for Trinity: 200312/6/2021 c1 
2SidneyVisser
This looks like am amazing story, but if I had to add something; I would've made the paragraphs a bit shorter. (it is much easier to reed that way)
2SidneyVisserThis looks like am amazing story, but if I had to add something; I would've made the paragraphs a bit shorter. (it is much easier to reed that way)
10/6/2014 c32 JaveHarron
First of all, I'd like to say I'm genuinely interested in these characters and this story. The writing quality is great, your vocab is also top notch, and your setting details are also cool. If there is one thing I'd criticize, is that while you've captured a 'slice of life' type feeling, the problem is that the plot may drag at times, and you sometimes oscillate between creatures of the week (like the warlock, shapeshifters, etc.) and the meta-plot of the Seven Sins. Despite the prophecy being important to the plot, there's rarely anything on it, aside from that being an excuse for our characters to get together. There's also the fact the ending feels rather anti-climatic (as you've mentioned) but I found another issue. After realizing what they're truly up against, they don't discuss tactics or methods they might use to empower themselves or enemy weaknesses with (or even start fearing for each other), but instead lull themselves into a seemingly temporary comfort over the holidays. Why wouldn't supernatural creatures target their families and loved ones, for instance?
First of all, I'd like to say I'm genuinely interested in these characters and this story. The writing quality is great, your vocab is also top notch, and your setting details are also cool. If there is one thing I'd criticize, is that while you've captured a 'slice of life' type feeling, the problem is that the plot may drag at times, and you sometimes oscillate between creatures of the week (like the warlock, shapeshifters, etc.) and the meta-plot of the Seven Sins. Despite the prophecy being important to the plot, there's rarely anything on it, aside from that being an excuse for our characters to get together. There's also the fact the ending feels rather anti-climatic (as you've mentioned) but I found another issue. After realizing what they're truly up against, they don't discuss tactics or methods they might use to empower themselves or enemy weaknesses with (or even start fearing for each other), but instead lull themselves into a seemingly temporary comfort over the holidays. Why wouldn't supernatural creatures target their families and loved ones, for instance?
10/6/2014 c25 JaveHarron
Okay, your chapter's got the solid characterization and writing of other chapters, but there's an annoying issue I noticed here. There's continual breaking of the fourth wall, and I don't think it's meant to contribute much to the story, as the reference of "I" in narration has not been used before (to my recollection). I think that can easily be edited out in later versions, if that was unintentional.
Okay, your chapter's got the solid characterization and writing of other chapters, but there's an annoying issue I noticed here. There's continual breaking of the fourth wall, and I don't think it's meant to contribute much to the story, as the reference of "I" in narration has not been used before (to my recollection). I think that can easily be edited out in later versions, if that was unintentional.
10/6/2014 c21 JaveHarron
Okay, the chemistry between the three is getting quite interesting, especially with regards to a recent revelation. Still, not sure how/if vampires fit into your story, aside from being random creatures that dislike werewolves. What I do like, though, is your vampires seem more like a sentient disease, creatures like Orlok, than the glam vampires of recent popular culture. Looking forwards to reading more.
Okay, the chemistry between the three is getting quite interesting, especially with regards to a recent revelation. Still, not sure how/if vampires fit into your story, aside from being random creatures that dislike werewolves. What I do like, though, is your vampires seem more like a sentient disease, creatures like Orlok, than the glam vampires of recent popular culture. Looking forwards to reading more.
10/5/2014 c18 JaveHarron
Okay, one question I keep having about the story here. I'm assuming your characters are all teenagers here, about 16-17 in age. You might have mentioned that earlier, but I forget. So how the heck can they keep getting into night clubs and getting booze without ID or the like? I know they've got magical powers, but them repeatedly doing it seems rather odd. Plus, most nightclubs are less ceaseless partying of young people and more drunks (of all ages and levels of attractive/unattractiveness) falling over each other on a dance floor. Then again, this is a supernatural story, so perhaps I shouldn't think about that too much.
