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for Melamin (私の愛)

3/31/2017 c6 1Tomoyuki Tanaka
...

Yes, it is extremely corny. And the way you forced them go grow closer was pretty forced.

I don't understand why Mela is in love with Kensui. There was no development, nothing. What does she mean he was kind and generous? All he did was give her his coat, and then she followed him home and basically forced her way into his life, and he had to put up with her. How did that lead to love, and in what way was that "kind and generous"? He hardly did anything other than shelter her (and that was because he was FORCED to shelter her rather than of any generosity).

Considering Mela was the crown princess, the way she just said yes to Kensui and accepted his "proposal" makes a lot less sense now. Yeah, let's throw away the title and potential all for some guy you met for all of a few seconds because he gave you his coat. Uh...right.

I told you Satomu was in love with Kensui. I called it from the start. It was too obvious and blatant not to be noticed.
3/31/2017 c5 Tomoyuki Tanaka
The first part was hilarious, with all the jokes about Mela not understanding human culture and stuff. That was awesome. I had to laugh when Mela was amazed by a pencil, and the silverware and chopsticks thing was funny.

The last part was an abrupt change into angst. Ugh. Has Kensui still not told Mela that he loves Harumi? What's the use of angst-ing over this when you're not going to be open and tell Mela the truth? She's kind enough to pass off as your cousin (somehow she's sharp when it comes to covering up her identity but not smart enough to use human tools) and give a good story (how did she come up with that when she didn't really check Kensui's background?) but he's not honest enough to let her know about his relatioinship with Harumi? That was quite the disconnect.
3/31/2017 c4 Tomoyuki Tanaka
...

This chapter was just so...cringeworthy. I'm sorry. Little sister, first fight, accident that leads to kiss - which, confounds me...Harumi is his girlfriend and they have not kissed before!? No, seriously?!

And as I said in the previous chapter, you need a much better build up. They ran from out of the apartment and into the park in just one sentence. Seriously? You need a better flow and more details. It feels like something is missing if you just skip straight from the apartment and into the park. And why does Kensui have to follow Kalina anyway?

The ogre was just so...ugh. Hype him up, only to have Mela kill the dude with a single spell? That wass so anticlimatic.

And Kalina is quite a shallow and cliched character, but I guess that was the intention. You're supposed to develop her and make her grow, I guess? So no complaints there. The only problems were the amounts of cliches that were so cringeworthy (first kiss stolen by an accident, except that the guy already has a girlfriend so that made no sense whatsoever), pedophile misunderstandings, etc. And Mela is just settling into this whole stupid wife business without questioning it, etc. That doesn't make any sense.

I mean, she doesn't like her previous suitor, Astrad (or whatever his name was), but now that Kensui "proposed" to her, she's suddenly all loving, gets jealous when he's with Harumi, buy ingredients to learn cooking, cleans his house? No, what? Seriously? She's a very one-dimensional character that seems to exist solely to fall in love with Kensui. Worse, she's supposed to be an elven princess, so it's really odd how she's not acting spoiled like Kalina and demanding that Kensui serves her because she's royalty. Hell, she's not acting like elven royalty, she's acting like a domestic housewife.

You should think more about fleshing out Mela's character than turning her into harem heroine #1.
3/31/2017 c3 Tomoyuki Tanaka
Um, there is no buildup and stuff, and the story seems to ramble on, like...I dunno, you're pulling it by a thread? I'm not sure how to describe it, but it's like your story has no flow. One moment, Kensui is with Mela, after she shows up in his house, the next moment his friends show up in his house and literally drags him to an...amusement park? One moment Kensui and Harumi are inside the ferris wheel thing (turn around) and the next moment goblins just show up out of nowhere and pull them out of the box and throw them out? I mean, you did foreshadow and mention them, but there's a gap, a lack of flow. I mean, they just "hopped up from below" out of nowhere and throw Harumi out of the box!?

