for Tellin' a Tale1/5/2014 c7 
4lookingwest
Having not read the previous chapters (save for Ch. 1) I can't comment much on plot or character development - but I think for the opening you definitely start off with a strong setting and you set the scene well, which I liked. I liked the description of the merriment in one of the first paragraphs contrasted with Charlotte throwing up in the next - it showed outer and inner atmosphere, I think.
I also thought your dialogue picked up the pace in this chapter so it was really zooming along, but that wasn't a bad thing - the dialogue was intriguing and I think you kept it age appropriate, like when Charlotte is talking to the boy, which I liked. I also think it's probably good to have some seriousness edging into your MCs, just to keep them well rounded - not everyone is lighthearted all the time, so I think it would make her more dynamic, and I like that prospect for those reasons. That being said, I can't say much about how she's been previously, but I do detect that she's obviously undergone complications since the first chapter, and growth. Some great moments with your setting here (especially the shadow play in the ending) and the dialogue! :)
4lookingwestHaving not read the previous chapters (save for Ch. 1) I can't comment much on plot or character development - but I think for the opening you definitely start off with a strong setting and you set the scene well, which I liked. I liked the description of the merriment in one of the first paragraphs contrasted with Charlotte throwing up in the next - it showed outer and inner atmosphere, I think.
I also thought your dialogue picked up the pace in this chapter so it was really zooming along, but that wasn't a bad thing - the dialogue was intriguing and I think you kept it age appropriate, like when Charlotte is talking to the boy, which I liked. I also think it's probably good to have some seriousness edging into your MCs, just to keep them well rounded - not everyone is lighthearted all the time, so I think it would make her more dynamic, and I like that prospect for those reasons. That being said, I can't say much about how she's been previously, but I do detect that she's obviously undergone complications since the first chapter, and growth. Some great moments with your setting here (especially the shadow play in the ending) and the dialogue! :)
1/4/2014 c1 2Jalux
I can really see the manga-elements still. Anyways I liked this although I personally think you jumped into the dragon action scene a bit too fast but then again some people prefer high octane action right off the bat. Charlotte could use some more characterization but I like what I see here, she seems a pretty honest person who's willing to help others. I actually think this would work better manga-style, as another reviewer suggested. Shorter and more precise scenes would give it a manga feel.
2JaluxI can really see the manga-elements still. Anyways I liked this although I personally think you jumped into the dragon action scene a bit too fast but then again some people prefer high octane action right off the bat. Charlotte could use some more characterization but I like what I see here, she seems a pretty honest person who's willing to help others. I actually think this would work better manga-style, as another reviewer suggested. Shorter and more precise scenes would give it a manga feel.
1/1/2014 c1 4Jitterbug Blues
While I do like the tone of the story (hey, Quentin Tarantino is one of my top favourite directors) and I like a lot of your descriptions, I think my main problem with this chapter is that it's very rushed. You kind of toss scene after scene at us without letting us pause and think (it’s like running and running without being offered a break).
I'd not harp out this as much because I know you can do better, but *this* is a first chapter, and I think this is the chapter that most people will be judging you by, before they decide whether they want to read or not. So, my advice would be to really slow down a bit, because the rapid pace of this chapter and lack of transition makes it very hard for me, at least, to get invested.
Maybe flesh out your characters too? Especially Charlotte - she could use a lot more personality. Other things that bothered me was a misspelling of the word 'room', which you had written out as 'rom'.
Also if you really want to go manga style, I'd suggest breaking this up in little scenes. The power of manga or any good graphic novel is that it mostly works in small scenes and strong character interactions (and good dialogue).
4Jitterbug BluesWhile I do like the tone of the story (hey, Quentin Tarantino is one of my top favourite directors) and I like a lot of your descriptions, I think my main problem with this chapter is that it's very rushed. You kind of toss scene after scene at us without letting us pause and think (it’s like running and running without being offered a break).
