for The Jade Dragon1/5/2016 c1 
90Timbo Slice
This was a very well written and exciting first chapter! First off I love the setting for this piece as it makes good use of the history of the time period without being too heavy handed with giving a history lesson and despite the story being rooted in reality it does have a sort of fantasy feel with the Thieves Guild and assassins being a major point for this chapter.
Speaking of thieves I really like Cassandra as a character, she does come across as a bit of anti heroine but her resourcefulness and ambition really shine in this chapter in the "crossroads" moment and the brief action scene at the end. Very interested in what this story has in store!
90Timbo SliceThis was a very well written and exciting first chapter! First off I love the setting for this piece as it makes good use of the history of the time period without being too heavy handed with giving a history lesson and despite the story being rooted in reality it does have a sort of fantasy feel with the Thieves Guild and assassins being a major point for this chapter.
Speaking of thieves I really like Cassandra as a character, she does come across as a bit of anti heroine but her resourcefulness and ambition really shine in this chapter in the "crossroads" moment and the brief action scene at the end. Very interested in what this story has in store!
1/1/2016 c3 6Victoria Best
Hello!
This was such an intense chapter! I loved it. Roger is completely and utterly evil, especially this line, "it is hard to forget the smell of burning flesh." That's such a twisted thing to say. The ending was completely shocking and sickening. The fact he would do that right in front of Cassandra's eyes... I'm left speechless. You have created the most unfeeling, terrifying villain, one who brings with him undeniable fear. There seems to be a tendency right now for 'hot' villains, who come across as villain-y but then change their ways, you know? You've created a villain who is, truly, a villain, no ifs or buts about it.
It was also quite upsetting to see that Cassandra may have thought of him as a friend, because she immediately thought he was there to help her. You did a great job of showing her horror when she realises he was the one who started the fire.
If they were friends, then that adds even more depth and complexity to this, and I am left wondering what the reason was for Roger's actions, and why has clearly gone to lengths over the years to find her. He seems to have some obsession with her and I am intrigued as to why. I am also now seriously fearing for her safety, now that he has found her. So yeah, this chapter brought with it lots of mystery and impact and this is shaping up to be a really complex, nail-biting story, and I can only hope Cassandra finds a way to fight her way out of this!
The description in this chapter was wonderful, particularly lines such as, "She blinked the salty liquid out of her eyes," and "words fell on deaf ears." You also captured the fire excellently, and it also enabled us to see how terrified she was.
"Welcome to the party, Cass." This, for me, is a very cliche line for a villain to say to a a protagonist as they enter a scene. I have a lot of guy friends and, as a result, have to watch a lot of superhero films and action films, and this line has certainly been used before, or variations of this line, such as "welcome!" or "glad you could join us!" or "you're late!" etc.
"y-y-you followed me here." Just a personal comment, but I think just one stammer is enough. Two starts to look a little unprofessional and doesn't sound natural.
"Like a serpent waiting to strike," and, "Like wind whipping into a sail." You have two smilies in consecutive sentences, which sounds clumsy. Save one for later down.
Overall though a great chapter and I can't wait to read more!
Thanks for the read and keep writing!
6Victoria BestHello!
This was such an intense chapter! I loved it. Roger is completely and utterly evil, especially this line, "it is hard to forget the smell of burning flesh." That's such a twisted thing to say. The ending was completely shocking and sickening. The fact he would do that right in front of Cassandra's eyes... I'm left speechless. You have created the most unfeeling, terrifying villain, one who brings with him undeniable fear. There seems to be a tendency right now for 'hot' villains, who come across as villain-y but then change their ways, you know? You've created a villain who is, truly, a villain, no ifs or buts about it.
It was also quite upsetting to see that Cassandra may have thought of him as a friend, because she immediately thought he was there to help her. You did a great job of showing her horror when she realises he was the one who started the fire.
If they were friends, then that adds even more depth and complexity to this, and I am left wondering what the reason was for Roger's actions, and why has clearly gone to lengths over the years to find her. He seems to have some obsession with her and I am intrigued as to why. I am also now seriously fearing for her safety, now that he has found her. So yeah, this chapter brought with it lots of mystery and impact and this is shaping up to be a really complex, nail-biting story, and I can only hope Cassandra finds a way to fight her way out of this!
The description in this chapter was wonderful, particularly lines such as, "She blinked the salty liquid out of her eyes," and "words fell on deaf ears." You also captured the fire excellently, and it also enabled us to see how terrified she was.
"Welcome to the party, Cass." This, for me, is a very cliche line for a villain to say to a a protagonist as they enter a scene. I have a lot of guy friends and, as a result, have to watch a lot of superhero films and action films, and this line has certainly been used before, or variations of this line, such as "welcome!" or "glad you could join us!" or "you're late!" etc.
