for Pretend to Chase12/5/2015 c1 Fleur-de-lis Evans
Hi (Previously H-A-Cooke),
I am getting back on FP at my roots and thought I'd find you because I remembered how good your Footsteps Trilogy is. So here's my feedback on this one! As usual my Edit section has changes in all caps and explained!
CHARACTERIZATION
The narrator seems familiar, perhaps reflective of characters I remember from the Footsteps Trilogy. But that's only because the pain is so poignant - you're good at capturing the emotion of a story and filling in the factual blanks later. Your narrator feels like an old friend who is telling me of their pain after too long apart.
EDITS
1. "I know there's a reason WHY I should write this down, truth by painful truth."
Sometimes fewer words get across meaning more clearly. I feel being more concise in your opening line will help ensnare your readers and get into the narrator's head more effectively.
2. "It has little to do with the LONGEVITY of the internet, and IT HAS more to do with my need for it to be documented without fear of..."
Your original sentence has this spelling: Longitivity.
3. "...,but it doesn't change that they are - glittering down on us from unimaginable distances - ..."
There's currently tow forms of punctuation after ARE. I think you should only use dashes (-) rather than using both a comma and a dash.
Kudos on a good Prologue,
~ Fleurdelis Evans
Hi (Previously H-A-Cooke),
I am getting back on FP at my roots and thought I'd find you because I remembered how good your Footsteps Trilogy is. So here's my feedback on this one! As usual my Edit section has changes in all caps and explained!
CHARACTERIZATION
The narrator seems familiar, perhaps reflective of characters I remember from the Footsteps Trilogy. But that's only because the pain is so poignant - you're good at capturing the emotion of a story and filling in the factual blanks later. Your narrator feels like an old friend who is telling me of their pain after too long apart.
EDITS
1. "I know there's a reason WHY I should write this down, truth by painful truth."
Sometimes fewer words get across meaning more clearly. I feel being more concise in your opening line will help ensnare your readers and get into the narrator's head more effectively.
2. "It has little to do with the LONGEVITY of the internet, and IT HAS more to do with my need for it to be documented without fear of..."
Your original sentence has this spelling: Longitivity.
3. "...,but it doesn't change that they are - glittering down on us from unimaginable distances - ..."
There's currently tow forms of punctuation after ARE. I think you should only use dashes (-) rather than using both a comma and a dash.
Kudos on a good Prologue,
~ Fleurdelis Evans
3/3/2014 c1 
4sami1995
Your writing was extremely poetic with a right amount of mystery added to it. I was transfixed by the emotional depth of the words; every sentence linked with one another perfectly. You have a vivid and effortless way with words; I love the opening paragraph where how you said "I can look back on this and remember this as all fresh as it happened, so I can remember why I chose this path." This is going to be an emotional and perhaps poignant story, though I'm only assuming. Nonetheless, this is an amazing prologue-very rare and unique, I haven't come across anything like this in this site-and the ending line 'This is my means of moving on' sums it up beautifully.
Your comparison of line with the alphabets is also one of the highlights. It was very innovative and I clearly agree with the content. Life is seldom simple or easy; actions usually take in such roundabout fashions, it's likely to feel lost and muddled in the path.
Your third paragraph had effective words; I was able to visualize and almost feel it when I read "With every electrical pulse through your brain, you become something new..." You delineated the part about where adults wish on a star and can forget everything else very well. It's very true; we humans-specifically grown-ups-always choose to see what we want to see. But that can never stop the compelling forces of the universe from working against us.
I clearly enjoyed this and yearn to see more of the story. Now that I'm reading your summary and the prologue, I am sure this is going to be a unique, emotional and beautiful read. And the genre 'Romance/Tragedy' has already fascinated me beyond anything. Your prologue has intrigued me very much; I can see thousands of possible directions you can go with the story. It's almost refreshing to read about the darker undertones-I see a conflicted soul lurking in the protagonist. And I am in huge anticipation. This will be great and dramatic; I hope you update soon. Thanks.
4sami1995Your writing was extremely poetic with a right amount of mystery added to it. I was transfixed by the emotional depth of the words; every sentence linked with one another perfectly. You have a vivid and effortless way with words; I love the opening paragraph where how you said "I can look back on this and remember this as all fresh as it happened, so I can remember why I chose this path." This is going to be an emotional and perhaps poignant story, though I'm only assuming. Nonetheless, this is an amazing prologue-very rare and unique, I haven't come across anything like this in this site-and the ending line 'This is my means of moving on' sums it up beautifully.
Your comparison of line with the alphabets is also one of the highlights. It was very innovative and I clearly agree with the content. Life is seldom simple or easy; actions usually take in such roundabout fashions, it's likely to feel lost and muddled in the path.
Your third paragraph had effective words; I was able to visualize and almost feel it when I read "With every electrical pulse through your brain, you become something new..." You delineated the part about where adults wish on a star and can forget everything else very well. It's very true; we humans-specifically grown-ups-always choose to see what we want to see. But that can never stop the compelling forces of the universe from working against us.
