for I Am Not A Rich Boy1/19/2014 c3 
4Veronica Fay
Hi! This a great, easy read! I liked your description throughout, and how mature sounding the story is so far! I think that we got to see further character development here! Great job!
-Veronica
4Veronica FayHi! This a great, easy read! I liked your description throughout, and how mature sounding the story is so far! I think that we got to see further character development here! Great job!
-Veronica
1/7/2014 c1 carlalegre
I like the way this is written. You stick well to the personality of your character and I know how hard that can be sometimes. I like the relationship between the brother and the sister. Yes, it does seem a little too close, but difference cultures have different mannerisms. It's just a matter of getting used to something new :)
My only advice would be to watch your grammar. There were a couple of instances where there was either a word missing, misspelled, or repeated. Otherwise, everything else looks good. Your sentence/paragraph structures are done well and the dialogue-their way of talking-is unique, interesting, and refreshing. Good job :)
- From RH, please return review to my story, After Life.
I like the way this is written. You stick well to the personality of your character and I know how hard that can be sometimes. I like the relationship between the brother and the sister. Yes, it does seem a little too close, but difference cultures have different mannerisms. It's just a matter of getting used to something new :)
My only advice would be to watch your grammar. There were a couple of instances where there was either a word missing, misspelled, or repeated. Otherwise, everything else looks good. Your sentence/paragraph structures are done well and the dialogue-their way of talking-is unique, interesting, and refreshing. Good job :)
- From RH, please return review to my story, After Life.
1/5/2014 c3 1k+Faithless Juliet
I liked all of the attention that you paid to characterization this chapter. I'd say the other two were more focused on plot, but this was it was nice to step back and get to know Derrick and Annebelle and how Alexei interacts with them. I found the interactions interesting as well, you've mentioned sexual innuendo before in the first and second chapters so its interesting to see how the people in this alt. world react and engage in that topic.
Critique wise the only thing that I noticed was that there were large chunks were there was only dialogue and very little discriptive breaking. I think it would heighten the conversation if you broke it up a bit. Also I noticed that it was "Alexei" throughout :) keep up the good work.
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietI liked all of the attention that you paid to characterization this chapter. I'd say the other two were more focused on plot, but this was it was nice to step back and get to know Derrick and Annebelle and how Alexei interacts with them. I found the interactions interesting as well, you've mentioned sexual innuendo before in the first and second chapters so its interesting to see how the people in this alt. world react and engage in that topic.
Critique wise the only thing that I noticed was that there were large chunks were there was only dialogue and very little discriptive breaking. I think it would heighten the conversation if you broke it up a bit. Also I noticed that it was "Alexei" throughout :) keep up the good work.
Juliet.
1/4/2014 c1 3cybersheep
your title 'i am not a rich boy' reminded me of the 'i am not a smart man' meme and i was intrigued, thus i cantered over to read the rest of your prose :). grammatical things appear to have been covered by most (this is why i love reviewing late) so i get to tackle all the fun stuff .
i think my favorite part in all of this was Sonya. Your description of her in the paragraph following his exit from the house was truly inspired. We were allowed to interpret her dilligence and her care for her brother through the medium of her house's upkeep and i couldn't get enough of it. She wasn't my sister and /i/ felt like i loved her! in addition to that, i liked your minimalist take to describing the town just by what they had or hadn't done with their paint. for example this line: "the other houses stood speckled and spotted and announced their insecurities", just...bellisimo. this is a small town with so much character - i am actually highly sad that we're going to say goodbye to it so soon.
also, i am very intrigued by this line (i appologise in advance, i can't c/p so i might misphrase) that goes like this: "she never gave the neighbors a reason to give out, and if she did, she gave them reasons to maintain their civility". See? badass? a woman truly after my own heart. i do hope that she makes further appearence in the story so that we can truly explore this problem ficing ability of hers.
though, i am curious. if he is her brother, why does she refer to him as her son? sorry if i am understanding this incorrectly or something?
in terms of the rest of the story, your premise is very interesting, particularly with that bit in the beginning when he's dismissing electricity as a "theory" and then stops a crystal powered alarm clock. and they use carriages to get around, but these carriages apparently car-pool? and then there is all this hatred of the so-called rich boys. it is understandable that there would be tension between the classes but i feel as if alexei's hatred is almost personal. i cannot wait to unconver it.