"y-y-you followed me here." Just a personal comment, but I think just one stammer is enough. Two starts to look a little unprofessional and doesn't sound natural.
"Like a serpent waiting to strike," and, "Like wind whipping into a sail." You have two smilies in consecutive sentences, which sounds clumsy. Save one for later down.
Overall though a great chapter and I can't wait to read more!
Thanks for the read and keep writing!
1/1/2016 c1 5Whirlymerle
[Spanish controlled Peurto Rico] should be “Puerto”
[For more then a century] should be “than”
[Her cloak acts a dual purpose] should be acted
I think Cassandra is an interesting character, I was particularly intrigued by her comparison of Native Americans to leeches, given that she recognized that that they have been an oppressed people. I like the commentary because I think it grounds your story into the history and I would personally be interested in seeing that explored further.
When Cassandra made the decision to continue towards the right to the Thieves Guild after imagining what it would be like to be a wealthy woman on her own, I would have liked to see more explicitly her rationale there. I can imagine several reasons for her wanting to continue with the Thieves Guild, but going solo was presented as a much more appealing choice, so I’m curious about how she came to her decision.
Thanks for the read!
5Whirlymerle[Spanish controlled Peurto Rico] should be “Puerto”
[For more then a century] should be “than”
[Her cloak acts a dual purpose] should be acted
I think Cassandra is an interesting character, I was particularly intrigued by her comparison of Native Americans to leeches, given that she recognized that that they have been an oppressed people. I like the commentary because I think it grounds your story into the history and I would personally be interested in seeing that explored further.
When Cassandra made the decision to continue towards the right to the Thieves Guild after imagining what it would be like to be a wealthy woman on her own, I would have liked to see more explicitly her rationale there. I can imagine several reasons for her wanting to continue with the Thieves Guild, but going solo was presented as a much more appealing choice, so I’m curious about how she came to her decision.
Thanks for the read!
12/31/2015 c2 52Electrumquill
Cassandra’s thoughts as she regains consciousness make sense. The memories of the attack should come back to her in bits if she is still dazed. However, shouldn’t she be aware of a man’s corpse lying on top of her? In the very first instance, she should be aware of the body weighing down on her, even though it transpires he is not a very big man (12 stone isn’t even heavy for a man anymore) and the female form is resilient. Probably the exposition of her meeting with the Thieves Guild would be better positioned after she’s moved the carcass.
Protagonist: Cassandra sort of shows a spark of humanity for the first time as she signs over the assassin’s fate. The acknowledgement that the death was a waste is an important difference to gloating about it. Her sneering at beggars and gutter trash shows the outlook we remember from chapter one.
Themes: Good idea for there to be a Thieves Guild, it reminds me of my Dungeons and Dragons days. I wonder if there could have been a way to work details of the Guild into the story with less info dumping…? Anyhow, now that I know of the Guild, I immediately demand details of the membership fees and conditions.
Ending: This Guild Master sounds as if he could actually have come from an aristocratic household, going by his dress and deportment. It’s a good cliffhanger at the end, that Cassandra recognises him from somewhere, but cannot place him. Is this draft connected to other drafts or does it stand alone and self-contained with all this backstory?
52ElectrumquillCassandra’s thoughts as she regains consciousness make sense. The memories of the attack should come back to her in bits if she is still dazed. However, shouldn’t she be aware of a man’s corpse lying on top of her? In the very first instance, she should be aware of the body weighing down on her, even though it transpires he is not a very big man (12 stone isn’t even heavy for a man anymore) and the female form is resilient. Probably the exposition of her meeting with the Thieves Guild would be better positioned after she’s moved the carcass.
Protagonist: Cassandra sort of shows a spark of humanity for the first time as she signs over the assassin’s fate. The acknowledgement that the death was a waste is an important difference to gloating about it. Her sneering at beggars and gutter trash shows the outlook we remember from chapter one.
Themes: Good idea for there to be a Thieves Guild, it reminds me of my Dungeons and Dragons days. I wonder if there could have been a way to work details of the Guild into the story with less info dumping…? Anyhow, now that I know of the Guild, I immediately demand details of the membership fees and conditions.
Ending: This Guild Master sounds as if he could actually have come from an aristocratic household, going by his dress and deportment. It’s a good cliffhanger at the end, that Cassandra recognises him from somewhere, but cannot place him. Is this draft connected to other drafts or does it stand alone and self-contained with all this backstory?
