for Fallen2/17/2022 c1 raesi01
Hi . . I like your novel and I wanna give you an offer that related to your work. Would you mind give me your email to discuss the details further ?
Hi . . I like your novel and I wanna give you an offer that related to your work. Would you mind give me your email to discuss the details further ?
7/25/2014 c1 
9faerie-gumdrops
Hi! Review return here :D. Hehe, this is a little outside my genre too (high fantasy tends to bamboozle me a bit) but it was entertaining to read, and I like your characters so far :D. I liked the way you portrayed the elves, how they sort of look down on humans as the savages we are hehe. I loved all the relationships like between Berendan and his dad, and also Berendan and Alviarin.
CCwise I got a little confused at the formatting (so minor - I know). So like is this the first chapter? Or like three chapters or something? I read it all as chapter one (or the prologue), so there was quite a lot of different stuff going on. Maybe break it up into different chapters? Then you could possibly expand on each part a little more (e.g. the vampire's arrival I think could be built upon more, because it's interesting :) ).
9faerie-gumdropsHi! Review return here :D. Hehe, this is a little outside my genre too (high fantasy tends to bamboozle me a bit) but it was entertaining to read, and I like your characters so far :D. I liked the way you portrayed the elves, how they sort of look down on humans as the savages we are hehe. I loved all the relationships like between Berendan and his dad, and also Berendan and Alviarin.
CCwise I got a little confused at the formatting (so minor - I know). So like is this the first chapter? Or like three chapters or something? I read it all as chapter one (or the prologue), so there was quite a lot of different stuff going on. Maybe break it up into different chapters? Then you could possibly expand on each part a little more (e.g. the vampire's arrival I think could be built upon more, because it's interesting :) ).
7/15/2014 c101 5Trishilish
Hey from the RG!
So, I haven't read any other chapter of this, so I'm not really going to touch on context.
I'm normally confounded when it comes to fight scenes, but I'm getting the sense that they are your specialty. I could easily picture who stabbed what and turned where and jabbed there. That's really hard to keep straightforward and I think you did a great job with it.
I do think that chapter could use a read through on your part, there were some missing commas that would help pace some sentences and there was a lot of 'he said' 'she said' where they weren't so necessary. One in particular that stood out: In Gerand's section - "'...Farewell, my friend,' Gerand said. He charged..." If you took out the 'Gerand said', I think you'd benefit from a smoother scene. We know who's speaking there, and the next line being 'He charged...' would be more dramatic without that little 'he said' distraction in front of it.
The ending was /so/ nicely done - I enjoyed it most. Maethon's flawless battling and how he shouts his battle cry even when it's clear that he himself won't stand much longer. And then his last sense of the present is seeing his flag being upheld in the hand of his comrade on a winged horse. That's moving imagery, befit of a tragic, but heroic battle.
Lastly, I just want to say I'm sorry for your loss, and that incorporating your brother into a character is such a beautiful tribute.
5TrishilishHey from the RG!
So, I haven't read any other chapter of this, so I'm not really going to touch on context.
I'm normally confounded when it comes to fight scenes, but I'm getting the sense that they are your specialty. I could easily picture who stabbed what and turned where and jabbed there. That's really hard to keep straightforward and I think you did a great job with it.
I do think that chapter could use a read through on your part, there were some missing commas that would help pace some sentences and there was a lot of 'he said' 'she said' where they weren't so necessary. One in particular that stood out: In Gerand's section - "'...Farewell, my friend,' Gerand said. He charged..." If you took out the 'Gerand said', I think you'd benefit from a smoother scene. We know who's speaking there, and the next line being 'He charged...' would be more dramatic without that little 'he said' distraction in front of it.
The ending was /so/ nicely done - I enjoyed it most. Maethon's flawless battling and how he shouts his battle cry even when it's clear that he himself won't stand much longer. And then his last sense of the present is seeing his flag being upheld in the hand of his comrade on a winged horse. That's moving imagery, befit of a tragic, but heroic battle.
Lastly, I just want to say I'm sorry for your loss, and that incorporating your brother into a character is such a beautiful tribute.
7/13/2014 c1 deltd
The Roadhouse- Bar
Very nice. It has a sort of Lord of the Rings feel to it. Right off the bat, you introduced the fantasy aspects of the story with the dragons, elves, etc. This is really good since it doesn't mislead your readers.
