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11/24/2013 c13 3SirTyJensen
Good job man. I sped read a bit and I forgotten it's a bad idea. I'm listening to a podcast right now and it's a dumb combo. I honestly thought Hennessy was a man and at first I was like "he's gay and this is a twist?" I'll read more of your stuff.
11/21/2013 c1 SirTyJensen
Good start. It's not slow and I already know I don't want to cheese off Hennessy.
11/15/2013 c1 TheOneAndOnlyBangBang
This was a pretty good start. Though, this introductory chapter hasn't done a lot to intrigue me, I'd still like to read on to see how this gang rivalry situation develops. One issue I had with this is that I feel as if it's been written at too fast a pace. Short sentences are abundant throughout the writing, and there's a hell of a lot of skipping about. From the bar, to the yobs, to the mock Tudor mansion (nice touch by the way), and then to the parlour, with what seemed rather unfitting transitions between them. However, I can see how describing driving through a place like Sleaford might be a bit boring and/or difficult to write about in an interesting way. I know I'd probably have done the same. Still, I can't shake the feeling of disjointedness that I got from this chapter.

Meanwhile, I liked the background info given here. It's clear through insinuation that Claire left McTeague to be with Wheelon, but you never state it directly. You just talk about how she was dodgy and how McTeague would learn the hard way, so I liked that aspect. I also look forward to how that will play out.

Anyways, it's a good set up and a good start, but it's lacking the intrigue that I'd like to make me want to REALLY find out what will happen as the story develops.
11/8/2013 c1 Guest
Great start to the story I luv crime fiction and this story starts really well and makes me want too read more. Keep goin

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