12/30/2015 c1 Electrumquill
Good opening with the mixture of visual and auditory elements: Cassandra’s eyes adjusting to the torchlight and her ears adjusting to the mingled sounds. Slipping amongst them she is inconspicuous… until she flashes a doubloon around? Surely the doubloon was worth a lot more than rum! The doubloon was their highest denomination of currency. Surely silver would be abundantly ostentatious enough for an establishment like this one?
Setting: Cassandra’s detached observations of the crowd in the bar: the yokels, shady business men and the couple fit her character and profession. I notice she has a lot of contempt for the Natives, so probably would not think of them as being oppressed by integration. I would remove the word “oppressed” from that paragraph.
Protagonist: Cassandra does not scruple about who she steals from, that is clear, when the victim has a baby to support. I think an inventory of the coins she has stolen in this scene is required, as well as a re-examining of the system of currency in this time and place.
Conclusion: A well worked and very readable fight at the end. This is a scenario where an act of adrenaline fuelled desperation fits. Cassandra must have learned to be a fighter and is clearly ruthless, especially when desperate.
Eesh, I’m just envisioning that scene at the end with the corpse on top of her. How must that appear to the casual observer?
Good opening with the mixture of visual and auditory elements: Cassandra’s eyes adjusting to the torchlight and her ears adjusting to the mingled sounds. Slipping amongst them she is inconspicuous… until she flashes a doubloon around? Surely the doubloon was worth a lot more than rum! The doubloon was their highest denomination of currency. Surely silver would be abundantly ostentatious enough for an establishment like this one?
Setting: Cassandra’s detached observations of the crowd in the bar: the yokels, shady business men and the couple fit her character and profession. I notice she has a lot of contempt for the Natives, so probably would not think of them as being oppressed by integration. I would remove the word “oppressed” from that paragraph.
Protagonist: Cassandra does not scruple about who she steals from, that is clear, when the victim has a baby to support. I think an inventory of the coins she has stolen in this scene is required, as well as a re-examining of the system of currency in this time and place.
Conclusion: A well worked and very readable fight at the end. This is a scenario where an act of adrenaline fuelled desperation fits. Cassandra must have learned to be a fighter and is clearly ruthless, especially when desperate.
Eesh, I’m just envisioning that scene at the end with the corpse on top of her. How must that appear to the casual observer?
12/30/2015 c2 6Victoria Best
Hello!
Good chapter. The writing felt smooth, all flowing naturally and Cassansra continues to be an intriguing character. I am also interested in learning more about the Guild Master and it seems that Cassandra knows him somehow, and I am intrigued to know how and what their history is. I have a feeling from the description of him that you gave us that he will be another strong character, and he comes across as quite enigmatic, so I am hoping he has some and fascinating quirks. Also, I think that Cassandta felt some attraction towards him, owing to the slight flush creeping in her cheeks when speaking to him. So yeah, you've set the plot up in this chapter and I would love to see how it all plays out! :D
The description in this was excellent, particularly the way you describe pain, such as the line, "Tendrils of pain shooting throug her body," and the description of the excruciating pain of her "surely broken rib." Other strong pieces of description were, "Blood washing them in a deep scarlet," and, "Sardonic smile displayed upon her lips." So yeah, rich, lovely descriptions that clearly enabled me to visualise the scenes.
You also do a great job with implementing short sentences after long ones to add impact, such as the line, "She remembered."
I loved the subtle humour in this, such as the line about lifting a weight off of your shoulders. It hinted that Cassandra is quite a snarky, witty character, which I think makes her even more likeable.
I don't think the seafarer character is necessary. He doesn't add anything to the scene and just slows it down, and introducing two characters one after the other dilutes the second character somewhat, if that makes sense. Paraphrasing the section, for example, "A gruff man pointed the way to me," would speed the scene up a lot and also give the Guild Master the full spotlight he deserves.
No other constructive stuff though. It all get crisp to me. Another strong chapter!
Thanks for the read and keep writing!
6Victoria BestHello!
Good chapter. The writing felt smooth, all flowing naturally and Cassansra continues to be an intriguing character. I am also interested in learning more about the Guild Master and it seems that Cassandra knows him somehow, and I am intrigued to know how and what their history is. I have a feeling from the description of him that you gave us that he will be another strong character, and he comes across as quite enigmatic, so I am hoping he has some and fascinating quirks. Also, I think that Cassandta felt some attraction towards him, owing to the slight flush creeping in her cheeks when speaking to him. So yeah, you've set the plot up in this chapter and I would love to see how it all plays out! :D
The description in this was excellent, particularly the way you describe pain, such as the line, "Tendrils of pain shooting throug her body," and the description of the excruciating pain of her "surely broken rib." Other strong pieces of description were, "Blood washing them in a deep scarlet," and, "Sardonic smile displayed upon her lips." So yeah, rich, lovely descriptions that clearly enabled me to visualise the scenes.