I'd not harp out this as much because I know you can do better, but *this* is a first chapter, and I think this is the chapter that most people will be judging you by, before they decide whether they want to read or not. So, my advice would be to really slow down a bit, because the rapid pace of this chapter and lack of transition makes it very hard for me, at least, to get invested.
Maybe flesh out your characters too? Especially Charlotte - she could use a lot more personality. Other things that bothered me was a misspelling of the word 'room', which you had written out as 'rom'.
Also if you really want to go manga style, I'd suggest breaking this up in little scenes. The power of manga or any good graphic novel is that it mostly works in small scenes and strong character interactions (and good dialogue).
1/1/2014 c3 13alltheeagles
For the Review Game, Easy Fix
The writing style is interesting in this chapter. There seems to be two different styles here: where you describe the magic-using, it's quite fantasy-toned and I'd say, grown-up, for want of a better word. Then when you go into the three Bobs, it becomes slapstick and in-your-face. I was thinking, maybe a more subtle style of humour would go better with the other style.
Then again, after reading the part on Alexander, it's the magic-using that feels out of place now, because that part also keeps the element of creating humour from ridiculousness on a character's part.
I suppose the nett effect is... I'm rather confused.
13alltheeaglesFor the Review Game, Easy Fix
The writing style is interesting in this chapter. There seems to be two different styles here: where you describe the magic-using, it's quite fantasy-toned and I'd say, grown-up, for want of a better word. Then when you go into the three Bobs, it becomes slapstick and in-your-face. I was thinking, maybe a more subtle style of humour would go better with the other style.
Then again, after reading the part on Alexander, it's the magic-using that feels out of place now, because that part also keeps the element of creating humour from ridiculousness on a character's part.
I suppose the nett effect is... I'm rather confused.
12/18/2013 c2 2Ghost Divsion
I like the twist at the end where the enemy appears. It keeps the reader in a state of suspense and builds on the story. I don't know what the story plot is yet, and you may want to start addressing that soon, but the one off stories so far are good enough to carry the story.
2Ghost DivsionI like the twist at the end where the enemy appears. It keeps the reader in a state of suspense and builds on the story. I don't know what the story plot is yet, and you may want to start addressing that soon, but the one off stories so far are good enough to carry the story.
12/17/2013 c5 5Dr. Self Destruct
Again, I don't want to keep complaining about the same thing, but I'm a little unsure as to what the characters are doing or where they're heading near the end of the chapter, and I think this is due to a lack of narration from a particular POV. There's really not much presence of a narrator, and when there is, it's very scarce. We get some description, then dialogue (a lot of dialogue), a little more description, but that's it. I really like the witty narration of the narrator when it's present, so maybe play up some more on that (like the random cursing throughout the narration, and how the narrator was like "damn rain!" in previous chapters. That sort of thing). Also, at the end things get really confused as to who's saying what because there's a lot of dialogue with no speaker tags or exposition. So I think adding some simple speaker tags, again, will really help with the clarity.
I really enjoyed how you introduced what Rebby and Samantha look like. You focus on some really cool physical traits that aren't cliche or too common. In a lot of amateur writing you'll see just hair and eye color described, but here you go an extra step and pick out much more interesting features, like lips and piercings. Just very cool, and so much more interesting than just telling us what their hair and eye color are. I also think you do a great job detailing their clothing through the dialogue, rather than just coming out and listing what they're wearing. You make their appearance a lot more interactive for the reader, which also makes it easier to picture and keeps it from coming across as a type of info-dump and/or boring. it also helps it stick better when you're unique, because the more unique you are (within the boundaries of credibility), the easier it'll be for a reader to remember a certain character.
I'm a little confused as to the setting of this. At first I think it was a fantasy world, then there was mention of China. So i think taking the time to let the reader know where/when we are will be helpful. Also, if you haven't read it yet, I recommend reading "The Princess Bride" to maybe give you some inspiration; that book tackles this type of storytelling really well, and I think it would be a great thing to reference and see how maybe to get the history of the land across without it coming off as being too boring. "The Princess Bride" is also a fantasy book that takes place in our world, but it's in a fantasy location within our world that doesn't exist, as well as takes place a long time ago. That sort of information can be crucial, especially when you toss in references to our own world. It's going to make the reader wonder where this is, and they might feel tricked with thinking this was high fantasy up until this point, since high fantasy has to take place on a planet/realm other than earth. Even putting it in the summary might be enough (the year and location, that is).
