for The Jade Dragon12/3/2016 c3 
52Electrumquill
As well written and pacey as this draft is, I much prefer the premise of your American Civil War story. It’s just a matter of taste – America is the more interesting setting, the protagonists there are already likeable and alternate history efforts excite my academic interest. As you are so good at history, why not channel it in that direction?
Anyhow, to the point: I haven’t actually decided whether Cass is an anti-heroine or villain protagonist yet. I suppose you will have to write more so that it can be decided.
I like how you use these olfactory signs to immerse the reader straight away. That is certainly true to life - a smell is sometimes all it takes to remind us. Even if it is just the scent of hickory. This technique was improved at the beginning of the civil war story with the scent of tobacco – a more cloying and multi-layered scent.
Ohhhh my, poor Cassandra. Even though she came across as cold and hard earlier, the reader can feel for her when suddenly confronted with this. The absolute worse way possible to be confronted with bad memories – for the malefactor to abruptly show up out of the blue.
Points of note for this section:
I like the quirky comparison of memories and wind whipping through a sail.
It is a big deal that someone like Cassandra is reduced to tears. She is someone who can retreat under her own shell and come across as really cold.
I like the elegant way you work in the little bit of exposition necessary to bring the reader up to speed via Roger gloating – it is in character for him to gloat so congrats on keeping everything flowing and avoiding an info dump. A nitpick though… it is maybe redundant to spell out the “at the thought of his own twisted humour” part. The reader could infer it for themselves, or I could anyway.
So regarding the backstory set in England – I bet Bob Catesby wished he had recruited Roger instead of Guido Fawkes? A man cannot really cause carnage unless his heart is in it.
Roger and Cassandra have some history as lovers. Amusing, Cassandra reacting to Roger slipping out of bed like that… One can make inferences as to what their day to day life together was like. I wonder if the tunic was one she’d pinched?
Anyhow, on seeing the fire Cass is, as I expected, clever and collected enough to immediately see the exact danger it poses and able to mobilise herself quickly. And as I also expected, you have done your research as to the 17th century Londoner style of firefighting – chucking a single bucket of water at it at a time. How would they have tried to bail out the Titanic? :o
Cassandra is at her best in this sequence, I think. It’s all in character. Her sorrow doesn’t incapacitate her, rather her rage and determination enables her to act. And the pace quickens well as Cass probes the burning building. If you rewrote this part now, I expect it would be even better, your overall descriptive style has improved since then.
And then the climax and cliffhanger; definitely my favourite part of Cassie’s story thus far – what on Earth was Roger’s motivation? It is chilling to read. Poor Chantelle… Especially with the flames surrounding him, it gives him a demonic semblance. And the chapter is rounded off so well, as even Cassandra is overwhelmed. Love how the collapsing house mirrors her collapsing world. A very elegant use of symbolism.
52ElectrumquillAs well written and pacey as this draft is, I much prefer the premise of your American Civil War story. It’s just a matter of taste – America is the more interesting setting, the protagonists there are already likeable and alternate history efforts excite my academic interest. As you are so good at history, why not channel it in that direction?
Anyhow, to the point: I haven’t actually decided whether Cass is an anti-heroine or villain protagonist yet. I suppose you will have to write more so that it can be decided.
I like how you use these olfactory signs to immerse the reader straight away. That is certainly true to life - a smell is sometimes all it takes to remind us. Even if it is just the scent of hickory. This technique was improved at the beginning of the civil war story with the scent of tobacco – a more cloying and multi-layered scent.
Ohhhh my, poor Cassandra. Even though she came across as cold and hard earlier, the reader can feel for her when suddenly confronted with this. The absolute worse way possible to be confronted with bad memories – for the malefactor to abruptly show up out of the blue.
Points of note for this section:
I like the quirky comparison of memories and wind whipping through a sail.
It is a big deal that someone like Cassandra is reduced to tears. She is someone who can retreat under her own shell and come across as really cold.
I like the elegant way you work in the little bit of exposition necessary to bring the reader up to speed via Roger gloating – it is in character for him to gloat so congrats on keeping everything flowing and avoiding an info dump. A nitpick though… it is maybe redundant to spell out the “at the thought of his own twisted humour” part. The reader could infer it for themselves, or I could anyway.