You also do a great job with implementing short sentences after long ones to add impact, such as the line, "She remembered."
I loved the subtle humour in this, such as the line about lifting a weight off of your shoulders. It hinted that Cassandra is quite a snarky, witty character, which I think makes her even more likeable.
I don't think the seafarer character is necessary. He doesn't add anything to the scene and just slows it down, and introducing two characters one after the other dilutes the second character somewhat, if that makes sense. Paraphrasing the section, for example, "A gruff man pointed the way to me," would speed the scene up a lot and also give the Guild Master the full spotlight he deserves.
No other constructive stuff though. It all get crisp to me. Another strong chapter!
Thanks for the read and keep writing!
12/29/2015 c1 kumamon
The premise of the story, although set in the real world, reminds me of Tamriel for some reason. I imagine her to be in Riften, although it's stated that she's in Puerto Rico. Good job on setting the premise, I'll give you that.
I flunked History, so I don't know who's stronger - Spain or Europe, but if German's in the equation, then I know who's winning. Although written in third person, I can somewhat pick up on Cass's distaste for the European. I'll assume she's Spanish here. You shy away from adjectives and leave everything up to your readers. From what I gathered, I'll assume that Cass has wavy, dark orange hair that she pulls into a bun, and freckles. She is either very fair or very tanned. I'm prepared to be very wrong, but this is the image that Cass gives me.
The fighting scene in the end is supposed to pick up the plot's pace, so it isn't drawn out and ends swiftly, making it realistic because an assassin is very quick in completing their tasks. I almost assumed that Cass would find a note in the assassin's pocket from his employer. Someone must be out to get her for being a pickpocket, or it might be someone with a hidden agenda.
Although this chapter is very short, the pacing is quick, and you don't shy away from being direct. It's a huge contrast to how I write, so this is a breath of fresh air. I hope to see more of your story, and I hope that I didn't get anything wrong. Cheers!
The premise of the story, although set in the real world, reminds me of Tamriel for some reason. I imagine her to be in Riften, although it's stated that she's in Puerto Rico. Good job on setting the premise, I'll give you that.
I flunked History, so I don't know who's stronger - Spain or Europe, but if German's in the equation, then I know who's winning. Although written in third person, I can somewhat pick up on Cass's distaste for the European. I'll assume she's Spanish here. You shy away from adjectives and leave everything up to your readers. From what I gathered, I'll assume that Cass has wavy, dark orange hair that she pulls into a bun, and freckles. She is either very fair or very tanned. I'm prepared to be very wrong, but this is the image that Cass gives me.
The fighting scene in the end is supposed to pick up the plot's pace, so it isn't drawn out and ends swiftly, making it realistic because an assassin is very quick in completing their tasks. I almost assumed that Cass would find a note in the assassin's pocket from his employer. Someone must be out to get her for being a pickpocket, or it might be someone with a hidden agenda.
Although this chapter is very short, the pacing is quick, and you don't shy away from being direct. It's a huge contrast to how I write, so this is a breath of fresh air. I hope to see more of your story, and I hope that I didn't get anything wrong. Cheers!
12/21/2015 c1 Victoria Best
Hello!
I enjoyed this! I felt it was a strong start to the story.
I particularly liked the way you wrote the action at the end of the chapter. Clearly enabled me to visualise it and altogether created an intense, nail-biting, powerful scene, without over-explaining or becoming too 'pretty' with the language.
The description was excellent, such as: "disrupted the stillness of the night" and "shadowing her every move" and the choice of the word "vaulted." Great pieces of description that enhanced the story but did not distract from it - just the right balance.
My favourite line has to be "leeches, parasitic in nature." That was a really gorgeous piece of imagery! And not only that, but it did really help to convey the image of what the Carabis were like. You really have a way with words!
Few points to think about: "sauntered up to the bar, and called." There does not need to be a comma before the 'and' in this sentence.
"He said 'Sorry,'" should be structured as "he said: 'sorry.'"
You have two sentences almost consecutively in the same paragraph that both begin with the same structure: "she swiftly" and then "she abruptly."
"Unnoticed by cassandra , he" - there is a space before the comma, although this could be a Fictionpress formatting issue before, which I have also had in the past. Fictionpress just seems to love putting random spaces in!
"Tall man with a scraggy beard" - I didn't get a feel for what the character looked like based on this little description alone.
You also over-explained a couple of times at the end of the chapter: "Cassandra took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves." It is obvious she is trying to calm her nerves, so you do not need to include this section or it becomes 'telling' rather than 'showing'. Another example of this was "throbbed in pain." We do not need the "in pain" part.