5Dr. Self DestructAgain, I don't want to keep complaining about the same thing, but I'm a little unsure as to what the characters are doing or where they're heading near the end of the chapter, and I think this is due to a lack of narration from a particular POV. There's really not much presence of a narrator, and when there is, it's very scarce. We get some description, then dialogue (a lot of dialogue), a little more description, but that's it. I really like the witty narration of the narrator when it's present, so maybe play up some more on that (like the random cursing throughout the narration, and how the narrator was like "damn rain!" in previous chapters. That sort of thing). Also, at the end things get really confused as to who's saying what because there's a lot of dialogue with no speaker tags or exposition. So I think adding some simple speaker tags, again, will really help with the clarity.
I really enjoyed how you introduced what Rebby and Samantha look like. You focus on some really cool physical traits that aren't cliche or too common. In a lot of amateur writing you'll see just hair and eye color described, but here you go an extra step and pick out much more interesting features, like lips and piercings. Just very cool, and so much more interesting than just telling us what their hair and eye color are. I also think you do a great job detailing their clothing through the dialogue, rather than just coming out and listing what they're wearing. You make their appearance a lot more interactive for the reader, which also makes it easier to picture and keeps it from coming across as a type of info-dump and/or boring. it also helps it stick better when you're unique, because the more unique you are (within the boundaries of credibility), the easier it'll be for a reader to remember a certain character.
I'm a little confused as to the setting of this. At first I think it was a fantasy world, then there was mention of China. So i think taking the time to let the reader know where/when we are will be helpful. Also, if you haven't read it yet, I recommend reading "The Princess Bride" to maybe give you some inspiration; that book tackles this type of storytelling really well, and I think it would be a great thing to reference and see how maybe to get the history of the land across without it coming off as being too boring. "The Princess Bride" is also a fantasy book that takes place in our world, but it's in a fantasy location within our world that doesn't exist, as well as takes place a long time ago. That sort of information can be crucial, especially when you toss in references to our own world. It's going to make the reader wonder where this is, and they might feel tricked with thinking this was high fantasy up until this point, since high fantasy has to take place on a planet/realm other than earth. Even putting it in the summary might be enough (the year and location, that is).
12/17/2013 c4 Dr. Self Destruct
In answer to your author's note, I think you effectively showed how a mage uses his/her runes in addition to other strategies in order to fight, and I think you showed it really well. I love the creativity you have with the runes, especially how Alexander was able to sort of corrupt them by adding his own blood - that was really neat, and it also gives your protagonist some weaknesses, which helps her not come across as too powerful. I actually feared for Charlotte's well being in this chapter, and to see that she has her weak points also makes her much more believable and all around more human. It's also nice to see that mages aren't completely all powerful and people are able to take them one-on-one if they're strong enough. It helps with the credibility of the story, and it makes any future fight scenes also more suspenseful because there is that possibility of defeat.
I got a little confused about what was happening near the end. Is Charlotte talking to Alexander there? Maybe use some simple speaker tags (he said or she said) to help with the clarity. Also, some exposition would be nice - I want to know what sort of state Alexander is in now that Charlotte beat him. Describe it to me. Where are his injuries? What type of injuries does he have? Does he even have injuries, or is he telling her all this stuff because she outsmarted him? From what i understood it seemed he was winning, but then Charlotte brought the house down and suddenly he's at her mercy...? I just think some more description will really help there.
