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for Trinity: 2003

9/26/2014 c1 632Jave Harron
Okay, seems like a fairly solid beginning here, but a few things. I noticed a number of spelling or grammatical errors, but for the most part, those were absent. Secondly, you spend a lot of time on description and setting up your scene and characters. I think that's awesome, but a few ways that could be improved: more similes/metaphors, slightly more dynamic language, and of course, more adjectives from our main character's point of view. Ryan just accepts being a witch? No innate rejection of that nor even a long lost realization of the impossible unfolding before him? Also, there is little feeling of menace posed by the demon, but that can easily be remedied. Also, Ryan himself could use a bit of work as far as dialogue goes, to give him a more distinct 'voice.' That said, I think reading some China Mieville, HP Lovecraft, and Clark Ashton Smith can do wonders for vivid language. Hope that helps.
9/16/2014 c17 4CUintheair
This chapter was great! The past few with Eric had a very different feel to them, almost like they were from a different book, but this one was like coming back to familiarity. All of the little jokes and sweet moments between Ryan and Connor were there, and were wonderful, and the butterfly battle was amazingly visual and terrifying and then so very suddenly it was lovely and nice. You have consistently displayed, since the first chapter, a skill with shifting gears and it was particularly evident in this chapter. You can turn a situation on its head in a single line without getting the reader lost, and that's difficult to do.
The big thing I'd like to say about this chapter was that it was nice to have Ryan, Connor, and Lilith (though she wasn't here very much this time) together again.
But what was the secret riddle that Lilith got at the beginning?! I'm dying to know! Therefore I will jump to the next chapter!
9/4/2014 c16 CUintheair
Oh my goodness Lilith is going to kill Eric when she meets him. He is so much fun to read, and I should dislike him for being a bad, bad irresponsible influence of Ryan, but he's just too fun to hate!
I loved this chapter, and the last, but from a plot perspective they might not be entirely necessary. Unless you tie Eric in to the fight against the seven deadly sins, which you may well do. I do hope that we see more of Connor and Lilith in upcoming chapters (I'm starting to miss them!), but it was nice seeing Ryan just being a rowdy teenager for a little while.
I loved the part about the clone, and it was such a perfect explanation as to what Lilith fought with last chapter.
Lastly, Ryan's reaction to remembering Friday night was the perfect mix of guilt and shame.
9/4/2014 c15 CUintheair
Alrighty then! I don't know what to make of this chapter! Well, I know that Eric is not a good influence (to put it mildly). He supernaturally roofied Ryan, and this was crazy! I liked how you used the time-skips and breaks in this chapter, as it added to the disjointed confusion that Ryan and Lilith were feeling. It was subtle, and nicely done. Now I have to read the next chapter to find out more!
9/4/2014 c14 CUintheair
Hmm... I'm not sure if I trust this Eric character. Trust or not, I like him though. He's hilarious! This chapter was insanity to read (in the best of ways). It jumped from grotesquely horrifying blob creature to ridiculously entertaining Eric to romantic tension to action moments. Basically it was crazy awesome, and I love the wild card element of Eric. Why didn't he show up correctly in Ryan's premonition? Why does he have sharp teeth? What were those faceless demons up to, and why was Eric waiting in the wings to help Ryan? So many questions that make me extremely excited for the next chapter!
I was worried when I started reading this, as most stories with such high word counts have dragging paces or extraneous filler chapters, but you pack so much excitement into each paragraph and pace things so well that I feel silly for doubting you.
You told me to look out for plot-holes, but again I'm at a loss. My only slight nit-pick is that I hope there is an explanation as to why Ryan's premontion wasn't exact, since all of his previous ones were.
Lastly, great job on making each character incredibly unique from the jump. All of your characters are awesome, but it amazes me how much of their personality you introduce immediately.
8/28/2014 c13 CUintheair
I thought this was a nicely interesting chaper, and I like the explanation about why Connor doesn't like Mr. Paragon that much. I've been wondering if there was some subconscious reasoning behind why Lilith takes issue with Connor beyond her territorial nature for Ryan, so now that I know certain magical creatures can have automated prejudices I'm running on the theory that Slayers just don't like Cupids. It might be completely wrong, but that's okay. It's my theory. :)
My one issue was Paragon's use of the word "hardcore". It felt weird as it was much more informal than the rest of his dialogue.
WHY does that last little bit seem so ominous? I almost jumped straight to the next chapter without reviewing because I was so excited to see who this guy is and why Ryan is talking to him! It's a sign of how wonderfully you've developed these characters that as I'm reading I worry about their safety, smile at their accomplishments, and grimace at their pain.
Excellent so far, no plot holes or major issues, great action sequences and some really funny dialogue.
8/25/2014 c12 CUintheair
Okay, I did know the story of the Sphinx's riddle, but your expansion of it was phenomenal! Ryan disappearing is turning into a bit of a habit, and it made me shake my head. I loved the little patch of summer, and the giant tree, and just all of your narration. The way you describe these fantastical settings is just so vibrant and detailed and it makes this whole story really stand out. Some people aren't fond of detail-heavy reading, but personally I think it's wonderful. One nit-pick, though this may be my own ignorance: you mentioned that the tree was 40'? I'm assuming by the apostrophe that it's in feet, or I could be under the false impression that the British (English? I don't know which one is preferred) would type "40m" for meters. If it's meters then ignore my lack of culture, but if it's feet then it's actually a very short tree. Redwood trees are giants and they get to be 300-400 feet (121 meters) tall, so if this was a supernaturally big Godzilla tree then it'd be at least that big. The fact of the matter is I've got no critique or criticism of this chapter besides the questioning of this one infintesimal detail. Also I'm dying to know who this mystery all-knowing guy is!