Otherwise I really enjoyed this and felt it was a powerful start to the story. It also had an intriguing quality to it and certainly made me want to continue reading.
Keep writing!
Vicky
Hello!
I enjoyed this! I felt it was a strong start to the story.
I particularly liked the way you wrote the action at the end of the chapter. Clearly enabled me to visualise it and altogether created an intense, nail-biting, powerful scene, without over-explaining or becoming too 'pretty' with the language.
The description was excellent, such as: "disrupted the stillness of the night" and "shadowing her every move" and the choice of the word "vaulted." Great pieces of description that enhanced the story but did not distract from it - just the right balance.
My favourite line has to be "leeches, parasitic in nature." That was a really gorgeous piece of imagery! And not only that, but it did really help to convey the image of what the Carabis were like. You really have a way with words!
Few points to think about: "sauntered up to the bar, and called." There does not need to be a comma before the 'and' in this sentence.
"He said 'Sorry,'" should be structured as "he said: 'sorry.'"
You have two sentences almost consecutively in the same paragraph that both begin with the same structure: "she swiftly" and then "she abruptly."
"Unnoticed by cassandra , he" - there is a space before the comma, although this could be a Fictionpress formatting issue before, which I have also had in the past. Fictionpress just seems to love putting random spaces in!
"Tall man with a scraggy beard" - I didn't get a feel for what the character looked like based on this little description alone.
You also over-explained a couple of times at the end of the chapter: "Cassandra took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves." It is obvious she is trying to calm her nerves, so you do not need to include this section or it becomes 'telling' rather than 'showing'. Another example of this was "throbbed in pain." We do not need the "in pain" part.
Otherwise I really enjoyed this and felt it was a powerful start to the story. It also had an intriguing quality to it and certainly made me want to continue reading.
Keep writing!
Vicky
12/21/2015 c3 20Ventracere
Welp. Meant to get this review to you last night, but I didn't want to give you a ramble-y review... Anwayys, here we go!
"the words coming out of his mouth fell on deaf ears" - you can get rid of "coming out of his mouth". You mentioned that he opened his mouth earlier, so this is a bit repetitive.
"Her breath coming in shallow breaths now" you don't need the now.
"I had hope Roger would spend..." - should that be hoped?
"Brick by brick, for Cassandra, felt like a century" - I don't think you need "for cassandra" in there. That might just be me, but I think with that extra designation in there, it feels a bit awkward and a bit extraneous.
You use "she could hear" or "Cassandra could hear" a couple times pretty close to each other. Maybe change up the words a bit so it doesn't feel all that repetitive.
"Judging by their length" - I think this is fine, just that it seems a bit weird to describe corpses like that? Should it be height? Not sure - it just read a little funny to be describing corpses by their lengths.
I think I saw this in your other chapter as well, but forgot to point it out, but generally, commas could go inside the quotations as well. It's more of a matter of personal style and what you're used to. When you have dialogue, it's better to put the punctuation within the quotes, even if it is a comma instead of !, ., or ?.
Plotwise, this was an interesting one. I was a bit curious where 1605 came from. Cassandra and Roger don't exactly talk the way I would have expected them to during such a time period, but hey. As long as you're consistent, who am I to say? We get to see Cassandra interact with someone she hasn't seen in a bit - AND we get to see a bit more about her character. She's lost a lot thanks to this man. I'm surprised she isn't consumed by rage - maybe that'll come later? Who knows. I'm curious how she's going to deal with him. Right now, he's the main antagonist, considering he's responsible for tearing apart her family.
Thanks for the read! :)
20VentracereWelp. Meant to get this review to you last night, but I didn't want to give you a ramble-y review... Anwayys, here we go!
"the words coming out of his mouth fell on deaf ears" - you can get rid of "coming out of his mouth". You mentioned that he opened his mouth earlier, so this is a bit repetitive.
"Her breath coming in shallow breaths now" you don't need the now.
"I had hope Roger would spend..." - should that be hoped?
"Brick by brick, for Cassandra, felt like a century" - I don't think you need "for cassandra" in there. That might just be me, but I think with that extra designation in there, it feels a bit awkward and a bit extraneous.
You use "she could hear" or "Cassandra could hear" a couple times pretty close to each other. Maybe change up the words a bit so it doesn't feel all that repetitive.
"Judging by their length" - I think this is fine, just that it seems a bit weird to describe corpses like that? Should it be height? Not sure - it just read a little funny to be describing corpses by their lengths.
I think I saw this in your other chapter as well, but forgot to point it out, but generally, commas could go inside the quotations as well. It's more of a matter of personal style and what you're used to. When you have dialogue, it's better to put the punctuation within the quotes, even if it is a comma instead of !, ., or ?.
