
2/20/2016 c14
7Daniel Kozaki
Hm. A great improvement over the last version. It looks more like a battle. The first general doesn't sound too impressive, tho.
A bracelet is kinda very small to work as a constant shield, lol. Dat Fu Mah pulling a Za Warudo lol. X3
Satomu's battle is not bad, I guess. X3
I like the exploding knives effect, but I think the joints being the weak points of an armor is actually common knowledge.
Slash enter portal to avoid a lightning bolt. So animu.x3 How is someone even that fast? If it's me, I'll just have the void swallow the bolt, lol.
Pff. That DBZ head on charge.
Yep, better execution than the last version. It's not perfect, but it passes as a battle.
Hm. That Harumi was a curious touch.

Hm. A great improvement over the last version. It looks more like a battle. The first general doesn't sound too impressive, tho.
A bracelet is kinda very small to work as a constant shield, lol. Dat Fu Mah pulling a Za Warudo lol. X3
Satomu's battle is not bad, I guess. X3
I like the exploding knives effect, but I think the joints being the weak points of an armor is actually common knowledge.
Slash enter portal to avoid a lightning bolt. So animu.x3 How is someone even that fast? If it's me, I'll just have the void swallow the bolt, lol.
Pff. That DBZ head on charge.
Yep, better execution than the last version. It's not perfect, but it passes as a battle.
Hm. That Harumi was a curious touch.
2/20/2016 c13 Daniel Kozaki
Nice cage mechanism.
That murdered eldest daughter.. wasn't that still a recent event? How come there's no mention until now? No build up at all?
One hit kill. Lol.
So.. no training, just a one man charge?
Mixed epicness and cheesiness imo. X3
Nice cage mechanism.
That murdered eldest daughter.. wasn't that still a recent event? How come there's no mention until now? No build up at all?
One hit kill. Lol.
So.. no training, just a one man charge?
Mixed epicness and cheesiness imo. X3
2/20/2016 c12 Daniel Kozaki
Lol Jenga? Jk.
I wonder.. if Kensui is part elf, would that dilute the impact of the human elf fusion at the end? Although you might have made another ending (which I hope you did, actually xp )
The parents sound a bit thick imo. I mean it's obvious how Mela and Kensui had accepted each other, yet they yanked her away just like that. Or maybe it's just that stupid rule that doesn't really make sense. It's almost as if Astald had bribed them, and the niceties were just facades.
Yep. I find the angry broken Sakura a nice addition to the feels dimension.
Mela going YEAAAAAH for real would be so fun to see.
Again, the loopholes don't really sound like loopholes. Ask a lawyer if you want to know what I mean. And Astald at least noticed, lol. At least you tried to back it up with the human x elf issue, but... shouldn't that be mentioned way earlier if that's the case? Or was that just one interpretation? It feels tacky.
Edge-y rage yells. Cute! X3
Lol Jenga? Jk.
I wonder.. if Kensui is part elf, would that dilute the impact of the human elf fusion at the end? Although you might have made another ending (which I hope you did, actually xp )
The parents sound a bit thick imo. I mean it's obvious how Mela and Kensui had accepted each other, yet they yanked her away just like that. Or maybe it's just that stupid rule that doesn't really make sense. It's almost as if Astald had bribed them, and the niceties were just facades.
Yep. I find the angry broken Sakura a nice addition to the feels dimension.
Mela going YEAAAAAH for real would be so fun to see.
Again, the loopholes don't really sound like loopholes. Ask a lawyer if you want to know what I mean. And Astald at least noticed, lol. At least you tried to back it up with the human x elf issue, but... shouldn't that be mentioned way earlier if that's the case? Or was that just one interpretation? It feels tacky.
Edge-y rage yells. Cute! X3
2/20/2016 c11 Daniel Kozaki
It's not perfect, but the feels aspect of the story is at least better than the last version. So far.
Is a fujoshi and a BL char shippable? Jk. :p
Poor landlord-san.
That one year courting doesn't even sound anything like a loophole imo. People would've discovered that ages ago if it's that blatant.
And the parents, to simply take Mela away after what they did with the elevator and all that peeking over the couple.. just doesn't make sense unless it's an obvious ruse.. again.
Astald breaking the fourth wall?
It's not perfect, but the feels aspect of the story is at least better than the last version. So far.
Is a fujoshi and a BL char shippable? Jk. :p
Poor landlord-san.
That one year courting doesn't even sound anything like a loophole imo. People would've discovered that ages ago if it's that blatant.
And the parents, to simply take Mela away after what they did with the elevator and all that peeking over the couple.. just doesn't make sense unless it's an obvious ruse.. again.
Astald breaking the fourth wall?
2/20/2016 c10 Daniel Kozaki
Back.
Hmm. Wonder why she didn't recognize Mela just because she didn't have pointed ears?