So regarding the backstory set in England – I bet Bob Catesby wished he had recruited Roger instead of Guido Fawkes? A man cannot really cause carnage unless his heart is in it.
Roger and Cassandra have some history as lovers. Amusing, Cassandra reacting to Roger slipping out of bed like that… One can make inferences as to what their day to day life together was like. I wonder if the tunic was one she’d pinched?
Anyhow, on seeing the fire Cass is, as I expected, clever and collected enough to immediately see the exact danger it poses and able to mobilise herself quickly. And as I also expected, you have done your research as to the 17th century Londoner style of firefighting – chucking a single bucket of water at it at a time. How would they have tried to bail out the Titanic? :o
Cassandra is at her best in this sequence, I think. It’s all in character. Her sorrow doesn’t incapacitate her, rather her rage and determination enables her to act. And the pace quickens well as Cass probes the burning building. If you rewrote this part now, I expect it would be even better, your overall descriptive style has improved since then.
And then the climax and cliffhanger; definitely my favourite part of Cassie’s story thus far – what on Earth was Roger’s motivation? It is chilling to read. Poor Chantelle… Especially with the flames surrounding him, it gives him a demonic semblance. And the chapter is rounded off so well, as even Cassandra is overwhelmed. Love how the collapsing house mirrors her collapsing world. A very elegant use of symbolism.
3/22/2016 c3 9TheBeastlyPrincess
WOW. Okay I said last chapter about wanting more back story, well I see you are cleverer than I..:3 I liked the memories she had when she saw the guild master because it gives such a clear and almost scary image of what happened. I'm afraid I misjudged you, you have begun to craft something masterful indeed. The back story is so good and I love Roger already!
Something I wonder is why he killed her sister though...but perhaps that is something you will get to in the next chapter.
I also really like the way you describe the fire, because it easily makes an image in my mind of choking black smoke, screaming and so much heat. Very well done there, you have made an excellent choice of adjectives. I will follow this story now..:)
9TheBeastlyPrincessWOW. Okay I said last chapter about wanting more back story, well I see you are cleverer than I..:3 I liked the memories she had when she saw the guild master because it gives such a clear and almost scary image of what happened. I'm afraid I misjudged you, you have begun to craft something masterful indeed. The back story is so good and I love Roger already!
Something I wonder is why he killed her sister though...but perhaps that is something you will get to in the next chapter.
I also really like the way you describe the fire, because it easily makes an image in my mind of choking black smoke, screaming and so much heat. Very well done there, you have made an excellent choice of adjectives. I will follow this story now..:)
3/22/2016 c2 TheBeastlyPrincess
Okay, one thing I have begun to realise I don't like so much is how little I know about Cassandra. This is because while reading this chapter I have found myself wondering: Who is Cassandra? Why is she a thief. I don't know if you have begun the story like that on purpose, but personally I was hoping for a few hints to who she was and how she had become a thief. I mean nobody starts out like that right?
Wow I love the ending. It really makes me want to jump to the next chapter and read more. Gahh so good. I like the way you described him. And the line "a rare thing to see in this world." This once again is a good way to add detail to your setting and you have done it in a clever and subtle way. I must say I am impressed.
Okay, one thing I have begun to realise I don't like so much is how little I know about Cassandra. This is because while reading this chapter I have found myself wondering: Who is Cassandra? Why is she a thief. I don't know if you have begun the story like that on purpose, but personally I was hoping for a few hints to who she was and how she had become a thief. I mean nobody starts out like that right?
Wow I love the ending. It really makes me want to jump to the next chapter and read more. Gahh so good. I like the way you described him. And the line "a rare thing to see in this world." This once again is a good way to add detail to your setting and you have done it in a clever and subtle way. I must say I am impressed.
3/22/2016 c1 TheBeastlyPrincess
I like the style of your writing. Like when you talked about the native american woman and her baby, it really made me think about who Cassandra was and where. The line "she saw them as leeches, parasitic in nature," really makes the reader think about her character and the society you have put her in. I like this because it gives your writing a lot more depth. Making it more realistic. Well done!
