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8/3/2013 c1 7Amazinglily
It was a good story and the readers are able to relate with it because of the realistic way you wrote it. It can turn out to be very compelling , I'll look forward to the updates.
7/18/2013 c1 39Vere D. Lee
First the good parts: i liked the poetic description in the beginning "The soft voice of a girl echoed through the depths of despair and darkness..." And i also like the sense of mystery you achieved with that girl, to me that girl is the main character.
Now for the criticizing: I felt like the input of race to describe a character is misplaced. the reader should be able to infer race by the name and description of skin tone and other hints. And also the name brand of clothes feels misplace. i only see that in teen dramas where people in the book care about the name brands they ware. in the beginning i felt you didn't set the scene i just wanted to know exactly what he saw when he awoke from an unconscious state. I felt the dialog was wacky when Mohammed said "...could show me the ropes?" It was just cheesy, now if you wanted it that way you could make the reader know that he realized his mistake. And you said they was in NYC so maybe a little slang.
All in all im intrigued. i know i said a lot but mysterious demon girl always make a good story just take your time and tell it. i will be looking for chapter 2.
7/18/2013 c1 1Fading-Scream
In interesting beginning... I like your writing style and your characters seem real and believable although it's raised a few questions in my mind. I cant really critique your plot because I have no clue what it's going to turn out as so I guess I'll just keep reading. xxx
7/17/2013 c1 15MacabreDivinity
This is a cool premise for a story. I'm interested to see how it unfolds. Though high-school romance is a concept incredibly hard to bring any originality to, the main character and his uniqueness is something I'd like to see explored as it progresses. I like what you've set up here: the dream sequence, the "fish out of water" feeling, the eagerness to fit in, and the instant attraction to something immediately identified as a potential danger. I feel like you can do a lot with these concepts. There is so much potential.

As far as a critique, if I'm even so inclined, I want to give you more credit than I'm about to. If that dream was a projection of Breianna - the foreshadowed "demon" that is the possible love interest - it presents the all too familiar love story of "I love you, despite you being a monster!" upcoming - "but I'm a killer, Bella!" - but the concept of it being an internal struggle of Mohammed, something that is emerging from his soul already there that she or her "dark" energy mentioned is toying with, or maybe even unwittingly bringing out of him? - I think that would present an amazing struggle. Thoughts of a dark nature reside in all of us, after all. To show fault and flaw is never a bad thing. :)

I hope that wasn't too much elaboration. You asked for criticism, so I just thought I'd provide you with ways that your concepts can grow. It's so amazing to start something, isn't it? It's like the power of an entire story's universe is at your fingertips. Good luck!
7/16/2013 c1 11Shae Maen
I absolutely love this except if you don't mind my saying it I think you shouldn't use your name in a story cuz it doesn't attract as many readers and yeah others might disagree but for me I wouldn't have checked a story cuz of that but now I did I seriously feel like you have a great flair for writing. I am truly impressed. The writing style, the suspense, the humor , I just love it. I hope you update soon cuz I am waiting for your next chapter with bated breath. Oh and I am gonna put it on alert and favorite it too now. :) Until next time. -Shae

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