short, choppy sentences to emulate an overwhelmed thought process. Also the bit about her mom and paying bills was confusing. I almost thought that she had to pay her mom rent before I got to the caretaker part. That must be a sad thing to take care of your mom though. Build off of that because it has the potential to be another load of tension in Frieda's life.
The sex scene, while not really my thing, was pretty good. You left a lot of it up to the reader's interpretation, but still gave a clear image of what was happening. I also like how you included Matt's thought process. That gave it a personal touch. That monster of a paragraph is a little jarring though. It'd be more ascetically pleasing if you broke it up. This was a pretty good chapter though. It makes me want to read more definitely. Keep up the good work!
7/30/2013 c5 4lookingwest
The dialogue formatting was ten times better than previous chapters here, and I liked that because it made for a much easier read and a much more even pace. I wasn't getting bogged down in paragraphs that were overly-long, so I really appreciated the way things were grammar-wise in this chapter. Still some speaker tag issues, but it's okay. I liked the exchange between Frieda and Matt regarding librarians because their exchanges, while always full of tension, also have a way of coming across very flirtatious, which is great regarding the romance genre of the story. I think that's developing really well, especially where we're left with this chapter. Good work.
4lookingwestThe dialogue formatting was ten times better than previous chapters here, and I liked that because it made for a much easier read and a much more even pace. I wasn't getting bogged down in paragraphs that were overly-long, so I really appreciated the way things were grammar-wise in this chapter. Still some speaker tag issues, but it's okay. I liked the exchange between Frieda and Matt regarding librarians because their exchanges, while always full of tension, also have a way of coming across very flirtatious, which is great regarding the romance genre of the story. I think that's developing really well, especially where we're left with this chapter. Good work.
7/30/2013 c4 lookingwest
I was not at all surprised to see Matt apologize for his behavior - especially after his characterization in the last chapter. He genuinely comes off as one of the good guys. It's good that she fount something special in the apology letter that makes it even better than Noah from The Notebook. Matt has a tough act to follow with all these men she's comparing him to - but it's good to see he stands his ground ;)
I found the dialogue in this chapter particularly difficult to read because it's all clumped together. I suppose every chapter has been like that so far - but this one in particular where I really wanted to slow down and appreciate what they were saying to one another during their conversation was distracting with all the errors and formatting problems - I disliked the reading experience because of that. The dialogue with Kendall was much easier to read and for the most part paragraph-wise grammatically correct - your kind of have your grammar with that all over the place, haha. I'm unsure if you know how to properly do it and you're just being lazy, or if you don't know which way is the correct way so you're doing both *scratches head*
Ah wow, interesting developments with Frieda in this chapter relating to her mother. I really liked the internal dialogue she was having with herself and her mother because I thought it showed her distressing situation and relationship she has with her. It was very nicely done, and I think it really spices up Frieda's developments. It's also cool to see the connection with Mrs. Kline and everything. Well done!
I was not at all surprised to see Matt apologize for his behavior - especially after his characterization in the last chapter. He genuinely comes off as one of the good guys. It's good that she fount something special in the apology letter that makes it even better than Noah from The Notebook. Matt has a tough act to follow with all these men she's comparing him to - but it's good to see he stands his ground ;)
I found the dialogue in this chapter particularly difficult to read because it's all clumped together. I suppose every chapter has been like that so far - but this one in particular where I really wanted to slow down and appreciate what they were saying to one another during their conversation was distracting with all the errors and formatting problems - I disliked the reading experience because of that. The dialogue with Kendall was much easier to read and for the most part paragraph-wise grammatically correct - your kind of have your grammar with that all over the place, haha. I'm unsure if you know how to properly do it and you're just being lazy, or if you don't know which way is the correct way so you're doing both *scratches head*
Ah wow, interesting developments with Frieda in this chapter relating to her mother. I really liked the internal dialogue she was having with herself and her mother because I thought it showed her distressing situation and relationship she has with her. It was very nicely done, and I think it really spices up Frieda's developments. It's also cool to see the connection with Mrs. Kline and everything. Well done!