in terms of cc that hasn't been already done - actually it isn't exactly cc, but more like clarification. first, alexei is rather old so i am assuming he has been to school before, so i didn't understand the separation anxiety he and his sister were undergoing. then i assumed it was because he was probably going to boarding school or something he can't retunr from immediately, but then she references family coming back so...he will be coming back soon? this isn't a problem i'm pointing out, just clarification a bit!
anyway, nice start and sonya's awesome
cybersheep
3cybersheepyour title 'i am not a rich boy' reminded me of the 'i am not a smart man' meme and i was intrigued, thus i cantered over to read the rest of your prose :). grammatical things appear to have been covered by most (this is why i love reviewing late) so i get to tackle all the fun stuff .
i think my favorite part in all of this was Sonya. Your description of her in the paragraph following his exit from the house was truly inspired. We were allowed to interpret her dilligence and her care for her brother through the medium of her house's upkeep and i couldn't get enough of it. She wasn't my sister and /i/ felt like i loved her! in addition to that, i liked your minimalist take to describing the town just by what they had or hadn't done with their paint. for example this line: "the other houses stood speckled and spotted and announced their insecurities", just...bellisimo. this is a small town with so much character - i am actually highly sad that we're going to say goodbye to it so soon.
also, i am very intrigued by this line (i appologise in advance, i can't c/p so i might misphrase) that goes like this: "she never gave the neighbors a reason to give out, and if she did, she gave them reasons to maintain their civility". See? badass? a woman truly after my own heart. i do hope that she makes further appearence in the story so that we can truly explore this problem ficing ability of hers.
though, i am curious. if he is her brother, why does she refer to him as her son? sorry if i am understanding this incorrectly or something?
in terms of the rest of the story, your premise is very interesting, particularly with that bit in the beginning when he's dismissing electricity as a "theory" and then stops a crystal powered alarm clock. and they use carriages to get around, but these carriages apparently car-pool? and then there is all this hatred of the so-called rich boys. it is understandable that there would be tension between the classes but i feel as if alexei's hatred is almost personal. i cannot wait to unconver it.
in terms of cc that hasn't been already done - actually it isn't exactly cc, but more like clarification. first, alexei is rather old so i am assuming he has been to school before, so i didn't understand the separation anxiety he and his sister were undergoing. then i assumed it was because he was probably going to boarding school or something he can't retunr from immediately, but then she references family coming back so...he will be coming back soon? this isn't a problem i'm pointing out, just clarification a bit!
anyway, nice start and sonya's awesome
cybersheep
1/4/2014 c1 20Ventracere
You have an interesting style going on here. The interjections where you have "you know... you know..." break up the flow of the story in places. Your descriptions though, flush out the story to give us a clear view of his attitude toward the things going around him. Good job!
Watch out for the little mistakes in the beginning of your chapter (omitted letters, joined words, little things like that)
"Her voice had a soft emphasis...slight more of an emphasis.." instead of using emphasis twice, maybe switch up the words a little bit with accent, prominence, stressed, etc.
20VentracereYou have an interesting style going on here. The interjections where you have "you know... you know..." break up the flow of the story in places. Your descriptions though, flush out the story to give us a clear view of his attitude toward the things going around him. Good job!
Watch out for the little mistakes in the beginning of your chapter (omitted letters, joined words, little things like that)
"Her voice had a soft emphasis...slight more of an emphasis.." instead of using emphasis twice, maybe switch up the words a little bit with accent, prominence, stressed, etc.
1/3/2014 c2 2Jalux
Grammar - Shouldn't it be threw his arms around "her" shoulders?
But yeah what I found interesting is Alexei became Alexia? I really think that is a nice element you rarely see in other stories and adds a really interesting twist to their characterization. But yeah I'm a little confused by how the transformation occurs, is it some form of magical power? The interaction with Derrick and Annabelle was interesting but almost out of the blue, perhaps expand on their relationship in latter chapters? Dialogue was generally good, it fits the characters really well. I feel their voices generally fit in line with their characterization.
2JaluxGrammar - Shouldn't it be threw his arms around "her" shoulders?
