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for The Keeper Chronicles: Hunt for the Blood Queen

1/22/2014 c2 9Sugarloafin
I really like Niek's powder as a summoning tool for undead helpers. I look forward to seeing what else she can do with what's in the rest of the pouches on her belt.
Thanks for writing :)
1/13/2014 c1 Sugarloafin
This chapter is great as a hook to keep reading. The cold open is wonderful, as is the build up of tension in the rest of the chapter. I really like the celebration built around the meteor shower. It is a very cool detail, as are the individual deities you have so far introduced. A little bit more description of some of the people would be nice, however. I don't really have a clear picture in my mind of either Matthias or Velry's father. I look forward to reading more, thanks for writing :)
10/11/2013 c5 1Mwomnom
Ok, I'm finally back!

Lovely, lovely chapter! Niek&Velry are some of the most vivid, most dynamic characters I have seen in a fantasy story. They often say that your protagonist is the window to your imagination. And you have one very, very big imagination. It is pure bliss to observe this story grow, its world expand and built up before me. The last sentence left me wondering 'does she actually think it's possible?'. Haha, no way there are no more troubles ahead, huh? Spectacular chapter! I'll definitely be back to read more.
9/30/2013 c6 2Indravyn
I feel like Im both confused and understanding of what is happening to Niek. Shes a sleep, but the hold it has on her does seem like its in direct reflection of the breached wards. Its nice that we are seeing a stronger version of Velry and a moral side. She could have easily abandoned Niek, but instead stayed to save her because she does own the keep a debt.
“be his bridge.” Be his bride.
“as they ran stumbled into” ran into, stumbled into,
“loping like a grotesque performer in a death march” Love this description.
“then Velry say that a fight was the only option” Velry would say fighting was the only option.
Why was Velry affected by Nieks power? Is that typical?
There are a lot of questions I have about Niek and just who or what she really is.
Very well written chapter. I was definitely enamored by your beautiful descriptions and the action scene was quite good. You’ve definitely got me more curious as to what makes Niek different from other keepers who have to use a focusing object where she doesn’t. Very good!
9/29/2013 c5 Indravyn
And as promised, here is my second review whilst on lunch and munching chinese food.
Its always nice to see humor amidst serious situations. It always makes the characters that much more lighthearted and easier to sympathize with. Its also good to see some concern from Niek about Velry and how she is feeling.
Asking about any pains out of the ordinary has me curious to know if there is a reason behind it even though she said there shouldn't be. I wonder if that will come back into play later because of the several mentions of Velry's strangely healed injuries.
Is she a soulbound feeder?
Your description of Fai and sacrifices brings to mind Vlad the Impaler meets the Bloody Countess.
Velry is naive if she believes that the gods are revered the same from one person to the next.
I like that there is more dialogue across this chapter, a sense of history and information about the world that you've put Velry and Niek in.
Your description of Saryle's realm and the seven layers, speaking of apparitions and ghosts makes it sound like you've done some kind of research into the paranormal, witchcraft and other such things. It comes across clearly in this chapter. Soulbound feeders sound like vampires, is that were your kind of aiming for with their depiction?
When it switches to only Velry, that distance between the reader and the character comes back into focus here as well.
"before the sun even come up," came up
And thats all I got. Good chapter. I will admit, as soon as you said it was Fai at the end of the chapter I immediately thought "Run bitch! Run!"
9/29/2013 c4 Indravyn
Hi and thank you for accepting trading with me!
First off, I have to tell you your descriptions are beautiful and at times enigmatic. You have a way of writing things to put your reader dead in the middle and make even the most unimaginative people see clearly. I skimmed briefly through the prologue to move onto the first chapter (I have never seen a prologue get separated into three parts) Most times it’s a short prelude to the story or some write an excerpt from inside the book. I found this intriguing.
Onto my notes: I notice in the drop down box it says chapter one, but on the actually chapter it is listed as chapter two.
“Looking at an ant carrying its breakfast across a twig, as if it were the perfect reminder of her current situation, she hurriedly hoisted herself off the ground so she could look around” I found this sentence a little awkward and a little run on. I would recommend shortening it up.
“In any direction she looked, she could only see trees and underbrush.” Another sentence that seemed alittle awkward because of the double iteration of ‘she’. Either use Velry in one part and she in the next. Or rerange to something like “No matter which direction Velry looked, there was only trees and underbrush to see.” Or something like that.
“Other than that, there was nothing of note except for the fire pit filled with ash, though still warm from recent use.” Your talking about nothing else to note but the fire pit and then make a statement about it being warm as if your going to go further into the firepit. This is a little confusing because though in this case, gives the assumption there is more to come about the still warm firepit. Recommended revising.
One of the things I’m noticing consistenly throughout the writing is constantly referring to Velry as her and she. The fact that the name or even a description of Velry is hardly used, kind of creates an emotional detachment from the protagonist. I know your speaking about her, but I’m not really getting a sense of who Velry is, or the little nuances in her character that define a little of who she is.
“It was as if wit had turned to quiet rage suddenly, and it was sweeping across the clearing with an icy speed.” Love this description.
“her bet” he bet
Why does the Niek want to call her Vallistra?
So far, off to a good start. Definitely enjoyed reading this and curious to find out more about Keepers and feeders and the Blood Queen as well as why Niek really saved her and what really went into healing Velry’s wounds. Good job.
9/24/2013 c4 1Mwomnom
This was significantly longer than the prologue parts and I really appreciate that.