8/25/2014 c11 CUintheair
Goodness, I asked if the mystery man was returning, and lo and behold here he is! This was a good chapter, it felt like a nice big breath of air after a long run. Since that last chapter was so intense, it was great to see them try to fall back into their daily paces. One thing I meant to point out earlier, though it slipped my mind, was that you seem to have the same issue I do with capitalizations. It wasn't apparent in this chapter, but at times you capitalize important words for emphasis which is not technically correct. I do it all the time myself, actually. In your description of the story you refer to Lilith as a "Powerhouse Slayer" where 'powerhouse' should be in lowercase. It's a nit-picky issue, but in all honesty it's the only one I can find at the moment. Your plot is enthralling and your characters are fun, well-developed, and incredibly consistant. Lastly, I loved the bit about the pillow troll!
8/25/2014 c10 CUintheair
Well you warned me this was a long one, but boy howdy it still managed to catch me off-guard. Wonderful, amazing, exciting chapter... but it probably should be broken into separate, smaller chapters. I loved the way they worked spells together, and every time there's an interaction with Connor and Lilith I end up laughing. Your description of the cage breaking apart was very unique and fantastic, and the way the three of them worked together felt so seamless. I loved the nameless "I know everything" guy, and I hope we see more of him, but there were some slip-ups in his section. Parts of it were written in first person, which actually could be really cool if he's the narrator and I can't think of any instances of narrators giving cameos (particularly third person omniscient), but it switched between "he/him/the demon" and "I/me/mine" (points for recognizing the song reference) so it read a bit stiltedly. All in all, though this was a thrilling chapter and I had to hide a squeal as it became apparent that the Trinity has well and truly been formed!
8/24/2014 c9 CUintheair
Holy cow, that was intense! Funny enough, there's a similar situation in my story with a cage and spiked handcuffs, but that's beside the point. Connor's a bit tougher than I'd originally given him credit for, going against Lilith after she whupped him sideways. I was actually cheering the guy on during that verbal warfare session. This was an amazing chapter, but I do have one thing to point out. It seems like there was a paragraph (about the construction worker at the bus stop) that I've read in a previous chapter. I want to say the second chapter? So either it was originally there and you moved it here or vice-versa, but it seemed very nearly verbatim the same so I'm assuming it was an editing oopsie. If not, then there's no need for it to be rehashed here. Maybe cut it to a sentence saying that they exchanged their daily acknowledgment, but the readers will remember him well enough.
Aside from that holy cow that's just a crazy chapter and now I have to read the next one!
8/24/2014 c8 CUintheair
I love the way you're weaving all of these different pieces together. You've got very believable, imperfect characters; but the best part is that their flaws are justified to the reader. It's difficult to achieve a cohesive third person omniscient perspective, and you've done it. Your fight scene was very good, and I wound up just shaking my head and laughing at how Lilith's protectiveness for Ryan managed to be sweet while she was pummeling Connor.
I do like the balance you've struck between character scenes and action scenes. It gives it more of a book feel than an online feel, if that makes sense. I know I'm trying to give constructive criticism, but for this chapter I've got nothing but good things to say.
8/24/2014 c7 CUintheair
I like Conner's attitude in this. He has the proper freak-out at first, but he reaches a very funny point of just rolling with the crazy train. I also like that this chapter and its predecessor have started to really get the ball rolling.
Also, I may have interpreted this wrong, but I like the fact that each of the three characters start the story at a different point in their understandings of themselves. It's interesting from a character development point and it stops the plot from getting bogged down with three different people going through identity crisis 'wth am i?' stuff.
8/23/2014 c6 CUintheair
This. It's like you're a mind reader, and as soon as I started wondering when there'd be an action scene, you delivered it beautifully. You really seem to understand your characters and how they think, and Ryan's actions and thoughts throughout this scene were so well done and it was funny and exciting and well written.
I know you mentioned that this was still in the editorial stages, and I prefer not to repeat myself so this will be my last mention of it, but once this has been polished up and proofread it really could pass for something published. It's definitely a big read (I made a bit of a face when I saw your word count) and some people are going to shy away from it because of that, but so far I'm genuinely enjoying it.
8/23/2014 c5 CUintheair
It was very nice to see more of Conner, as he's not been featured as much as the other two. He's a very likeable character, and I was wondering when we'd get inside his head again. There's a big feeling of suspense you've got simmering here, and you've done a good job of keeping it present without bashing it over the reader's head, but at this point I just can't wait for the plot to start heavy-hitting so to speak.
8/23/2014 c4 CUintheair
This chapter showed another great interaction between Ryan and Lilith and I loved it, but I'm very excited by the slight cliffhanger ending. You've set the stage for big things, and though I like the little teaser plot points you've given, I can't wait to see where everything's heading. In fact the only issue I had in this was Lilith's anger with her mother. It's a perfect reaction for her character (and pretty much any teenager whose parent is frustrated) but the older I get the more I find myself siding with the parent and thinking that the teen's anger is unjustified. That's neither here nor there, though.
Now I have to read the next chapter because I just have to know more about this mystery sword-print!
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