In answer to your author's note, I think you effectively showed how a mage uses his/her runes in addition to other strategies in order to fight, and I think you showed it really well. I love the creativity you have with the runes, especially how Alexander was able to sort of corrupt them by adding his own blood - that was really neat, and it also gives your protagonist some weaknesses, which helps her not come across as too powerful. I actually feared for Charlotte's well being in this chapter, and to see that she has her weak points also makes her much more believable and all around more human. It's also nice to see that mages aren't completely all powerful and people are able to take them one-on-one if they're strong enough. It helps with the credibility of the story, and it makes any future fight scenes also more suspenseful because there is that possibility of defeat.
I got a little confused about what was happening near the end. Is Charlotte talking to Alexander there? Maybe use some simple speaker tags (he said or she said) to help with the clarity. Also, some exposition would be nice - I want to know what sort of state Alexander is in now that Charlotte beat him. Describe it to me. Where are his injuries? What type of injuries does he have? Does he even have injuries, or is he telling her all this stuff because she outsmarted him? From what i understood it seemed he was winning, but then Charlotte brought the house down and suddenly he's at her mercy...? I just think some more description will really help there.
12/17/2013 c3 Dr. Self Destruct
Hah, this chapter has some really funny moment, especially with the three brothers named Bob. I really like the humor in this. I think you have it spread out just enough to where it takes off that serious edge and tone, but it's also not so much that it becomes annoying or overdone or like you're trying too hard to be funny. I think this chapter also shows some more of the anime cliches you were talking about in your author's note as well. I'm pretty familiar with anime, and I know some of the tropes come from the villain talking about his plan and having this long-winded explanation when he should instead be trying to kill the hero. Which you reference when Charlotte asks if he's going to give his entire plan to her before running away with his tail between his legs. I also like the shirt thing and how he lost it, as well as all his muscles - again, another common strange trope with anime where people tend to sometimes lose clothing before a battle. So i think those were worked in really well here, and I like the genre mash up (fantasy/anime). I also really enjoy the dialogue between the three brothers, and when they thought he said "shatting" instead of "chatting." That was a pretty funny moment.
The dialogue overall is really natural and silly (as intended), but there was one moment where it got a little *too* cliche, even though this is sort of poking fun of the anime cliches. When Alexander walks in and says "So you managed to beat my men." Since the dialogue up to and after this point is so clever, you might want to try and think of something more original or funny. Other than that the only complaint I have is what I mentioned before with the spelling/grammar/punctuation. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but i think it's worth editing and updating your chapters just so you don't have people constantly complaining about it. Looking at your reviews, I can see I'm not the only person to have mentioned it, and after seeing some of the typos people pointed out still in here, I can also tell you haven't re-uploaded the chapters with those errors fixed. It only takes a couple minutes and will show that you're more serious about your writing, not to mention you'll get better feedback when people are more concentrated on content than grammar/spelling.
Hah, this chapter has some really funny moment, especially with the three brothers named Bob. I really like the humor in this. I think you have it spread out just enough to where it takes off that serious edge and tone, but it's also not so much that it becomes annoying or overdone or like you're trying too hard to be funny. I think this chapter also shows some more of the anime cliches you were talking about in your author's note as well. I'm pretty familiar with anime, and I know some of the tropes come from the villain talking about his plan and having this long-winded explanation when he should instead be trying to kill the hero. Which you reference when Charlotte asks if he's going to give his entire plan to her before running away with his tail between his legs. I also like the shirt thing and how he lost it, as well as all his muscles - again, another common strange trope with anime where people tend to sometimes lose clothing before a battle. So i think those were worked in really well here, and I like the genre mash up (fantasy/anime). I also really enjoy the dialogue between the three brothers, and when they thought he said "shatting" instead of "chatting." That was a pretty funny moment.
The dialogue overall is really natural and silly (as intended), but there was one moment where it got a little *too* cliche, even though this is sort of poking fun of the anime cliches. When Alexander walks in and says "So you managed to beat my men." Since the dialogue up to and after this point is so clever, you might want to try and think of something more original or funny. Other than that the only complaint I have is what I mentioned before with the spelling/grammar/punctuation. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but i think it's worth editing and updating your chapters just so you don't have people constantly complaining about it. Looking at your reviews, I can see I'm not the only person to have mentioned it, and after seeing some of the typos people pointed out still in here, I can also tell you haven't re-uploaded the chapters with those errors fixed. It only takes a couple minutes and will show that you're more serious about your writing, not to mention you'll get better feedback when people are more concentrated on content than grammar/spelling.
