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12/8/2013 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
I really like the voice of the character, and the use of Vegas, as a backdrop, as characters’ names, it all fits together nicely and the style works brilliantly to bring it all together. As a short story, really good stuff. To be honest, I’d love to see this expanded (if you ever thought of doing that), maybe using what he did to the rich & famous, building a relationship between him and his partner in crime…
Anyway. It’s a strong piece, and I really enjoyed reading it. Good stuff.
10/9/2013 c1 10DappledKarma
I liked how unhinged the protagonist became as the story progressed. Also, Vegas as a personification and metaphor for the city was really nice. Would read again (and probably will).
10/3/2013 c1 Argentum Vir
I like the idea of the story. Sin city is a pretty hot topic among my friends and I. With movies like the Hangover, it's neat to see a slightly darker (only slightly darker since the main character didn't get too far deep) side of Vegas.

I like how you use the girl, Vegas, as a sort of personification of the city. Both iterations told a smaller story of the city. The younger version I thought felt like the better aspects. Pretty, yet young and still open minded to happenings, and some restraint via the parents. The older Vegas was the darker aspect. Kinda self-explanatory if you ask me.

I didn't like how jumbled the character's thoughts got. It seemed to me that it became harder and harder to follow the story. While that may have been what you were going for, I felt like it became slightly unnecessary.

I also felt like the drugs were an afterthought. Some of them were recognizable, and some just felt like they were 'there' if I'm making any sense.

The story itself was actually very well written. I would definitely read it again.
10/3/2013 c1 deadaccount2019
There are a lot of sentences that begin with conjunctions. It's generally better to avoid starting sentences with "and, but, or" and other connecting words. Sometimes it can be gotten away with for the sake of emphasis, but the frequency of starter conjunctions actually detracted from the impact of the lines where it was used.

There are points where some sentences would be better divided into more than one, or at least commas added. In the shorter sentences the rambling flows very nicely, but there are other parts that feel too forced derail the feeling. The most notable example would be:

[So I drove my Vegas back to the hotel...my babygirl Vegas and me.]

There are a couple others not quite as long, but also lose their power due to length.

I love how as the story progresses, the protagonist's voice changes. I can almost hear him aging as it moves on, starting in late childhood, leading to crass adolescence, and eventually evolving to a pretty unsavory adult. Probably the bonus aspect is that there's always a hint of sadness.

Despite the nitpicking, I really enjoyed the story overall. Very good pacing, plenty of emotion, and just the right train-wreck effect to keep the reader's attention from straying. :)
10/3/2013 c1 5Persevera
I like the sentences, "The Vegas lights raised me. The lights of my city lit up my dreams every night and every day." It's a great way to introduce the narrator's love-hate relationship with his hometown.
I don't like the way he grew up, embracing everything he thought he despised. It's easy to understand how he tried to cover up his guilt and self-disgust with the toys and drugs, but it's not like he would have been a model citizen of another town. A criminal mind is criminal, wherever it is.
10/3/2013 c1 6CountryGal12
[Review for The Review Game Forum.]

One thing I liked about this was how you wrote this. I have seen various versions of this kind of story, but this has to be my favorite.

One thing I disliked was how much you used the f-bomb. I don't think it gave the effect that you wanted it to give it.

Overall: Was it worth my read? Yes.

Would I request this in the near future? Yes.

10/2/2013 c1 28Nitzer
This is a really lovely topic. I love the way you handle a really infamous place. The end seems a bit disjointed though. It kind of rushes through things that seem more important.

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