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for Patient 83

7/15/2015 c1 13alltheeagles
RG EF
I like the tone of the piece – it reminds me of a fairy tale somehow. There are lovely passages in this. Of particular note: how the heart skips a beat from fear of being broken and her heart engulfing his. They paint such vivid pictures in my head. I also like the openness of the story – it has structure: a solid beginning, clear sequence of events and a definite ending, yet it can also be interpreted in so many ways. As a magical fantasy – the narrator somehow replaces patient 83 when he experiences his heartbreak, as the ramblings of a mind worn-out by age – perhaps patient 83 is Jane, or just a made-up story spun by a senior citizen to entertain an audience? This is the kind of story that remains in one's head longer than any clearcut but generic plot.
7/14/2015 c1 20Ventracere
Not even gonna lie, the photosynthesizing made me smile, haha.

Anyways, I think this is an interesting piece. You've got the strong narrative voice which I think is what really pushes the piece along. I liked the simplicity of the story, it's easy to get into and easy to finish (the writing was clean). On a stylistic note, perhaps put a bit of space between the paragraphs and the dialogue? It's a bit hard to get through it, but that's me nitpicking. I also don't think you need commas after your quotes. Another thing that I liked was how this chapter come all together. You started out with patient 83, and how crazy she was. And at the end, it comes full circle, the speaker attempting to answer his own questions. It gives this chapter a sense of unity and a great way to tie it together.

Thanks for the read!
7/14/2015 c1 43LuckycoolHawk9
I really liked the opening of this piece because it shows so much about the narrator and his view on Patient 83, it's perfect. I also love the wisdom of Patient 83 because she speaks the truth and knows exactly what she was doing and how to reach her nurse. I also loved that ending because it shows how life comes full circle as our narrator has now gone insane waiting for Jane who broke his heart. Great piece!
7/13/2015 c1 7Lie Ono
Aw! You have a couple of grammar mistakes, but your plot was excellent!
... damn, it's a one-shot! XD
Keep writing!

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