I like the ending and the man that attempted to assassinate her because it gives me the impression you are setting the stage for something bigger. It's an effective hook for the readers, well done! onto the next chapter... :D
I like the style of your writing. Like when you talked about the native american woman and her baby, it really made me think about who Cassandra was and where. The line "she saw them as leeches, parasitic in nature," really makes the reader think about her character and the society you have put her in. I like this because it gives your writing a lot more depth. Making it more realistic. Well done!
I like the ending and the man that attempted to assassinate her because it gives me the impression you are setting the stage for something bigger. It's an effective hook for the readers, well done! onto the next chapter... :D
2/11/2016 c3 9Infected Beliefs
RG Multi-chap EF review
Whelp…didn’t expect that after your description of him in the last chapter, but maybe I’m just getting too used to reviewing all these god-awful sappy romances that infest this site. I liked the contrast of how you described Roger this chapter to how you introduced him last chapter. Before she remembered who he was, you described him as handsome, suave, and sophisticated. Afterwards though, you describe his twisted smile, his yellow teeth, his wickedness. Nicely done. (though if he was such a traumatic part of her life it seems odd to me that she didn’t remember him instantly)
This chapter filled the void of plot development that the last chapter left me with. I didn’t even mind the flashback since it served a purpose and fed us backstory on both Cass’ history and her relation with Roger. Since she presumably passed out (the ‘went dark’) I am curious to see what this psychopath does with her. Exciting!
Best of luck to you and your writing!
Infected
9Infected BeliefsRG Multi-chap EF review
Whelp…didn’t expect that after your description of him in the last chapter, but maybe I’m just getting too used to reviewing all these god-awful sappy romances that infest this site. I liked the contrast of how you described Roger this chapter to how you introduced him last chapter. Before she remembered who he was, you described him as handsome, suave, and sophisticated. Afterwards though, you describe his twisted smile, his yellow teeth, his wickedness. Nicely done. (though if he was such a traumatic part of her life it seems odd to me that she didn’t remember him instantly)
This chapter filled the void of plot development that the last chapter left me with. I didn’t even mind the flashback since it served a purpose and fed us backstory on both Cass’ history and her relation with Roger. Since she presumably passed out (the ‘went dark’) I am curious to see what this psychopath does with her. Exciting!
Best of luck to you and your writing!
Infected
2/11/2016 c2 Infected Beliefs
RG Multi-chap EF Review
I can’t imagine how she pushes this hundred and sixty some odd pound dude off of her with an impaled bicep. I just can’t see how she could get her arm to straighten with any sort of force behind it after that. Like, she is all focused on these broken ribs, which suck (don’t get me wrong), but the girl got stabbed through the upper arm last chapter…I kinda feel like this wound is getting downplayed. Also, all her cuts and stab wounds would probably be bleeding everywhere since she didn’t do anything to staunch the bleeding but she’s just like, sauntering through San Juan. Meh, it stuck out at me.
Wait so, she’s a thief (presumably a fairly good one) but she hasn’t had interactions with the thieves guild yet? But she’s familiar with the proceedings and knows the workings of the streets. I rather think that the guild would not allow her to act independently for long enough to become so skilled or renowned. My twopence ;)
Dun Dun Dun! Who’s the hottie?
The chapter seemed a little…empty. Nothing really happened and there was really no plot development. She gets out from under the body, walks to the thieves guild, and that’s about it. Last chapter we had such good forward progression. We were introduced to Cassandra, informed on what she does, and given a few little snippets of her personality. I would have liked something more substantial this chapter.
Don’t get me wrong though, the quality of the writing is just as good as the last chapter, I just felt let down by the plot.
On to chapter 3.
RG Multi-chap EF Review
I can’t imagine how she pushes this hundred and sixty some odd pound dude off of her with an impaled bicep. I just can’t see how she could get her arm to straighten with any sort of force behind it after that. Like, she is all focused on these broken ribs, which suck (don’t get me wrong), but the girl got stabbed through the upper arm last chapter…I kinda feel like this wound is getting downplayed. Also, all her cuts and stab wounds would probably be bleeding everywhere since she didn’t do anything to staunch the bleeding but she’s just like, sauntering through San Juan. Meh, it stuck out at me.
