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for Here We Go Again!

7/31/2013 c3 deadaccount2019
Once again I have to say that Evie comes across as a very believable character. From the start you can almost feel her disappointment mounting, and her sudden shift in attention to Aiden felt like a natural defense mechanism.

Once again I love her friendship with Aiden, and this kind of worries me. I think at this point it could very easily turn into a love triangle, which is of course a popular device in the romance genre and honestly I kind of like them. But triangles tend to make it too easy to turn once-beloved characters into total butt holes (*coughjacobcough*) simply for the sake of drama and pushing the protagonist toward the other love interest. Now that of course isn't always the case, but if the plan is to use a triangle and have the characters evolve, I'd have to say just be careful not to go overboard in pushing Evie one way or the other (or completely changing the characters all together). (Btw, if a triangle is not in the plan, completely disregard this little quasi-rant :) . )

The only negative thing I can say for the end of the chapter is that Evie didn't seem quite as upset as I imagine most people would be after being stood up and losing what probably wasn't an inexpensive meal. Other than that, though, I found myself feeling a sort of comfort that I imagine she was feeling as she started planning out her potential evening with Aiden. When she finally realizes she's run into Andrew, it stirred a sense of anticipation that really seemed to suit the situation.
7/31/2013 c2 deadaccount2019
More and more I'm finding Evie surprisingly realistic. Even the hodgepodge of lineage, which can sometimes come off as trying too hard to make a character interesting, didn't seem overdone. I think perhaps this is because you introduced her heritage along with someone of similar background.

The camaraderie between Evie and Aiden is adorable! I actually found it felt more natural than Evie's friendship with Melissa, and I have to admit that I'm really looking forward to getting to know Aiden.

Evie's explanation of her relationship with Andrew and her retrospective view of it was very easy to relate to. She really seems to fit her age in this respect; old enough to see her follies, but young enough to take another risk.
7/31/2013 c1 deadaccount2019
This is me being slightly nit-picky, but I think it would help to change "college" to "university" in the summary. Few college programs that I know of go beyond two years, so when it's mentioned that they've been dorm mates for eight semesters I had a "Whaaa?" moment. Again, it could be just me, but I found it somewhat distracting.

It feels as though focus on Evie is being avoided this chapter. Whether this was oversight or something intentional (perhaps setting up an emotional conflict between Evie and Melissa?) I can't really tell, but unless Melissa is going to play a heavy role throughout the story I don't think she needed quite as much attention as to mention the specific shade of her eyes. That being said, I do like that you've introduced the dynamics of their friendship.

From an objective pov, the hook is a bit weak. It did leave me with a bit of a sense of, "Why does this matter?" in the beginning. With that said, the second part of the chapter really caught my attention. The awkwardness of the conversation with Andrew was somewhat endearing, and I felt that this scene was much more realistic than the scene with Melissa, and for that reason I really want to continue reading.
7/30/2013 c2 4lookingwest
Opening - As far as an opening for a next chapter, I felt this opening was a little vague. Imagine if you're reading it as a novel, and you put a book marker in after chapter one and don't come back to the story for a couple days (on FP of course it can be even longer between chapters), but I felt that trying to recall what the phone conversation was that's mentioned in the first line was difficult - and if I was reading it in novel form, would require me to go back and re-fresh myself with chapter one, or just keep reading and hope that I figured it out or remembered it. I suppose this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I thought I'd point out that it doesn't really transition well from the last chapter - it almost feels like it *should be* in the first chapter. Hopefully that kind of makes sense. Maybe adding 'the phone conversation, which was about etc. etc.' would be more informative for readers coming back to your story.

Setting - I could maybe have used more on setting in both scenes. We don't really get a huge idea of what the cafe or place where they're drinking tea is in the first scene, and we don't get a detailed description of the lecture hall either. I guess I'm picturing it actually as a giant lecture hall, like how many would it fit? 200 people? 40 people? I was wondering where Evie was sitting in relation to Aiden too, since she slaps the back of his seat - does that mean she's sitting behind him or just next to him and reached? Do they use chalkboards or whiteboards in the front of the classroom? What is the technology like? Are the lights dim, etc. etc. There are a lot of details that could be worked into the conversation. I don't think you'd need to slow down to give us a really detailed paragraph or anything, but maybe working more in would give us a more concrete image of what we should be picturing. Unless any generic classroom would do, though I do think there's a difference between a lecture hall and a classroom and I wasn't sure which this was.

