3/19/2016 c1 4lookingwest
Not sure this should be up on FP, but it's cool. I love Skyrim so I thought I'd play this.

Since there are no knives in Skyrim - I was wondering why Morkarion didn't refer to his blade as a dagger, since that's usually what assassins would be using with the sneak skill, etc. I'm also unsure due to the ending if this was meant to be the opening to a novel or just a short story - but I think you could really start much later than you do. I don't think we need the opening exposition. I've read some articles on Tor that advise that fantasy start with action and then reign back into the world building. This reminds me of that advice. I think we could've just opened with Mork attacking Mal (similar names, by the way - I know one is Kjajiit, but I'd change Mal's). The attack on him would grab the readers attention more than just backstory-setting up the situation, otherwise it's a bit of a bore. You could cut pretty much everything before "As I gazed onto the moonlit path" and build it back in.

If this is a short story you really have way more space to develop this - and especially if it's a novel. Again, you're relying on "telling" in the opening of the situation with Mal that has led to Mork's attack here, but you could really expand out that telling into showed scenes to round the story out more with characterization. You also could use more setting description. For those unfamiliar with the Skyrim universe, you seem to depend a lot on the reader being able to visualize the difference between these spaces instead of actually describing them into your narrative. That being said, I did like the "deep fog" details. More of the forest and trees in Falk's area could've been worth it throughout that scene.

I agree with another reviewer about the action - get shorter sentences, quicken up the pacing a bit. You want this to be exciting and get away from that "telling" voice. But that brings me to another point...

So since Dark Elves are not a privileged group in Skyrim and treated quite poorly (thinking especially in Windhelm) - I was surprised at the formal language in which Mork spoke, especially because no one in Skyrim's dialogue really feels that way. His use of "shall" and stuff just feels really generic Fantasy-voice. It made me wonder where he'd grown up - if he was really from Skyrim or from Morrowind, and in regards to his educational background. Like think of the shopkeepers and their dialogue... Mork's just feels really stiff and formal compared to theirs. While it does attribute itself to a nice cold and calculative tone, since it's in first person, I think you could do a lot more to have his voice characterize.

12/21/2015 c1 20Ventracere
Before I get into the actual interview, I need to say that I read "Lord Sithis" as lord of Siths", haha. Sorry.

This is a good starting point. Dark and filled with action - who could ask for more? Anyways, I liked how you sold us his story through blind devotion. This is what the protagonist needs to do - this is what he's lived for. It's a bit sad, don't you think? That on another level, it's all about survival - not even about success and devotion. This is what he needs to do in order to see the next day - by putting his own life on the line. That alone is intriguing, you disguise it well though.

One quick thing about action. It needs to be quick, needs to flow well. I think you have both down pat for the most part. My only squick is that you might want to make your sentences a little bit shorter. If you want to add description, but it in short spurts. Shorter, more stunted sentences gives us a shorter feel but still manages to capture the full effect of the fast paced fight.

Thanks for the read!