12/17/2013 c2 Dr. Self Destruct
I really enjoy the detail you provide in that first longer paragraph where you go more into the setting. I also think the detail itself is really playful, and the movement you incorporated into it helps me picture everything, so well done there. The way you personified the sky as having a mouth that's spitting down on people - again, your playfulness really shines here, and I can definitely see how this was a sort of bedtime story you were telling your sister. It definitely has the lightheartedness that I imagine a bedtime story would have since you wouldn't want to be giving someone nightmares, you know? haha. I also think this has a really cool satirical quality to it, like you're poking fun of all the fantasy stories that came before it that have to do with a knight (or mage in this case) hunting dragons. Sort of like how "The Princess Bride" is a satire of fantasy and happy endings. I definitely get that sense of cynicism while reading this. I also like how you portray Lad. He has a strong personality. I love seeing writers putting that much attitude into their animal characters, because that's always been a weakness of mine, portraying animals, so it's always fun to read when someone does it well.
Again, I think having a beta reader or running this through a spellcheck might help you out. There are a lot of typos, and some words mixed up, like "hear" instead of "here", as it should be. Also, some words seem a bit out of place and don't really make sense in the context of the sentence, like "The air outside was cold, tempting, but, ultimately, procrastination." Procrastination doesn't really make sense in this sentence. Just something to look out for.
I would like a little more information about Charlotte by this time, too. Charlotte is the main character, right? See, that right there, the fact that I'm unsure what the MC's name is, says you probably need some more narration centered on her and her thoughts. Right now I know she's a mage, but that's pretty much all i know about her. Give me some more details about her and perhaps past experiences to help me care about her more. More details helps make people seem more real. And the realer a character is, the most invested I get into the story because I worry about her dying. It's kind of how you worry more about a friend or family member than you do the mailman who you don't know his name, you know? The more you know about a person, the closer they feel on an emotional level.
I really enjoy the detail you provide in that first longer paragraph where you go more into the setting. I also think the detail itself is really playful, and the movement you incorporated into it helps me picture everything, so well done there. The way you personified the sky as having a mouth that's spitting down on people - again, your playfulness really shines here, and I can definitely see how this was a sort of bedtime story you were telling your sister. It definitely has the lightheartedness that I imagine a bedtime story would have since you wouldn't want to be giving someone nightmares, you know? haha. I also think this has a really cool satirical quality to it, like you're poking fun of all the fantasy stories that came before it that have to do with a knight (or mage in this case) hunting dragons. Sort of like how "The Princess Bride" is a satire of fantasy and happy endings. I definitely get that sense of cynicism while reading this. I also like how you portray Lad. He has a strong personality. I love seeing writers putting that much attitude into their animal characters, because that's always been a weakness of mine, portraying animals, so it's always fun to read when someone does it well.
Again, I think having a beta reader or running this through a spellcheck might help you out. There are a lot of typos, and some words mixed up, like "hear" instead of "here", as it should be. Also, some words seem a bit out of place and don't really make sense in the context of the sentence, like "The air outside was cold, tempting, but, ultimately, procrastination." Procrastination doesn't really make sense in this sentence. Just something to look out for.
I would like a little more information about Charlotte by this time, too. Charlotte is the main character, right? See, that right there, the fact that I'm unsure what the MC's name is, says you probably need some more narration centered on her and her thoughts. Right now I know she's a mage, but that's pretty much all i know about her. Give me some more details about her and perhaps past experiences to help me care about her more. More details helps make people seem more real. And the realer a character is, the most invested I get into the story because I worry about her dying. It's kind of how you worry more about a friend or family member than you do the mailman who you don't know his name, you know? The more you know about a person, the closer they feel on an emotional level.