Harumi seems to be taking in all this better than the average girl imo.
I don't like settling love triangles through killing one of the girls, lol, just my opinion.
Not a really intense battle, but at least a bit better than what I recalled of the old Melamin. At least things seem to make some sense, so far.
And the heroic collapse puts a close on things.
Back.
Hmm. Wonder why she didn't recognize Mela just because she didn't have pointed ears?
Harumi seems to be taking in all this better than the average girl imo.
I don't like settling love triangles through killing one of the girls, lol, just my opinion.
Not a really intense battle, but at least a bit better than what I recalled of the old Melamin. At least things seem to make some sense, so far.
And the heroic collapse puts a close on things.
2/19/2016 c9 Daniel Kozaki
Ugh took me a while, sorry, been busy. I think I'll pass looking for typos and the kind, seeing how you are trying to find an editor, and your writing is passably clean enough by now.
I'll focus more on the elements itself.
Hmm. One whole month with her? That's a new level of douchebaggery. He sure took his time, it's silly. The hint about Kensui being from an elven line feels kinda too obvious? Iono.
Insta bridge spell sounds kinda op, lol.
Cloth ripping battle challenges suspension of disbelief imo, lol.
I do remember how Mela sliced off an ogre arm with that staff.
' "But he'll die before you truly understand the workings of humans." ' - eh, come on, nobody's that hopeless.
Duel of Matrimony sounds like a setup for a harem game, lmao.
Funny how Kalina looks up to Kensui and not her sister for saving her. Oh. A setup. Forgot about that one, or maybe just a half-hearted excuse on Kalina's side.
And the moment that's bound to come sooner or later arrives.
Ugh took me a while, sorry, been busy. I think I'll pass looking for typos and the kind, seeing how you are trying to find an editor, and your writing is passably clean enough by now.
I'll focus more on the elements itself.
Hmm. One whole month with her? That's a new level of douchebaggery. He sure took his time, it's silly. The hint about Kensui being from an elven line feels kinda too obvious? Iono.
Insta bridge spell sounds kinda op, lol.
Cloth ripping battle challenges suspension of disbelief imo, lol.
I do remember how Mela sliced off an ogre arm with that staff.
' "But he'll die before you truly understand the workings of humans." ' - eh, come on, nobody's that hopeless.
Duel of Matrimony sounds like a setup for a harem game, lmao.
Funny how Kalina looks up to Kensui and not her sister for saving her. Oh. A setup. Forgot about that one, or maybe just a half-hearted excuse on Kalina's side.
And the moment that's bound to come sooner or later arrives.
4/24/2015 c17
13360pages
Well, this is not what I expected, actually expected something a bit darker. It's actually fine. Though this felt weirdly placed at the end. Not that, that is a bad thing.

Well, this is not what I expected, actually expected something a bit darker. It's actually fine. Though this felt weirdly placed at the end. Not that, that is a bad thing.
4/17/2015 c16 360pages
The Cheese is so cheesy in this chapter. But no, really, despite it being somewhat predictable and once again super cheesy it was a nice conclusion., I guess I'll wrap up my thoughts of this entire story as a whole since the next chapter is probably more of a prologue. The Dark God himself might have felt like a Giant-Space Flea from Nowhere. He might seem completely out of left field to pretty much be the last thing the heroes fight.
Now on to the Romance, I can easily see it being a rather prominent feature in the story. I honestly would have rather seen less of it, or rather... it fitting more naturally into every day activities. Have the leads do more mundane stuff together with each other and friends. A lot of it was the two screaming each others names. Especially near the middle and en dish sections of the story.
I wouldn't minded more time be given to the other parts of the world/ world building slightly. Though that is someone who is speaking from someone who doesn't like a lot of romance. So you should probably ignore a lot of what I'm saying since if someone really does like/care for romance they would enjoy it far more.
Overall, I enjoyed it, there wasn't a lot of agency in the story. Which might lead to readers taking breaks from it here or there, but nothing really too bad about it. Nothing that probably wouldn't require an entire rewrite unless to tighten or focus on other aspects. Mostly things you could add in between chapters.
The Cheese is so cheesy in this chapter. But no, really, despite it being somewhat predictable and once again super cheesy it was a nice conclusion., I guess I'll wrap up my thoughts of this entire story as a whole since the next chapter is probably more of a prologue. The Dark God himself might have felt like a Giant-Space Flea from Nowhere. He might seem completely out of left field to pretty much be the last thing the heroes fight.
Now on to the Romance, I can easily see it being a rather prominent feature in the story. I honestly would have rather seen less of it, or rather... it fitting more naturally into every day activities. Have the leads do more mundane stuff together with each other and friends. A lot of it was the two screaming each others names. Especially near the middle and en dish sections of the story.