Your introduction of conflict between the old elf and his son was good too. It makes the audience wonder what is going to happen next. :) Their warring personalities are palpable.
The descriptions of the settings in your story are detailed. They are really nice since you explain the type of land they live in. Good job!
The Roadhouse- Bar
Very nice. It has a sort of Lord of the Rings feel to it. Right off the bat, you introduced the fantasy aspects of the story with the dragons, elves, etc. This is really good since it doesn't mislead your readers.
Your introduction of conflict between the old elf and his son was good too. It makes the audience wonder what is going to happen next. :) Their warring personalities are palpable.
The descriptions of the settings in your story are detailed. They are really nice since you explain the type of land they live in. Good job!
7/11/2014 c1 4Joe Takezo
The world you are slowly putting together is quite interesting. The resentment of the elves towards the humans is quite interesting and the fact that humans tell stories about these creatures. Hopefully, I get to see a specific god that these elves worship too. Because if I'm not mistaken they believe in several gods other than humans who believe in just one. The relationship between Berendan and Alviarin is sweet which made it all the more heart breaking when they broke apart. I also like how the antagonist was introduced early on, the ominous threat represented in the story. The vampire's power to raise the dead was wicked, loved it. I'll stick to this to see where it goes. Also, I wonde rhwat are the vampires motives.
(Review from RoadHouse.)
4Joe TakezoThe world you are slowly putting together is quite interesting. The resentment of the elves towards the humans is quite interesting and the fact that humans tell stories about these creatures. Hopefully, I get to see a specific god that these elves worship too. Because if I'm not mistaken they believe in several gods other than humans who believe in just one. The relationship between Berendan and Alviarin is sweet which made it all the more heart breaking when they broke apart. I also like how the antagonist was introduced early on, the ominous threat represented in the story. The vampire's power to raise the dead was wicked, loved it. I'll stick to this to see where it goes. Also, I wonde rhwat are the vampires motives.
(Review from RoadHouse.)
7/10/2014 c1 9Highway Unicorn
I liked the hostility that the elves had towards the humans because I personally enjoy it when dark feelings and emotions such as that towards another race is experimented with. It relates to our own word and how far/cruel one can be towards another simply because they look different.
I also got a very warm vibe from your writing (imagery mostly) about the setting revealed to us readers, and I really liked it. I liked it because you gave it that home-like-feel and it allowed me to connect more to the characters presented and it also help set the tone, multiple ones in fact, such as adventure, wonder, etc.
9Highway UnicornI liked the hostility that the elves had towards the humans because I personally enjoy it when dark feelings and emotions such as that towards another race is experimented with. It relates to our own word and how far/cruel one can be towards another simply because they look different.
I also got a very warm vibe from your writing (imagery mostly) about the setting revealed to us readers, and I really liked it. I liked it because you gave it that home-like-feel and it allowed me to connect more to the characters presented and it also help set the tone, multiple ones in fact, such as adventure, wonder, etc.
7/10/2014 c1 13alltheeagles
For the RG EF
I think your MC is much more expressive than other elves I've come across in other stories - usually they're portrayed as being aloof, above human emotions, but here we have a cheerful, one might even say, bouncy, Berendan. Well, it's a change, and I cautiously like it for now. It's also interesting how you've thrown vampires into the mix. At the moment, it appears that Berendan isn't the magic-wielding type of elf - so he's the brawn not the brains. I find that intriguing as well, and more than that I'm interested to see how you will incorporate standard vampire lore with elven lore.
13alltheeaglesFor the RG EF
I think your MC is much more expressive than other elves I've come across in other stories - usually they're portrayed as being aloof, above human emotions, but here we have a cheerful, one might even say, bouncy, Berendan. Well, it's a change, and I cautiously like it for now. It's also interesting how you've thrown vampires into the mix. At the moment, it appears that Berendan isn't the magic-wielding type of elf - so he's the brawn not the brains. I find that intriguing as well, and more than that I'm interested to see how you will incorporate standard vampire lore with elven lore.
7/10/2014 c1 2TwisTheTaleTeller
Hey! Thanks for the review!
Interesting chapter. Can definitely feel the Tolkien-influence. Keep at it. Well, obviously, you've kept on writing. :)
2TwisTheTaleTellerHey! Thanks for the review!