Wait so, she’s a thief (presumably a fairly good one) but she hasn’t had interactions with the thieves guild yet? But she’s familiar with the proceedings and knows the workings of the streets. I rather think that the guild would not allow her to act independently for long enough to become so skilled or renowned. My twopence ;)
Dun Dun Dun! Who’s the hottie?
The chapter seemed a little…empty. Nothing really happened and there was really no plot development. She gets out from under the body, walks to the thieves guild, and that’s about it. Last chapter we had such good forward progression. We were introduced to Cassandra, informed on what she does, and given a few little snippets of her personality. I would have liked something more substantial this chapter.
Don’t get me wrong though, the quality of the writing is just as good as the last chapter, I just felt let down by the plot.
On to chapter 3.
2/11/2016 c1 Infected Beliefs
For RG Multi Chap EF
Still trying to figure out how accurate you are trying to make this vs how fantasy. A silver seems an awfully high price for a cup of rum though, regardless of whether you are going for fact or fiction. This story says that it was set in the 1600’s, a time at which silver was actually being weaned out of the market because of a spike in price due to high demand in eastern trading. Copper became the common coins of the era (called vellón). A silver coin would likely buy her a bottle or three.
I like that Cassandra is racist. Flaws give characters personality.
I would like to hear more about 17th century San Juan. You have a tendency to pay close attention to detail (as evidenced in your WCC piece this month which I will review later today when I get a minute). I would love to see the historical accuracy explored.
Your writing is very good which makes it tremendously easier to read your work and I am eternally grateful for that.
I thought that your knife fight was excellently written. Often, people try to drag out fights and make them more dramatic while in reality, most fights are over brutally quickly. Also, I am glad you wounded her and she didn’t just deftly fend off her opponent. I have been in knife fights and I tell you from experience that no matter how good a fighter is, in a knife fight, everyone gets cut.
Great start so far. Looking forward to continuing.
For RG Multi Chap EF
Still trying to figure out how accurate you are trying to make this vs how fantasy. A silver seems an awfully high price for a cup of rum though, regardless of whether you are going for fact or fiction. This story says that it was set in the 1600’s, a time at which silver was actually being weaned out of the market because of a spike in price due to high demand in eastern trading. Copper became the common coins of the era (called vellón). A silver coin would likely buy her a bottle or three.
I like that Cassandra is racist. Flaws give characters personality.
I would like to hear more about 17th century San Juan. You have a tendency to pay close attention to detail (as evidenced in your WCC piece this month which I will review later today when I get a minute). I would love to see the historical accuracy explored.
Your writing is very good which makes it tremendously easier to read your work and I am eternally grateful for that.
I thought that your knife fight was excellently written. Often, people try to drag out fights and make them more dramatic while in reality, most fights are over brutally quickly. Also, I am glad you wounded her and she didn’t just deftly fend off her opponent. I have been in knife fights and I tell you from experience that no matter how good a fighter is, in a knife fight, everyone gets cut.
Great start so far. Looking forward to continuing.
2/7/2016 c2 deadaccount2019
This is more a random thought, but I found Cassandra's process of regaining consciousness interesting. Personally I tend to regain my cognitive ability first, then my senses, and then my speech capability. Perhaps it's simply the alieness of it, but I found Cassandra's sort of reversed experience kind of scary, and I wonder if she feels a similar fear on some subconscious level because throughout the chapter she comes across more fearful and vulnerable. This is by all means a good thing, however. It gives the reader a deeper glimpse into her character early on without feeling forced or out of place (particularly since she did just survive a physical trauma. :) )
I found the height of tension was during her exchange with the guard. The imagery through her thoughts of feeling like a child next to the man really enhanced the menacing feel of him without relying on heavy physical description, and the almost zen-like quality of how he addresses Cassandra creates this effect that made me think of people holding their breath while a gorilla pets a scared kitten (I hope that makes some sort of sense; I can't think of any other way to describe the feeling at the moment). This was definitely my favorite part of the chapter because I found myself much more aware of the fact that I had no clue what was about to go down.