I wouldn't minded more time be given to the other parts of the world/ world building slightly. Though that is someone who is speaking from someone who doesn't like a lot of romance. So you should probably ignore a lot of what I'm saying since if someone really does like/care for romance they would enjoy it far more.
Overall, I enjoyed it, there wasn't a lot of agency in the story. Which might lead to readers taking breaks from it here or there, but nothing really too bad about it. Nothing that probably wouldn't require an entire rewrite unless to tighten or focus on other aspects. Mostly things you could add in between chapters.
4/15/2015 c15 360pages
The battle is short and to the point at points. Outside the moments where characters speak to one another during combat. And war, it's not a bad Cliche and despite how it might be unrealistic it's not a bad thing. After all, a lot of people use this medium to escape reality. Though I will say that the twist was pretty unexpected with the Dark God and all.
Though I do not know how you will turn this around. Though I have a feeling it will be with love, once again nothing bad about that.
The battle is short and to the point at points. Outside the moments where characters speak to one another during combat. And war, it's not a bad Cliche and despite how it might be unrealistic it's not a bad thing. After all, a lot of people use this medium to escape reality. Though I will say that the twist was pretty unexpected with the Dark God and all.
Though I do not know how you will turn this around. Though I have a feeling it will be with love, once again nothing bad about that.
4/11/2015 c14 360pages
Well, this is certainly more action oriented. That's a good thing, and it seems the plot is somewhat moving in a forward motion. Though the sudden switch to full out action was odd, but not that I'm complaining. An important part of keeping a story interesting is sometimes throwing the reader though a loop or doing something different.
Well, this is certainly more action oriented. That's a good thing, and it seems the plot is somewhat moving in a forward motion. Though the sudden switch to full out action was odd, but not that I'm complaining. An important part of keeping a story interesting is sometimes throwing the reader though a loop or doing something different.
3/9/2015 c8
7Daniel Kozaki
Dat kiss.
Oh hai Obama.
Anniversary? o_o
'Kensui walked forward and almost fell off a cliff.' - wpuld be real funny if he did. XD Or not.
Better description than what I remembered of the last Melamin. -u-b
Hm, that last scene, are Astald and Mela in the same scene? It's separate, right, then separate them, either with a line or with something like 'Meanwhile' or something like that.
Beta-ing nitpicks:
1. 'Kensui woke up in a weird place. Kensui sat up and tried to clear his aching head.' - how about using [He] for the second sentence?
2. '...she exclaimed , raising her hands into the air.' - [exclaimed, raising]
3. 'The walls of every building was made from bright white marble...' - [building were made]
4. '''The former royal family stay behind during the Separation..."' - [stays]

Dat kiss.
Oh hai Obama.
Anniversary? o_o
'Kensui walked forward and almost fell off a cliff.' - wpuld be real funny if he did. XD Or not.
Better description than what I remembered of the last Melamin. -u-b
Hm, that last scene, are Astald and Mela in the same scene? It's separate, right, then separate them, either with a line or with something like 'Meanwhile' or something like that.
Beta-ing nitpicks:
1. 'Kensui woke up in a weird place. Kensui sat up and tried to clear his aching head.' - how about using [He] for the second sentence?
2. '...she exclaimed , raising her hands into the air.' - [exclaimed, raising]
3. 'The walls of every building was made from bright white marble...' - [building were made]
4. '''The former royal family stay behind during the Separation..."' - [stays]
3/3/2015 c7 Daniel Kozaki
Dat chapter title.
Classic flashback. (Be careful of spaces when using italics.)
Ah, the good ol' goblin duo.
Lol Sakura... -w-"
'"I think I love you."' - bet those yaoi fangirls are already screaming. '"I'd do anything for you, bud. But that..."' - wrong answer, Ken-kun. Doesn't matter, kiss anyway. -u-"
Ah, notice the plot change about the Elven Star... :3
'"He is cute."' - moral of the story, guys and girls, never trust your eyes when you're drunk. You'll get Astald.
Arthur... dat conceited guy thinks he's going to be King, huh. Good name choice.
Yes, this version of the chapter is much better than what I remembered, plotwise. Good job with this one, Miles.
Beta matters:
1. '"I don't get my allowance til tomorrow."' - [till]
2. 'He closed his eyes and braced wasa smacking sound and something hit the ground hard. WhenSatomurealized it wasn't him that hit the ground, he slowly opened his eyes.' - [himself. There was a], [When Satomu realized]
3. 'The bully lay on the ground, rubbing hisreddening cheekwith tears in his eyes.' - [his reddening cheek with]
4. 'Theother kid turned around and reached his hand out to Satomu.' - [The other]
5. '"Huh?" Kensui asked surprised.' - [asked, surprised]
6. '"So..is it love?"' [So... is]
7. 'Everytime I follow the signal...' - [Every time]
8. '"Uh..Hello, good sirs.' - [Uh... Hello]
Dat chapter title.
