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for The Tyrilian

8/27/2013 c3 11Kay Iscah
(heh, I copied this to read off line, and ended up lumping my review of the Prologue and Chapter 1 together...so the first was intended to apply to both.)

None of the characters rang true in this chapter (except maybe the king). Domlin seems like the world's worst ambassador. There's no indication he has the patience or negotiation skills needed for the job.

Irvin... the blue eyes indicate he's Erlich or related to Erlich (another believed dead son?)...but it makes one wonder how much time has passed since the prologue/first chapter

It seems like someone of Domlin's rank would "send for" guys like these rather than go to them, but the whole fight is essentially excuse to get Irvin ingratiated.

I think that's what bothered me. It just seemed like a lame reason to kill two men, particularly when it could be easily avoided by Domlin flashing his badge.

If we're supposed to be sympathetic to any of these fellows, it might work better to replace the sailors with a gang who attacks Domlin for his purse...maybe outside the bar. Drunk Irvin can stagger up first, with Corval and Pragor running out when they hear the noise.

Or, they could even be a group sent to undermine the negotiation...or who decides to stick it to the king by taking out the ambassador...lots of options. But killing two men because they weren't eager to give up their seats at a nod seems excessively blood thirsty.

Corval and Pragor obviously know this is a bodyguard type gig, so it seems odd they would run out of the tavern without the man they're getting hired to protect. You would think it would be habit by now.
8/27/2013 c1 Kay Iscah
In general this is well written, but you have an odd way of breaking paragraphs that makes the dialogue hard to follow. I'd highly recommend keeping the speakers actions in the same paragraph as the dialogue and breaking before other characters react.

Erlich clearly ties back in, but unless Bagrinus factors into the story later, I'd consider cutting his scene. You never even name the killer, so other than letting us know some blond is kind of evil, it doesn't seem to move plot forward.

The meeting hall is different. It sets the stage and introduces several characters which I strongly suspect will be major players as the story unfolds... but I'm not convinced either needs to be set off as a prologue. The counsel scene is long enough to stand alone as a first chapter. In my mind a prologue should never be longer than a page or two.

Grammar is fairly solid. I'll send you a few nitpick notes.
8/18/2013 c1 1Loraine Wentworth
The first thing I noticed about this and something I really like about it is that it has a definable sense of style- I can't really describe what I mean by that, other than that the text seems well balanced with the right amount of description but without being too wordy.

All in all, I really enjoyed this. I love high fantasy, specially when the setting is as immersive as this. Although there is a lot of information in the second part of this chapter, it was still very interesting. I feel I now have a sense of the main character and his life, so I'll be looking forward to finding out what happens to him next.

One thing you could do to improve it further,though, is to think about varying sentence length. Sometimes I noticed that several sentences in a para are all the same length. You could give it a bit more 'impact' by sometimes using a very short sentence in amidst sentences consisting of more than 1 clause, for example.

A few specific thoughts:

Bagrinus looked on in horror as the solitary, white carrier pigeon dove for the opening. [I really like this. I was pretty worried here for a moment that he'd lose the pigeon- you give this seemingly ordinary thing a really nice amount of urgency that adds to the overall dramatic tension. It makes what comes next extra shocking!]

the languid discourse of polite debate echoing throughout the great hall at Alemir [Good, original description]

– the Lathian barony which bordered both Vetria and Mal'Drasta – [I think you could do without this aside. You can mention this information later- there is already a lot to take in here. We can guess from the context that Tolfort has a stake in the proceedings, and I think your description of his expression is more dramatic without the aside. The reader picks up his feelings from his description, and that will make them curious/feel clever that they have worked out his feelings from it!]

Erlich took a deep breath – commanding men on the battlements [A semi colon might be better than a dash here,but as you know, I am obsessed with colons!]

He thought of Everis, [I found this paragraph a bit confusing. Is there one mother, or two? Given the amount of information in this chapter, you could consider leaving this bit out until a later chapter.]

He raised his hands to his head, running callused fingers through his long brown hair. [I like this way of working in a description of him, without having to be too overt.]

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