Okay, one question I keep having about the story here. I'm assuming your characters are all teenagers here, about 16-17 in age. You might have mentioned that earlier, but I forget. So how the heck can they keep getting into night clubs and getting booze without ID or the like? I know they've got magical powers, but them repeatedly doing it seems rather odd. Plus, most nightclubs are less ceaseless partying of young people and more drunks (of all ages and levels of attractive/unattractiveness) falling over each other on a dance floor. Then again, this is a supernatural story, so perhaps I shouldn't think about that too much.
10/4/2014 c16 JaveHarron
Finally about halfway. This chapter was a fairly lengthy one, with the traveling and such. The thing I found especially cool here was your chemistry/tension between Eric and Ryan. They're clearly enjoying this, and hoping this kind of dynamic continues. My only feedback so far is that this chapter seems substantially longer than the prior one, and it took longer than I thought to read it. Perhaps if you could upload these longer chapters in smaller chunks?
Finally about halfway. This chapter was a fairly lengthy one, with the traveling and such. The thing I found especially cool here was your chemistry/tension between Eric and Ryan. They're clearly enjoying this, and hoping this kind of dynamic continues. My only feedback so far is that this chapter seems substantially longer than the prior one, and it took longer than I thought to read it. Perhaps if you could upload these longer chapters in smaller chunks?
10/1/2014 c14 JaveHarron
Okay, Eric's definitely a wild card, but he's got a strange vibe about him. In this chapter in particular, the descriptions of the main threat were the highlight of it for me. Cool monsters are always good, especially when they've got some body horror elements included. As far as the previous chapters to these go, I'm enjoying finally getting some explanation, although the fusion of two separate mythologies gives me questions (in a good way). Still, I think your take on cupids is the most bad ass I've seen 'em. I really like Connor, although all three of your characters are great.
Okay, Eric's definitely a wild card, but he's got a strange vibe about him. In this chapter in particular, the descriptions of the main threat were the highlight of it for me. Cool monsters are always good, especially when they've got some body horror elements included. As far as the previous chapters to these go, I'm enjoying finally getting some explanation, although the fusion of two separate mythologies gives me questions (in a good way). Still, I think your take on cupids is the most bad ass I've seen 'em. I really like Connor, although all three of your characters are great.
10/1/2014 c11 838Jave Harron
Okay, the chapter had some fun drama between the main trio, as well as the funny school play. The thing that really got me, though, was the introduction and description at the ending. It's fairly solid and makes me want to keep reading. Your high standard and quality output continue, and I grab my attention.
838Jave HarronOkay, the chapter had some fun drama between the main trio, as well as the funny school play. The thing that really got me, though, was the introduction and description at the ending. It's fairly solid and makes me want to keep reading. Your high standard and quality output continue, and I grab my attention.
9/29/2014 c10 JaveHarron
Really liked this chapter here. You had a great sense of danger and menace here, as well as showcasing the chemistry between all your cast. The writing is excellent in terms of creative language and metaphors, and your dialogue grants each character a distinctive voice. Still, I'd have liked a bit more detail about "Hell." Looking forward to reading more!
Really liked this chapter here. You had a great sense of danger and menace here, as well as showcasing the chemistry between all your cast. The writing is excellent in terms of creative language and metaphors, and your dialogue grants each character a distinctive voice. Still, I'd have liked a bit more detail about "Hell." Looking forward to reading more!
9/27/2014 c9 JaveHarron
Hell of a cliffhanger for me to end on for the day. Your writing gets better in the later chapters, in terms of vivid descriptions, distinctive voices for the characters, and creative elements. While I can't identify much in the way of plot holes, I do notice something that's been bugging me. If Ryan's regularly threatened by demons and supernatural threats and he's got that Book, does he not think to familiarize himself with the various types of them and their tactics? Then again, he is a teenager who just fell into his powers and is still learning about them.
Hell of a cliffhanger for me to end on for the day. Your writing gets better in the later chapters, in terms of vivid descriptions, distinctive voices for the characters, and creative elements. While I can't identify much in the way of plot holes, I do notice something that's been bugging me. If Ryan's regularly threatened by demons and supernatural threats and he's got that Book, does he not think to familiarize himself with the various types of them and their tactics? Then again, he is a teenager who just fell into his powers and is still learning about them.
