for The Jade Dragon12/14/2015 c3 
1Cheddar-Graham
Hmm, the possibility of romance just plummeted with the opening scene, though it could be one of those twisted relationships, I suppose. The tears surprised me. You’d given the impression that Jade is a super tough badass lady type and well, I guess that type to me includes the characteristic ‘not a cryer’. Also, the use of the term ‘boy’ threw me a bit because I thought at first they were childhood friends and Roger was psychotic even as a child. Hmm, maybe I should have looked at the years and calculated, but i hardly ever do things like that.
Another nitpicky point: I think you could up the urgency in the fire scene. Cass should have gone to her family home first thing, the warehouse be damned. The way it was narrated, it was like she took a leisurely stroll, stopped to think about the water situation and then only made her way home.
On the positive side, the progression of events was very easy to follow in terms of chronology, and you’ve set up a solid foundation for any future dealings between Roger and Cass. We know the state and origins of their relationship, and that will colour whatever we read about them from now on.
1Cheddar-GrahamHmm, the possibility of romance just plummeted with the opening scene, though it could be one of those twisted relationships, I suppose. The tears surprised me. You’d given the impression that Jade is a super tough badass lady type and well, I guess that type to me includes the characteristic ‘not a cryer’. Also, the use of the term ‘boy’ threw me a bit because I thought at first they were childhood friends and Roger was psychotic even as a child. Hmm, maybe I should have looked at the years and calculated, but i hardly ever do things like that.
Another nitpicky point: I think you could up the urgency in the fire scene. Cass should have gone to her family home first thing, the warehouse be damned. The way it was narrated, it was like she took a leisurely stroll, stopped to think about the water situation and then only made her way home.
On the positive side, the progression of events was very easy to follow in terms of chronology, and you’ve set up a solid foundation for any future dealings between Roger and Cass. We know the state and origins of their relationship, and that will colour whatever we read about them from now on.
12/4/2015 c2 Cheddar-Graham
You have more details here, of the room, of the people, and I think that does make a difference to helping to immerse the reader in your world. I hope you don’t do overdo it though, and by that I think you can tell that I pay much more attention to plot and characters than setting when I read stuff.
On character description, you give very clear vignettes of people, which I like. It seems your style is to give a relatively detailed account of appearance right away upon the first intro of a character. Tht works just fine for side characters like the doorman and the assassin, but for main characters, I’d suggest saving some details for when they have a dialogue later, or interact more closely with each other – plenty of time for that after all since they’d be sticking around.
Finally, any possibility of romance? Cause I’m getting Du Maurier vibes from the last scene...
You have more details here, of the room, of the people, and I think that does make a difference to helping to immerse the reader in your world. I hope you don’t do overdo it though, and by that I think you can tell that I pay much more attention to plot and characters than setting when I read stuff.
On character description, you give very clear vignettes of people, which I like. It seems your style is to give a relatively detailed account of appearance right away upon the first intro of a character. Tht works just fine for side characters like the doorman and the assassin, but for main characters, I’d suggest saving some details for when they have a dialogue later, or interact more closely with each other – plenty of time for that after all since they’d be sticking around.
Finally, any possibility of romance? Cause I’m getting Du Maurier vibes from the last scene...
12/4/2015 c1 Cheddar-Graham
You decided to start right off with an inherently not-very-likeable main character, which is a risk because in effect you’re setting up a challenge for yourself to make readers relate to her – an uphill battle, so to speak. Most writers would give the character at least one redeeming feature or quirk, or hint at her background that makes her what she is. I suppose her skill would count in a way... I think the title of Jade Dragon is not that suitable actually – as a thief who keeps her identity hidden I’d expect something more like Jade Shadow or Phantom.
Some people would complain about the relative lack of setting/backgroud but I’m fine with what you’ve got. Maybe a few more little details to help the atmosphere along – you don’t have to describe the stuffing out of everything. Finally, the ending was a classic cliffhanger, and serves its purpose well.
You decided to start right off with an inherently not-very-likeable main character, which is a risk because in effect you’re setting up a challenge for yourself to make readers relate to her – an uphill battle, so to speak. Most writers would give the character at least one redeeming feature or quirk, or hint at her background that makes her what she is. I suppose her skill would count in a way... I think the title of Jade Dragon is not that suitable actually – as a thief who keeps her identity hidden I’d expect something more like Jade Shadow or Phantom.
Some people would complain about the relative lack of setting/backgroud but I’m fine with what you’ve got. Maybe a few more little details to help the atmosphere along – you don’t have to describe the stuffing out of everything. Finally, the ending was a classic cliffhanger, and serves its purpose well.