7/30/2013 c3 lookingwest
In regards to your opening - damn Frieda, if you are turned on by your dream, do yourself a favor and have a little follow up for yourself. She kind of makes me sad in that way. I feel that Frieda doesn't pleasure herself very often. I think she'd be happier if she did. But anyway, apologies - that might also come off as offensive ._. I did actually like the dream transition, though, haha. The description of her coming out of the dream had a nice lull and I like how you described it with the "heavy haze" line - because it really had the feeling of coming out of a dream and was familiar in that regard - in a nicely poetic way :)
I liked the description of the woman looking for Jimmy because I thought it was very vivid. It was heartbreaking too, kind of reminds me of The Notebook referenced earlier in the first chapter, too. Another reeeeaaallllyyyyy long paragraph starting with "She wasn't kidding" - really could be broken up to even six or seven smaller paragraphs or more even. As a seasoned FP reader and writer, I also want to be straight up - I've found through experience that longer paragraphs make people online extremely tempted to skim work and not read it with a close eye. Just throwing that out there too. Matt's little quips to himself like "a flashback to kindergarten" or earlier in the chapter where he thinks himself the world's biggest loser or something really paint his character nicely, gives his character a unique voice, I thought too, and I liked those quips for those reasons.
In regards to your opening - damn Frieda, if you are turned on by your dream, do yourself a favor and have a little follow up for yourself. She kind of makes me sad in that way. I feel that Frieda doesn't pleasure herself very often. I think she'd be happier if she did. But anyway, apologies - that might also come off as offensive ._. I did actually like the dream transition, though, haha. The description of her coming out of the dream had a nice lull and I like how you described it with the "heavy haze" line - because it really had the feeling of coming out of a dream and was familiar in that regard - in a nicely poetic way :)
I liked the description of the woman looking for Jimmy because I thought it was very vivid. It was heartbreaking too, kind of reminds me of The Notebook referenced earlier in the first chapter, too. Another reeeeaaallllyyyyy long paragraph starting with "She wasn't kidding" - really could be broken up to even six or seven smaller paragraphs or more even. As a seasoned FP reader and writer, I also want to be straight up - I've found through experience that longer paragraphs make people online extremely tempted to skim work and not read it with a close eye. Just throwing that out there too. Matt's little quips to himself like "a flashback to kindergarten" or earlier in the chapter where he thinks himself the world's biggest loser or something really paint his character nicely, gives his character a unique voice, I thought too, and I liked those quips for those reasons.
7/30/2013 c2 lookingwest
Woohoo, starting this chapter strong with a George Eliot quote!
Since being discharged from the Army, he In addition to his anti-anxiety medications, Matt was required to go to group therapy once a month... [Something weird is going on with the clauses here - I think there's a typo with "he In addition"]
Again - you've got some very sizable paragraphs in your writing. Remember to always break a new paragraph when someone new speaks. You can also break paragraphs of dialogue when you have one speaker - if you are unsure how to do that in the middle of a monologue they're giving, etc. I would recommend Googling it so it can help you pace things a little better. The larger paragraphs really drag sometimes, especially when you're packing so much information into them.
"Make yourself comfortable," He said to Matt. [un-capitalize "He", I'm seeing this a lot so I would just go through when you edit and make sure you always have those speaker tags un-capitalized unless they're nouns, of course. I won't be pointing them out again.]
The session with Kendall was a good device to give us background on Matt, and I liked it for those reasons. Again, (I won't mention it after this either) I think it would benefit your narrative if you put in a page break or an indicator when you switch limited omniscient focus.
"I hope so." She retorted. [Comma after "so" - I'm seeing this grammatical error a lot too, make sure your dialogue is always followed by a comma with an un-capitalized speaker tag - I mean, there are exceptions of course, but that's the usual schtick.]
After this chapter, honestly, there isn't a whole lot in this budding romance that I'm finding especially unique or attention-grabbing, not really a dislike or a like, just a general observation I suppose. It seems pretty predictable right now, unless I guess it's revealed that they're into some kinky stuff in their sex lives, BUT I do kind of like how fast the pace is going because I expected us to kind of dance around their feelings for one another, it seems things are moving pretty quickly, especially in the last paragraph when she touches him. I liked the descriptions there, even if the "true love's touch/kiss/hand-grab/ass-grab" is always kind of a detailed surprise from the participants. The attention on the scent of Frieda was a unique turn - I appreciated the sensory detail.
Woohoo, starting this chapter strong with a George Eliot quote!