But yeah what I found interesting is Alexei became Alexia? I really think that is a nice element you rarely see in other stories and adds a really interesting twist to their characterization. But yeah I'm a little confused by how the transformation occurs, is it some form of magical power? The interaction with Derrick and Annabelle was interesting but almost out of the blue, perhaps expand on their relationship in latter chapters? Dialogue was generally good, it fits the characters really well. I feel their voices generally fit in line with their characterization.
1/3/2014 c3 deadaccount2019
One thing I've noticed with the writing is that there is a tendency to let sentences run on in the dialogue. First example, which was very jarring to read, was the line 'Are you sure you're okay, Alexei dear, you're looking a little pale?' This like is actually two sentences: a question, followed by a statement, so it should read like this: "Are you sure you're okay, Alexei dear? You're looking a little pale." I've noticed it in the previous chapters as well. Run-on sentences can be useful for establishing certain effects, but combining questions and statements should be avoided. Last note on dialogue, when characters are speaking it should be identified with a quotation (") instead of an apostrophe (').
Imagery is nice, but I do wish the setting description was sprinkled more throughout the chapter, instead of kept in blocks. It would help establish an ongoing picture of their surroundings, as well as balance out the amount of dialogue going on.
The pacing in the second half of the chapter was pretty good. I think the only thing that really slowed it down was that some of the dialogue seemed a bit too cheesy and forced, given the situation, however when it came to the very last part I thought you did a great job with Alexei's senses.
One thing I've noticed with the writing is that there is a tendency to let sentences run on in the dialogue. First example, which was very jarring to read, was the line 'Are you sure you're okay, Alexei dear, you're looking a little pale?' This like is actually two sentences: a question, followed by a statement, so it should read like this: "Are you sure you're okay, Alexei dear? You're looking a little pale." I've noticed it in the previous chapters as well. Run-on sentences can be useful for establishing certain effects, but combining questions and statements should be avoided. Last note on dialogue, when characters are speaking it should be identified with a quotation (") instead of an apostrophe (').
Imagery is nice, but I do wish the setting description was sprinkled more throughout the chapter, instead of kept in blocks. It would help establish an ongoing picture of their surroundings, as well as balance out the amount of dialogue going on.
The pacing in the second half of the chapter was pretty good. I think the only thing that really slowed it down was that some of the dialogue seemed a bit too cheesy and forced, given the situation, however when it came to the very last part I thought you did a great job with Alexei's senses.
12/31/2013 c3 13alltheeagles
For the Review Game, Easy Fix
I like your description in the beginning of the rain and the buildings. It sets up a really dismal mood that suits the rest of the story.
I'm not sure how keeping your words to yourself is different from keeping silent, although I do like the honey/nettles imagery.
Should that be 'no more use than yours or mine'?
The content of your story is VERY grown-up, which I wasn't expecting from the rating and the summary. Oh well, to each his (or her) own...
13alltheeaglesFor the Review Game, Easy Fix
I like your description in the beginning of the rain and the buildings. It sets up a really dismal mood that suits the rest of the story.
I'm not sure how keeping your words to yourself is different from keeping silent, although I do like the honey/nettles imagery.
Should that be 'no more use than yours or mine'?
The content of your story is VERY grown-up, which I wasn't expecting from the rating and the summary. Oh well, to each his (or her) own...
12/31/2013 c1 5Persevera
The first line of this made me laugh- [the sweet soundof a hammer to his head.]- I love sneaky irony.
The last section made me laugh, with the old, distinguished wizard unexpectedly talking so 'street'.
The middle was morose but so is the character so you did a great job of creating the mood.
I didn't think brother and sister were too close, but did wonder why she called him son.
This seems to be a very cynical magical world. I'm curious to read more.
5PerseveraThe first line of this made me laugh- [the sweet soundof a hammer to his head.]- I love sneaky irony.
The last section made me laugh, with the old, distinguished wizard unexpectedly talking so 'street'.
The middle was morose but so is the character so you did a great job of creating the mood.
I didn't think brother and sister were too close, but did wonder why she called him son.
This seems to be a very cynical magical world. I'm curious to read more.