The pace is terrific this chapter! Throughout you kept a great balance of narrative and description, and the writing only slowed or sped up when it was called for. Even toward the start when Cassandra feels the urgency to leave (when she hears the man on the balcony above), even though the writing would normally call for a faster pace, Cassandra's disorientation kept it at a slower, more realistic pace.
This is more of a personal taste thing, but I thought it felt a bit cheesy making the antagonizing boss a hottie. I've never really understood the point of this in literature, and I found it distracted from more relevant aspects of him such as his affluence or accent, but I will admit you did a good job limiting how much focus would put on his attractiveness.
Other criticism would be the abrupt ending to the chapter. I get the impression that the next chapter will either include backstory or a flashback, but I kind of feel like if that's the case, it could have been included in this chapter. This of course could have been a formatting choice for electronic publication, but in print it would feel a bit like cutting a tv show mid-scene and then airing the two halves on different nights. And of course my thoughts on that could end up changing once I read the next chapter, but for the time being it might help to restructure the end of the chapter to improve a sense of closure for the final scene.
This is more a random thought, but I found Cassandra's process of regaining consciousness interesting. Personally I tend to regain my cognitive ability first, then my senses, and then my speech capability. Perhaps it's simply the alieness of it, but I found Cassandra's sort of reversed experience kind of scary, and I wonder if she feels a similar fear on some subconscious level because throughout the chapter she comes across more fearful and vulnerable. This is by all means a good thing, however. It gives the reader a deeper glimpse into her character early on without feeling forced or out of place (particularly since she did just survive a physical trauma. :) )
I found the height of tension was during her exchange with the guard. The imagery through her thoughts of feeling like a child next to the man really enhanced the menacing feel of him without relying on heavy physical description, and the almost zen-like quality of how he addresses Cassandra creates this effect that made me think of people holding their breath while a gorilla pets a scared kitten (I hope that makes some sort of sense; I can't think of any other way to describe the feeling at the moment). This was definitely my favorite part of the chapter because I found myself much more aware of the fact that I had no clue what was about to go down.
The pace is terrific this chapter! Throughout you kept a great balance of narrative and description, and the writing only slowed or sped up when it was called for. Even toward the start when Cassandra feels the urgency to leave (when she hears the man on the balcony above), even though the writing would normally call for a faster pace, Cassandra's disorientation kept it at a slower, more realistic pace.
This is more of a personal taste thing, but I thought it felt a bit cheesy making the antagonizing boss a hottie. I've never really understood the point of this in literature, and I found it distracted from more relevant aspects of him such as his affluence or accent, but I will admit you did a good job limiting how much focus would put on his attractiveness.
Other criticism would be the abrupt ending to the chapter. I get the impression that the next chapter will either include backstory or a flashback, but I kind of feel like if that's the case, it could have been included in this chapter. This of course could have been a formatting choice for electronic publication, but in print it would feel a bit like cutting a tv show mid-scene and then airing the two halves on different nights. And of course my thoughts on that could end up changing once I read the next chapter, but for the time being it might help to restructure the end of the chapter to improve a sense of closure for the final scene.
2/6/2016 c1 deadaccount2019
The first thing that stands out is that the writing shifts back and forth between past and present. It appears that the intended tense is past, and it works well with the overall feel of the story, but there is no discernible reason for the tense shifts so (assuming I haven't missed anything), that would be something to watch out for during the editing/proofing stage.
I have mixed feelings regarding the imagery, particularly at the start. It's certainly a familiar scene which is good for establishing a quick setting for the reader, but at the same time it comes across a bit hollow because it is such a common opening for a ne'er-do-well character. Ultimately I was left feeling like the first few paragraphs were a prolonged introduction to the story's world, rather than to the story itself. Later on I find the setting imagery becomes so sparse that I'm not quite sure what Cassandra's surroundings are during the fight
With that said, the opening did allow for a very surprising first look at Casandra. From her observation of the native american woman the reader sees she is unabashedly racist, a very sensitive flaw to have especially this early on in a story. I love that you introduce her in this light because even though I find this first look at her detestable, she's an honestly-written character (too few authors are willing to go this road).
