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for Tales of Kromolia, Book 1: The Invasion of the Witch-Queen

10/6/2013 c3 5Haidrel
Very good characterization in this chapter. I can already feel my dislike for Opheron's attitude growing, but I can also see the opportunity for him to grow into a character I can appreciate. That aside, I love your portrayal of dragons. it is similar to many others that I have encountered, however this line: "The dragon's flat golden eyes glared into his own. For a moment, he could see a spark of hurt, rage, and even sympathy." you have painted a creature with the intellectual and emotional depth of a human character that I look forward to seeing you develop further.

10/6/2013 c2 Haidrel
I read your note at the start of this chapter but I can only find one fault. The story jumps around quite a bit in this chapter and it can be distracting and possibly even confusing for the reader. As writers we always strive to make reading as easy as possible for the reader. Other than this minor critique, I cannot find any major flaws. It is well-written and compelling, as was your prologue.

10/6/2013 c1 Haidrel
Very well-written indeed. Here are some minor suggestions I have that may help to improve the flow of the piece. The phrase "inhuman lady" stops the flow of the paragraph it's in abruptly. Perhaps try altering it slightly to keep rhythm with the rest of it. The lines reading "There was a feral glint to her black eyes. Her eyes were the most curious part of her person. The entire eye was as black as a dead, winter night with not a single star to light it." mention the word "eye" or "eyes" several times in a short space and it can become distracting at times.
However, overall this piece is excellent and urges the reader to continue reading onto the next chapter. The paragraph which begins with the line: "Circina paused to observe a large wolf." has a wonderful description of a werewolf's transformation unlike any I have ever read. The amount of professional-quality writing in this piece is astounding. Well-done, my friend.


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