Plotwise, this was an interesting one. I was a bit curious where 1605 came from. Cassandra and Roger don't exactly talk the way I would have expected them to during such a time period, but hey. As long as you're consistent, who am I to say? We get to see Cassandra interact with someone she hasn't seen in a bit - AND we get to see a bit more about her character. She's lost a lot thanks to this man. I'm surprised she isn't consumed by rage - maybe that'll come later? Who knows. I'm curious how she's going to deal with him. Right now, he's the main antagonist, considering he's responsible for tearing apart her family.
Thanks for the read! :)
12/19/2015 c1 43LuckycoolHawk9
I really liked the fact that you went out of your way to describe everything Cassanadra saw because it made a clear view on the world and it was really quite impressive to be honest. I also really liked the fight scene between Cassandra and her foe because it also managed to show where her true skills lie. I was also stunned by the cliff-hanger and that was quite good to see and made me wish to read more.
(This is generally how rule 10's work, so out of guilt, this is my review for chapter 1 of your story. Thanks for fixing your mistake and allow me to return the favor.)
43LuckycoolHawk9I really liked the fact that you went out of your way to describe everything Cassanadra saw because it made a clear view on the world and it was really quite impressive to be honest. I also really liked the fight scene between Cassandra and her foe because it also managed to show where her true skills lie. I was also stunned by the cliff-hanger and that was quite good to see and made me wish to read more.
(This is generally how rule 10's work, so out of guilt, this is my review for chapter 1 of your story. Thanks for fixing your mistake and allow me to return the favor.)
12/19/2015 c2 20Ventracere
Alrighty. So I think I'm going to work a bit backwards here. But first things first, this chapter was a slower one, but that's okay. It's filled to the brim with worldbuilding in a way that doesn't overload me with information at the same time. Those are the two biggest things. Without further ado, here we go.
The thing I loved about the opening was how simple it is. There isn't a fanfare over how she woke up and felt pain shooting up her body and her inability to move, blah. You set it up in a way that seems natural and not trite - in other words, you don't make it dramatic. There's no point in drawing out a fight that you don't need to revisit, and I'm incredibly glad you didn't. You have a couple points where you do remind the reader what happened in the previous chapter, but don't splatter it everywhere. Nice.
Moving onwards, you get right to the point. She has a task here and she's already wasted enough time being unconscious. Not going to lie, I smiled when you had the little interjection about the weight off her shoulders. That makes the story a little less bland and gives it a little more color besides all the descriptions that you have scattered throughout the chapter. Nice. That said, you have all these little interjections from her thoughts here and there. I'm a big fan of those, considering they give us a bit more of her character.
Which brings me to my next point. Cassandra's an interesting one. We actually don't have much of a feel for her just yet. I know this is only the second chapter, but I'm already hitting the point where I want to know more about her personality (this is me, not your writing). I want to know what makes her tick. Sure, we see her interact with the guild master, we know she's confident in her abilities. But we don't exactly see her weaknesses just yet. I know, I know, I have to wait, haha. That said, I like that we can see her determination and perhaps even a motivation for doing what she does? She wants to be the person behind that desk she thinks is unfit for the man behind it. What's her story? WHy isn't she the one sitting behind the desk? What makes her dislike the man so much? That's what I want to know. We don't have a clear view of the Guild Master just yet, but from Cassandra's perspective, he's already not painted in a great light. Just who is he?
And that brings us right to the ending. That's the hook. (This is more of a minor personal squick, so feel free to ignore). I'm not the biggest fan of using ellipses, they're great for giving an ominous tone, I'll give you that. But when it comes to an ending, for me it feels a bit empty? I wouldn't go as far as to say it feels cheesy, but using it as a shot doesn't sit well.
20VentracereAlrighty. So I think I'm going to work a bit backwards here. But first things first, this chapter was a slower one, but that's okay. It's filled to the brim with worldbuilding in a way that doesn't overload me with information at the same time. Those are the two biggest things. Without further ado, here we go.
The thing I loved about the opening was how simple it is. There isn't a fanfare over how she woke up and felt pain shooting up her body and her inability to move, blah. You set it up in a way that seems natural and not trite - in other words, you don't make it dramatic. There's no point in drawing out a fight that you don't need to revisit, and I'm incredibly glad you didn't. You have a couple points where you do remind the reader what happened in the previous chapter, but don't splatter it everywhere. Nice.
Moving onwards, you get right to the point. She has a task here and she's already wasted enough time being unconscious. Not going to lie, I smiled when you had the little interjection about the weight off her shoulders. That makes the story a little less bland and gives it a little more color besides all the descriptions that you have scattered throughout the chapter. Nice. That said, you have all these little interjections from her thoughts here and there. I'm a big fan of those, considering they give us a bit more of her character.