Since being discharged from the Army, he In addition to his anti-anxiety medications, Matt was required to go to group therapy once a month... [Something weird is going on with the clauses here - I think there's a typo with "he In addition"]
Again - you've got some very sizable paragraphs in your writing. Remember to always break a new paragraph when someone new speaks. You can also break paragraphs of dialogue when you have one speaker - if you are unsure how to do that in the middle of a monologue they're giving, etc. I would recommend Googling it so it can help you pace things a little better. The larger paragraphs really drag sometimes, especially when you're packing so much information into them.
"Make yourself comfortable," He said to Matt. [un-capitalize "He", I'm seeing this a lot so I would just go through when you edit and make sure you always have those speaker tags un-capitalized unless they're nouns, of course. I won't be pointing them out again.]
The session with Kendall was a good device to give us background on Matt, and I liked it for those reasons. Again, (I won't mention it after this either) I think it would benefit your narrative if you put in a page break or an indicator when you switch limited omniscient focus.
"I hope so." She retorted. [Comma after "so" - I'm seeing this grammatical error a lot too, make sure your dialogue is always followed by a comma with an un-capitalized speaker tag - I mean, there are exceptions of course, but that's the usual schtick.]
After this chapter, honestly, there isn't a whole lot in this budding romance that I'm finding especially unique or attention-grabbing, not really a dislike or a like, just a general observation I suppose. It seems pretty predictable right now, unless I guess it's revealed that they're into some kinky stuff in their sex lives, BUT I do kind of like how fast the pace is going because I expected us to kind of dance around their feelings for one another, it seems things are moving pretty quickly, especially in the last paragraph when she touches him. I liked the descriptions there, even if the "true love's touch/kiss/hand-grab/ass-grab" is always kind of a detailed surprise from the participants. The attention on the scent of Frieda was a unique turn - I appreciated the sensory detail.
7/30/2013 c1 lookingwest
For first impressions, I did not like Frieda one bit. I think it's more my personal preference than not - a proclaimed feminist, I dislike the idea of watching a woman fixate and mope about how there are no such thing as "romantic" men and I dislike how she thinks her life would improve with a man. This has nothing really to do with your actual writing though, so I digress. I did like how you characterized her (even if my first impression is quite sour), and I think for those who can relate it comes across in a detailed way that works really well. The literary references, though unfortunate to fixate on (like Jane Eyre - ie. The Mad Woman in the Attic by Gilbert and Gubar) again illuminate her personality and say something about her in a clever way, so good device use there. Overall I got a very conservative tone from her.
I disliked that you didn't give us a page break after our scenes with Frieda before we switch over to Matt - without a page break the transition was quiet sudden and I had to kind of re-read to figure out what you were doing with the switch. I would recommend putting something there to indicate we're changing character focus in the third person.
"Awfully friendly people," Matteo muttered. [Start a new paragraph generally whenever a new person is talking]
"You'll do," she pronounced finally. [This paragraph was very dense and difficult to get through because of its length. I would recommend cutting it down into maybe even three or four paragraphs to make it easier to read and get through, especially because you have dialogue]
I think that's it," She said... [un-capitalize "She"]
My first impression of Matt is okay, I guess. He seems kind of boring. Not really exciting stuff happening while he's moving in - the speech by the landlady was also boring. I felt like it could just be cut out, but then again, I did like the comment about him thinking she would be adverse to him bringing a woman home because I think that's a good foreshadow of what might happen later, or conflict that might happen later with Frieda. So far things for a first chapter seem to be pretty predictable. I'm interested to see how you might spice things up.
For first impressions, I did not like Frieda one bit. I think it's more my personal preference than not - a proclaimed feminist, I dislike the idea of watching a woman fixate and mope about how there are no such thing as "romantic" men and I dislike how she thinks her life would improve with a man. This has nothing really to do with your actual writing though, so I digress. I did like how you characterized her (even if my first impression is quite sour), and I think for those who can relate it comes across in a detailed way that works really well. The literary references, though unfortunate to fixate on (like Jane Eyre - ie. The Mad Woman in the Attic by Gilbert and Gubar) again illuminate her personality and say something about her in a clever way, so good device use there. Overall I got a very conservative tone from her.
I disliked that you didn't give us a page break after our scenes with Frieda before we switch over to Matt - without a page break the transition was quiet sudden and I had to kind of re-read to figure out what you were doing with the switch. I would recommend putting something there to indicate we're changing character focus in the third person.