Relationships - I was really interested in Aiden during this chapter as far as characters because of his relationship with Evie. The two of them seem to prove very clearly that a boy and girl can be friends without any sex or romance involved in their relationship, so I liked that about what we've seen so far. I also thought Aiden came across as a character that might show some comic relief throughout the story, and that balances out Evie really well. Melissa was a good device to reveal more about Andrew in the first scene, and I thought their relationship was shown as quiet close. I think she's in chapter one too, so I liked the carry-over. You also pay attention to the roots of your characters on a geographical scale, which I think is unique. They really seem to come from all over the place and I liked seeing that diversity in their backgrounds and how close they are now.

Enjoyment - Just as a simple note about the end - I think you wouldn't have to actually translate "ipo" for us because Evie translates it in her last line of the chapter - a smart reader would be able to pick up the context clues, imo. But it's up to you obviously and having it there doesn't take anything away from the story, haha. I enjoyed this chapter because I thought overall it created a window into Evie's daily life, and we get to see her life before things might start to get shaky when this Andrew character appears. I also enjoyed it because I thought you showed a realistic portrayal of a college student and college life, and the inclusion of the classroom at the end scene was also good to show us the different types of classes that Evie is interested in. It also of course gave you a really good window into her own ethnicity and the ethnicity of Aiden, so you did a great job using that device to illuminate more about your characters in a way I enjoyed. Would be interested in reading more! I wonder what will happen with this Andrew character? :D
7/29/2013 c1 1Unxious Custard
Hi, I liked your title, which sounded like a good chick flick movie. I imagine the feeling is a common one to most young women. A nice beginning, with character's clearly defined within the first few paragraphs. ("Did you happen to see my –" "Under your nightstand," Evie cut off, returning back to her work.) A really brilliant bit of deductive work here on Evie's part. However, I would be tempted to leave out the word back, as returning to her work is all that is needed. Most of the writing is very clever, with an excellent mix of dialogue, text and description, but this one phrase caught my eye (that caught the breath in Evie's chest.) It seemed a little forced, as though you were seeking a definitive physcial reaction and went through the standard list of them. Perhaps caught at her next breath, or made her chest thump, or closed her windpile, or caused her to whistle through her teeth... The chest after all is the recepticle of both the heart and the lungs, and of course breathing is not solely the perogative of the lungs. On the contrary, I did really enjoy this sentence ( The weight of two years' worth of lost time settled onto her chest,) Here use of the word chest seemed to fit, as the burden of this conversation pressed against her. A really great read, from a writer who clearly knows what she (?) is doing. Brilliant.
7/21/2013 c4 23Love A Mysterious Thing
GREAT CHAPTER! I loved loved the sentence "Missing. She wrapped her mind around it, and then allowed it to sink into her stomach. It stayed there for a couple of moments, before taking root and creeping up and out through her limbs. With it came a sensation that hadn't stirred inside her for a long time." Worded spectacularly! Great, great write. can't wait to see what happens next.
7/19/2013 c2 5Dr. Self Destruct
I'm still wondering if there's maybe a memory or something you could use - nothing too in-depth, maybe just something brief - to put more weight and depth into Andrew's character or his relationship with Evie. I know it's still just the second chapter, and these chapters are rather short, but I'd still like something to make me more invested in this situation of Andrew coming to see Evie. As of right now he doesn't seem too threatening and the tension isn't very high. In fact I feel like Evie is just overreacting, so it's hard for me to sympathize with how she's feeling, which in turn makes it more difficult for me to be invested in her present situation. I think expanding more on the relationship between her and Andrew will help this. Like I said, it doesn't have to be anything in-depth, but some type of concrete detail of their friendship (or previous interactions) I think will make me more invested in the plot. You could easily do this through their phone conversation: Andrew brings something up that happened in the past, and Evie reflects on it really quickly or says something back to him regarding the same thing, sort of answering some questions the reader has in regards to their relationship.

The dialogue is really organic and smooth. I think you get across their ages really well, and I like the tension between them while they're talking. I do get a sense of awkwardness, too, which makes the situation feel really natural. The conversation also never drags or anything, so that's good, too.
7/18/2013 c4 1Wallflower.x
I love the friendship between Melissa and Evie. It's so natural and true to life. I also love the way you portray Evie as being strong within herself. Just thought I'd review to tell you that I really enjoyed this chapter :)
7/18/2013 c4 2little egret
Hello :) I'm reviewing this for the Review Game forum's depth thread.

The texting that you use in this chapter becomes a very good and modern technique that I never see when I read. Perhaps that's because I don't read a lot of YA or NA books, but I've always been curious about how writers should handle texting in novels, and this kind of quelled that curiosity. I think it works quite well here, and the technique of setting it in bold and in its own little paragraphs sets it apart. I'm wondering if the bold provides too much emphasis though - drawing the eye to the texts instead of the narrative? Perhaps considering italics might also work.