Going back more to the writing aspect, one thing that would help a lot with creating tension is to eliminate references to her follower after "she was not the only pickpocket in the night,". It's much more exciting to wonder if a character has been spotted/followed, and I found that the knowledge makes Cassandra's movements and introspect feel dragged out. It also made the stranger's attack less exciting.
On that note, the chapter's finale. Right now you have a good starting point for the fight. Content-wise, I think you have just the right amount of exchange. It could use some elaboration on a couple of elements. Sensory detail was the first thing that comes to mind. There is a lot of visual detail of the fight, but there is a lack of other sensories such as the feel of a nasal strike, auditory (breathing, movement,) etc. Sentence structure is generally good, however I would recommend a bit of restructuring to reduce present participles (words ending with -ing). Immediacy could also use some improvement by eliminating filler words like "suddenly" and restructuring sentences so that they are chronological (case in point, in the first sentence of the second last paragraph, "He kicked her legs out before she could recover," would maintain the exchange's momentum.)
I realize that there's a lot of criticism this chapter, so I want to finish by stating that I actually do like base content and story so far. Knowing nothing of this Santiago fellow, my first question is, was she betrayed by her guild? If so, why? If not, is this person a crime lord? Someone of social standing? A former victim? And my followup line of thought is, why does this Santiago want her dead? You've created a cliffhanger without said hanger being the writing's last thought, which is something I don't see many writers do, and I quite enjoy it because it takes focus from an otherwise common chapter ending.
The first thing that stands out is that the writing shifts back and forth between past and present. It appears that the intended tense is past, and it works well with the overall feel of the story, but there is no discernible reason for the tense shifts so (assuming I haven't missed anything), that would be something to watch out for during the editing/proofing stage.
I have mixed feelings regarding the imagery, particularly at the start. It's certainly a familiar scene which is good for establishing a quick setting for the reader, but at the same time it comes across a bit hollow because it is such a common opening for a ne'er-do-well character. Ultimately I was left feeling like the first few paragraphs were a prolonged introduction to the story's world, rather than to the story itself. Later on I find the setting imagery becomes so sparse that I'm not quite sure what Cassandra's surroundings are during the fight
With that said, the opening did allow for a very surprising first look at Casandra. From her observation of the native american woman the reader sees she is unabashedly racist, a very sensitive flaw to have especially this early on in a story. I love that you introduce her in this light because even though I find this first look at her detestable, she's an honestly-written character (too few authors are willing to go this road).
Going back more to the writing aspect, one thing that would help a lot with creating tension is to eliminate references to her follower after "she was not the only pickpocket in the night,". It's much more exciting to wonder if a character has been spotted/followed, and I found that the knowledge makes Cassandra's movements and introspect feel dragged out. It also made the stranger's attack less exciting.
On that note, the chapter's finale. Right now you have a good starting point for the fight. Content-wise, I think you have just the right amount of exchange. It could use some elaboration on a couple of elements. Sensory detail was the first thing that comes to mind. There is a lot of visual detail of the fight, but there is a lack of other sensories such as the feel of a nasal strike, auditory (breathing, movement,) etc. Sentence structure is generally good, however I would recommend a bit of restructuring to reduce present participles (words ending with -ing). Immediacy could also use some improvement by eliminating filler words like "suddenly" and restructuring sentences so that they are chronological (case in point, in the first sentence of the second last paragraph, "He kicked her legs out before she could recover," would maintain the exchange's momentum.)
I realize that there's a lot of criticism this chapter, so I want to finish by stating that I actually do like base content and story so far. Knowing nothing of this Santiago fellow, my first question is, was she betrayed by her guild? If so, why? If not, is this person a crime lord? Someone of social standing? A former victim? And my followup line of thought is, why does this Santiago want her dead? You've created a cliffhanger without said hanger being the writing's last thought, which is something I don't see many writers do, and I quite enjoy it because it takes focus from an otherwise common chapter ending.