9/27/2014 c8 JaveHarron
Okay, definitely liking Connor. The fight scene and strangeness in this chapter was awesome, as was the fight scene at the end. You definitely have a good blend of menace and confusion during the fight scenes, as it feels the characters are in danger, despite their abilities.
Okay, definitely liking Connor. The fight scene and strangeness in this chapter was awesome, as was the fight scene at the end. You definitely have a good blend of menace and confusion during the fight scenes, as it feels the characters are in danger, despite their abilities.
9/27/2014 c6 JaveHarron
Okay, you had a good dynamic fight here. The demon is smart, vicious, and makes full use of his powers. I do have a few comments though. Firstly, the writing was tight and well done, with very little in the way of errors or wasted narration. Second, Ryan picking a lock seemed a bit too easy (at least from someone who is familiar with it) and quick. But hey, he could use his X-ray vision to see the tumblers moving into place. X ray vision would be great for a mechanic or engineer, after all, which brings me to my third comment. I figure you used X-ray vision more just as Ryan's term for a supernatural ability allowing him to see through walls and clothes, but I doubt it was emitting X-rays. If he was, he'd have probably given poor Connor cancer and irradiated the poor fellow's room. From the description, it sounded more like terahertz vision (able to see past walls and clothes). Sorry to be nerdy with magi-techno babble, but after reading some of Charles Stross' Laundry, that kind of stuff is on my mind.
Okay, you had a good dynamic fight here. The demon is smart, vicious, and makes full use of his powers. I do have a few comments though. Firstly, the writing was tight and well done, with very little in the way of errors or wasted narration. Second, Ryan picking a lock seemed a bit too easy (at least from someone who is familiar with it) and quick. But hey, he could use his X-ray vision to see the tumblers moving into place. X ray vision would be great for a mechanic or engineer, after all, which brings me to my third comment. I figure you used X-ray vision more just as Ryan's term for a supernatural ability allowing him to see through walls and clothes, but I doubt it was emitting X-rays. If he was, he'd have probably given poor Connor cancer and irradiated the poor fellow's room. From the description, it sounded more like terahertz vision (able to see past walls and clothes). Sorry to be nerdy with magi-techno babble, but after reading some of Charles Stross' Laundry, that kind of stuff is on my mind.
9/27/2014 c5 JaveHarron
Okay, you're off to a fairly solid start here. You've given us the hint of action with the earlier vision, but it seems Ryan is more casually easing into his powers. To his credit, he's reading up on weirdness and the occult, but there's obviously a lot he doesn't still know. His teenage ego might be overestimating just how capable he truly is, of course.
Okay, you're off to a fairly solid start here. You've given us the hint of action with the earlier vision, but it seems Ryan is more casually easing into his powers. To his credit, he's reading up on weirdness and the occult, but there's obviously a lot he doesn't still know. His teenage ego might be overestimating just how capable he truly is, of course.
9/27/2014 c3 JaveHarron
Okay, you've got a nice line that grabbed me when I finished the chapter here. If there was one thing I'd comment on, it would be a name like Connor Virtue. The first name seems fairly standard, but the second one?
Okay, you've got a nice line that grabbed me when I finished the chapter here. If there was one thing I'd comment on, it would be a name like Connor Virtue. The first name seems fairly standard, but the second one?
9/26/2014 c2 Jave Harron
Okay, you've introduced your other two main characters, and I like Lilith so far. Still, she seems supernaturally "attractive" although your comment about having a strong back made me chuckle. The writing in this chapter seemed slightly more descriptive and well done than your intro, and I liked the gym class setting. Good work.
Okay, you've introduced your other two main characters, and I like Lilith so far. Still, she seems supernaturally "attractive" although your comment about having a strong back made me chuckle. The writing in this chapter seemed slightly more descriptive and well done than your intro, and I liked the gym class setting. Good work.