Which brings me to my next point. Cassandra's an interesting one. We actually don't have much of a feel for her just yet. I know this is only the second chapter, but I'm already hitting the point where I want to know more about her personality (this is me, not your writing). I want to know what makes her tick. Sure, we see her interact with the guild master, we know she's confident in her abilities. But we don't exactly see her weaknesses just yet. I know, I know, I have to wait, haha. That said, I like that we can see her determination and perhaps even a motivation for doing what she does? She wants to be the person behind that desk she thinks is unfit for the man behind it. What's her story? WHy isn't she the one sitting behind the desk? What makes her dislike the man so much? That's what I want to know. We don't have a clear view of the Guild Master just yet, but from Cassandra's perspective, he's already not painted in a great light. Just who is he?
And that brings us right to the ending. That's the hook. (This is more of a minor personal squick, so feel free to ignore). I'm not the biggest fan of using ellipses, they're great for giving an ominous tone, I'll give you that. But when it comes to an ending, for me it feels a bit empty? I wouldn't go as far as to say it feels cheesy, but using it as a shot doesn't sit well.
12/16/2015 c1 1DannyFenton123
Interesting! I really like the tension of this opening chapter, how whe's being shadowed by this stranger. It makes me wonder why he wanted her dead so much... for the loot, or something more?
The ending also pulls me in. I want to know what will happen when she wakes up. After all, she's badly injured. Perhaps the only thing I can think of as critism is that we don't see very much of Cassandra's personality; she's a very good thief and fighter, maybe a little mischevious from the opening scene, but that's sort of it. Nothing that can't be explained in the next few chapters, but still a little something to think about.
Awesome opening chapter. I really want to read more :D
1DannyFenton123Interesting! I really like the tension of this opening chapter, how whe's being shadowed by this stranger. It makes me wonder why he wanted her dead so much... for the loot, or something more?
The ending also pulls me in. I want to know what will happen when she wakes up. After all, she's badly injured. Perhaps the only thing I can think of as critism is that we don't see very much of Cassandra's personality; she's a very good thief and fighter, maybe a little mischevious from the opening scene, but that's sort of it. Nothing that can't be explained in the next few chapters, but still a little something to think about.
Awesome opening chapter. I really want to read more :D
12/15/2015 c1 20Ventracere
Opening: well, this was fun. You start out with something mundane, but enough of a hint of something else to keep my attention. You create this atmosphere that makes me want to know more about Cassandra, just what she is about to do. It's a good hook, and you've definitely got my attention.
Spelling/Grammar: just something quick: "and it took all of Cassandras..." You forgot an apostrophe.
Pacing: I think this is the only qualm I have with this piece. You've created this great atmosphere, but it's quick. Your readers have to be quick on their toes so they don't miss a piece of the action. That's not the problem (big fan of that actually). It's just with the pace you're going at, everything feels a bit superficial. We don't get to see much of the fight. It's quick, one two three, done. While I agree that you don't want to drag the fight on for too long, it would help to space out the fight a bit more, put in breaks in the paragraph to give a sense of time. Otherwise everything flows into one continuous piece. Again, not a bad thing, just a minor squick.
Scene: the action was fantastic. It was quick, flighty, and it fit the scene. Again, you didn't drag it on for too long and kept it bare - there was no drama to it. I'm a huge fan of how you didn't make it seem like Cassandra was "all powerful" and definitely going to win. She had to take a few blows to make it convincing, so thank you for doing that. That's one of my biggest pet peeves, and you bypassed that one just fine. She's not perfect and you've just made a whole lot more room for character development than had you not.
Ending: Oh fun stuff. Ending on a cliffy where she might just die. Well, I'm going to go ahead and assume she's not dead considering there are other chapters, but who's going to find her? That's the real question? Is anyone going to find her or is she able to pick herself up without a problem? Eh, either way, it's a fitting ending for a quick, but action packed chapter!
Thanks for the read :)
20VentracereOpening: well, this was fun. You start out with something mundane, but enough of a hint of something else to keep my attention. You create this atmosphere that makes me want to know more about Cassandra, just what she is about to do. It's a good hook, and you've definitely got my attention.
Spelling/Grammar: just something quick: "and it took all of Cassandras..." You forgot an apostrophe.