1/19/2016 c3 19Ckh
The impression of slow paced walking is real man. I mean, sure Cassandra is running and all...but I don't really feel the intensity and importance of her family's safety to her, which can be of course attributed to fragments, but in this case is the story itself. I would advise just directly starting off with Cassandra being half-awake in Roger's house, and reacting to the fire instantly (no need to include someone to say that there is fire when you can just describe the smoke), introducing more urgency, and some feelings into the current situation, (Maybe emphasise her expectations about her family a little bit more to add some drive?) making it feel more engaging for the readers to read through.
The descriptions here are good though, I don't deny it, and I really get Roger's impact on Cassandra's life, which is a great job on your part. Overall, I feel that this chapter, though decent could use some more improvements here and there, making it a more enjoyable read for the readers. You believe you can certainly do it, as writing capabilities and foundation are really solid. Until then, all the best, and Adios!
-Ckh
19CkhThe impression of slow paced walking is real man. I mean, sure Cassandra is running and all...but I don't really feel the intensity and importance of her family's safety to her, which can be of course attributed to fragments, but in this case is the story itself. I would advise just directly starting off with Cassandra being half-awake in Roger's house, and reacting to the fire instantly (no need to include someone to say that there is fire when you can just describe the smoke), introducing more urgency, and some feelings into the current situation, (Maybe emphasise her expectations about her family a little bit more to add some drive?) making it feel more engaging for the readers to read through.
The descriptions here are good though, I don't deny it, and I really get Roger's impact on Cassandra's life, which is a great job on your part. Overall, I feel that this chapter, though decent could use some more improvements here and there, making it a more enjoyable read for the readers. You believe you can certainly do it, as writing capabilities and foundation are really solid. Until then, all the best, and Adios!
-Ckh
1/18/2016 c2 11Myst Marshall
All numbers under 100 should be spelled out unless we're talking about time. I wanted to point that out.
Loved the ending. Had an awesome sense of mysteriousness and left me wondering who the heck could it be? Very powerful ending, and captivated me to read the next chapter to find out who he is.
I think the thing I liked most about your stories is that you don't drag out your descriptions, yet leaves enough to let us picture the settings and the characters. Nicely done!
-MM
11Myst MarshallAll numbers under 100 should be spelled out unless we're talking about time. I wanted to point that out.
Loved the ending. Had an awesome sense of mysteriousness and left me wondering who the heck could it be? Very powerful ending, and captivated me to read the next chapter to find out who he is.
I think the thing I liked most about your stories is that you don't drag out your descriptions, yet leaves enough to let us picture the settings and the characters. Nicely done!
-MM
1/18/2016 c2 19Ckh
12 stone eh?
Dunno when they started measuring things in "stone", but its a way of expressiom so urm...I'll stick to the metric system for now.
The Opening nicely sets things up where you left off 2-3 years ago, and I appriecate that you got your bearings back even after the long passing of time. Kudos.
The descriptions don't feel too overwhelmimg, and are actually quite well written, (Eh, read through the depiction of the Guild etc.) along with just the right lengths too, preventing it from being more lengthy.
Roger appears to be someone with a personal agenda against Cassadra here, and you have to wonder albeit how he ever got to that position of Guildmaster in the first place...
Cassadra is also good here, fitting closely with the story, as well as her character actions which exist to reflect her personality.
Overall, this chapter was generally a smooth read, and the engagement factor remaims as well. Wishing you well for future chapters. Adios!
-Ckh
19Ckh12 stone eh?
Dunno when they started measuring things in "stone", but its a way of expressiom so urm...I'll stick to the metric system for now.
The Opening nicely sets things up where you left off 2-3 years ago, and I appriecate that you got your bearings back even after the long passing of time. Kudos.
The descriptions don't feel too overwhelmimg, and are actually quite well written, (Eh, read through the depiction of the Guild etc.) along with just the right lengths too, preventing it from being more lengthy.
Roger appears to be someone with a personal agenda against Cassadra here, and you have to wonder albeit how he ever got to that position of Guildmaster in the first place...
Cassadra is also good here, fitting closely with the story, as well as her character actions which exist to reflect her personality.
Overall, this chapter was generally a smooth read, and the engagement factor remaims as well. Wishing you well for future chapters. Adios!