12/31/2013 c3 4Jitterbug Blues
I'll admit I'm not sure about the tone of this story - is this a parody? Crack? I don't hate it or anything like that, I'm just not sure about the tone. You seem to flip back and forth between dark comedy, a crime story with a Mafia element and then move to crack. But eh, maybe it's only me - I've had this problem with several stories on this site, so I guess I'm the only one who prefers a more defined tone in a story, with occasional elements of subtle humor tossed in. It's just that I really couldn't decide what mood this chapter was aiming for XD. So I'm undecided on what I think of the story for now because I need to read more plotty things and more character development.
I liked your descriptions for the most part. You get very creative and visual at times, and I think you're really good at describing scenery. The only thing I'd omit is the 'you know' in one part of the story; it's just rather jarring since it seems to address the reader directly. Otherwise, I really liked your details at the beginning for example.
I admit I liked the funny parts of this chapter - if it was meant to be cracky. Alexie's inability to realise that Derrick is gay was just amusing. And I didn't even mind his views because it's clear he has no idea what is going on/was drunk (but yeah it made me unclear about the tone XD).
It's a weird story, if I may say that. The characters are odd, the plot is very erratic and odd, but there's a ...sort of charm to this, I guess? I think you could flesh out the characters a bit more, but I'm hoping to see this happen in the next few chapters (Alexie - I'm still not sure about him; I did read the previous chapter, but I'm still not sure. He seems to have some guilt complex in regards to his family?)
Not sure how helpful this review is - I'm just trying to be honest XD.
4Jitterbug BluesI'll admit I'm not sure about the tone of this story - is this a parody? Crack? I don't hate it or anything like that, I'm just not sure about the tone. You seem to flip back and forth between dark comedy, a crime story with a Mafia element and then move to crack. But eh, maybe it's only me - I've had this problem with several stories on this site, so I guess I'm the only one who prefers a more defined tone in a story, with occasional elements of subtle humor tossed in. It's just that I really couldn't decide what mood this chapter was aiming for XD. So I'm undecided on what I think of the story for now because I need to read more plotty things and more character development.
I liked your descriptions for the most part. You get very creative and visual at times, and I think you're really good at describing scenery. The only thing I'd omit is the 'you know' in one part of the story; it's just rather jarring since it seems to address the reader directly. Otherwise, I really liked your details at the beginning for example.
I admit I liked the funny parts of this chapter - if it was meant to be cracky. Alexie's inability to realise that Derrick is gay was just amusing. And I didn't even mind his views because it's clear he has no idea what is going on/was drunk (but yeah it made me unclear about the tone XD).
It's a weird story, if I may say that. The characters are odd, the plot is very erratic and odd, but there's a ...sort of charm to this, I guess? I think you could flesh out the characters a bit more, but I'm hoping to see this happen in the next few chapters (Alexie - I'm still not sure about him; I did read the previous chapter, but I'm still not sure. He seems to have some guilt complex in regards to his family?)
Not sure how helpful this review is - I'm just trying to be honest XD.
12/30/2013 c3 2Jalux
The ending confused me somewhat, Alexei seems to be suffocating and dies right? I think what you did here was clever but could use just a tiny bit more clearing up. Well, I really liked the dialogue in this chapter, especially the banter at the start with Alexei and Derrick and towards the end when they panic, really gets the emotion across and doesn't feel cheap and contrived. I also like how you kinda show the difference between someone who came from money and those who didn't through their personalities and whatnot (unladylike to lose her temper while attacking someone?). The descriptive writing when Alexei gets attacked is brutal but very suitable as well I feel, simple things like the bile really give the reader a vivid image of what's being done to him.
2JaluxThe ending confused me somewhat, Alexei seems to be suffocating and dies right? I think what you did here was clever but could use just a tiny bit more clearing up. Well, I really liked the dialogue in this chapter, especially the banter at the start with Alexei and Derrick and towards the end when they panic, really gets the emotion across and doesn't feel cheap and contrived. I also like how you kinda show the difference between someone who came from money and those who didn't through their personalities and whatnot (unladylike to lose her temper while attacking someone?). The descriptive writing when Alexei gets attacked is brutal but very suitable as well I feel, simple things like the bile really give the reader a vivid image of what's being done to him.
12/27/2013 c2 1k+Faithless Juliet
I really liked how your continuing on with Alexei/Alexia's story. You started out by writing Alexei but then towards the middle it morphed into Alexia. In you PM you said it just happened but I wasn't sure what you meant by that - if its supposed to be in the story then I would recommend going into more detail - its a magical world, maybe he turns into a girl when he gets nervous?
