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8/15/2013 c1 Marie Shadows
1. Don't bold everything. Untold everything to make it easier for the reader. Holding isn't a style choice. Bold, italic, and underline have different uses. Please look them up for your knowledge.

2. Don't be sophiscated. You are trying to hard and the writing comes off as amateurish. The first paragraph doesn't make sense and reef ore I deduce that your whole work doesn't make sense. Let's examine it shall we?
You don't scrunch your eyes. You scrunch your face. Eyes burning ferociously is the wrong word to use. Just say: eyes burn. When you put an adverb: ferociously, it adds more power to the picture and your sentence. You do not need that much power when simplify is best.

3. Don't use a lot of adverbs. Advers are those that end in-ly. You use it as a crutch. You can use it but sparsely. It makes your writing weak when you have to modify every verb or noun to convey whatever it is your trying to do.

4. PROOFREAD! How can anyone take you serious if you don't proofread? You should know how to proofread, if not look it up. This also means to remember to type every word. You've left some words out.

5. TOO MANY POVs! Stick to one or two. If there are multiples than divide them into their own chapters.

6. First person POV(using the pronoun I) doesn't work for you. Probably try thrid person POV (he and she). First person tends to be chatty. To learn how to do this best is reading fantasy books like Game of Thrones.

7. You have a lot to learn.

8. Check out my story when you get the chance. Hoped I helped.
7/22/2013 c1 2Ghostlingx
Jaw drops everywhere! lol.

Props to you. Good job on the story. Though there are a few tips I can give you to step up your writing.

First, make sure you catch all minor mistakes in your stories. To catch these errors, read your story out loud once your done. For example, some where early on in the story, you used a when you should have used I .

Second, make a new line every time different characters talk. Trust me, it helps the reader out a lot, and its grammatically correct to do it this way. For example...
Hi,said Bob.
Hi,said Jewey.

Third, dont bold the entire story. Dont old all of it because it takes away from the emphasis effect that could be used.

Fourth. Because this is a story based around being a SECERET agent, try adding in some itty bitty details like hiding the principals body when she shot her. The addition of the silencer was nice though.

Fifth. This is sci-fi not fantasy, so try keeping the story and the characters abilities reasonable. For example, I didnt really like the fact that the agents could run forever and smell a trail.

Anyways, I hope I hoped! )

If you do continue reading my story, please give me long ass reviews that help me improve!
7/11/2013 c1 14Demon75789
Pretty Good.

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