I thought the writing of this was very smooth and I found no spelling or grammar mistakes. Your sentence-by-sentence writing is very clear and well put together, and I think it created a wonderful flow throughout the chapter and became a refreshing read.

The way you describe time passing, like Evie reapplying her lip gloss, worked well for the pace too, without having to draw too long on the idea of a transition chapter to get to the end scene with her date. I didn't feel any part of this narrative was boring - which I think says something because not a whole lot happens and it's very real-life orientated. The pace never dragged.

Evie feels like a very laid back person, and I like that about her. She doesn't seem too upset or miffed that she was stood up, and even spins it in a positive way by getting her friend dinner. I liked her musings about having children - I feel the same way, way too much to do these days :) And I think it clearly says something about her what with waiting to have sex until she's ready. I think the most important thing is if you love that person deeply. She came across as very mature.

The ending actually has me curious as to what might happen now between Evie and the date that stood her up. I'm wondering if her calm demeanor might change or what her attitude might be like. The ending description - while I thought for a moment might be reaching too far for one paragraph, actually came together in the last few clauses :) I ended up really enjoying this. Thank you for the read.
7/17/2013 c2 1Wallflower.x
Hi! I really like your easy flow of dialogue and descriptions! Especially 'The sun was already well into the sky, but the campus was still carpeted in a thin veil of snow, a common snapshot of Connecticut in mid-February,' I could really picture it in my mind and found this description beautiful in a simple way, something I struggle with! I also think it sets up the context nicely. I think one thing that could be improved is making the chapters longer, because personally I find I get really hooked on stories with longer chapters as they pull me in completely. But this is only my personal opinion. I really like this story and I'll be sure to search for updates and read more :)
7/15/2013 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
I really like the detail at the beginning about Melissa falling on that sharp piece of jewelry and needing some stitches. I think that's a nice example of Melissa and Evie's friendship to showcase how Evie tends to look out for her and clean up all those things Melissa often trips over. You start out with a unique example of something that happens in their relationship, and then narrow down with a specific, which makes the entire situation (and the people in it) feel much more real.

I went ahead and read the first few paragraphs of the next chapter (since this one is pretty short and i wanted to see if my following suggestion would be helpful), and I wonder if combining this chapter with the following one might be something to consider. I don't think this first chapter really provides that hook to keep a reading going, even with that mention of Andrew at the end. And I think the reason Andrew's name doesn't really spark any interest in me is because I know nothing about him. In the next chapter you quickly seem to dive more into the relationship between Evie and Andrew - or at least you give a little more information about him. I wonder if putting that information at the end of this chapter would give it the oomph it needs to keep a person reading, because then we'd get a better sense of the annoyance Evie is going to have to deal with when Andrew comes to town, hence it creates more tension, and then the reader will want to see what happens next.
7/14/2013 c1 9Highway Unicorn
What I liked about this was the calm and natural voice throughout. I didn't find this overly dramatic, but as a easy-going read, with a bit of humor sprinkled through it. Overall, I just found the voice entertaining, which only meant a good read so far for me.

What I disliked was how Melissa was described/characterized from the third person pov of Evie, or at least that's how it appears so far. To me, it seemed like a lot was focused on Melissa and her appearance/personality, and at some points, I got the impression that Evie sorta likes Melissa more then friends. But of course, I wouldn't mind that if that did in fact happen to be part of the plot later on; my main concern is just that more of this chapter was focused on who appears to be a minor character rather then the main character, you know?

But besides that, I thought it was a good read. :)
7/14/2013 c1 4lookingwest
The opening to this novel was a little meh. It's just a wake up scene. Everyone has those every single day of their lives, and this one wasn't super exciting either. I would've liked to started with something more original - something I don't experience every single day either, but then - I did like that they were at least in college, I think it would've been really trite if it was high school or something. This gives it a New Adult genre edge, I think. So perhaps I'm being a little too hard on it, eh?

I thought you did a good job establishing our two characters and everything, and I liked how you were able to work in Melissa's description here because I thought it was more original than the early-morning looking-in-the-mirror kind of thing that happens sometimes with wake-up chapters. I'm thinking now that it almost might be fun to rewind and start with the party scene itself rather than the day-after, but I like how we have this mystery about this Andrew Barsden person. Seems we're diving right into the romance, and I'm interested to find out if this is a former lover or if this will be about an already established relationship. I also liked how you worked in their different classes and interests, because I thought it set them both apart and made them original in their own right.
7/14/2013 c1 23Love A Mysterious Thing
This is amazing! The humor spilling through it was quite entertaining. It takes a lot to get me to legitimately laugh out loud but this had me going a few times. Melissa is definitely relatable! haha i love it! You definitely need to continue writing this one. I want to know what happens next! Oh and I love your writing style too by the way. It's enviable.

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