I also liked the continuing back story with Sonya and how the family ended up the way that it did. I also liked your characterization of Annabelle; in particular I liked your line about how her look was as feminine as a knife to the gut. Nice job so far, I'm excited to see where you go next with this.
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietI really liked how your continuing on with Alexei/Alexia's story. You started out by writing Alexei but then towards the middle it morphed into Alexia. In you PM you said it just happened but I wasn't sure what you meant by that - if its supposed to be in the story then I would recommend going into more detail - its a magical world, maybe he turns into a girl when he gets nervous?
I also liked the continuing back story with Sonya and how the family ended up the way that it did. I also liked your characterization of Annabelle; in particular I liked your line about how her look was as feminine as a knife to the gut. Nice job so far, I'm excited to see where you go next with this.
Juliet.
12/27/2013 c1 2Jalux
Really enjoyed the internal monologue here, really gave a good feel for the main character, I feel for the first chapter you've already built him up admirably. I don't think Sonya's relationship with her brother is too close, I think it's pretty accurate for most siblings and quite endearing to read their exchanges. I also like the balance of detail and pacing you have, you give the reader most of what they need to envision your world but keep the plot progressing. The old man was interesting, some of his exchanges with Alexi/Alex were amusing. Dialogue was natural and well written as well, perhaps some parts were a little iffy but nothing major.
2JaluxReally enjoyed the internal monologue here, really gave a good feel for the main character, I feel for the first chapter you've already built him up admirably. I don't think Sonya's relationship with her brother is too close, I think it's pretty accurate for most siblings and quite endearing to read their exchanges. I also like the balance of detail and pacing you have, you give the reader most of what they need to envision your world but keep the plot progressing. The old man was interesting, some of his exchanges with Alexi/Alex were amusing. Dialogue was natural and well written as well, perhaps some parts were a little iffy but nothing major.
12/26/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
First off I really enjoyed the chapter pacing. I think you did a great job showing beginning, middle, and end. The progression from one to the other was very strong as well, I didn't notice any lag. I also liked how you showcased a lot of characterization here as well. Overall really good setup.
I did notice that at the beginning Alexei turns into Alexia, and I wasn't sure if something happened once he got into the carriage or if that was just a typo, because up until that point I thought he was a boy. My only other source of confusion was that I thought the story got a bit jumbled once they got into the carriage. I didn't understand why the secondary characters were talking about fisting. I may have missed something, but I thought this section could be cleaned up a bit.
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietFirst off I really enjoyed the chapter pacing. I think you did a great job showing beginning, middle, and end. The progression from one to the other was very strong as well, I didn't notice any lag. I also liked how you showcased a lot of characterization here as well. Overall really good setup.
I did notice that at the beginning Alexei turns into Alexia, and I wasn't sure if something happened once he got into the carriage or if that was just a typo, because up until that point I thought he was a boy. My only other source of confusion was that I thought the story got a bit jumbled once they got into the carriage. I didn't understand why the secondary characters were talking about fisting. I may have missed something, but I thought this section could be cleaned up a bit.
Juliet.
12/24/2013 c1 13alltheeagles
‘Owed’ Review for the Review Game, Easy Fix
I like how your characters in general: the ‘every man’ protagonist who is a bit of a loser but nevertheless likeable, the earnest sister with her accent, and the old man with his colourful speech. They’re not very rounded characters at the moment, but you probably have plans to do so in later chapters.
I would suggest that you improve the story with some editing, some suggestions for which are:
-craWled out of bed
-until he glanced (joined up words)
-why does his sister refer to him as her ‘son’ in her dialogue?
-he had FORGOTTEN something
-into the horse’S flesh
13alltheeagles‘Owed’ Review for the Review Game, Easy Fix
I like how your characters in general: the ‘every man’ protagonist who is a bit of a loser but nevertheless likeable, the earnest sister with her accent, and the old man with his colourful speech. They’re not very rounded characters at the moment, but you probably have plans to do so in later chapters.
I would suggest that you improve the story with some editing, some suggestions for which are:
-craWled out of bed
-until he glanced (joined up words)
-why does his sister refer to him as her ‘son’ in her dialogue?
-he had FORGOTTEN something
-into the horse’S flesh