I clearly enjoyed this and yearn to see more of the story. Now that I'm reading your summary and the prologue, I am sure this is going to be a unique, emotional and beautiful read. And the genre 'Romance/Tragedy' has already fascinated me beyond anything. Your prologue has intrigued me very much; I can see thousands of possible directions you can go with the story. It's almost refreshing to read about the darker undertones-I see a conflicted soul lurking in the protagonist. And I am in huge anticipation. This will be great and dramatic; I hope you update soon. Thanks.
1/28/2014 c1 211cina24
Im really liking this flow of writing you have. It seems so effortless and smooth. It connects beautifully. Im excited for the next post!:)
211cina24Im really liking this flow of writing you have. It seems so effortless and smooth. It connects beautifully. Im excited for the next post!:)
1/27/2014 c1 4TheWanderer72
That was New York Times bestseller quality. I was completely engaged the entire time I read it; the grammar was perfect, your style was seamless and poetic...wow. Well, please do update because I will be following!
4TheWanderer72That was New York Times bestseller quality. I was completely engaged the entire time I read it; the grammar was perfect, your style was seamless and poetic...wow. Well, please do update because I will be following!
1/26/2014 c1 1HoneyGoddess57
I really like how you wrote the prologue. I really want to see where this story is going. I like it so far- and I hope you'll continue it soon.
1HoneyGoddess57I really like how you wrote the prologue. I really want to see where this story is going. I like it so far- and I hope you'll continue it soon.
1/20/2014 c1 4Veronica Fay
This was a very powerful start! I felt the emotion behind it but also her strength. It is extremely well written! Looking forward to more!
-Veronica
4Veronica FayThis was a very powerful start! I felt the emotion behind it but also her strength. It is extremely well written! Looking forward to more!
-Veronica
12/22/2013 c1 1tecnicalKnockout
hm ... im not sure what to make of this one ... brings up allot of questions that's for sure ... was this written to reflect on the past or is it being written as it happens for later reflection? i really like the line about life not traveling in a straight line and the part where human memory is perfectly flawed as both have an air of definite truth. im interested to see where this goes .
1tecnicalKnockouthm ... im not sure what to make of this one ... brings up allot of questions that's for sure ... was this written to reflect on the past or is it being written as it happens for later reflection? i really like the line about life not traveling in a straight line and the part where human memory is perfectly flawed as both have an air of definite truth. im interested to see where this goes .
12/21/2013 c1 8bulletproof.cupid
Hi there! Popping in for a read and thought to return the favour - although I'm intrigued now.
"This is my means of moving on" - I wish we all could, you know, jut write it down, forget, and move forward. I mean diaries do help with noting down progression and gradual change, but as you mentioned, the human memory is weak and designed to forget - and I feel like although our protagonist will move on, she's going to feel the same hurt again and again - because that's what we do, we hope for the best in all, despite what we've been through.
Like I said, interesting start! I'm intrigued as to what will become of her, and what's happened to her. Please do continue, you've got a reader in me! Best of luck x
8bulletproof.cupidHi there! Popping in for a read and thought to return the favour - although I'm intrigued now.
"This is my means of moving on" - I wish we all could, you know, jut write it down, forget, and move forward. I mean diaries do help with noting down progression and gradual change, but as you mentioned, the human memory is weak and designed to forget - and I feel like although our protagonist will move on, she's going to feel the same hurt again and again - because that's what we do, we hope for the best in all, despite what we've been through.
Like I said, interesting start! I'm intrigued as to what will become of her, and what's happened to her. Please do continue, you've got a reader in me! Best of luck x
12/8/2013 c1 8MagicalNinjaUnicorn
I love the line 'because it has all changed.' I could relate to the emotions behind that phrase and I felt like it was the most powerful.
8MagicalNinjaUnicornI love the line 'because it has all changed.' I could relate to the emotions behind that phrase and I felt like it was the most powerful.
12/6/2013 c1 DreamExplicitly
This sounds good, I'm interested in what's to come next. Welcome back to FictionPress (: I love when good writers return!
This sounds good, I'm interested in what's to come next. Welcome back to FictionPress (: I love when good writers return!
12/6/2013 c1 51Luna's Child
Wow, what a powerful piece of work you wrote. I like the fact that the descriptions were simple, yet descriptive enough to convey what you wanted. Nicely done!
51Luna's ChildWow, what a powerful piece of work you wrote. I like the fact that the descriptions were simple, yet descriptive enough to convey what you wanted. Nicely done!
12/4/2013 c1 Lord D'arcy Picklesouse
A good beginning for what seems to be an anti-romantic piece, with good dosage of angst, raw emotions and most importantly chaotic truth. When we write something that's pretty close to our lives, people relate. They always do because life is more or less same for everyone, and in your writing it shows. The anger, angst and the wish for letting it all out, yet hiding it somewhere in the corner of your heart or head or spirit. Your style shows that flow and even that restraint sometimes. Well, lets see how it turns out to be.
A good beginning for what seems to be an anti-romantic piece, with good dosage of angst, raw emotions and most importantly chaotic truth. When we write something that's pretty close to our lives, people relate. They always do because life is more or less same for everyone, and in your writing it shows. The anger, angst and the wish for letting it all out, yet hiding it somewhere in the corner of your heart or head or spirit. Your style shows that flow and even that restraint sometimes. Well, lets see how it turns out to be.