Interesting chapter. Can definitely feel the Tolkien-influence. Keep at it. Well, obviously, you've kept on writing. :)
4/18/2014 c7 3Ridely
I always like a good story with orcs and the like in them. It add something to the universe to prove that the human form isn't the only thing out there, you know? The accent is a nice touch, but feel that it could use some polishing. Have you ever seen the show Lost? There is a character that slowly learns how to speak English over the coarse of the show. I think the accents are like that, as though they didn't know exactly what word to use or how to say it and picked the closest thing. (My favorite example instead of saying pie, they would say liquid cake.) Which I think you have come really close to getting, you just need to polish it a little. I like the content of the chapter, but I think it could use more detail. Good job!
3RidelyI always like a good story with orcs and the like in them. It add something to the universe to prove that the human form isn't the only thing out there, you know? The accent is a nice touch, but feel that it could use some polishing. Have you ever seen the show Lost? There is a character that slowly learns how to speak English over the coarse of the show. I think the accents are like that, as though they didn't know exactly what word to use or how to say it and picked the closest thing. (My favorite example instead of saying pie, they would say liquid cake.) Which I think you have come really close to getting, you just need to polish it a little. I like the content of the chapter, but I think it could use more detail. Good job!
4/11/2014 c27 5Whirlymerle
Heyhey! Returning your review! And it has been a long time, wow! O.o
I like the description about how the elven maiden’s beauty wasn’t cheerful/innocent, but raw and fell and to die for. That was nice.
Yeah, I though Elanor was kind of psycho when she was all, “you’re here to rescue me!” and then, “we’ll never get out.” But if she were trapped for an eternity, I could totally see that. I’m glad Berendan recognizes that too with the bitter madness part.
Elves have bras? Wow, they weren’t invented for humans until the 19th century.
So yeah, I remember figuring out in my last review that the trials had something to do with the seven sins. I like that Berenden falls for them, and I especially like the “Pride” trial, and his speech there.
While I found it believable that Berendan would have sex with Elanor, I think that creates an awkward situation now that she’s going on this journey with them. Specifically, referring to the temptations line, I really liked it as a whole, applied to the other sins, but applied to the lust trial, Elanor is effectively saying, “you will allow yourself to have sex with other women, then continue on to rescue Alvarin,” and I don’t know, I’m kind of uncomfortable with that. Maybe elf culture is different from human culture though.
5WhirlymerleHeyhey! Returning your review! And it has been a long time, wow! O.o
I like the description about how the elven maiden’s beauty wasn’t cheerful/innocent, but raw and fell and to die for. That was nice.
Yeah, I though Elanor was kind of psycho when she was all, “you’re here to rescue me!” and then, “we’ll never get out.” But if she were trapped for an eternity, I could totally see that. I’m glad Berendan recognizes that too with the bitter madness part.
Elves have bras? Wow, they weren’t invented for humans until the 19th century.
So yeah, I remember figuring out in my last review that the trials had something to do with the seven sins. I like that Berenden falls for them, and I especially like the “Pride” trial, and his speech there.
While I found it believable that Berendan would have sex with Elanor, I think that creates an awkward situation now that she’s going on this journey with them. Specifically, referring to the temptations line, I really liked it as a whole, applied to the other sins, but applied to the lust trial, Elanor is effectively saying, “you will allow yourself to have sex with other women, then continue on to rescue Alvarin,” and I don’t know, I’m kind of uncomfortable with that. Maybe elf culture is different from human culture though.
4/10/2014 c4 A. Nonymous1234
Lots of dialoge in this chapter, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. There was some character development, which is never a bad thing, but it seemed like a good percentage of this chapter was just dialogue. I might suggest trimming it down, but most had to do with the story and plot\character development, so I suppose there's not much bad about it.
So far I like the characters, although it's a little early to decide if I love or loathe them just yet. From what I've read so far my interest has been captured!
Lots of dialoge in this chapter, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. There was some character development, which is never a bad thing, but it seemed like a good percentage of this chapter was just dialogue. I might suggest trimming it down, but most had to do with the story and plot\character development, so I suppose there's not much bad about it.
So far I like the characters, although it's a little early to decide if I love or loathe them just yet. From what I've read so far my interest has been captured!
4/10/2014 c3 A. Nonymous1234
Why were chapters 3-4 deleted? Just curious. I was worried I would be confused, but chapter 5 seemed to flow on from chapter two perfectly. I'm not aware of what content you had in the other chapters, but I think the story flows nicely like this.
Oh yes, a dragon. That's not sarcasm, by the way- looking forward to the dragon.