You need a better buildup than that. You know, like when the box stopped, it just didn't feel real, it felt like you're skimming over it. The box stopped, Harumi squealed, what's happening?! The narration just felt too detached, like you're speeding or breezing past what's actually going on. You know, tease a bit more reaction from both Kensui and Harumi. Don't just brush off the latter as wrapping her arms around Kensui and saying, "I'm scared!" It just doesn't feel...I dunno, real. Like you're just mentioning it for the sake of it. You need a lot more detail to build up that scene and lead to the goblins showing up, not just have them abruptly "jumping from below". Where did they come from? Why didn't anyone see them until now?

What's with the...Mela pull Kensui out of his antisocial funk? That just sounds so forced. I think you need to develop the drama better, this just sounds like Kensui brushing stuff under the carpet, and if he's truly antisocial, why did he follow Harumi and etc. to the amusement park anyway?

Astald is a fun character, and if I remember correctly, Mela's suitor, so I understand his reaction. Ha ha, that was fun. I've to say, his appearance where he showed up to defeat the goblins was a bit too convenient. Not to mention the goblins introducing themselves to their abductee was off. If you're gonna drag someone off to your master, would you bother giving your name and introducing yourself to her? No, seriously?

And jeez, did Kensui not think to tell Mela that he already has someone he loves? All that romance drama, angst and jealousy was just so cringeworthy...
3/31/2017 c2 Tomoyuki Tanaka
Wow...that's pretty inconvenient for Kensui. I can't say I like the elves dropping in on him and forcing their customs on him when they're from another world, with all that marriage, meat, etc. But if the point is to make them arrogant, you succeeded so good job there. Still, I'm like "who the hell do the elves think they are? They come barging in and force their customs on other people?!" To make matters worse, this is not their home, this is a foreign world. When in Rome, do what Romans do. To force Romans (or in this case, Japanese) to do an elf custom is just...rude. And arrogant.

Someone should invade the lands of elves and overwrite their customs. Okay, that was a joke. But yeah, that whole marriage thing was a bit...ugh. Maybe Kensui should have told the parents that he's already "married" to Harumi, that might get them off his back.
3/30/2017 c1 Tomoyuki Tanaka
Nice start, the premise sounds very interesting, and that's what led me to try reading your stuff. It was fun to read, that's for sure. I do have several questions, like why is Kensui so popular when he's apparently antisocial? What does Harumi see in him? Well, it's not a criticism, I'm just genuinely curious. And there's Satomu too...I guess he swings that way? Hmm...poor Kaonji, I guess?

Bullies...they're everywhere. Ha ha, Yusuke! Bullying never pays! You asked for it!

Hmm, I don't understand the kanji for Kensui. I assumed it was 建寿依 or something judging from that, but I've never heard of a kanji Ken that means doll. I thought doll is 人形 but I could be mistaken. I'm not fluent in Japanese anyway.