Pacing: I think this is the only qualm I have with this piece. You've created this great atmosphere, but it's quick. Your readers have to be quick on their toes so they don't miss a piece of the action. That's not the problem (big fan of that actually). It's just with the pace you're going at, everything feels a bit superficial. We don't get to see much of the fight. It's quick, one two three, done. While I agree that you don't want to drag the fight on for too long, it would help to space out the fight a bit more, put in breaks in the paragraph to give a sense of time. Otherwise everything flows into one continuous piece. Again, not a bad thing, just a minor squick.
Scene: the action was fantastic. It was quick, flighty, and it fit the scene. Again, you didn't drag it on for too long and kept it bare - there was no drama to it. I'm a huge fan of how you didn't make it seem like Cassandra was "all powerful" and definitely going to win. She had to take a few blows to make it convincing, so thank you for doing that. That's one of my biggest pet peeves, and you bypassed that one just fine. She's not perfect and you've just made a whole lot more room for character development than had you not.
Ending: Oh fun stuff. Ending on a cliffy where she might just die. Well, I'm going to go ahead and assume she's not dead considering there are other chapters, but who's going to find her? That's the real question? Is anyone going to find her or is she able to pick herself up without a problem? Eh, either way, it's a fitting ending for a quick, but action packed chapter!
Thanks for the read :)
12/15/2015 c1 6HarryPotterForever3
I like how you show the scene more than just tell us about it. You have an extremely strong opening that draws the reader in by just dropping them into the action sequence which works in Adventure stories extremely well. I like how it gives a unique perspective on history. Most Natives, and Europeans were enemies, and Europeans did leech off the land by taking instead of earning in the beginning. Even with that I don't find Cassandra very relatable, but maybe that is just me. It is important to be able to relate to your character, and in fantasy it is sometimes hard. All and all an interesting story that I may continue to read, even though it sees a bit cliche, poor person(typically a lady), and her struggle in a situation, not seeing the danger/ enemy that is there. It is a good story and I know even I struggle with falling into these kinds of things, and they do get better with practice. Overall Good Job, and Keep Writing.
6HarryPotterForever3I like how you show the scene more than just tell us about it. You have an extremely strong opening that draws the reader in by just dropping them into the action sequence which works in Adventure stories extremely well. I like how it gives a unique perspective on history. Most Natives, and Europeans were enemies, and Europeans did leech off the land by taking instead of earning in the beginning. Even with that I don't find Cassandra very relatable, but maybe that is just me. It is important to be able to relate to your character, and in fantasy it is sometimes hard. All and all an interesting story that I may continue to read, even though it sees a bit cliche, poor person(typically a lady), and her struggle in a situation, not seeing the danger/ enemy that is there. It is a good story and I know even I struggle with falling into these kinds of things, and they do get better with practice. Overall Good Job, and Keep Writing.
12/15/2015 c1 5WaterBudget
For the RG EF
I like Cassandra because she's coldhearted like a proper thief should be. The way she takes money from a man (who has a baby to support!) and her dispatch of her stalker are good examples of her general attitude.
Since Puerto Rico was a place colonized by the Spanish, I'm surprised her thief name (Jade Dragon) isn't more...er, Spanish related. The story is titled "The Jade Dragon," so I imagine it would be difficult to change. Still, I wonder if she's from the East/Asia (or has traveled there), which is the impression the name Jade Dragon gives.
You lapse into present tense a couple of times, but it's a minor issue.
"His sneer is rapidly replaced" - "His sneer was rapidly replaced"
"After all they would not grow to call her the Jade Dragon for nothing" - This implies that she hasn't yet earned this nickname. Probably intentional?
Likely it's part of the narration style, but the paragraph that starts "She is the greatest thief Puerto Rico" and ends with "she shall steal from many a drunkard" is entirely present tense. It might be better to not "tell" us this but rather to "show" us what a great thief she is.
Good start!
5WaterBudgetFor the RG EF
I like Cassandra because she's coldhearted like a proper thief should be. The way she takes money from a man (who has a baby to support!) and her dispatch of her stalker are good examples of her general attitude.
Since Puerto Rico was a place colonized by the Spanish, I'm surprised her thief name (Jade Dragon) isn't more...er, Spanish related. The story is titled "The Jade Dragon," so I imagine it would be difficult to change. Still, I wonder if she's from the East/Asia (or has traveled there), which is the impression the name Jade Dragon gives.
You lapse into present tense a couple of times, but it's a minor issue.
"His sneer is rapidly replaced" - "His sneer was rapidly replaced"
"After all they would not grow to call her the Jade Dragon for nothing" - This implies that she hasn't yet earned this nickname. Probably intentional?
Likely it's part of the narration style, but the paragraph that starts "She is the greatest thief Puerto Rico" and ends with "she shall steal from many a drunkard" is entirely present tense. It might be better to not "tell" us this but rather to "show" us what a great thief she is.
Good start!