"Awfully friendly people," Matteo muttered. [Start a new paragraph generally whenever a new person is talking]
"You'll do," she pronounced finally. [This paragraph was very dense and difficult to get through because of its length. I would recommend cutting it down into maybe even three or four paragraphs to make it easier to read and get through, especially because you have dialogue]
I think that's it," She said... [un-capitalize "She"]
My first impression of Matt is okay, I guess. He seems kind of boring. Not really exciting stuff happening while he's moving in - the speech by the landlady was also boring. I felt like it could just be cut out, but then again, I did like the comment about him thinking she would be adverse to him bringing a woman home because I think that's a good foreshadow of what might happen later, or conflict that might happen later with Frieda. So far things for a first chapter seem to be pretty predictable. I'm interested to see how you might spice things up.
7/30/2013 c2 1Unxious Custard
Parapraph 4 is a bit of a mouthful, and could do with breaking up a bit. I know you have stuck to one person's dialogue, but there are points where it would naturally break. Your quotes at the beginning of the chapter are lovely, but I personally am not a fan of such devices. For me, the story is all, the characters need to carry me along on a wave of their emotions and activities, for I need the escape. Dear lord, she had become a madwoman. Shaking her distracted thoughts she turned to Matt. A wonderful bit of self reflection in this sentence. I loved it. The holds turn out to have a lovely bit of plotting to them, which works very well. I also very much enjoyed the way Matt became confounded by Frieda. A perfect set up, with some very original characters. I can see this flying off the shelves. I do hope you will also review my story, Psychics v Terrorists, which is a modern day fantasy set in England. Sometimes it is good to get a cross genre review, because it gives a very different perspective on things.
1Unxious CustardParapraph 4 is a bit of a mouthful, and could do with breaking up a bit. I know you have stuck to one person's dialogue, but there are points where it would naturally break. Your quotes at the beginning of the chapter are lovely, but I personally am not a fan of such devices. For me, the story is all, the characters need to carry me along on a wave of their emotions and activities, for I need the escape. Dear lord, she had become a madwoman. Shaking her distracted thoughts she turned to Matt. A wonderful bit of self reflection in this sentence. I loved it. The holds turn out to have a lovely bit of plotting to them, which works very well. I also very much enjoyed the way Matt became confounded by Frieda. A perfect set up, with some very original characters. I can see this flying off the shelves. I do hope you will also review my story, Psychics v Terrorists, which is a modern day fantasy set in England. Sometimes it is good to get a cross genre review, because it gives a very different perspective on things.
7/30/2013 c1 Unxious Custard
Hi, we get an immediate sense of the retiring nature of your character from your first few chapters. I like the doughnut snatching. Just a hint of something else... (broken from her thoughts) I wasn't sure about this phrase. It sounded a little bit manufactured, and because of that it stopped me reading, which in my experience is never a good thing. I think this is a kind of trap writers fall into, me too, where we hunt so hard for an exceptional turn of words we lose the flow. I would go for the double double space when you move to a new point of view, or some other signal to the reader that there is a switch up ahead. Matt of course is very intriguing with the hint of vulnerability shown through his near attack. Also something of a man on the move, or is that man on the run. He's peaked my interest. Some lovely writing here.
Hi, we get an immediate sense of the retiring nature of your character from your first few chapters. I like the doughnut snatching. Just a hint of something else... (broken from her thoughts) I wasn't sure about this phrase. It sounded a little bit manufactured, and because of that it stopped me reading, which in my experience is never a good thing. I think this is a kind of trap writers fall into, me too, where we hunt so hard for an exceptional turn of words we lose the flow. I would go for the double double space when you move to a new point of view, or some other signal to the reader that there is a switch up ahead. Matt of course is very intriguing with the hint of vulnerability shown through his near attack. Also something of a man on the move, or is that man on the run. He's peaked my interest. Some lovely writing here.
7/22/2013 c4 Jester79
I really enjoyed Matt's note to Frieda - when you've been out of the dating scene for as long as he has, it's kind of neat to see the steps he's taking to get to know her. I also appreciate the interaction between Frieda and her mother, showing the conflict she has regarding her feelings towards her mother - it makes it difficult to continue with the visits knowing that no emotion will be shown with your arrival.
I really enjoyed Matt's note to Frieda - when you've been out of the dating scene for as long as he has, it's kind of neat to see the steps he's taking to get to know her. I also appreciate the interaction between Frieda and her mother, showing the conflict she has regarding her feelings towards her mother - it makes it difficult to continue with the visits knowing that no emotion will be shown with your arrival.
