1/13/2014 c1 Sugarloafin
This chapter is great as a hook to keep reading. The cold open is wonderful, as is the build up of tension in the rest of the chapter. I really like the celebration built around the meteor shower. It is a very cool detail, as are the individual deities you have so far introduced. A little bit more description of some of the people would be nice, however. I don't really have a clear picture in my mind of either Matthias or Velry's father. I look forward to reading more, thanks for writing :)

9/30/2013 c6 2Indravyn
I feel like Im both confused and understanding of what is happening to Niek. Shes a sleep, but the hold it has on her does seem like its in direct reflection of the breached wards. Its nice that we are seeing a stronger version of Velry and a moral side. She could have easily abandoned Niek, but instead stayed to save her because she does own the keep a debt.
“be his bridge.” Be his bride.
“as they ran stumbled into” ran into, stumbled into,
“loping like a grotesque performer in a death march” Love this description.
“then Velry say that a fight was the only option” Velry would say fighting was the only option.
Why was Velry affected by Nieks power? Is that typical?
There are a lot of questions I have about Niek and just who or what she really is.
Very well written chapter. I was definitely enamored by your beautiful descriptions and the action scene was quite good. You’ve definitely got me more curious as to what makes Niek different from other keepers who have to use a focusing object where she doesn’t. Very good!

9/29/2013 c4 Indravyn
Hi and thank you for accepting trading with me!
First off, I have to tell you your descriptions are beautiful and at times enigmatic. You have a way of writing things to put your reader dead in the middle and make even the most unimaginative people see clearly. I skimmed briefly through the prologue to move onto the first chapter (I have never seen a prologue get separated into three parts) Most times it’s a short prelude to the story or some write an excerpt from inside the book. I found this intriguing.
Onto my notes: I notice in the drop down box it says chapter one, but on the actually chapter it is listed as chapter two.
“Looking at an ant carrying its breakfast across a twig, as if it were the perfect reminder of her current situation, she hurriedly hoisted herself off the ground so she could look around” I found this sentence a little awkward and a little run on. I would recommend shortening it up.
“In any direction she looked, she could only see trees and underbrush.” Another sentence that seemed alittle awkward because of the double iteration of ‘she’. Either use Velry in one part and she in the next. Or rerange to something like “No matter which direction Velry looked, there was only trees and underbrush to see.” Or something like that.
“Other than that, there was nothing of note except for the fire pit filled with ash, though still warm from recent use.” Your talking about nothing else to note but the fire pit and then make a statement about it being warm as if your going to go further into the firepit. This is a little confusing because though in this case, gives the assumption there is more to come about the still warm firepit. Recommended revising.
One of the things I’m noticing consistenly throughout the writing is constantly referring to Velry as her and she. The fact that the name or even a description of Velry is hardly used, kind of creates an emotional detachment from the protagonist. I know your speaking about her, but I’m not really getting a sense of who Velry is, or the little nuances in her character that define a little of who she is.
“It was as if wit had turned to quiet rage suddenly, and it was sweeping across the clearing with an icy speed.” Love this description.
“her bet” he bet
Why does the Niek want to call her Vallistra?
So far, off to a good start. Definitely enjoyed reading this and curious to find out more about Keepers and feeders and the Blood Queen as well as why Niek really saved her and what really went into healing Velry’s wounds. Good job.

9/23/2013 c1 2LightningBolt21
I'm glad I decided to go back and read the First Prologue cause it's AMAZING. The conversation between Verly and her mother was very natural and truly felt like what a mother and daughter would say to each other.

{"If I didn't know any better, Little Sister,} Unless Verly's little sister isn't 'little sister' than the L doesn't need to be a captiol. Can't wait for the next chapter : )

9/21/2013 c3 1Mwomnom
The whole concept of these Keepers is a very interesting way to approach things. The moment I read "necromantic powers", I knew I will love whatever you've got coming. Niek is going to be the enigma of this story, I can tell. This character helps achieving a full completion and a sence of fulness in your story. Again, I love the way you finish your chapters. The last few paragraphs are always strong and just scream "READ ON!". Good job ending your chapters in an interesting manner that captures the reader's interest successfully. I still find your descriptions divine, just so you know.

The paragraphs were a little eye-teasing towards the end, though. Try and just make them a little shorter, because it gets hard to read such long texts when there are no pages to turn. And that was quite the long prologue, wasn't it? It's just that I rarely get to see a three-part prologue. It's just a little odd you didn't separate it into chapters and instead decided to keep it all as prologue. Not that I mind, it is just not a common thing to do.

All and all, that was a lovely chapter (part of prologue) that I really enjoyed reading.

9/19/2013 c1 Mwomnom
This was a very nice and captivating beginning. I loved your dialogues - they really capture the mood of the atmosphere that you wish to set, The descriptions were amazingly well done - sufficient to be beautiful and to create a sensible depth to the whole world fo your story, yet not too lingerling to provoke the readers to lose interest. The one thing I did not like was the length of your paragraphs - they were a tad too long for my tastes in particular. Just know that this way a reader could loose, skip or miss some improtant details among the walls of text that are presented. But that little flaw could be easily neglected.

Overall, a great beginning to a story that I will definitely be returning to soon.

9/3/2013 c2 1ArcadianCrown
*whistles* wow, lots of drama. LOTS.
The merging of the first on the run part, then the tranquil celebration followed by the attack was done uncannily well, and they flowed into each other very nicely. The pacing was every so slightly grating however, as you started out with quick-paced drama, followed by a much slower part, followed up by more action. The transitons themselves were done well, but I found the constant change of pace a little too dramatic and wearing. That might just be my tired late-night mind though, so otherwise I thought it was very well structures and you kept "all the plates spinning" as such in that I never felt something was lacking at any one point.
Mathias. Firstly, another wicked name. Secondly, character. I both liked and disliked him as a character. I felt elements of him were brilliant, and his sudden show of macho manly bravery during the fight was both rather tragic and comical. It also gave him something that set him apart form your main lead, as romantic partners can become a little too co-dependant at times, especially during moments of sudden action and trauma.
My irritation lay more in Velry's reaction to him. She seemed rather infatuated rather quickly, considering how she only met him that night. Parts of her treatment towards him I liked, such as her teasing him about the fact that they'd only known each other for a day, and in people that age, quick, indulgent love is perfectly real. It was mainly during the battle scene that I felt her approach towards him was a little unjustified: she knows the kid a day and then she pulls a Katniss Everdeen and volunteers as tribute for him? I understand it's plot importance, but I felt a little more conflict over this decision would have been more realistic. It's great that you have a self-confident, brave lead, but I think a little more internal dithering would have been more human :)
OVerall though, you wrote the action sequences really well and did the pacing and dynamics wonderfully. I also loved the "bad guys'" dialogue and slightly OTT characters, as a personal preference as well as it being done in a very controlled manner.

A couple of edits or questions I had were in relation to:

"Though, Velry wasn't sure if she'd been found by a human or by one of the creatures" - the though is a little jarring, and makes this sentence seem as though it ought to either be part of a previous sentence or really you could juts cut the though as it makes the sentence less snappy.

"What's going on," she asked
"Who would do this," he spat, - with these two, I believe they should end in ? after the speech.

Anyway, awesome 2nd installment of this prologue.
(Side note, not really review related, your deviant art stuff is amazing... okay, done fangirling. Bye :)

-AC