Classic flashback. (Be careful of spaces when using italics.)
Ah, the good ol' goblin duo.
Lol Sakura... -w-"
'"I think I love you."' - bet those yaoi fangirls are already screaming. '"I'd do anything for you, bud. But that..."' - wrong answer, Ken-kun. Doesn't matter, kiss anyway. -u-"
Ah, notice the plot change about the Elven Star... :3
'"He is cute."' - moral of the story, guys and girls, never trust your eyes when you're drunk. You'll get Astald.
Arthur... dat conceited guy thinks he's going to be King, huh. Good name choice.
Yes, this version of the chapter is much better than what I remembered, plotwise. Good job with this one, Miles.
Beta matters:
1. '"I don't get my allowance til tomorrow."' - [till]
2. 'He closed his eyes and braced wasa smacking sound and something hit the ground hard. WhenSatomurealized it wasn't him that hit the ground, he slowly opened his eyes.' - [himself. There was a], [When Satomu realized]
3. 'The bully lay on the ground, rubbing hisreddening cheekwith tears in his eyes.' - [his reddening cheek with]
4. 'Theother kid turned around and reached his hand out to Satomu.' - [The other]
5. '"Huh?" Kensui asked surprised.' - [asked, surprised]
6. '"So..is it love?"' [So... is]
7. 'Everytime I follow the signal...' - [Every time]
8. '"Uh..Hello, good sirs.' - [Uh... Hello]
2/2/2015 c13
13360pages
Hmm, outside the final section, I feel like this chapter actually didn't do too much. Not even in terms of character advancement. Usually I enjoy filler chapters if they give more insight on the character. But this one felt kind of...eh. We know that Mela loves Kensui and vise versa. In fact it almost felt like the entire middle section of this chapter might be able to be removed without actually losing any character insight/development.
At the same time it did have build up to the upcoming chapters. I wouldn't mind some more individualized character development

Hmm, outside the final section, I feel like this chapter actually didn't do too much. Not even in terms of character advancement. Usually I enjoy filler chapters if they give more insight on the character. But this one felt kind of...eh. We know that Mela loves Kensui and vise versa. In fact it almost felt like the entire middle section of this chapter might be able to be removed without actually losing any character insight/development.
At the same time it did have build up to the upcoming chapters. I wouldn't mind some more individualized character development
1/10/2015 c6
7Daniel Kozaki
'Kensui had to show her the dressing room because the first time she started stripping in the middle of the store.' - wat.
Ah, Harumi playing detective. Interesting.
'"So now they'll make Kalina the Crown Princess."' - I almost expected Lord Astald to woo her instead, hearing this line.
'"I must've broken my leg and my foot on about six different occasions before I learned how to land properly."' - without safeties down a 400m cliff, that's still a lucky streak of sorts. :p
And... it's a love quadrilateral. At least Kensui is not a harem protag /shot
But still, Satomu's reveal could have been done at a more surprising time for more impact, imo.
Editorial Note:
1. 'Kensui and Mela went to one of the stores on the first floorand looked around.' - [floor and]
2. '"Atruck driver had been drinking heavily that night and plowed right into my parents' car."' - [A truck]
3. 'Mela tookKensui up in her arms.' - [took Kensui]
4. '...tears beganto run down her face as well.' - [tears began]

'Kensui had to show her the dressing room because the first time she started stripping in the middle of the store.' - wat.
Ah, Harumi playing detective. Interesting.
'"So now they'll make Kalina the Crown Princess."' - I almost expected Lord Astald to woo her instead, hearing this line.
'"I must've broken my leg and my foot on about six different occasions before I learned how to land properly."' - without safeties down a 400m cliff, that's still a lucky streak of sorts. :p
And... it's a love quadrilateral. At least Kensui is not a harem protag /shot
But still, Satomu's reveal could have been done at a more surprising time for more impact, imo.
Editorial Note:
1. 'Kensui and Mela went to one of the stores on the first floorand looked around.' - [floor and]
2. '"Atruck driver had been drinking heavily that night and plowed right into my parents' car."' - [A truck]
3. 'Mela tookKensui up in her arms.' - [took Kensui]
4. '...tears beganto run down her face as well.' - [tears began]
1/9/2015 c9
39Starart152
This is a good chapter and it's good to see Kensui and Mela finally loving each other's.
About Sakura and Astald dating during the month. I feel like it happened a little too fast for me.
You only describe the beginning of their relationship, false by Astald and the end. The middle part is absent.
Except that, I don't see any problem.

This is a good chapter and it's good to see Kensui and Mela finally loving each other's.
About Sakura and Astald dating during the month. I feel like it happened a little too fast for me.
You only describe the beginning of their relationship, false by Astald and the end. The middle part is absent.
Except that, I don't see any problem.