The story keeps on unfolding in a natural way and that is one of the things I admire in it. All the characters that you create are amazingly well-portrayed and unique. Also can't stop loving those dialogues.

There were some expressions and sentences that you really hit the right spot with. I love how you describe scenes of pain and blood and agony. I think that if you wrote something a little darker with lots of violence, it would be spectacular. Not that I'm complaining, though, hehe.

Anyways, a great chapter indeedy!
9/23/2013 c1 2LightningBolt21
I'm glad I decided to go back and read the First Prologue cause it's AMAZING. The conversation between Verly and her mother was very natural and truly felt like what a mother and daughter would say to each other.

{"If I didn't know any better, Little Sister,} Unless Verly's little sister isn't 'little sister' than the L doesn't need to be a captiol. Can't wait for the next chapter : )
9/22/2013 c4 LightningBolt21
First off, things that I liked/loved.

Your first line really hooked me in. {She woke with a start, gasping for air like a drowned man swallowing water} a very poetic way of telling us she woke up. I also enjoyed your easy way of writing, and how you did the 'Where is it' and 'What is it' I loved Niek ! She is my favorite person so far, with the how she presents herself and talks. {I don't sense any new corpses, so I know you didn't wander off and die.} My favorite line : )

{She fell hard upon her knees and gazed upon the heavens} Personally this sentence sounds a bit to poetic. Some sentences need to be keep simple so the entire story doesn't sound so well, poetic. I would try it as such {She fell on her knees and gazed up at the heavens} This just my personal opinion.

I also enjoyed how you described how hard it was for Verly (love the name) to breathe.

I didn't really find anything wrong with this first chapter, except for what I pointed out before. All in all this chapter seemed to be a nice beginning for the story you are about to unfold.
9/21/2013 c3 1Mwomnom
The whole concept of these Keepers is a very interesting way to approach things. The moment I read "necromantic powers", I knew I will love whatever you've got coming. Niek is going to be the enigma of this story, I can tell. This character helps achieving a full completion and a sence of fulness in your story. Again, I love the way you finish your chapters. The last few paragraphs are always strong and just scream "READ ON!". Good job ending your chapters in an interesting manner that captures the reader's interest successfully. I still find your descriptions divine, just so you know.

The paragraphs were a little eye-teasing towards the end, though. Try and just make them a little shorter, because it gets hard to read such long texts when there are no pages to turn. And that was quite the long prologue, wasn't it? It's just that I rarely get to see a three-part prologue. It's just a little odd you didn't separate it into chapters and instead decided to keep it all as prologue. Not that I mind, it is just not a common thing to do.

All and all, that was a lovely chapter (part of prologue) that I really enjoyed reading.
9/20/2013 c2 Mwomnom
OK, let's just say that the plot you've got going on is amazing. I have no idea how you managed to come up with something this creative, captivating and fascinating. Velry is already one of the most interesting female characters that I've come across in God knows how long. With the risk of repeating myself, I love your descriptions. They are so vivid, bring us so close to the world you're creating. That's just something I can say over and over and it won't be any less true each time.

Really liked some of the expressions in the last paragraph.

