for The Golden Sari7/26/2015 c2 
13360pages
I want to say that this is moving too fast, and I usually like fast stories. I wouldn't mind more set up to the action scenes and some more set up to the situation. We don't need to know much about Sarah's life, just some stuff that we can grasp towards her character.
13360pagesI want to say that this is moving too fast, and I usually like fast stories. I wouldn't mind more set up to the action scenes and some more set up to the situation. We don't need to know much about Sarah's life, just some stuff that we can grasp towards her character.
2/9/2014 c1 Tspeech
Enjoyed your story...
Waiting for the real ending...
I need closure:)
Enjoyed your story...
Waiting for the real ending...
I need closure:)
1/22/2014 c12 Mrs. Bronson
Not just for this chapter...
1. Check your capitol letters at the beginning of sentences. Simple mistake you probably over looked.
2. I got confused with the flashbacks. Maybe the flashback of her mothers grave needs to be in the beginning of the story, when she is lying in bed. It would be a flashback and foreshadowing all in one.
Not just for this chapter...
1. Check your capitol letters at the beginning of sentences. Simple mistake you probably over looked.
2. I got confused with the flashbacks. Maybe the flashback of her mothers grave needs to be in the beginning of the story, when she is lying in bed. It would be a flashback and foreshadowing all in one.
12/17/2013 c1 b.r.14
I love the story so far!
You've got a good sense of the character, Sarah, and writing that flows together, smoothly!
My only suggestion would be to add more detail, and excitement! Other wise it is a great story! Keep up the good work
-b.r.14
I love the story so far!
You've got a good sense of the character, Sarah, and writing that flows together, smoothly!
My only suggestion would be to add more detail, and excitement! Other wise it is a great story! Keep up the good work
-b.r.14
12/13/2013 c1 3Command and Capture
Hi, it's a nice start for a story, the troubles of being a public superhero, fame is double-edged sword and you put that into good use there :D
The story I would say, has an amount of emotion in it, like your language is mixed with thoughts, emotions, and a suspenseful plot line. Nice move not telling us what the power is :)
For any advice, I'll give you this; Show not Tell. In the story, Sari had an antique necklace thing that gave her powers, but this is telling. An example of Show is;
"Sarah wore the necklace around her neck at all times, as if it were some magic charm that ensures her survival. It didn't spark until one day, when a man in a hoodie approached her in a dark alley, baseball bat in hand. That was the time she discovered her power."
Anyways, can you go check out my story, Deuce Danger? It's a SubmitYourOwnCharacter, if you don't want to it's alright. :)
Hope this helps :D
3Command and CaptureHi, it's a nice start for a story, the troubles of being a public superhero, fame is double-edged sword and you put that into good use there :D
The story I would say, has an amount of emotion in it, like your language is mixed with thoughts, emotions, and a suspenseful plot line. Nice move not telling us what the power is :)
For any advice, I'll give you this; Show not Tell. In the story, Sari had an antique necklace thing that gave her powers, but this is telling. An example of Show is;
"Sarah wore the necklace around her neck at all times, as if it were some magic charm that ensures her survival. It didn't spark until one day, when a man in a hoodie approached her in a dark alley, baseball bat in hand. That was the time she discovered her power."
Anyways, can you go check out my story, Deuce Danger? It's a SubmitYourOwnCharacter, if you don't want to it's alright. :)
Hope this helps :D