12/17/2013 c1 Dr. Self Destruct
I like the main character in this story and the general plot behind it, how there's a female knight wanting to slay a dragon and save the princess as opposed to a male knight. I think that strays away from the cliche, and it's nice to get something new and fresh like this. I also like the tone you use throughout the story, because it's rather comical and I think that fits the story well since the events and the dialogue and the characters come off a little over the top - intentionally so, I imagine. So I really enjoy the playfulness behind the narrator's voice and reactions, and I also really enjoy the over-the-top events. I think they match the tone really well.
I'd suggest finding maybe a beta reader because there are a lot of typos and grammar issues. For instance, you have your dialogue punctuation outside the quotations when they should be inside the quotations. And like I already mentioned, there are a lot of typos and misspelled words, so even just running a spell checker will probably find most of them. I think you may want to also slow the pacing a bit - a lot happens in only a thousand or so words, and I'm having trouble keeping up with what exactly is going on because things are moving too fast. Like I hadn't realize the knight was back at the inn until the chapter was almost over and they were accusing her of hurting a hair on the princess' head (did she bring the princess back with her? That's another detail where I have no idea what happened). I think detailing the setting and paying more attention to sensory details (touch, taste, sound) will help with that, as well as some more visuals. Because of the pacing, everything feels too one-dimensional and flat to me, characters and world alike. So slowing down and really developing things will help a lot, I think.
I like the main character in this story and the general plot behind it, how there's a female knight wanting to slay a dragon and save the princess as opposed to a male knight. I think that strays away from the cliche, and it's nice to get something new and fresh like this. I also like the tone you use throughout the story, because it's rather comical and I think that fits the story well since the events and the dialogue and the characters come off a little over the top - intentionally so, I imagine. So I really enjoy the playfulness behind the narrator's voice and reactions, and I also really enjoy the over-the-top events. I think they match the tone really well.
I'd suggest finding maybe a beta reader because there are a lot of typos and grammar issues. For instance, you have your dialogue punctuation outside the quotations when they should be inside the quotations. And like I already mentioned, there are a lot of typos and misspelled words, so even just running a spell checker will probably find most of them. I think you may want to also slow the pacing a bit - a lot happens in only a thousand or so words, and I'm having trouble keeping up with what exactly is going on because things are moving too fast. Like I hadn't realize the knight was back at the inn until the chapter was almost over and they were accusing her of hurting a hair on the princess' head (did she bring the princess back with her? That's another detail where I have no idea what happened). I think detailing the setting and paying more attention to sensory details (touch, taste, sound) will help with that, as well as some more visuals. Because of the pacing, everything feels too one-dimensional and flat to me, characters and world alike. So slowing down and really developing things will help a lot, I think.
12/15/2013 c6 1k+Faithless Juliet
Another interesting chapter. Again I'm enjoying the dynamic of the three female characters in this chapter. I like how their personalities really contrast with each other. Also, having read you authors note I have to point out that I thought the fight scene was good as it was.
So, this being the last chapter here are some thoughts: in chapter one you mention a dragon that is never mentioned again, and we haven't seen the little kid hiding in the wardrobe for a while so I'm not sure what's going on with that - both of those are minor plot wholes so I would just work on closing those loose ends. I think it may help me, and some other readers if you explored the world more. At first I thought this was very high fantasy but now I have very little idea what time/ place this story is unfolding in. You mention anime a few times but personally I'm not familiar with any of that so maybe a bit more explanation. If this is a fantasy story I would suggest taking references to modern western gods out because it feels out of place. Keep up the good work.
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietAnother interesting chapter. Again I'm enjoying the dynamic of the three female characters in this chapter. I like how their personalities really contrast with each other. Also, having read you authors note I have to point out that I thought the fight scene was good as it was.
