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for Trinity: 2003

8/23/2014 c3 4CUintheair
Okay, so I have to say that I love the way you make it absolutely clear when you're changing POVs or time-skipping. It's a little thing, but so many people on this site don't do it and it turns things into a mess, so thank you for it. You've done a great job of really building these characters in a short space of time, and they are all very different and very likeable and just plain well done. As far as characters and plot go I've no complaints so far and it's an enjoyable read to boot. As I mentioned in the first chapter, it needs proofreading as there are errors, but none of them are deal-breakers.
By the way I absolutely loved the part with Ryan and his love of keys. It was beautiful and unique and managed to be deep without being heavy handed and this is me giving you a slow clap for being amazing.
8/21/2014 c2 CUintheair
Again, I very much enjoyed your descriptive language and the unique tone you've created for this but you asked for my opinion on characters and plotlines so that's what I'm going to focus on this time. Lilith is awesome, flat out. You managed to make her very three dimensional in a very short time, and I loved how she went from lively and excited in her interaction with Ryan to complete disreguard for her other classmates. It said a lot about her. I also like the very subtle way you introduce the fact that she has powers of some sort as well. Since Ryan's were brought up so openly, with a big demon fight scene, it was nice to have such a different reveal for hers. Very good job on this chapter, and I'm excited to read the next!
8/21/2014 c1 CUintheair
This is interesting. I like the way you balanced the old-school narrative tone and the modern setting, it's quite hard to do. I also really like how you managed to set up an awful lot of information without giving away too much of the plot. You've got a lovely writing style, and though some people might be intimidated by the level of description I think it works well for this. That being said, it needs some polishing. Throughout this chapter there were rough spots that showed where you'd changed your wording. Things like "A woman dressed in the finest silk stood was bent down" made it a little hard to stay in the flow of the story itself, but as far as issues go it's a minor problem and an easy fix. I loved the way you describe things here, but in particular I loved the way you described how Ryan's eyes changed colors and how Calumn sort of forged himself from the shadows. It's engrossing and fantastic. Ryan's personality seems pretty well developed for being so early on, but I do hope we get more physical description and backstory later. Actually, I'm feeling pretty confident in your storytelling already, so I'm sure my hopes won't be for nothing.
Basically, it's very good so far. :)
8/16/2014 c14 1Bennito
I really liked this chapter! The dream and the demon ritual gave it a very eerie feeling that pulls in the reader, and Eric is an interesting character.
The only thing I'd have to say is that in the second line of Ryan's dream, you used the word 'bodies' twice in the same sentence, and it would've given it a better rhythm if you had used a different word for the second 'bodies'. I don't know, but I noticed that.
Keep up the amazing work!
8/6/2014 c31 LaylaHarcourt
The writing is very interesting and descriptive and the story itself is great. I find myself loving the characters and wanting to know more about them. One thing I noticed was that you make it very clear as to who's - who, leaving no place for confusion on the readers part. You can really see that a lot of thinking was put into the story, and with the amount of effort it must have taken the author to get it to this point, I hope it gains much more recognition.
7/18/2014 c1 7Tando88
Hey, looks like I can send reviews while away from a computer, thank you Apple.
So, holy moly, just this first chapter alone has given me a lot to say. I'm gonna hold off on a lot of it for now because like I said, it's the first chapter, and there hasn't been a lot of establishment. To start off, you've been working on this story for a year (possibly more) and have received little to none of the recognition that you clearly deserve. Your style of lush detail and vivid adjectives makes me feel like I'm reading a series of paintings, but often I feel like it can get a little too detailed, while other areas feel a bit unexplained. It's a mystical setting (jumping in and out of reality, sudden location changes) so there's going to be a heavy need for exposition, but the key is to find the right amount of details needed to explain the scenario so the reader can understand and it's still as vibrant as you make it to be. Also, some of the language used is a bit uncommon/unfamiliar, but that might be due to our difference in region (thank goodness for ). In conclusion, great writing, trim the exposition just a little bit and you'll be on your way.
3/1/2014 c14 3Mercury78
Not a bad story! Surprised it hasn't gotten any attention yet. The characters are pretty likable and your action sequences are pretty solid. You should describe events in more detail i.e. how settings look and character's reactions. Also - and this isn't a complaint, just something to note - your story is getting pretty long word-wise. You write in VERY big paragraphs, which may be foreboding for your everyday reader. Keep up the good work, ol' chap!
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