Why were chapters 3-4 deleted? Just curious. I was worried I would be confused, but chapter 5 seemed to flow on from chapter two perfectly. I'm not aware of what content you had in the other chapters, but I think the story flows nicely like this.
Oh yes, a dragon. That's not sarcasm, by the way- looking forward to the dragon.
4/10/2014 c2 A. Nonymous1234
I've got to admit, I keep picturing Berendan as Legolas and his father as King Thranduil. I can't help it- LOTR is the first fantasy series I ever read, and DoS had a plotline very similar to the one you are telling here between an Elven Prince and his father.
Berendan has a mouth on him- he's not afraid to speak up and I like that in a character. He's also rather driven, although that's more than likely because his love has been taken by vampires. I'm expecting an epic quest story- I'll be along for the ride.
I've got to admit, I keep picturing Berendan as Legolas and his father as King Thranduil. I can't help it- LOTR is the first fantasy series I ever read, and DoS had a plotline very similar to the one you are telling here between an Elven Prince and his father.
Berendan has a mouth on him- he's not afraid to speak up and I like that in a character. He's also rather driven, although that's more than likely because his love has been taken by vampires. I'm expecting an epic quest story- I'll be along for the ride.
4/10/2014 c1 A. Nonymous1234
It's hard to really review a prologue, but I'll give my best.
I was a little confused to the world, as I usually am when starting a fantasy story, but I'm pleased to know you didn't find it necessary to describe every last detail of the world around the characters. That often happens in fantasy novels and it's one of my biggest issues with the genre.
The ending was nicely done. The touch with the army of the dead was a nice choice- not something you usually see with vampires. I wish the battle had been a little more graphic, but that's just me. It was difficult to feel the entire intensity of the scene when everything was described in a quick, battle overview.
The ending confused me, however- was his heart literally gone or was he so broken about Alviarin being taken that it felt like his heart was nothing but an empty hole? I might have failed to notice something, but I think (hope) it's the second.
It's hard to really review a prologue, but I'll give my best.
I was a little confused to the world, as I usually am when starting a fantasy story, but I'm pleased to know you didn't find it necessary to describe every last detail of the world around the characters. That often happens in fantasy novels and it's one of my biggest issues with the genre.
The ending was nicely done. The touch with the army of the dead was a nice choice- not something you usually see with vampires. I wish the battle had been a little more graphic, but that's just me. It was difficult to feel the entire intensity of the scene when everything was described in a quick, battle overview.
The ending confused me, however- was his heart literally gone or was he so broken about Alviarin being taken that it felt like his heart was nothing but an empty hole? I might have failed to notice something, but I think (hope) it's the second.
4/6/2014 c3 3This Guy Again
[the altar which he sickeningly realised was covered...] So I've seen the Stephen King quote about adverbs many a time, and normally I totally disagree with him. Adverbs can be ridiculously useful. However, I think in that sentence, "sickeningly" is just a bad choice. It just doesn't feel right as I'm reading it. I feel it the sentence would have much more of an impact if it were written something more like "As he drew nearer to the altar, he came to a sickening realisation; the whole thing was slick with fresh blood."
So this chapter was certainly good at advancing the plot forwards. It definitely helped move the story along. My only minor criticism would be that it seemed a bit dialogue heavy. I can't help but feeling a bit disappointed by the lack of vivid imagery. You described the outside of the temple in a fair amount of detail, but I feel there was a bit of a lack elsewhere.
Other than that, there's not much else to say apart from, I wish I could know what happened to chapter's 3 and 4.
-from the roadhouse
3This Guy Again[the altar which he sickeningly realised was covered...] So I've seen the Stephen King quote about adverbs many a time, and normally I totally disagree with him. Adverbs can be ridiculously useful. However, I think in that sentence, "sickeningly" is just a bad choice. It just doesn't feel right as I'm reading it. I feel it the sentence would have much more of an impact if it were written something more like "As he drew nearer to the altar, he came to a sickening realisation; the whole thing was slick with fresh blood."
So this chapter was certainly good at advancing the plot forwards. It definitely helped move the story along. My only minor criticism would be that it seemed a bit dialogue heavy. I can't help but feeling a bit disappointed by the lack of vivid imagery. You described the outside of the temple in a fair amount of detail, but I feel there was a bit of a lack elsewhere.
Other than that, there's not much else to say apart from, I wish I could know what happened to chapter's 3 and 4.
-from the roadhouse