[Velry fought wildly, trying to get away from the thing that whispered in her ear, but she could not. A fierce, ripping pain tore through her abdomen as if claws had just raked away her flesh and she screamed. The pain was unbearable and as the scream left her mouth, so did her consciousness.] -the bes way to describe a blackout. Ever.

Amazing chapter!
9/19/2013 c1 Mwomnom
This was a very nice and captivating beginning. I loved your dialogues - they really capture the mood of the atmosphere that you wish to set, The descriptions were amazingly well done - sufficient to be beautiful and to create a sensible depth to the whole world fo your story, yet not too lingerling to provoke the readers to lose interest. The one thing I did not like was the length of your paragraphs - they were a tad too long for my tastes in particular. Just know that this way a reader could loose, skip or miss some improtant details among the walls of text that are presented. But that little flaw could be easily neglected.

Overall, a great beginning to a story that I will definitely be returning to soon.
9/13/2013 c1 5Skullszeyes
This seems very interesting. I loved how you described the emotions and actions very easily. :)
Awesome chapter.
9/3/2013 c2 1ArcadianCrown
*whistles* wow, lots of drama. LOTS.
The merging of the first on the run part, then the tranquil celebration followed by the attack was done uncannily well, and they flowed into each other very nicely. The pacing was every so slightly grating however, as you started out with quick-paced drama, followed by a much slower part, followed up by more action. The transitons themselves were done well, but I found the constant change of pace a little too dramatic and wearing. That might just be my tired late-night mind though, so otherwise I thought it was very well structures and you kept "all the plates spinning" as such in that I never felt something was lacking at any one point.
Mathias. Firstly, another wicked name. Secondly, character. I both liked and disliked him as a character. I felt elements of him were brilliant, and his sudden show of macho manly bravery during the fight was both rather tragic and comical. It also gave him something that set him apart form your main lead, as romantic partners can become a little too co-dependant at times, especially during moments of sudden action and trauma.
My irritation lay more in Velry's reaction to him. She seemed rather infatuated rather quickly, considering how she only met him that night. Parts of her treatment towards him I liked, such as her teasing him about the fact that they'd only known each other for a day, and in people that age, quick, indulgent love is perfectly real. It was mainly during the battle scene that I felt her approach towards him was a little unjustified: she knows the kid a day and then she pulls a Katniss Everdeen and volunteers as tribute for him? I understand it's plot importance, but I felt a little more conflict over this decision would have been more realistic. It's great that you have a self-confident, brave lead, but I think a little more internal dithering would have been more human :)
OVerall though, you wrote the action sequences really well and did the pacing and dynamics wonderfully. I also loved the "bad guys'" dialogue and slightly OTT characters, as a personal preference as well as it being done in a very controlled manner.

A couple of edits or questions I had were in relation to:

"Though, Velry wasn't sure if she'd been found by a human or by one of the creatures" - the though is a little jarring, and makes this sentence seem as though it ought to either be part of a previous sentence or really you could juts cut the though as it makes the sentence less snappy.

"What's going on," she asked
"Who would do this," he spat, - with these two, I believe they should end in ? after the speech.

Anyway, awesome 2nd installment of this prologue.
(Side note, not really review related, your deviant art stuff is amazing... okay, done fangirling. Bye :)

9/3/2013 c1 ArcadianCrown
The description in this was absolutely spot on. It wasn't too over the top and it certainly wasn't dull, instead it felt perfectly balanced. It was also beautifully written. I especially like the idea of goddesses "unpinning" stars; it just all made for beautiful imagery, especially since it followed quickly after her discussing hair.
Your premise isn't shockingly edge, but I think it's cleanly original and it's interesting without being too melodramatic. I'm not sure gripping is the word, but it's such a pleasant read that continuing feels like the natural course :) I also loved your character names, especially your protagonist's.
The character dynamics were sweet and realistic, if not particularly emotive or prominent. I imagine once the whole "big fugitive" thing occurs this will shift slightly, so this made for a nice, easy opening :)

One this I was confused about was these two quotes:
The young bride angled the mirror to see her mother standing
"I don't think the Goddesses and their Lords care whether or not I find a dashing young husband tonight."

If she's already a "young bride" then how can she still be looking for her dashing young husband? That was the only thing though, and other than that it was wonderfully written and an enjoyable read!

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