-Ckh
1/18/2016 c3 11Myst Marshall
Seems like you have a knack of ending things with Cassandra passing out. It's good one or two times, but be careful to not overuse it. It would seem repetitive and boring. Find others ways to end the scene with a bang!
Overall, I liked it. Roger actually pulled me into this story more than Cassandra did. He seems like such an interesting character and I want to know what his motives were for killing her family.
I liked the flashback. It was nicely done without being too draggy or anything. Told us a lot too.
Annnnnnnnd, 3 chapters in 2 years? Come on, update a bit more! You spend so much time on FP, you can update another chapter. :) I'll be waiting for it.
-MM
11Myst MarshallSeems like you have a knack of ending things with Cassandra passing out. It's good one or two times, but be careful to not overuse it. It would seem repetitive and boring. Find others ways to end the scene with a bang!
Overall, I liked it. Roger actually pulled me into this story more than Cassandra did. He seems like such an interesting character and I want to know what his motives were for killing her family.
I liked the flashback. It was nicely done without being too draggy or anything. Told us a lot too.
Annnnnnnnd, 3 chapters in 2 years? Come on, update a bit more! You spend so much time on FP, you can update another chapter. :) I'll be waiting for it.
-MM
1/18/2016 c1 Myst Marshall
One thing I liked about this chapter was your vivid description and your use of vocabulary. Since the setting is located in the past, readers don't see the setting on a day to day basis, but your description has allowed me to envision clearly what your setting looks like. Well done!
One thing you could improve upon is your grammar. For example, "Not a soul turned to look, and her presence is barely acknowledged." Because you are writing in past tense, it is important to keep your sentence consistent with all past tense. Is disrupts the flow of the sentence, so I would suggest changing it to was. You did this a couple of instances, so I would look back through it.
Otherwise, the flow of this chapter was awesome! Your descriptions didn't linger too long and it managed to hold my attention. You had a dose of action, which was good, and it also made me question why he wanted to kill her and why he waited until she was done with stealing to make his move.
Overall, nice job. You did really well establishing your setting, time period, and a bit of Cassandra's skills. Keep up the good work and keep writing.
-MM
One thing I liked about this chapter was your vivid description and your use of vocabulary. Since the setting is located in the past, readers don't see the setting on a day to day basis, but your description has allowed me to envision clearly what your setting looks like. Well done!
One thing you could improve upon is your grammar. For example, "Not a soul turned to look, and her presence is barely acknowledged." Because you are writing in past tense, it is important to keep your sentence consistent with all past tense. Is disrupts the flow of the sentence, so I would suggest changing it to was. You did this a couple of instances, so I would look back through it.
Otherwise, the flow of this chapter was awesome! Your descriptions didn't linger too long and it managed to hold my attention. You had a dose of action, which was good, and it also made me question why he wanted to kill her and why he waited until she was done with stealing to make his move.
Overall, nice job. You did really well establishing your setting, time period, and a bit of Cassandra's skills. Keep up the good work and keep writing.
-MM
1/17/2016 c1 19Ckh
Easy Fix Review:
Woo, that was some intense action right there. Originally, I thought nothing of the story due to summary, but now I am fairly hooked.
The action sequences were descriptive enough to warrant a good, and lasted for just about the usual timing for such battles. Though objectively repetitive, the atmosphere of the piece gives it a more tense and overall fast paced feeling, which I think you had established quite well.
There are few errors in writing structure/grammar and the timeline you have chosen fits the context also. The MC may be reminiscent of other female protagonist novels, but surely you have good plans for her I believe.
Good chapter, solid beginning. Certainly is great enough.
-Ckh
19CkhEasy Fix Review:
Woo, that was some intense action right there. Originally, I thought nothing of the story due to summary, but now I am fairly hooked.
The action sequences were descriptive enough to warrant a good, and lasted for just about the usual timing for such battles. Though objectively repetitive, the atmosphere of the piece gives it a more tense and overall fast paced feeling, which I think you had established quite well.
There are few errors in writing structure/grammar and the timeline you have chosen fits the context also. The MC may be reminiscent of other female protagonist novels, but surely you have good plans for her I believe.
Good chapter, solid beginning. Certainly is great enough.
-Ckh