I see that Melamin means (my love), so that's a nice touch. Yay. Will read more when I'm free, and I'm looking forward to the other chapters!
10/3/2016 c6 kurogane toru
Chapter 6 is pretty good. I wanted to know a bit more about Kensui and Mela too. Sure it may be corny, but what matters most is the feelings to one another. Now that happened, I'm guessing that Kensui will choose Mela because they got closer to each other. Kensui blames himself for the death of his parents, and I would too but in the end, it wasn't his fault. Overall, the chapter is pretty good and I hope it'll get more interesting later.
10/3/2016 c5 kurogane toru
Chapter 5 was pretty funny. Because Mela doesn't know about earth, means she acts like a foreign. Other than that, she has common sense and tries to not cause too much trouble for Kensui. And in the end, Kensui is troubled about what to pick, seeing that he doesn't want to hurt Harumi or Mela. It was interesting to see how their reactions towards Mela when she almost beat the world record for the hundred meter dash.
8/23/2016 c4 kurogane toru
Chapter 4 was rather quick. Mela's sister, Kalina, appears before Kensui, just to disapprove him of being Mela's good-for-nothing husband. Somehow, I remember these kinds of scenes from anime/manga that I have forgotten, or maybe I just don't remember how much I've seen. Despite seeing these kind of scenes, they somehow feel cliche to me, but maybe it's just me. Anyways, chapter 4 was alright in the end. I just wished it was a bit longer.
8/23/2016 c3 kurogane toru
Another character appears. Lord Astald seems interested in Mela. Could it be, he wanted her to be his wife? Goblins lurking around in the human world, things will probably become hectic for Kensui since he got involved with Mela, especially since he is "engaged" with Mela, but doesn't want to admit it due to the threat of Mela's parents lol. In the end, it's becoming a bit more interesting, and I don't have much complaints here. I can slightly grasp what Kensui is like.
8/11/2016 c2 kurogane toru
Trouble for Kensui lol. The comedy was pretty funny, and the fact about having no choice but to get married for now, he could be one of the lucky/unlucky person. One could call him a misfortunate guy, because of Mela, claiming to be his wife, right when Harumi and Satomu coming at a bad time. Either way, it seems a bit interesting, to see what the outcome will be.
8/11/2016 c1 kurogane toru
Somehow, I feel like I've read something like this in a manga, but I forgot the name of it... Anyways, The 1st chapter was alright. At least for me, it was interesting. It feels like a typical situation where someone from another world, coming into the human world and getting married all of a sudden. Still, I would like to see how interesting it can get.
2/22/2016 c17 7Daniel Kozaki
Adding depth to Astald, huh... got to admit I found it a bit awkward, but maybe the Astald in the last version of Melamin had ruined things for me.
It does feel odd to see the very same elf parent who was so lenient with a human act that racist on a drow, even given the circumstances. Wait... I forgot that Drows are marriage wreckers. Ok, I admit you're right this time.
Lolol. Stoners. So high *shot*
Boy, would you spend a bit of your time and soul for our Lord and Saviour?
Greivor sounded like a character that deserved more screen time imo. In the story he was just some head technician who got killed for outlasting his usefulness.
Lol a spell to make people feel like he's been around for a long time. That would render spies irrelevant, what with infiltration being that easy.
Alasse. This character needs to be explained to the readers. Is she the elder child killed when the Elven Star was gone? Why does everyone else act like she doesn't exist?
Imo this chapter would have been more powerful if it hints at a sequel or something. Otherwise it's just a side story that people might not really care about, seeing how the main story is already resolved.
Anyway, not many people could boast of having finished a story, so... well done and good luck with your future exploits.
2/21/2016 c16 Daniel Kozaki
Poor mooks never stood a chance.
Ah, the Elven Star wrested out from him? That's really a nice twist.
The touch of Edge was kinda beautiful.
Although Huine simply being defeated by consecutive hits felt slightly anticlimactic.
Lol. At least someone did wish for world peace.

And it ends, huh. Overall, yeah, even with some weaknesses, it has way better execution than the old version, with some little moments that exceeded my expectations. It feels like one of those formulaic 90s anime, but the least one could say about it is that it's something people could enjoy. The end also fits the story's overall tone, so it's quite okay.
2/21/2016 c15 Daniel Kozaki
'They stepped into the castle as a figure stood there, waiting for them. As the dust settled, it turned out to be none other than Astald who was waiting for them.' - you can end the second sentence at 'Astald'. -u-
Why would them surviving be important for Astald? He just wanted his four generals to die?
Yep. The rules don't make sense. A rule considering marriage eternal is just asking for trouble.
Aura wings... so animu. XD
Uh... if the castle foundation collapsed, they'd be dead under rubble in seconds. I think you meant 'cracked' or something.
The fight is classic anime material, lol, but yeah, also much better than the last version. At least you tried adding some deeper dimensions to Astald.
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