7/21/2013 c4 1k+Faithless Juliet
As with the last chapter I enjoyed the character building aspects on this end. Like Matt, Frieda is a complicated character and I like the layering effect that you are using with both of them. I think it says a lot about Frieda that she still continues to visit her mother despite all of the pain of her past. I also feel like Frieda is very tightly bound inside, and her earlier hostility towards Matt makes more sense now.
I think the story (and the romance angle) is progressing nicely. As I mentioned in the review for chapter two I think those early foundation moments were a bit hasty and not as smooth as they could have been, but what the led into i.e. the coffee scene/Ms. Ellen/Matt and the doc all made good transitions. I'm excited to see what happens next. Keep up the good work.
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietAs with the last chapter I enjoyed the character building aspects on this end. Like Matt, Frieda is a complicated character and I like the layering effect that you are using with both of them. I think it says a lot about Frieda that she still continues to visit her mother despite all of the pain of her past. I also feel like Frieda is very tightly bound inside, and her earlier hostility towards Matt makes more sense now.
I think the story (and the romance angle) is progressing nicely. As I mentioned in the review for chapter two I think those early foundation moments were a bit hasty and not as smooth as they could have been, but what the led into i.e. the coffee scene/Ms. Ellen/Matt and the doc all made good transitions. I'm excited to see what happens next. Keep up the good work.
Juliet.
7/21/2013 c3 Faithless Juliet
Something I noticed throughout the last three chapters is that your paragraph breaks are a bit messed up - this could be a fictionpress formatting error, which happens to me a lot, but here is an example: ""Mr. Bennet!" Mr. Kendall whined. Matt looked up, startled. "Yes?" " - this is all in one paragraph, but really it should look something like this:
"Mr. Bennet!" Mr. Kendall whined.
Matt looked up, startled. "Yes?"
- two separate lines/paragraphs. This will be easier for the reader to better connect with who is speaking. As is I have to slow the read, or break read to make sure I have the right words in the right characters mouth.
Besides that, I like the character development that we get with Matt's character in this chapter. Obviously he has his demons, which I'm sure will manifest as the story progresses. We've also seen his feisty side when he interacts with Frieda, but I like the softer, nurturing nature that we see when he cares for Ms. Ellen. I thought those moments were very touching and real, and I think it adds a whole new unexpected layer to his characterization.
Juliet.
Something I noticed throughout the last three chapters is that your paragraph breaks are a bit messed up - this could be a fictionpress formatting error, which happens to me a lot, but here is an example: ""Mr. Bennet!" Mr. Kendall whined. Matt looked up, startled. "Yes?" " - this is all in one paragraph, but really it should look something like this:
"Mr. Bennet!" Mr. Kendall whined.
Matt looked up, startled. "Yes?"
- two separate lines/paragraphs. This will be easier for the reader to better connect with who is speaking. As is I have to slow the read, or break read to make sure I have the right words in the right characters mouth.
Besides that, I like the character development that we get with Matt's character in this chapter. Obviously he has his demons, which I'm sure will manifest as the story progresses. We've also seen his feisty side when he interacts with Frieda, but I like the softer, nurturing nature that we see when he cares for Ms. Ellen. I thought those moments were very touching and real, and I think it adds a whole new unexpected layer to his characterization.
Juliet.
7/21/2013 c2 Faithless Juliet
I don't know how I feel about an pure blood Italian with the last name of Bennet... it just doesn't sound culturally correct to me, although I understand the P&P connection that you were trying to make. Maybe explain these origins? It was (blank) but when they immigrated it was changed for convenience.
Some of the hostile flirtations felt a bit forced. I think an easy fix to smooth some of these interactions out would be to better explore these moments. Expand on the library and grocery store scene to better explain the ebbs and flow of their relationship.
Juliet.
I don't know how I feel about an pure blood Italian with the last name of Bennet... it just doesn't sound culturally correct to me, although I understand the P&P connection that you were trying to make. Maybe explain these origins? It was (blank) but when they immigrated it was changed for convenience.
Some of the hostile flirtations felt a bit forced. I think an easy fix to smooth some of these interactions out would be to better explore these moments. Expand on the library and grocery store scene to better explain the ebbs and flow of their relationship.
Juliet.