So, this being the last chapter here are some thoughts: in chapter one you mention a dragon that is never mentioned again, and we haven't seen the little kid hiding in the wardrobe for a while so I'm not sure what's going on with that - both of those are minor plot wholes so I would just work on closing those loose ends. I think it may help me, and some other readers if you explored the world more. At first I thought this was very high fantasy but now I have very little idea what time/ place this story is unfolding in. You mention anime a few times but personally I'm not familiar with any of that so maybe a bit more explanation. If this is a fantasy story I would suggest taking references to modern western gods out because it feels out of place. Keep up the good work.
Juliet.
12/15/2013 c5 Faithless Juliet
I really like Samantha and Rebby as characters. Not only are they fun for the reader to interact with but they also interact well with each other. I also think that the commedic angle really works well in the story. Critique wise the only thing I would work on is the transformation to the flashback scene with the teacher. I feel like going into it and coming out of it were a bit rough, but the rest of the scene worked great.
Juliet.
I really like Samantha and Rebby as characters. Not only are they fun for the reader to interact with but they also interact well with each other. I also think that the commedic angle really works well in the story. Critique wise the only thing I would work on is the transformation to the flashback scene with the teacher. I feel like going into it and coming out of it were a bit rough, but the rest of the scene worked great.
Juliet.
12/15/2013 c1 carlalegre
I love the light-hearted humour that your story has. This is the first fantasy story I've read on Fictionpress and I'm happy. You have great characterization and you stick to the true-nature of your characters all throughout.
The only concerns I have are dialogue and grammatical errors. Firstly, in that bout of dialogue they all had, when they initially meet, I got confused. Too many lines of dialogue happened without being accounted for so I had to go back and try to make sense of it.
Secondly, there are numerous grammatical errors. Nothing a general edit couldn't fix.
Overall, good job :)
I love the light-hearted humour that your story has. This is the first fantasy story I've read on Fictionpress and I'm happy. You have great characterization and you stick to the true-nature of your characters all throughout.
The only concerns I have are dialogue and grammatical errors. Firstly, in that bout of dialogue they all had, when they initially meet, I got confused. Too many lines of dialogue happened without being accounted for so I had to go back and try to make sense of it.
Secondly, there are numerous grammatical errors. Nothing a general edit couldn't fix.
Overall, good job :)
12/15/2013 c4 Faithless Juliet
I think this chapter was a bit too dialogue heavy towards the end again. Although I like the dialogue (and besides characterization I'd say that was your strongest suite) I did find myself wishing something more. I wouldn't say that I'm lost in this story, but you have a lot of characters and a lot of things going on. I think it would come across much smoother if you evened that out a bit.
I did think you did a good job with the fight scene, but I wish you had explained in more detail what the importance and significance of losing the hair was, because I didn't really get it until the end. I'm also excited to see where the new characters will take the story.
Juliet.
I think this chapter was a bit too dialogue heavy towards the end again. Although I like the dialogue (and besides characterization I'd say that was your strongest suite) I did find myself wishing something more. I wouldn't say that I'm lost in this story, but you have a lot of characters and a lot of things going on. I think it would come across much smoother if you evened that out a bit.
I did think you did a good job with the fight scene, but I wish you had explained in more detail what the importance and significance of losing the hair was, because I didn't really get it until the end. I'm also excited to see where the new characters will take the story.
Juliet.
12/15/2013 c3 Faithless Juliet
I hate to say this but I was a little bit confused about what was going on here. Maybe I came into this chapter too seriously but it felt like all of the sudden the story took a huge turn into a comedic angle that I didn't see coming. I was a bit lost on who/what the 'Bobs' were... did they attack the villagers. Besides that I agree with you that the story works in 'bite size chunks' it just feels like that's the best way, contributing all the elements of this that I've read so far. I'm excited to see what happens.
Juliet.
I hate to say this but I was a little bit confused about what was going on here. Maybe I came into this chapter too seriously but it felt like all of the sudden the story took a huge turn into a comedic angle that I didn't see coming. I was a bit lost on who/what the 'Bobs' were... did they attack the villagers. Besides that I agree with you that the story works in 'bite size chunks' it just feels like that's the best way, contributing all the elements of this that I've read so far. I'm excited to see what happens.
Juliet.